Your Weekly Stars: 01-06-14

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You’re acting like a Garbage Pail Kid, when what your partner really needs is a Cabbage Patch Kid. Clean up your act.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
We admire your gusto, but we’re not sure your special someone feels the same way. Are you sure they’re ready for that strap-on? Maybe they were just being polite when they said that shopping for a twelve-incher sounded like a fun Saturday night. This doesn’t mean they won’t ever be ready for a little back-door action, but take it easy there cowboy, okay? Maybe start with a pinkie and work your way up from there. Of course, we’re speaking metaphorically.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’re a very generous person: You give out help like it was growing on trees, you’re a lender but not a borrower, and in the bedroom you’re quite the giver. But when it comes to commitment, fuhgeddaboutit. Put a cork in your butt and crown yourself “Miss(ter) Anal Retentive.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Just be sure you’re not faking anyone out with your generosity of spirit in every other department.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
A plus B equals C. C is good. But soon, D is going to come into the equation. Depending on your math skills, D will probably divide C, which may or may not lead to a negative solution. One thing is for sure, there is not enough room in this formula for C and D. See, you do need to use this stuff in your adult life!

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’re chasing luvvers like a kid collecting fireflies, except you’re too busy to play with them so you just leave them in a jar on your bookshelf. Don’t hog the hotties: If you can’t give them the attention they deserve, let them fly free to light up the skies for the rest of us. And yes, we’d like a Whopper with that cheese.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’re what they like to call “a challenge.” (“Commitment-phobic tease” would be another way of putting it, but we’re feeling nice this week. ) You’ve been “challenging” potential suitors for so long now, what’s the point in stopping unless you’re really, really sure? As our mothers like to intone while getting that same faraway, dreamy look in their eyes that they do when listening to old Elvis records: You’ll just know.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You can have anyone you want this week. Walk down the street, look around — anyone! Ride the subway…anyone! Browse the Personals…anyone! Anyone in the whole, wide world. Except your relatives, anyone you work with, people with incompatible sexual preferences, anyone more than five years older or younger than you, blondes, anyone who makes more than 10K more than you, people more famous than you, and anyone who you haven’t been introduced to by a friend yet. Now go get ’em, tiger.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
In the immortal words of Frankie Goes to Hollywood: Relax, don’t do it, when you want to come…Was anyone else scarred for life when they first saw that gross video with the two guys in business suits scratching each others’ eyes out? Make love, not war, man.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Lately, living with you has been kind of like wearing control-top pantyhose all day long. Ease up a little and work on those control issues, unless you want a dog as your closest companion.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Your astrological advice this week comes from the “No Duh” file: Do things you like and you’ll meet likeminded people. The stars must really need a vacation.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’ve been treating commitment like a funny-shaped hat of late: You put it on every now and then ’cause you kind of like the way it suits you, but the idea of making it a permanent part of your wardrobe seems ridiculous. You would break fewer hearts (and have to make fewer mad dashes for the nearest exit) if you stopped preening around the hotties with your “I am Mr. /Ms. Commitment” act, which is about as lame as a beret.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
A double great feeling making you realize double mint is the one for you. Double fresh. Double smooth. Double delicious to chew. A double pleasure’s waiting for you…Don’t sell yourself short in the meantime — there’s someone out there for you, and when you find them, it’ll be “double pleasure” all the way. “How much longer?” you ask. What do we look like, astrologers?