Your Weekly Horoscopes: 09-30-2013

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Sexual experimentation may be what you’re looking for, but the stars say dressing up in matching gimp suits will be much more rewarding if you really get to know someone first — how precious. So ask the sexual history questions, have some deep conversations about Kant’s Categorical Imperative, meet the parents, then get your kink on.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
This is not the week to give ultimatums. This is not a week to be a bully. This is not a week to start referring to your partner’s most recent exes as “the axis of evil.” This is not a week to send back your salad if the dressing’s not on the side. This is a week to take what gets thrown at you and like it. Trust us, you don’t want to suffer the consequences of fighting back this week. Just rent Barbie & the Magic of Pegasus, order a pizza, and wait it out.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
When it rains, it pours. You’re either in a draught with no puddle in sight, or you’ve got so many partners falling from the sky it’s impossible to choose. Yeah, we agree: We’d take rainy weather any day. And it looks like you’ve got heavy clouds rolling in. Just take your time and be selective about which raindrops you want to feel on your tongue. And wear your rubbers!

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
The charm is just oozing out of your pores this week (trust us, that’s sexier than it sounds). Sure, you can flirt, but why stop there? Ask someone you just met to be your boyfriend/girlfriend. Tell your crush to go upstairs and get in your bed, á la Moonstruck. Buy someone you’ve never met before flowers. You’ll be surprised by the reactions you get. (Hey, we’re not guaranteeing that you’ll be pleased with those reactions, just surprised.)

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
We usually think game-playing should be reserved for dinner parties and family holidays — you know, Boggle, Cranium, strip poker. But apparently a bit of mind screwing is in order this week: The more aloof you are, the more attractive you will be to someone who’s interested in you. Of course, if that someone is shallow enough to fall for that trick, then maybe you should find a new someone who’s good at board games, not head games.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’ll be in an aggressive mood, like you’ve just worked out, taken steroids, or watched the entire series of The Sopranos on DVD. Therefore, it pains us to tell you that talking will be way more of a turn-on for your potential mates this week than physical advances. Keep the tiger in its cage, put your hair in a sensitive ponytail, and save the alpha act for rough-housing with yourself.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Oooh, aren’t we popular this week, like a homecoming queen with a penchant for partying, her own Porsche, Daddy’s credit card, and keys to the family country house (the one with the heated outdoor jacuzzi). Enjoy the attention, just don’t get drunk and pass out, lest you end up with a trashed house and a need for Planned Parenthood.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Don’t be disappointed if someone doesn’t respond to your advances. He or she is probably stupid. Wake up and smell the hottie who isn’t, the one who’s been admiring you from a distance. That is, until they saw you hitting on the donut hole.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
The stars say not to hook up with just anyone but hold out for someone who’s gonna be with you for the long haul. God, sometimes the stars can be such a stick in the mud. Why should you not have any fun if the “One” hasn’t come along yet? As long as you’re safe and kind, go ahead, we won’t tell the stars. Then again, maybe they know something we don’t. Like, maybe fooling around with one person will piss off the other person you’re supposed to love, marry, and reproduce with, derailing your fate for forever. What to do? Maybe just flip a coin.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You get in these warm, overly-loving moods and it spills onto everyone around you and all of a sudden they’re picking out names for your kids. Make sure you’re not leading anyone on, unless you really want to parent twins with that weirdo from the bus stop.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
If relationships are like Hallmark greeting cards, then your latest fling is a tricked-out, ten-dollar, love-ditty-playing, oversized monstrosity of a thing. And inside it’s completely blank. Enjoy it while it lasts, which will be about five seconds.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Just like a master pick-up artist, you can talk anyone into spending “intimate” time with you, but like anyone (Veruca Salt, say) who always gets what they want, you’ll quickly become bored and annoyed. And then you’re stuck with someone who didn’t understand that “intimate” meant “nasty, brutish, and short” and not “deep and meaningful.” Good luck getting rid of them.