photo by paparutzi

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What’s the male consensus on Valentine’s Day?”

Gay Single Guy (Daniel): I honestly don’t think there is a male “consensus” of thought on the issue of Valentine’s Day. Men can be either true romantics who love this kind of thing, who wouldn’t forget it for the world, who enjoy doing something extravagant and/or totally thoughtful, who will remind you why you are (still) so in love with him; or they are NOT romantics — who see Valentine’s Day as some kind of obligation, who go through the motions of the holiday to get some tail, who might even break up with you BEFORE the holiday and try to get back together again after it because he is just a prick like that, or perhaps worse, don’t even care anymore because passion has been drained from their relationship like a once flooded basement. Now the real question is: do you want the former, or can you live with the latter?

Straight Single Guy (Mark Luczak): The stereotype that guys dread V-Day, or forget it, or make some kind of bumbling or half-hearted attempt to fulfill its “obligations” is kind of charming to a point, but isn’t at all necessarily true. I think relationship status determines a huge part of our feelings about the holiday, and it’s actually not even all that gender specific. If you’re in the honeymoon stage of dating someone new, it can be tricky and even nerve-racking to navigate the degree to which you acknowledge or celebrate the romantic benchmark with each other. Read the rest of this entry »

photo by MigraineChick

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week a straight woman asks,“How can I tell my man I don’t want to have sex without offending him? What’s the nicest way to tell him, “Not tonight, honey?”

Straight Married Guy (David Felsen): Let’s start with some things you shouldn’t say:

Not tonight, honey, I have to wash my merkin.
Not tonight, honey, Stephen Hawking’s on Charlie Rose.
Not tonight, thumb dick!
Not tonight, honey, my 8-inch vibrator already took care of me.
Not tonight, honey, I have a date.

(There’s a poem in here somewhere!)

I think if you’re honest about your reasons for refusing him his droit de seigneur — ie., I’m too tired, not feeling sexy, raging yeaster-bunny infection, etc — then he should respect your wishes and go jack it in the shower. Of course, he’ll take the “Not tonight” news much better if you give him a quick hand-job while you’re delivering it. But if stroking his unit is not something you want to do either, then at least stroke his ego by assuring him that booty will be forthcoming ASAP.

Gay Single Guy (Jay Dyckman): The delicacy in which one tells their partner that “tonight’s not going to happen” depends largely on how long you’ve been with your suddenly horny-yet-disappointed mate.  The first time it happens is the big one.  A good excuse is imperative.  And it goes down a lot easier if cuddling or other non-sexual attention is also lavished.  Otherwise, declining sex sends the unmistakable signal that you are just not that turned on by the person.  So if that’s not the case, and you really do have a headache or some other legitimate distraction, you better go overboard communicating that.  And if you’ve been together a while?  Totally different rules apply.  At that point, feel free to kick your partner in the shin and mutter something along the lines of “touch me and I’ll cut it off.”

Straight Single Guy (Tyler Barnett): This is the biggest cause of argument among my friends in relationships. After all, you are in a relationship together and he is trying to initiate the most intimate act possible between two people. Respect that he is attempting to strengthen your relationship in a healthy way. Or maybe he’s just horny. Either way, being turned down by someone you love hurts — not physically, but emotionally. As tough as we men are, we have feelings, and this is a very sensitive topic. Simply saying something like “Not tonight honey” seems a bit controlling and one sided. It’s essentially saying, I don’t care that you are feeling aroused, it’s all about me. One of my best girlfriends told me when she doesn’t feel like having sex and her boyfriend does, she just goes down on him; I of course told her she’s the perfect girlfriend. If you really just don’t feel like it (admittedly, not something I can comprehend), then try starting off with a compliment such as “I love having sex with you more than anything but…(insert reason here).”  A guy who isn’t completely self-absorbed should understand the reason, whatever that might be, and seek an alternative solution.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is NY writer-comedian David Felsen, our Gay Guy is Jay Dyckman, an LA copywriter, and our Single Straight Guy is Tyler Barnett of Tyler Barnett PR in LA. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

photo by westerndave

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Short hair vs. long hair? We’ve heard porno stars give advice to women like “never cut your hair short”, but then, they’re porn stars. What’s the real deal?

