Your Weekly Horoscopes: 09-22-14

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You call it “free-spirited”; we call it “about as evolved as a dog sniffing another dog’s poopy-butt.” Don’t come crying to us when you die alone.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Jeez, talk about specific. We hope your town has some kind of charity run coming up. Or even a charity chicken dance. Because the stars reckon that if you take part in an event that is both “sporty and charitable,” you might meet someone special. If you can’t find anything pre-existing, then we suggest you give fate a helping hand and organize one of your own. And it’s not cheating if we say it’s not.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Wear your heart on your sleeve this week. For once, a pigeon isn’t going to choose that very moment to poop all over it.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Never one to shy away from trying something new, you will sign up for that new anti-stress class where you spend thirty minutes straight laughing like a hyena, or take that underwater basket-weaving class at your local school of continuing education, or go to a high-colonic spa. This will increase your chances of meeting someone “special.” Don’t hesitate to tell someone you like them, especially after they’ve just had two pounds of year-old feces manually pumped out of their abyss — nobody riding that kind of high could say no to your advances.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Sometimes the planets align just so for one, sole, humble purpose: To make you dynamite in the sack for a week. Forget about world peace or tidal changes, this is all about a booty call of stellar proportions. So for booty’s sake, make sure you’re in some kind of sack this week, otherwise it will have all been for naught.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’ll find it hard to keep it in your pants this week. May we suggest keeping it there until someone takes it out for you?

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This is so like you: The person on your romance plate both stimulates and repulses you, kind of like meatloaf. You won’t know what to do. So instead of just gracefully putting the napkin on your lap, picking up your silverware and taking slow, small bites, you’ll probably freak out and end up rubbing the meatloaf all over your naked body right there on the dining room table. Which may or may not be a bad thing.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’d like to think that that fascinating creature is laughing at your jokes because they’re funny, is asking for your help because you’re all-knowing, and is hanging around all the time because you smell good. But you’d be wrong. They probably just want you to introduce them to your friend.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Do you want to know how to make friends and influence people? Are you ready for the secret? People have made millions of dollars hawking books and hosting seminars on the subject, and we’re about to dish the goods to you absolutely free. Just because we like you — it’s that simple. The secret is that simple, too: You’ve got to ask questions and listen to the answers. Got that? Ask someone questions about them…and…then…wait for the answer…and listen to the answer…and…ask them another related question to show you listened and understood. They’ll talk all night while you listen, enraptured. They’ll probably talk their way right into your pants, in fact — assuming you don’t have three heads, you don’t stick them with the bill, and you don’t tell them it was all part of your cunning plan to bed them.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
It’s like you just found a pair of sneakers with the initials M. J. on the tongue, and every time you wear them, booty is a slamdunk, no-contest affair. But don’t forget to take off the sneaks every now and then, lest you contract a nasty case of athelete’s foot.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
People from different backgrounds will interest you this week. This may mean you’ll hook up with a vegetarian hippie. Then again, it may mean it’s finally time to come out of the closet.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
We know that blind dates probably leave you colder than a witch’s tit. But obviously they must work occasionally, right? We can’t all be such suckers that we continue to let our annoying co-workers set us up with their sister’s aunt’s yoga instructor’s vet when there’s no chance in hell it’ll lead to anything good, right? No, we’re not. Studies have shown that one in three hundred-and-forty-seven blind dates will lead to a lasting connection, while one in fifty will lead to a hot anal encounter, and one in five will lead to some kind of boot-ay. This week, the booty gods are looking kindly upon you, so get a friend to hook you up with their third cousin, stat!


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