Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
They say they’re single.
Who are you to believe them?
Truth eludes us all.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If you make new friends,
Don’t tell them you like sploshing . . .
Until you know them.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Stubborness ain’t cool
In the romance department.
You must give to get.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You may be horny,
But you’ve got to keep it real.
One-night stands suck hard.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Organized events
Are sexier than you think.
Get involved; get laid.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Much like a haiku,
Give little away with words.
Mystery is rad.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Friends make good lovers.
Well, not all friends qualify.
Proceed with caution.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Like a leaf falling,
Go your own unique way down,
Others will follow.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You’re a smarty-pants.
Hot-pants likes your tarty rants.
Don’t forget condoms.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
If you want to charm,
Do not try to disarm them
With your machismo.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Ready, set, go, dude!
Someone special — or butt plugs —
Are at the finish.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Opportunity
Is knocking on your front door.
Open it slowly.
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