Your Weekly Horoscopes: 09-16-2013

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
In Buffy, the Vampire Slayer (the 1992 movie, of course), our shop-aholic savior doesn’t go out looking for fangsters. No, they come to her. She doesn’t act, she just reacts, breaking hearts left and right. You’ll be able to relate this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You may be in the mood for love but that doesn’t mean that your partner of choice will be. Resist the temptation to act like a frat boy at a party just who’s done three shots of Jager to muster up the courage to date rape the passed out chick in the back keg room (to paraphrase a brilliant line from Sam Lipsyte’s “Home Land”). Don’t act like Veruca Salt (original version) when she doesn’t get a golden egg, either. Just be the epitome of cool, like Johnny Depp or Joan Jet or Fonzie. Okay, maybe not Fonzie.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you say you’re going to do something, do it. Just do it. Do or do not; there is no try. If you can do all that, you’ll get done.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Like Taurus, you may be in the mood for love but that doesn’t mean that your partner of choice will be. In your case, resist the temptation to substitute just to satisfy your needs. Because if you cheat this week, you will be caught with your pants down and your new ex will post those hideous nude photos of you on the Internet.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You may be shy, but leaving your love life up to the balls of others isn’t working. This is your week to be the one who makes the move. Suck it up, step up, and ring them up or propose or ask for whatever it is you want. Yes, it will sting when you get rejected, but at least it will make the next time easier. Just kidding: you won’t be rejected. Feel better? Now go get ’em, Tiger!

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Okay, so you’re enamored with someone who won’t give you the time of day. No prob. Just try a different approach: don’t be so obvious, focus on friendship, and leave out the sexual innuendos for now. You may also want to try a breath mint and a new hairstyle (the “party in the back” isn’t working for you anymore).

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You will be ready to fall in love this week. But when is one not ready to fall in love? When one has just recently been dumped? When one has just recently done some dumping? When one is having financial troubles? When one is having a bad hair day? . . . We highly doubt it. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen — whether you’ve finally got your life together or you’ve hit rock bottom. So maybe what the stars are trying to say is that this is a good week to be on the look out for love. You know, so you don’t trip over it.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
The question is usually: Love or Art? This week, it’s: Love or Money? The answer is Money, because it apparently can buy you love — at least this week. Go to places that are frequented by upwardly mobile people like yourself and there’s a good chance you’ll end up with someone of high stature. Cha-ching!

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
How did “Every Breath You Take” become a sweet love ditty? It’s a creepy stalker song about obsession and jealousy. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that the devastatingly handsome, eternally charming, British-accented Sting (a. k. a. King of Sexual Stamina) sings it. Well, you’re not Sting — so qualities like obsession and jealousy aren’t really going to fly with your own personal fans, especially this week.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Be too open, too gushy, too zealous, too brutally honest (“yes, your hair does look pretty bad today”) this week, and you’ll probably end up too dumped.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Have you been ordering those “Hypnotize People to Worship You” instructional tapes off the Internet again, or have you switched to a nice smelling shampoo, or is your fly down/skirt accidentally tucked in your underwear? Because you will mesmerize whomever you set your sights on this week. They won’t be able to take their eyes off you. Cover yourself in glue, and they won’t be able to take their hands off you.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Look, we know you’re right, as usual. But there are people who are just going to want to argue with you this week; they’re going to wind you up, spin you around and leave you dazed and confused. Don’t feed the animals.