Your Weekly Horoscopes: 10-14-13

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
It’s a common human trait to expect life to be good and to be easy. It’s a common human reality that life is often not these things: the sex is bad, or non-existent, and it rarely shows up on your doorstep with no strings attatched. But you can help yourself by being proactive, getting off your ass and searching for what it is you want instead of waiting for it to come to you. It’s like those people who always say they’re bored — the only one responsible for their boredom is themselves. If only they’d take out a personal ad or go get some butt plugs.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Things to avoid this week: turkey burgers, phallic-shaped fruit, sex with delivery people and family members, tartar-control toothpaste and crack. Things to pursue: butt crack, butt crack, butt crack! Need we say more?

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’re peppier than a high school cheerleader on speed this week. That could be a really hot, taboo, sex fantasy-type thing, or else a really annoying, spastic kind of thing. It all depends on the cheers you choose to do and the crowds you choose to do them in front of. Choose wisely.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Whenever you’re feeling particularly broke, you can head over to your local MEGA market and nosh on all their free samples. Not only can you fill up on tasty snacks, but you can avoid splashing out on some of the supermarket’s less successful culinary experiments. This week, let friendship be your equivalent of trying before buying. Get to know someone before putting your heart on the line. Otherwise, it could end up mashed in the blender like the unfortunate pureed pea dip we sampled last week.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
So here’s the deal: very soon, someone’s going to make you an offer you’ll find hard to refuse. One of those “Wanna get busy in the Burger King bathroom?” offers. Except more romantic. But the thing is, you can refuse it, because, according to the stars, something even better will be coming along soon. Think of it as stockpiling for the dry season.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man or woman in possession of a healthy sex drive must be in want of a partner. Well, duh. But sometimes we forget the simplest truths in pursuit of a complicated excuse for why we’re not getting any. Stop with all the blather, okay? It is the actions you take that will win someone’s affections this week. You know what you have to do.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
It doesn’t get any sexier than It’s a Wonderful Life. Hear us out. There’s that one scene where Mary and George are both listening and speaking into one receiver of a phone to someone on the other end, their love for one another as yet unspoken, their heads and lips getting closer and closer, the sexual tension between them so thick you can almost smell it. Until finally, George just loses it, drops the phone, grabs Mary fiercely by the arms and draws her up to him. Like a love-crazed crazy person, he screams at her all the things he doesn’t want to do — a frenetic lust-filled laying down of ground rules, followed by a passionate embrace and feverish kisses. Hot! Create your own classic scene with the “Mary” (or “Martin”) in your life by laying down your own ground rules. Who cares if you don’t end up playing by them?

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Temptation is a ten-letter word. Seduction is a nine-letter word. And we bet you’ve got more big words where those came from, don’t you? Focus on your linguistic prowess this week and you could win the big prize. And no, we’re not talking about a gift certificate to Friendly’s for winning the spelling bee.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Plan a trip. Whether that means going sky-diving on a first date, going to a B&B after a month of dating or going to Paris for a long weekend with your long-term partner, just plan something. Hell, throw together a cheesy scavenger hunt if it will get you and your luva off your butts.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Secret affairs don’t always lead to boiled bunnies, but they rarely end up happily ever after, either. Take The English Patient, for example (an oldie but a goodie — where are all the new infidelity = death movies these days?!). Sure, they had hot sex in the bathtub that one time, and a steamy encounter at the holiday party, but was it worth three deaths? We’re not suggesting that any fatalities will result from your minor (or perhaps major?) indiscretion, but one thing’s for sure: it won’t be pretty. Get out now while you’re still getting away with it.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Sometimes being in a relationship is like trying to run a marathon handcuffed to someone in rollerblades. You’re just going at different paces, and no amount of Power Bars can fix that. This week, your sex drive is on eight wheels with no brakes. Be patient with your partner, be encouraging and coaxing and don’t force them up that hill until they’ve caught their breath. Oh yeah, and enjoy the handcuffs!

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
We’re not big fans of juggling, and neither are the stars. You may have trouble making up your mind, but that is no reason to try before you buy. Look but don’t touch until you’ve made up your mind.