Straight Single Guy (Mark Luczak): I truly run the gamut on this one. I dated a girl who was a competitive dancer since childhood and was always required to have her hair long uniformly with everyone else — she now keeps it super-short and she’s adorable, cute as a button. I even had a long relationship with a girl who lost her battle with cancer — she was as beautiful to me when the radiation and chemo took her hair as she was when she still had her signature long, curly locks. But I gotta say I do dig the long hair for the most part. All done up to go with a formal ensemble, or held up with a pencil and ready to fall at a moment’s notice, or just simply pulled back with a hair tie for comfort and convenience? Yes please! I’m a runner, so if I see a girl on the street with a pony tail bounding behind her, that sexy/sporty look really resonates with me. Put that pony tail through the back of a cap and couple it with a sports jersey, and it’s a home run. So, while beauty can come in all cuts and styles, keeping it long gets my vote…by a [groan] hair.

Gay Single Guy (Daniel): I honestly think the question of hair length is secondary to general hair aesthetic – meaning, it’s more important that one’s hair has an appealing cut, shine, and feel. Think about all those makeover shows when Jane McDull-looks is unveiled at the end to her husband/boyfriend/oddly close brother and they marvel at the usually chopped off hair. See, these “before” women stopped caring about split-end maintenance, hot oil treatments, and, well, brushing. What should men think about a woman who doesn’t even bother to take care of her own hair? But if you’re already split-end free with a killer $150 cut and you just wonder what turns your mate on more — short or long hair — the only thing to do is ask him, “Honey, do you like my hair longer or shorter?” Read the rest of this entry »

photo by Paul J Everett

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week a straight woman asks, “Is there such a thing as ugly breasts, how do you describe them, and are they a dealbreaker for a guy?“

Straight Married Guy (Ben): I’m beginning to think that breasts are to women as dick size is to men: something women obsess over and endlessly worry about but, really, to guys? Not that big a deal. Boobs are boobs and they are, mostly, all wonderful. But just like some dicks actually are outliers – way too small or way too big – some boobs are not wonderful. Though, now that I think about it, I’ve never encountered any of them in real life. Sure, I’ve seen pictures of really blown out boob jobs or super saggy, wrinkled out breasts. But the jobbed up or post-baby breasts I’ve actually seen and touched? Pretty darn hot. In fact, now that I think about it more, I’m starting to question whether these unsubstantiated rumors of ugly boobs are anything more than some grand conspiracy theory – a few well-placed pictures on a fake website over here, an over-heard conversation in a bar over there … Is there such a thing as ugly breasts? To be honest, I don’t actually know.

Gay Single Guy (Jay Dyckman): Yes, Virginia, there are ugly breasts.  We are human, after all.  We can have ugly everything!  We’ve all seen feet that looked like roadkill, noses that belonged on the Muppet Show and bellies that should be served at picnics with raisins floating in them.  Or, rather, they looked that way to us.  When it comes to sex and attractive body features,  “ugly” is the most relative term in the world.  So maybe you’re nipples do look like something Denny’s would pour maple syrup on and serve as their Grand Slam.  Someone out there loves that!  Or one boob isn’t quite on the same page as the other one.  To some guy that’s like having two sets of boobs for the price of one.  The point is that what one person finds ugly another will fondle and nuzzle for days.  Dealbreakers are highly personal.  Just because one person wants to break the deal, that doesn’t mean someone else isn’t waiting in the wings to scoop up those assets and conduct one hell of a hot, sweaty merger.

Read the rest of this entry »

photo by Ollie_Crafoord

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Do men snoop on their partners? (E.g. reading their texts or emails when they’re in the shower, listening in on phone calls, etc.)“

Straight Single Guy (Colin Adamo): Unless it’s an emergency situation, we just don’t want to know. For most men, ignorance is bliss. We’ve got so many more interesting things to do with our time (with inventions like XBox, internet porn, and fantasy football) that digging through your dirt to discover something juicy would just be a distraction. If we have serious suspicions we might snoop as a last resort — so if you catch your man red-handed you know something is up and it’s time to have a conversation.

Gay Committed Guy (Terence): To paraphrase the wise sage Whitney Houston: “If six of y’all went out, then four of you were really cheap — ’cause I found your credit card receipt.” Hey, I do the laundry around here, so it’s a completely plausible scenario in my home. I don’t want any gum left in his pockets accidentally mucking up the washing machine, ya know? But it wasn’t until nine years into our relationship that I snooped through his cellphone, and I only did it because of some relationship insecurities. After discovering a whole lotta stuff I didn’t want or need to know, I then got to feel more insecure. So I’m sure men snoop, but does it help? Nope. Does it make a situation worse, crank up the distrust, and create an environment of deception? You betcha. My advice, let karma run its course. It’ll all wash out in the end.

