Your Weekly Horoscopes: 07-15-2013

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, we present your horos in short poem form:

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
New love is like a bunny. A little, soft, scared and trembling bunny-wunny. We know the bunny’s cute and all, but go easy on the hugs and kisses or it might get scared and run away. Or you might break its neck. And then where would you be? One hundred percent bunny-less, that’s where.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It’s time to shut up and put out. ‘Nuff said.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Everyone knows about Mr./Ms. Right vs. Mr./Ms. Right Now. The trouble is, you’ve been so concerned with tracking down Mr./Ms. Right that you’re in danger of settling down, not so happily ever after, with Mr./Ms. So Wrong. Get out there and find yourself a little “right now,” if you catch our drift. It should eliminate some of your, ahem, “personal frustration.”

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
It’s a great week at the beach with friends, new and old. As night falls, your sun-kissed skin burns, the air cools and the wind picks up a bit. After cooking veggie burgers and dogs on the back patio grill and putting back a few gin & tonics with lime, a bunch of you stray back to the beach in the dark. All it takes is one exhibitionistic friend, and suddenly the gang is stripping — white asses disappearing into the black water. You hesitate, then throw caution to the wind and drop trou. The fleeting embarrassment is worth this feeling of refreshing liquid in new places. Later, you end up making out under the stars with someone you’d least expect. This has been a metaphor for your week — jump in.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Mingle, dahlings: it makes you look popular, and everyone wants to sleep with the popular kid.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
We’ve heard it all before: “If only I had more money, I could do all the things I really wanted to do. If only I had a better body, I could wear all the clothes I really wanted to wear. If only I could sing and screw like Sting, I could have anyone I ever really wanted…” Silence! Work with what you’ve got and make the most of it. Otherwise you’ll end up like that Miniver Cheevy dude from the Edwin Arlington Robinson poem and, come on, everyone knows how bad that would be.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
The problem with secret affairs is that you always have to meet in secret, thus greatly reducing your chances of meeting someone new. Yeah, we know we’re cynical, but did you really believe that the little tryst that you can’t tell anyone about — and truthfully, you only told like four or five friends — was going to turn into a lifelong connection? Face it, your public needs you: don’t deny them any longer.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
According to the stars, big changes in your love life could prove “amusing” this week. Amusing for whom, we’re not sure. But if people start laughing near you this week, well, you’ll know why — your love life is just so damn funny. Bwah ha ha!

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Charm will not be your strong suit this week. Here are some things to avoid in particular: forcing the issue, throwing temper tantrums, stamping your foot, getting all huffy and puffy, saying things like “It’s either my way or the highway,” etc. We can assure you, your lover will not play Daddy to your Veruca Salt, now…or ever.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You do something to someone, something that simply mystifies them. Tell them, why it should be, you have the power to hypnotize them. Let them live ‘neath your spell. Do do that voodoo that you do so well, for you do something to them that nobody else could do.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
What’s that they say about the tail wagging the dog? Well, let’s assume you’re the dog (sorry, nothing personal) and your overwhelming desire to fall in love (or at the very least, to have sex) is your tail. And it’s been shakin’ and draggin’ your sorry ass all over the place. Put your tail between your legs and get some control. At least then you’ll have something between your legs.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You look so cute when you’re all bossy. And a little birdie told us how, uh, excited they get when you’re in charge. So climb up into your lifeguard chair, smear some zinc oxide across your nose and start blowing that whistle. Even the strongest swimmers can use a few barked instructions and an inflatable device every now and then.