Your Weekly Horoscopes: 08-05-2013

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Love is in the air and you’ll be singing in the rain, literally. (Excuse us while we puke.) This probably means things are going so well romantically that everything will be a reason to celebrate, and nothing will get you down. Or maybe it just means you like musicals a little too much.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You are likely to forget to pick up toilet paper when you run out this week — so keep a box of backup Kleenex on hand. Oh yeah, you’ll also be horny (now there’s a change), but you’re likely to forget your manners — so keep a box of back-up self-love handy.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Let’s say you’ve read Fast Food Nation and it’s changed your consumption habits for life. But let’s say someone you’re interested in is addicted to McDonald’s fries. Yes, you know the evil reason why they’re addicted to said fries because you’ve read Fast Food Nation, but this certain someone just doesn’t want to hear it. Now, even if your intentions are good, if you knock the french fries out of their hand you may only succeed in ruining a relationship and being the direct cause of even more evil french fries being bought.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Slow down, you move too fast. You got to make the morning last. Hey, who says it’s not Simon & Garfunkel Week? Sometimes their hippy dippy lyrics get to the point of life and love quickly and efficiently. Apply the above line to your romantic approach this week, and you should be feeling groovy.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
It’s not easy being the practical one, is it? There’s always someone who claims you’re raining on their parade with your boring pragmatics. How many times have you been made to feel like the grown-up who’s spoiling the kids’ fun with all your nagging about early bedtimes and the importance of broccoli? Well fret no more, because very soon, your practical nature is going to attract someone very special (and practical too). And hey, when you do meet them, do us a favor and kick back, relax a little, and enjoy yourself for once, would ya?

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Being in a relationship is kind of like driving cross-country — if you’re not with someone you really like, you’re better off traveling solo with a bunch of good mix tapes for company. Practice discrimination, patience, and rampant self-pleasure until you meet someone truly worthy of riding shotgun.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Are you there, Virgo? It’s me, Margaret. I’m here to tell you that you must, you must, you must increase your lust. Go find yourself someone to spend seven minutes in the closet with this week. It’ll make 25th grade more bearable.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
It’s true, you’re a giver. But that generosity of spirit (and spit) might be mistaken for desperation, obsession, even “easiness” — at least by jerks, anyway. Either hold back a little or stop dating jerks.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Sure, they’re hotter than Georgia asphalt and hornier than a high school teen on ecstasy and Viagra. But deep down, their life is more messed up than an episode of VH1’s “Behind the Music. ” Unless you’re prepared to join them in a downward spiral of drugs, booze, and unflattering tabloid photographs, steer clear of this particular flavor of the week.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You’ve got to hunt for your prey in its natural habitat. If you like the nerdy, quiet type, then the mosh pit is probably the wrong place to be scoping the joint. And if you’re looking for someone to walk on the wild side with, making googly eyes in the library is not going to get you far. Actually, making googly eyes in the library will probably just get you arrested, no matter what type you’re looking for. Freak.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’re going to drive potential lovers wild this week by unconsciously radiating animal magnetism. But you won’t even notice because you’ll have your head so far up the butt of work . . . Well, maybe you’ll notice, now that we’ve told you you won’t. Unless you forget about this horoscope five minutes after you read it. Which you probably will. So, yeah, you won’t even notice.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Take it easy. The more you push someone into an intimate situation the more he or she will be reluctant, slap you in the face or press charges. Didn’t you ever hear that story when you were a kid about the contest between the Wind and the Sun to see who could get the man’s jacket off, and the Wind was all cocky and macho, boasting about his power and strength like a fraternity date rapist, and the Sun was super laid back with a big smile on his face like he had just smoked a big fatty, and the Wind got all up in the man’s face trying to force it off which only made the man button up his jacket tighter while the Sun just sat back and shined and shined and quickly got the man to happily take his jacket off? If it had been an “adult” book, the Sun could have just kept shining, getting the man so hot and bothered that he had to unbutton his shirt, then pull down his pants, and then, aw yeah, slowly, oh so slowly, take off his tight, white Calvin Kleins to reveal his . . . Anyway, you get the picture.