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photo by calistan

Advice from three of our guy friends on the day we’re declaring “Spank Tuesday” (tune in later this afternoon for more spanking-good-time posts). This week they answer the following: “Why do guys like to spank their partners in bed?“

Straight Married Guy (James Glazebrook): I really took one for the team here. In the interest of sexual science and sound advice, I carried out some field research with the missus. My findings: I can’t write left-handed; a back makes a good clipboard-rest; and spanking… is…… awesome! No doubt it’s wrong on some level, linked to man’s sublimated urge to dominate women — to punish them, to control them, to baby them (with all the creepiness that insinuates). But hey, it’s fun, it’s harmless (at least when you have my upper body strength), and it works both ways. Any guy that won’t let you spank them — they’re the ones you have to watch out for.

Gay Married Guy (Jon Ross): While I’ve certainly engaged in the act a few times, performing as both the spanker and the spankee, I can’t really say that spanking really gets me going. However, I am a man and have a few theories about why some like it. It’s pretty simple: power. Without getting too psychoanalytical here, spanking puts the power in our hands, literally. And while most men wouldn’t dream of harming a woman, spanking lets us get out some of that bottled up aggression in a safe, hopefully sexy way! So ladies, if you like it, let ‘er rip! We all you know you hold all the power in the relationship anyway.

Read the rest of this entry »

photo by makelessnoise

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “My boyfriend claims it means nothing when he looks at other women, and yet he gets jealous when I look at other men. Why is that?“

Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): It’s a combination of insecurity and a double standard. When your boyfriend looks at a woman who isn’t you, chances are he’s really just appreciating her, like you might appreciate a strawberry-rhubarb pie on the table — even though you’re really enjoying the piece of red velvet cake you’re already eating. But when you look at someone who isn’t your boyfriend, he can’t see that you’re probably just appreciating too, because he’s terrified that you might decide the other guy is better — that you might realize the strawberry-rhubarb pie is smarter than the red velvet cake, or makes more money, or has a bigger penis — and dump him, half-eaten, in the trash, so you can ride off into the sunset with the pie.

Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): Funny you should mention that. I’ve got a woman friend who flirts shamelessly but almost blacks out with jealousy when her partner so much as asks another woman to pass the salt. Her answer for the double standard is a lot like men’s:  She knows she’s not looking to change relationships, so it’s okay for her, but not having the same insider information about what her partner’s thinking, she sees it as a total threat. Something similar is probably going though your partner’s head.

But that’s just the general case — there’s a more specific case related to what we “know” about men and women in relationships. We “know” that women are all “naturally” monogamous and men are just as “naturally” promiscuous, right? And so all your boyfriend’s cultural messages are that it’s really harmless for him to eye other women. He’d at most want a one-night stand, but we all “know” he wouldn’t want an emotional attachment. Meanwhile, though, all the cultural messages about you as a woman say that if you’re looking, it’s because you’d rather be with them. Forever! So he “knows” you’d really “only” want an emotional attachment and not a one-night stand. Read the rest of this entry »

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the question, “If your partner gave you a serious striptease with a serious striptease face and cheesy music, would it really be the best present ever or would it be kinda weird and uncomfortable?”:

Straight Single Guy (Max):
A serious striptease requires two things. First, there cannot be cheesy music. Barry White makes me laugh. He does not turn me on. Traditional “sexy” music like that isn’t very serious. Using it would probably just be weird and uncomfortable. Give me my favorite music, or perhaps our favorite music. Second, just like a strip bar, I cannot be allowed to touch. This means that I must be tied down, pinned down or somehow unable to simply grab her once she begins to undress. (Unlike a strip bar however, bouncers are a bad idea). The whole appeal of stripping is the tease, and we men have very little self control. You know this: Once one piece of clothing comes off, we’re prone to rip the rest of it off as well. A striptease where the timetable is entirely decided upon by the girl stripping… Yeah. That could actually be the best thing ever.

