Your Weekly Horoscopes: 08-19-2013

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
While we’re usually all for secret office romances — the long lunches, the supply closet make-out sashes, the car pooling! — you really shouldn’t get involved with someone at work this week. It will be short lived and may jeopardize your job as well. Think before you make a move on someone who is off limits, like a boss or an underling. Wait till next week, and then make a move on a coworker who’s glued to same rung of the corporate ladder with no prospects for upward mobility, just like you.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Opposites, shmopposites! You’re onto someone who’s just as intense and strong-willed (or obnoxious and opinionated, depending how you look at it) as you are. Put on your gloves (and your satin underwear) and put up your dukes, because you’re about to go head to head in the ring of love. And in this ring, there are no losers, only people with mullets.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
This week, it’s all about body language. And we don’t mean the cheezoid hair toss or the so-called seductive crossing and uncrossing of the legs, a la Sharon Stone. No, we just mean: Walk into a room like you own it. Look at that hottie across the room like it’s your decision whether they come over and ask for your number. Try not to talk to much; you risk ruining your rap. Walk out of a room like you know you’re taking the party with you. If your friends ask you why you’re walking funny, give them a “you wouldn’t understand” look and stare off into the distance. Just wait till they see your funny walk tomorrow, after you’ve gotten the lay of your life.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
We . . . would . . . like . . . to . . . teach . . . you . . . a . . . lesson . . . in . . . patience. Do you always skim the last few pages of a novel to get to the end? Do you get ants in your pants during commercial breaks? Are you wondering how the hell you’re going to wait until the next season of House of Cards? Of course you do, you’re a Cancer! Well, these small trials were put here on this Earth to make you a better person. And this week, the trial will take the form of . . . booty! Sucks to be you, but if you can bide your time for, oh, six days, we have a feeling you won’t be getting much rest on the seventh, heh, heh. (Don’t you love it when we make cheesy Biblical jokes like your dirty old Baptist uncle?)

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Love will come looking for you this week. However, it may just be someone dressed up in a Love suit looking to use you. Don’t fall for it. Especially if it’s a coworker.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You have nothing to worry about this week. No, really. Except for Egypt and the economy and whether or not Angelina is going to have twins again — nothing. As far as sex, love and naughty underwear go, your life will be worry-free.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Do it! What are you waiting for?! Act now! Don’t hesitate! Hurry, hurry! It’s do or die! Jump in with both feet! The early bird gets the worm! Why are we shouting?!

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
The stars say to put on the charm and do your dance this week. You have a dance? Is this something you do in your underwear in front of your bedroom mirror? Does it involve spanking your own ass with a hairbrush? Or is this “dance” something you do out in public, like some kind of macho end zone spaz-out that embarrasses all your friends? If you ask us, the stars are smoking crack. Whatever you do, don’t do your dance. Putting on the charm, however, is fine by us.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If you ask us, the stars are serving you some B.S. advice this week: “Play some mind games to keep your romantic interest guessing and on their toes.” Great. Why don’t you say you: I’ll call tomorrow and then rudely wait for days to do so? Better yet, why don’t you steal Scorpio’s smooth dance moves to keep them guessing? Yep, that’ll get you laid.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You may be a real joker but if you make fun of others you aren’t likely to gain the respect of someone you are trying to impress. You will lose out in the romance department if you aren’t diplomatic. In other words, don’t be an asshole.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
If Oprah wrote these horoscopes, she’d tell you to rejuvenate, rekindle and reach out for your love. But she doesn’t, so we’ll just say this: Get busy in the bedroom! Do not leave the bedroom (except to pee) until you’ve conquered at least ten Kama Sutra positions.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This isn’t the week to toot your own horn. If you do, you won’t be tooting anyone else’s horn, if you know what we mean.