Your Weekly Horoscopes: 07-22-2013

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Q: What do you want to do tonight? A: Let’s go out dancing…no, let’s just stay in. Q: What would you like to eat? A: Pizza…no, wait, Chinese. Q: Shall we go with the standard missionary position or should we break out the leather underpants and the ball gag? A: The former…well, maybe the latter…no, the former. Your inability to make up your mind will drive your lover crazy. Be affectionate or do a little dance or something and maybe, if you’re lucky (and a really good dancer), they’ll overlook your wishywashiness.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
No one ever met the love of their life sitting home on a Saturday night in front of their computer. We know, we know — you might be working on your online personal ad. But sometimes you’ve just got to put the mouse down and go outside for some fresh air and in-the-flesh flirting. Your ass will thank you for it.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
It’s not that unheard of for sharks to mistake people and surf boards for dolphins. Just because the waters you swim in aren’t the natural habitats for oceanic predators, doesn’t mean you won’t get something bit off. Make sure you know what you’re getting into.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Usually when someone says you’re “insightful with all sorts of interesting opinions,” they mean you’re a bit of a dullard, long-winded and not all that attractive. And who wants challenging conversation at the beach anyway? Well, screw the lot of them and their Danielle Steele trashy beach-reading — this week, your razor-sharp insights and witty repartee will be reeling them in. And you’ll be a total hottie to boot.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Here’s your problem: You make yourself too easily available. If potential suitors think that anyone can have you, then why should they bother trying to woo you? Here’s your solution: Be a little aloof. Play a little hard to get. If you must find validation in the attentions of others, then find it in how many people you say “no” to rather than how many people you go home with.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’ve got it going on this week, so don’t waste it. And don’t ask us what “it” is — if we knew what “it” was, do you think we’d still be here peddling horoscopes? No, we’d bottle it and become millionaires and you’d have to pay $200 an hour to hear what we think about the stars. Until then, use your “it” wisely: Pick up the damn phone and make a date — or at least have really steamy phone sex.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Put your feet up and stay a while. You’ve been enjoying the thrill of the chase for so long now, you forgot how much fun it can be to crank back the La-Z-Boy, crack open a tall one, and let the hotties come to you for a change.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Patience is a virtue. So what, you say? Okay, how about this: patience will get you laid. Now do we have your attention? You’ll be tempted to fast-forward a relationship to the sex scene this week. But what’s your hurry? It’s a three-day rental. Take your time, hit pause, order a pizza and then sit back and enjoy a good movie. Because without all the plot and dialogue, it’s just a porno.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
There’s a thick gray fog hanging heavy over the dark sea of your sex life. Ask a good friend at the lighthouse to shed some light your way. The only way to navigate yourself safely to brighter skies, clearer waters and sex-filled beaches is with a little help and guidance from a lighthouse keeper.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You’ve got your mojo going on this week, so don’t waste it on players with mullets, Celine Dion fans, or anyone who’s never voted. You’ve got to channel the mojo, man. Take it on the road and find an appreciative audience. Don’t worry about the cover charge; you can pay off your credit card bill next month when the mojo’s on strike and you’re stuck at home listening to old Doors records.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’ll be inclined to get into a relationship for all the wrong reasons this week. You know, the usual: No plans for the weekend; six months since you got laid; urge to cuddle; desire to make your ex jealous; desire to please your parents; fear of dying alone, etc. We can’t promise that you won’t die alone, but we can promise that any relationship you enter into in this state will come back and bite you in the ass within the month. And hey, if we’re wrong, you won’t care, because you’ll be in a great relationship that’s not biting you in the ass. So everyone wins!

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You will be eager to get into a loving relationship, probably because you are in dire need of intimate contact…from others…besides family members. Don’t let desperation make you do anything (or anyone) stupid. Bring protection (whether that means condoms or a friend who won’t let you drunk dial an ex when you go out on Friday night).