Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “How do you feel about being given directions while you’re going downtown? Do you appreciate instructions on what works for that particular woman, or do you feel like it’s backseat driving, or that you’re just a tool or a servant? Is there a way for her to make communicating her needs more palatable?“
Straight Single Guy* (Mark Luczak): Personally, most times I’m thrilled enough to be downtown (I’ll be that kind of servant any day of the week!) that making anything more palatable, literally or figuratively, is low on the list of things on the brain at that moment. But the importance of communication here is representative of the importance of communication in general — trite, as always, but true. A girl that knows her own body well enough to know and share what works for her is a huge turn-on in itself for me. Now, I’ve been told I’m pretty confident and competent down there, which is both flattering and encouraging, to feel like I actually might know what I’m doing on my own. But a little direction — spoken, moaned, nudged by body movement, whatever — that might allow me to take something that’s already working and send it over the edge? That’s hardly backseat driving, that’s the whole point — give me those keys and let’s get in the fast lane!
Gay Single Guy (Daniel): This is a great question because how a guy responds to getting direction will also tell you if he will ever be a great sexual partner. No person can totally sexually satisfy another without guidance or training. Period. PERIOD. Great lovers already know this and are open to learning what really turns his partner on. But for those guys who may be a bit more stubborn, I recommend training him with the fewest words possible while you are having sex. This is accomplished in two steps: physically guiding and affirming its effect on your body.
For example, say you like you like nipple stimulation while getting oral sex. You should take one of your man’s hands, bring it to your nipple and use it to help you get the stimulation you desire, i.e. pinching, pulling, flicking, etc. (that’s step one — physical guidance). Then you need to moan, or writhe and undulate, or say, “Yeah, more!” (or all three things) so he gets that what he is doing (with your help) is really turning you on (and that’s step two — affirming its effect). Don’t be afraid to play up its effect on you a bit, because the point is to communicate to him that tongue down there + hand over here (doing this, that, and the other) = PLEASURE. Hopefully he will be smart enough to put that combination in his memory and repeat it, or build on it for the next time. After the sex, it wouldn’t hurt if you say something like “I loved it when you did such and such” as he will feel like he was a better lover (stroking his ego a little) and it will re-iterate that what he was doing made the sex all the more satisfying.
Straight Married Guy (Fred): Like the cliche of a man driving, guys would rather not get directions in the bedroom either. Directions on sex suggest that you’re not doing it right and thus you’re bad in bed. This is the emotional side. On the rational side, guys want to please, so anything that helps achieve that end is welcome. A bit of a conundrum, eh? The solution is to give him directions without letting him know you’re giving directions, Grasshopper. Be silent when he’s off the mark and moan and groan in ecstasy when he’s doing it right. Use words only for the good stuff. If he’s just not getting it, pretend you’re just super into it and grab his head like you can’t get enough. Then you can manually place him where you want. If you feel the need to talk about it, wait until afterward. Then make sure to soften his ego with a bunch of compliments on his technique first.
*Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, who was single back when he wrote this response but is now happily married, yay! Our straight married guy is shy. To ask the guys your own question, click here.