Your Weekly Horoscopes: 10-07-2013

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Eeny, meeny, miney, moe, which one to shag, which one to let go? Before you go making any rash decisions, make sure you’ve got all your facts straight. In fact, we’d recommend not making a decision this week at all, because we’re 99.9 percent sure you’ll make the wrong one. (And we’re one hundred percent sure that one of them’s a real booby prize, and not in that good, cleavage kind of way. ) Get to know them both a little better first — it’s not “leading them on” if you don’t make any promises. By the way, sleeping with them both may postpone a decision, but it doesn’t meet the “not leading them on” qualification. So zip up, horny goat weed.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) Someone you think is completely wrong for you, for whatever reason — bad hair, bad table manners, bad politics, bad breath — is going to keep pushing. Before you write them off completely, give them a second chance and a mint.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st) Sometimes love is like basketball and sometimes it’s like chess. In fact, if you like analogies as much as we do, love can be like any game we damn well say it is. This week, you’re supposed to get out and play the game of love. We won’t tell you what game specifically — just that, as long as you’re not doing anything that could be classified as bench-sitting (or worse, cheerleading), then you’re golden.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd) Secret affairs usually end in tears. Secret affairs at the office are three times as likely to end in tears. However, most opportunities for secret affairs usually present themselves in the workplace. So what are you gonna do? Hey, there’s always honesty and fidelity. Call us old-fashioned, but we happen to think monogamy is underrated.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)  Woah, monogamy alert! For the second week running, the stars warn you to seriously reconsider your decision to commit. Except this time, it’s not someone else who’s putting the pressure on you — it’s you! So cut yourself some slack, Leo, and have a little fun, why don’t you? And if anyone tries to tell you that “your prison is walking through this world all alone,” just ask them when’s the last time they received really good head.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd) This week is not looking good for love. Not good at all. We’re not sure if there’s anything you can do to avoid the impending problemos romantico, but you might want to try avoiding physical encounters, not rushing into anything, being discriminating, taking the week off and locking yourself indoors until mid-November, etc. We hope we’re not freaking you out. It’s really not that bad… Oh, who are we kidding? Yes it is. Good luck, buddy!

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd) You won the coin toss this week, so you get to go first in the game of love. Make the first move, Sport.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd) This week, your intellectual banter — your verbal vim and vigor, as it were — will be mesmerizing. Especially to whichever sex you consider to be the fairer one. You’ll appear to others like the love child of Alex Trebek and Charlie Rose. Except much, much hotter. But don’t make the mistake of falling so deeply in love with the sound of your own voice that you forget to use your hypnotic powers to score some good lovin’: Know when to shut up and start giving the other kind of good oral.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st) We know we usually say that playing hard to get went out with VCRs. And generally, we are big proponents of playing it straight (but not in the square way). This week, however, you might want to go a little retro and play a teensy-weensy bit hard to get. Just don’t tell anyone we told you so, okay? We’ve got a rep to protect.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th) Blah blah blah. Why are you even reading this? You know what you have to do to get what you want. So just do it. Don’t wait around for us to tell you to, you big procrastinator.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th) You don’t have to read women’s magazines or “How to Succeed in Business” manuals to know that body language works. What you have to remember, however, is that the language you speak has a pretty high correlation to who will listen — if you speak German, your chances of picking up a Fraulein or scoring some Wiener for dinner increase dramatically, and so on. Make sure you know what dialect your body language is speaking this week.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th) Friendship has many benefits, most of which Hallmark has covered in excruciating detail and pleasant pastel illustrations. But there’s one biggie they forgot: platonic friendships can sometimes blossom into something… more. In fact, we’re thinking of petitioning for a new holiday: “Bonk Your Buddy Day.” And you’re our inspiration.