Your Weekly Horoscopes: 09-02-2013

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Some people are paralyzed by the prospect of making decisions. They fear they’ll make the wrong choice, that one wrong move — like buying the generic toothpaste on sale rather than the Tom’s of Maine — could set in motion an irreversible course of events that will determine whether or not they die alone and destitute. So they procrastinate, overanalyze, and stress. Ultimately, they don’t decide, just let the toothpaste fall where it may, which is of course a kind of decision all of its own. Usually, these people feel out of control, constantly worried, like there’s a void. And this week, we’re saying that’s a good thing for you. Embrace the indecision. Sit on your ass. See how the other half suffers and it’ll serve your love life well. Don’t worry, you can go back to taking charge of your destiny next week, after some sucker’s taken pity on you and taken you home.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It’s like you’re on your own episode of “The Love Boat” this week, except without that annoying Julie McCoy getting in the way. Set a course for adventure; put your mind on a new romance. It won’t hurt any more, we promise (at least not until next week).

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Don’t settle for second best when it comes to a relationship. But don’t be like those psycho parents who coach their kid’s softball team and put so much pressure on them that it takes all the fun out of the game and they just end up crying or wetting their pants. Find a happy medium.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
This week, you’ll be putting the rico back in suave. You’ll be more sought after than the hottest counselor at summer camp, except this time, all your adoring fans are well past (or, at least, just past) the age of consent. Go nuts! Stay cool! Have a great end to your summer!

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If you’re looking for a challenge, you’ve found it! If you’re looking for an “unconventional” relationship, you’ve found it! If sweet, loving, tender, committed, long-term relationships seem “boring” to you, then you won’t find this one dull! If you’re looking to have your heart pummeled in a blender, it’s your lucky week!

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Pushiness usually looks good on you. But this week, it’ll look like a neon-colored shirt with horizontal stripes and plaid pants. Or worse, it’ll look like a mullet. This week, you won’t be able to force intimacy from a partner anymore than you’ll be able to make something from the old Jaclyn Smith line of clothes from K-mart “work.”

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
With risk comes reward, and with no risk comes a string of lonely nights in front of the television watching Daily Show reruns just to stay in the loop of current events. Wouldn’t it be nicer to have someone to cuddle with on the couch while you stay in the loop? So take a chance and ask them out already. We forbid you to whine about long lonely nights until then. Sure, they might say no, but at least then you’ll have earned your right to whine about long lonely nights.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
In the immortal words of James Brown, get up. If you want to get down, you gotta get up. We said get up, you lazy mofo. What does this look like, a retirement home? If you want to sit at home and watch Daily Show re-runs all weekend like Libra, then don’t come crying to us when you’re still doing that twenty years from now.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
The whole trick to writing horoscopes is to make them applicable both to the sweet young couple on their second date and the dirty old marrieds who just bought a strap-on together. Of course, it’s not a “trick” — it’s an art, it’s a science, and it’s mystical as hell, alright? That said, here’s yours for the week. “Quotation marks” mean you should interpret as your current situation requires: Be a little “mysterious” and take the unusual “route” this week, and you will surely meet someone who is equally as “creative” and willing to use his or her “imagination” to please you as well. Now that’s a horoscope.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Don’t mislead someone about your intentions just because you don’t want to be alone tonight. If all you’re interested in is “play,” then ferchrissakes don’t check the “serious relationship” box, you big heart tease.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
This is not the best week for you and relationships. Apparently you are likely to be extremely sensitive and overreact to emotional situations. So, uh, hey, did you know that “Piranha 3-D” opened recently? We hear it’s a real quality flick, maybe you should go see it a couple of times. Alone.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Your unique approach to life will attract all sorts of attention this week. Just be your free-spirited self, and interesting characters will gravitate to your side. Honestly, we’re not attaching any kind of judgment to the words “unique,” “free-spirited” and “interesting. ” And we’re not trying to say that new-age hippie freaks will always gravitate to other new-age hippie freaks. We just think happen to think you’re special, and it’s about damn time someone told you so, ya new-age hippie freak.