Your Weekly Stars: 12-09-13

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
We hope you’ve got your Amber Vision shades at the ready, because this week the stars want you to lunge your way into the spotlight and flaunt your stuff, baby.  (You might want to wear Spandex and stretch first.) The response will be overwhelming, the stars assure us. That’s right, ’cause nobody can resist the power of Amber Vision.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It’s an old self-help adage: Stress doesn’t happen to you, it’s something that you create. Sure, bad stuff happens, and things don’t always go the way you’d like. (For instance, the people you’d like to take out to a nice classy dinner at Chili’s don’t always want that honor — go figure.) But how you choose to react to those things is entirely up to you. You could sit home alone and sulk; you could get drunk and make one more attempt at being a Dionysian sex god on the phone at 3 a. m.; or you could channel your frustrations into creating some kind of art, or at least into having a nice dinner with your friends…who happen to bring along that new person from their office…who happens to be a hottie with nice eyes who adores Chili’s.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Come on in, the water’s fine! The next stage in your relationship may appear to be as murky and cloudy as the water down-river from a nuclear power plant, but we’ve gone ahead and done a few lab tests for you on the water — it turns out it’s just your glasses that are smudged. Take them off.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
This week you will walk around wearing that vague, glassy look common to those afflicted with puppy love (or by an addiction to prescription drugs). Some people may find this annoying. We think it’s quite charming. Don’t let anyone snap you back to reality until you’re good and ready to come back; the others are just jealous they’re not in your happy place.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
“You can’t make someone love you,” goes the common wisdom. Well, common wisdom can take its self-righteous condescension and shove it. How can people not expect you to push back when the one you love pushes you to the edge? It’s how you push that makes the difference: lather up with honey first, not vinegar.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Did you get a new haircut? A new outfit? Have you been working out? Gone vegetarian? Finally discovered the simple joys of a finger you-know-where during onanism? Whatever it is, it’s given you a glow this week that cannot be ignored. Like mosquitoes to bright neon zappers, hotties will flock to you just to get burned.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
The Green-Eyed Monster is usually just a harmless tag-along, someone you humor and hang out with on rare occasions. But be careful, because this week he might get you totally hammered at some dive bar while talking rubbish about whatever game you’ve got going. Then you’ll wake up on the sidewalk somewhere with the vague recollection of having done something really stupid to mess up your, in hindsight, pretty perfect romantic sitch. And G. E. M. won’t be around to hold back your hair while you boot.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Lucky you, Scorpio: it’s cliche week!…You can’t have something for nothing. If you aren’t willing to give you won’t receive. There’s no “I” in “team.” Think twice before you speak. A promise is a promise. Don’t poop where you eat.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Secret affairs always begin on a high note: furtive glances over the cubicle wall, steamy IMs, desperate gropings in the supply closet, “working late” again (at least, that’s what we imagine goes on in other offices). But then you realize that you’ve got no one to bring home for the holidays (to use as a buffer between you and your parents) and you start to wonder what it might be like to have sex in a bed without your underwear stuck around your knees. Before you get seduced by a clandestine tryst, remember that there won’t be any cuddling. And cuddling’s nice sometimes.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
It’s always the quiet ones. Don’t believe us? Take the quiet one to bed this week (and leave the smooth talkin’ seducer out in the cold). You’ll get it then. And you’ll know what we’re talking about, too. Badum ching.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’re going to feel sexeee all week. The more you talk about what you like, the more likely you are to receive it. Especially if you say it in your sexeee voice.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It’s a common human trait to expect life to be good and to be easy. It’s a common human reality that life is often not these things: the sex is bad, or non-existent, and it rarely shows up on your doorstep with no strings attatched. But you can help yourself by being proactive, getting off your tush and searching for what it is you want instead of waiting for it to come to you. It’s like those people who always say they’re bored — the only one responsible for their boredom is themselves. If only they’d take out a personal ad or go get a new vibrator.