Your Weekly Horoscopes: 06-24-13

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, we present your horos in short poem form:

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You’re special. You’re different. When your mom said it, she meant it. When we say it, we mean that you’re a freak who’s gonna meet their match and the two of you will spend your days making tapioca and picking each other’s bacne. And we only say that to the ones we love.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Beware of avalanches of compliments, promises in the dark, sucker kisses, flowers, chocolates, offers you can’t refuse, indecent proposals and roofies in your G&Ts. Oh yeah, and beware of The Dwarf.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’re like the post-makeover slutty Sandy when all your Danny wants is for you to be yourself. Actually, he wants to get in your tight black sharkskin pants, too — that is why he donned the letterman jacket and went out for track, after all. But there are less showy ways to say you’re “interested” and “available.” Turn it down a notch.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If you are attending work-related events this week, then you will meet someone with whom you have instant chemistry. If you’re not doing this, well then, you’re shit out of luck. (For more detail, see Pisces — they have the same horoscope as you.)

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Confusion will probably lead you into the arms of the wrong person. You’re probably thinking, “Well, at least it’s a hug — I’ll take what I can get!” But not even you, Leo, should be so desperate. Instead, sit on your hand until it’s numb and then have your way with yourself — that’s the closest you’ll get to the “right” thing, at least this week.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
We have one word of relationship advice for you: Google. It’s not nosy — we all do it. And in your case, you might just be very glad you did. Just remember: don’t believe everything you read. . . unless it’s written by us.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Get involved in an organization you believe in and you might just meet someone who has the same moral values as you. Aw yeah, baby, show me your moral values.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Beauty’s only skin-deep, but there’s no law against primping and preening to give yourself an edge over your competitors in the hottie-hunting arena. First impressions and small talk are what get you to the more meaningful conversations and the wild animal sex. And if you want to give yourself a make-over that really works, then go heavy on the self-confident act, too. Remember, you’re only as confident as they think you are, and there’s nothing wrong with acting more confident than you feel. It’ll do wonders for your success rate. Note to overachievers: We said confident, not cocky. There’s an ocean of sleazy pick-up lines between the two.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Oh my, Sag. We’re practically blushing just looking at you. Thank goodness we’re still carrying our winter weight, otherwise we’d be irresistably pulled off our La-Z-Boys in your direction. Instead, expect other, featherweight hotties to be drawn to you. Choose wisely, our friend.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You’ll be like Gulliver this week: adventurous, alluring, tall. People will be drawn to you like Lilliputians. And like Lilliputians, they’ll want to tie you down, with a thousand little ropes of commitment, restrictions, limitations, and rules. But you’ve got to be free, travel the seas of the world, fall into the cleavage of lady giants. Run away, Gully, run away!

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Cut out the diva act. You’ve been demanding attention like Mariah Carey demands white kittens in her dressing room (seriously). Stamping your little feet may make a nice noise, but it’s not gonna get you laid.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You will meet someone who has the same interests as you either through a job placement facility, an interview or even at a weekend conference for enthusiasts like you (whether they’re enthused about Star Trek, crossword puzzles, underwater basketweaving or cross-dressing). We know, the chances of you meeting a fellow Trekkie at a Trekkie conference seem slim, but we’re telling you, the stars practically guarantee it this week!