Gay Committed Guy (Terence):
I gotta go with an emphatic no on the partner striptease. I feel terrible about it. I should be thrilled by the idea, right? Then I think, what if my neighbor did one for me? Oh yeah, that’d be hot. So my rudimentary scientific method tells me that stripteases get me going when I don’t know the person all that well. Then again, when I think of my boss and a couple co-workers whom I don’t know all too well, I come up with a  revised theory: stripteases get my juices flowing when I don’t the person all that well, but want to get to know them in bed. That’s it. With my partner I’d be, like, oh please. But now here’s a little twist. If my partner were to seriously strip my clothes off me with or without a serious face and cheesy music, I’d probably cream my pants before my socks got pulled off.

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photo by ab9kt

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “When is it okay for a woman to fart in front of her partner?“

Straight Single Guy (Colin Adamo): Your five-year wedding anniversary. Some rather liberal couples will try to tell you they really don’t care about their partner’s farts (don’t believe them, they are crazy — stop inviting them to your dinner parties). I know you want to share everything with your loved one, but some boundaries exist for everyone’s benefit. This could be the secret barometer for a good relationship. The longer you can go without ever farting in front of your partner, the better your relationship will be. Your five-year is a fine capitulation-point because the two of you have probably hit your stride by now. But be careful, once this door opens, it can never be closed again.

Gay Committed Guy (Terence): When I was little I was told that holding in farts causes cancer, or loose bowels, when you’re old. So for the sake of your happy retirement, do both of you a favor and let ‘em rip.

Read the rest of this entry »

photo by mysza

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week a straight woman asks, “What’s a good holiday present for 1) a guy you’ve just started dating (sleeping with), 2) a guy you’ve been exclusive with for a year or so, 3) a husband?”

Straight Married Guy (Ben): I favor “experience” presents over things you buy at the store. The basic rules are a) something fun, sexy or sweet that b) you wouldn’t normally do that c) shows how cool and/or loving you are, and — this part is very important — that d) you take care of ALL the details. Where you are in the relationship changes the level of difficulty (or intensity) of the task.
1) Maybe tickets to see a show or a game (fun), or to see hipster burlesque (sexy), or how about side-by-side massages at the spa (sweet).
2) Maybe skydiving or scuba lessons, a weekend as his sex slave, or a getaway to a lit or music festival.
3) This is marriage now, so make it count: i) a scuba trip (passport required) or ii) fulfill a sexual fantasy, his choice, no questions asked, or iii) plan a weekend away — including a sitter.
OR
On the other hand, you could just buy him a nice single malt scotch: 1) a ten year, 2) a 15 year, 3) a 25 year.

Gay Single Guy (Daniel):
1) For the guy you’ve just started dating/schtupping, I suggest getting him something that show that you’ve been paying attention to him and his interests. For example, maybe you’ve noticed that he is into Japanese anime. I would do a little research online for a highly regarded anime film that is rare or difficult to purchase Stateside, and purchase it on eBay or wherever you can. What that says to him is that you are aware of the little things that bring him joy and you’ll see his face light up in surprise and amazement. He’ll be impressed.
2) For the guy you’ve been exclusive with for a year, I think you should make one of his sexual fantasies come true. I am totally serious because the timing is just right to demonstrate that you’re both interested in long-term fulfillment, which includes sexual. After a year together, maybe the sex is getting predictable anyway, so maybe it will be a holiday present for you too!
3) As for the husband, give him something that will let him spend some quality time away from you and/or the family – like a fishing rod (so he can go fishing) or a weekend mountain biking trip. Often times when you are married, you find that you’ve lost touch with yourself and the things you once loved to do because of time or other responsibilities. People need their own time to reboot, be away, have a break from their every day lives. And that is an amazing gift to someone you’ve already pledged to spend the rest of your life with.

Straight Single Guy (Max):
1) Don’t get him anything. It’s the best way to keep it fun and light. Sure, you can and should go have a baller dinner and some crazy sex but please, spare us. Holiday gifts at the beginning of a relationship are a lot more alarming than touching. Also, you can bet on the fact that he won’t get anything for you, and do you really want that awkward situation?… Wait, don’t answer that. I think you might.
2) After a year, it’s your call. My one suggestion would be to do something that you normally wouldn’t, like taking him to see his favorite sports team or buying the whole James Bond series and then watching it with him. (Remove clothes and add beer for effect.) Simply put, remind him that you rule.
3) Wow. I have to imagine that I’m married? I don’t know what I’d want as a husband… Maybe a classic car or a divorce. Anything else would be for the both of you.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles who runs AdultParlorGames.com; our Single Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New England. To ask the guys your own question, click here.