Your Weekly Horoscopes: May 26th, 2015

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
This week, beware of smooth talkers, smooth criminals, smooth moves, and X-Lax.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Spontaneity will win you friends-with-potential. So will picking up the tab.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You know that person you’ve been thinking about every time you rub one out lately? It’s time to let them know where they lie in your affections. You might want to go with a euphemism, though — try “I can’t stop thinking about you,” and just leave it at that.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
This week, say it with flowers, say it with concert tickets, say it with oral sex, say it with breakfast in bed, say it with a brand-new sex toy, say it playlists curated just with them in mind, say it with more oral sex — say it with anything but words.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You will have a gut feeling about how to spend your fun time this week. Follow it. For example, if you are suddenly consumed by an unexplainable fear that the movie Pitch Perfect 2 won’t even come close to the original, then avoid buying a ticket to it at all costs. If you are overcome with the urge to see how long you can make out with one of the statues at a wax museum before you get thrown out on your perverted ass, run with it!

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Your sex drive is going to be sagging a little this week, but not to worry. It’s not like your partner is going to take it personally or anything. No, just go right ahead and pop off to your Scrabble tournament, stay up all night to re-watch the first season of Breaking Bad, get stumbling drunk with your friends, watch home improvement shows on TV. No, don’t bother explaining yourself. Really. That would be too much like communication, wouldn’t it?

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
We’ll be the first to admit: Dating’s really hard. What other game do you know where every player has their own set of rules (which are constantly in flux and not always obeyed)? However, this week you make it all look easy. Have you considered getting your own talk show?

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Here’s your problem: Those damn expectations — of others, of yourself, of life — get you every time. You want things to be a certain way, indeed believe they should be that way, and end up utterly disappointed when they aren’t. (For example, you want the sex but don’t want to have to ask for it, so you send out signals, which in your book are about as subtle as a Klaxon horn, and then get upset when nobody takes the bait.) Here’s your solution: Try to ride the fine line between having hope and being delusional this week — be Zen about it, use the Force, try yoga.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Your sensitive, emotional nature will make you a candidate for love this week. It will also make you a candidate for president of Chess Club. But watch out for back-stabbing in both electoral races.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Where does a saucy three-way end and a messy love triangle begin? That’s for you to figure out this week.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Sometimes persistence can be annoying. But annoyingly persistent people get what they want more often than polite wallflowers.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It’s like that old Leiber & Stoller song “Is That All There Is?”: If that’s all there is my friends, then let’s keep dancing. Let’s break out the booze and have a ball, if that’s all there is. Well, that’s all there is for now, so tie one on and seriously get down this week.