Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Your attention span for relationships currently rivals that of the average Buzzfeed reader. Consequently, don’t dabble in anything too serious —- instead, surround yourself with a poo-poo platter of mini-flings to suit your tastes. Maybe next week you’ll grow up a bit. . . uh, we mean, be ready to make a few important decisions.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If we had a dime bag for every time the stars told us to convey the message “Flaunt what you’ve got and you’ll get the attention you deserve,” we’d be stoned out of our minds. Fortunately the stars don’t deal in narcotics, so we’re still clear-headed enough to be able to tell you this: Flaunt what you’ve got and you’ll get the attention you deserve.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you live in the north of the U.S. like we do, there’s some unseasonably mean cold weather coming your way this week (they’re calling it the “Bomb Cyclone,” which we guess is supposed to sound a lot scarier than “Polar Vortex”). In other words, you should find someone cuddly and bunker down with them for the week. We’re thinking Olive Kitteridge (HBO On Demand), red wine, and a pair of fuzzy handcuffs. If you’re single, may we suggest you get on Tinder, stat, while it’s still warm enough to head outside and meet your blind date.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Don’t just sit there thinking about your love life (that’s our job) -— get out there and do something about it. Like what, you ask snottily? Well, let’s see, things that won’t get you a date include: whining to us, whining to your therapist, whining to your goldfish, trimming your toe nails. Things that might get you a date include: going to your 5/10/15/20-year high school reunion, joining a community service group, actively using online personals, becoming rich and famous. Oh, and if you do get a date, trim your toe nails first.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Ironically, staying very busy this week will be the key to finding someone to lie around in bed with all day.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Apparently you will be a silver tongued communicator this week. So we recommend setting your sights a little higher than simply using your new-found oratorical skills to order a particularly complicated sandwich at the deli.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You should consider wearing one of those “keep back fifty yards” t-shirts this week. Proximity to hotties will get you all flustered, and not in an endearing way -— we’re talking pit stains and clammy hands. If you don’t want someone to see you lose your cool this early on in the seduction process (and trust us, it won’t be pretty), then keep your distance. And wear deodorant.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Sitting around worrying will not solve all your problems. Neither will yoga. There, we said it: There is such a thing as a problem that yoga can’t solve, despite what all the celebrities claim. (And who believes them, anyway? When they say that yoga gives them that special glow, it’s just Hollywood code for bulimia, plastic surgery, and a three-hundred-dollar facial. Hi, Renee Zellweger.) But anyway, you’re too broke for the facial, and too smart for surgery or an eating disorder. So hit the town with some good friends, instead; it’s twice the therapy and doesn’t leave scars or rot your teeth.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Put a collar on yourself and hand your date the leash. Let them lead the way. Better to see where they’re going rather than taking off for the nearest fire hydrant and embarrassing yourself. (We don’t intend for you to take this advice literally, unless you’d like to dabble in a little BDSM role playing . . . in which case, don’t use a real dog collar but a made-for-play one, and always lead from the front!)
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
We talk a big game here about not assuming exclusivity in a relationship until you’ve had “the talk,” but dating in a plural sense is not for the faint of heart. No matter how honest you are with everyone involved (you have been honest with everyone, haven’t you?), you can only keep it going for so long before someone starts to get upset, pouty, jealous, or psycho. We’re only human, after all, and “thanks so much for the great head, I have to go shower for my next date” doesn’t make anyone feel warm and fuzzy. It might be time to make like the Bachelor/ette and start kicking some of your followers to the curb. If you can arrange to have them picked up in a limo, that would be a nice touch.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You won’t have any trouble finding love this week, but if you are too accommodating and decide to spread yourself around, you may hurt someone’s feelings. There is something to be said for monogamy. And that’s not even coming from us monogamy whores -— that’s coming straight from the stars!
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You wouldn’t happen to have feelings for more than one person, now, would you? Come on, you can tell us. Maybe you’re feeling just a little tug from someone in another direction. . . We knew it! We have no advice for you, we just wanted to see if we were right.
(And yes, that’s too much baseball for any reader of this website.)
Oops! Somehow forgot to add in your new horo for this week, Mark! We’ll look in our files and post your new one soon, promise…
Awww, we Gemini got the same as last week (I knew that looked familiar!) — that’s a lot of, uh, baseball… 😉