Your Weekly Horoscopes: 12-02-13

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
There’s a fine line between being generous and being taken advantage of. You Aries aren’t suckers, so don’t be the first. If you find that you’re always picking up the tab, buying presents, and supporting someone else’s bling bling habit, then either drop the mooch or else send us some cash.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If you aren’t one hundred percent sure when it comes to a relationship that you’ve been toying with, it’s best to back off. Because if you pick someone up, you will have trouble letting him or her down later on. And you know you’ve got that bad back. So bend at the knees.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You can’t make yourself necessary to someone — that’s something that happens organically, over the course of a relationship. And you definitely can’t be “needy enough for the both of us.” That’s what we like to call “desperate” or “scary.” So chill out.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Decisions, they’re so difficult, aren’t they? Which one to go to dinner with? Which one to go down on? How many players in the playing field is too many? Oh, it’s all so confusing and bothersome. What the heck, why not keep them all in your rotation for now and let the decision make itself when they discover what a ten-timing bastard you really are.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Aren’t you just the superficial biatch? (That goes for you dudes, too.) So what if they haven’t heard the new Arctic Monkeys album? So what if they still fold and pin their jeans? Are you really going to rule out a hottie just because they think Dancing with the Stars is the “coolest thing ever”? Jeez, you’re so uptight. Relax your standards a bit and save the scathing judgments for the second date.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Here’s the line. Here’s you putting your heart on it. Here’s someone punting your heart all the way into New Jersey. If you want to win the game, keep your heart off the line.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You should actively pursue someone you’re into. That means you too, ladies. “But what about the possibility of rejection?” you whine. Rejection is a character builder. Now get out there and hustle.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
We could be nice and say that you’re a dreamer, that you’ve got your head in the clouds. But we’re gonna be meaners: You’ve got your head up your tush. And with an obstructed view like that, you’re not going to be able to see that what you want and what your partner wants are two different things. Take a laxative, clear your pipes, get your head back on straight, wipe your eyes, and then you might be able to get on the same page with your honey.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Do you like to dance? Well, the stars say you should put on your dancing shoes. They may just be using that as a metaphor for getting out and socializing. But we prefer a more fundamentalist interpretation: you should seriously go out dancing this week. No, seriously. All that tension needs to be released, and a spinning class at the gym ain’t gonna cut it. You need to get in touch with your inner Martha Graham: shake that body, shake your groove thing, do the hippy hippy shake. It’s sure to work like some ancient mating ritual. Just be picky when it comes to picking partners for the bump and grind.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
We know you claim that heights don’t scare you, but you’re simply not ready for the jump of your life. We recommend chilling in the cockpit and enjoying the complimentary bevvies while you change your mind another couple hundred times or so. This time, you might decide that you’d actually rather land while inside the plane. And that’s cool, man.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
The earth is being raped by fast food chains, AIDS is still wiping out entire villages around the world, sex trafficking is at an all time high, and life has no meaning. But go on, go out and mingle, attract all sorts of potential partners — as long as you don’t lead anyone on, you’re doing your part to help make this world a better place. How big of you.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
The stars oh-so-casually mention that “a possible life-long partner” may cross your path this week. So no pressure, or anything. Jeez, we really hope that big zit clears up before the humanoid of your dreams comes around. ‘Cause the potential life-long partner doesn’t have to stop being superficial until after the fifth date.