Your Weekly Horoscopes: 08-12-2013

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
There’s this great flick with Goldie Hawn and Burt Reynolds called Best Friends (only the lucky few who had HBO in the early ’80s have heard of it). In BF, this long-term, live-together, work-together couple finally decides to get married — to make it official, to take the relationship to the next level. As a result, however, the delicate social and emotional balance they’d created is suddenly upset. Hilarity ensues. The moral of the story? If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Or at least that’s what they want you to believe…before they sucker punch you with the typical Hollywood happy ending — you know the one: something about love conquering all, blah, blah, blah. Well, this week, rewind and stick with the original pessimistic premise.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
This week, be the boss in matters of the heart, and you’ll find it’s not always lonely at the top. In fact, that’s just a myth they tell the little people to quell ambition. If you take charge and be bold, you’ll find that it’s often quite the opposite of lonely at the top. Don’t forget your dictaphone!

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The key to every successful relationship is compromise. You’ve got to give up a little to get a lot more; you’ve got to learn to let some things go to get other things in return. Of course, if you could care less about a successful relationship, you can afford to say stupid things like, “It’s either my way or the highway” while chewing your dip and drinking your forty in a padded baseball cap and a wife-beater. But we think you’ve graduated to a new class of interpersonal relations.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Beware of gold diggers. Especially while attending talks. (Don’t look at us — we don’t make this stuff up.)

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You have great friends — they’re funny, charming, attractive, good conversationalists, and probably dynamite in the bedroom, too. And the thing is, you’re going to be bricking all week. So might we suggest you travel in a posse? No need to hide behind them; just think of them as a temporary safety net until you get your mojo back next week.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You may be able to chat your way into someone’s heart-slash-pants, but your aggressive action is likely to send him or her running pretty soon. Back off and let whomever you fancy come to you instead. Translation: You’ll be watching a lot of porn this week.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Look closely: Are they really as available as they lead you to believe? “Available” isn’t just a state of mind, you know.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’ll have a fifty/fifty chance of choosing the right partner this week. Here’s a hint: Looks are deceiving. Here’s another: All that glitters is not gold. Getting warm? Someone once told you that “personality” was just a crutch for ugly people. That someone is going broke from all their Botox treatments and feels very empty inside.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You know all those things you say after six too many gin and tonics? The nice things, we mean — when you get that slushy gushy feeling that you’re in love with the world and it seems like a good idea to wake one of the world’s citizens at five a. m. and tell them so. This week, stay sober and keep the gushy stuff to yourself. If not drinking is too much to ask, hide your phone before leaving the house at night to avoid the drunken dialies.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
The humble peppercorn. Such a delightful addition to scrambled eggs, when finely ground and applied in moderation. Too much pepper, of course, and you’re sneezing like a champion and wiping snot on your sleeve — and the eggs? Well, they’re just plain ruined. Where were we going with this? Oh yes: Your desire to be in a more serious relationship is the peppercorn. Beware of applying too liberally.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Beware of strangers bearing gifts.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Love don’t cost a thing, and neither does asking a question. If you want the salt then you say, “Would you please pass the salt,” right? Assuming that you already have enough salt in your diet, you might want to consider what else (or who else) it is that you’d like. And then ask the damn question. This is not Jeopardy: there are no wrong questions.