Dear Em & Lo: Should I Tell My BF I’ve Been Faking?

katzs_deliphoto of Katz’s Deli, where Meg Ryan famously faked an orgasm, by Aaron_M

Dear Em & Lo,

I am a college student, and have been with this guy for six months. The sex is absolutely amazing, we do it about four times a day average, but he has never made me orgasm through intercourse. My best conclusion is that I can only climax through clitoral stimulation. I have been faking my orgasms with him ever since the beginning and I get thoroughly frustrated with him at times but never mention anything. I just let it build up inside of me and sometimes put the tension into a stupid matter that turns into a fight.

I don’t know what to do! I wish I could just climax during sex. I feel like I can’t just come out and tell him that he never makes me orgasm, because I often tell him that my orgasms are earth shattering. I don’t want him to know that I have been lying. This guy means a lot to me. I have a feeling that we’ll be together for a very long time so I just want to fix this problem.

I often masturbate without him so it’s not like I’m completely orgasm deprived or my body’s incapable, but I want to be honest when I tell him that he made the earth move like no other. Is there anything I can do to make myself orgasm during intercourse?

Liar Liar Pants (Not Really) on Fire

Dear L.L.P.N.R.O.F.,

Here are your options:

  1. Tell him you’ve been faking. Explain that you only lied because you were scared and insecure and you’re telling the truth now because he means so much to you and you feel he deserves the truth. Apologize profusely. Make him feel really special, like he’s the only guy who’s ever earned your trust enough to be told the truth, like he’s the only one you’ve ever met who’s man enough to handle the truth. (Do not tell him that other guys have been able to make you climax during intercourse, even if that’s the truth.) Explain to him that the majority of women (like 70%!) don’t climax from intercourse alone — it’s just the way our bodies are built. Then show him exactly how you do climax. And make sure he knows you’d love nothing more than to figure out various ways to get you off together, whether during intercourse or not.
  2. Keep on faking and living a lie. As the years go on, the fights and the sex will both get worse until just the way he holds his fork will annoy the shit out of you and you’ll end up taking it out on him by sleeping with his roommate and then later when you get really mad at him you’ll scream, “I hate you! I’ve always faked with you! But you know who I don’t fake with? Your best friend!”
  3. Dump him and find a new man to start over with, this time being honest from the start.

Okay, okay, so maybe there is a fourth option, a way to ease your way into the truth instead. For the record, we don’t recommend this: when it comes to fessing up about faking, we think option #1 — the band-aid approach — works best. But if you’re feeling really wussy, we guess the following approach is better than faking for the rest of your life (#2) or dumping a guy you really like (#3):

First, you can work at increasing clitoral stimulation during intercourse — and there are plenty of ways to do it. Encourage him to use his hand on you, or use your hand on yourself. Or bring a little vibrator into the bedroom, or get him to wear one of those vibrating love rings or finger vibes. Or try out positions that are high on full-body contact, like the famous coital alignment technique. Gush effusively about how amazing the sex is when you do these things together for a little Pavlovian conditioning.

Second, encourage him to spend time using his hands on you or going down on you before intercourse — no reason why you can’t have your orgasm before the intercourse starts. And for the record, climaxing during oral sex is climaxing during sex. Same with getting off on handwork. They’re just different varieties of sex, and there’s no shame in favoring one over another. Also, you may well find that intercourse feels even better — perhaps even orgasmic — after you’ve climaxed once. For more tips on how to make sex better for you, check out the advice we gave a few months back to a woman who couldn’t orgasm with her boyfriend.

Assuming that at least some of these tips work, eventually you’ll get to a point where some of the stuff you do together makes you climax — and some of the stuff doesn’t. Eventually you might actually be able to tell him, in all honesty, that he made “the earth move like no other.” And if the gods are smiling on you, you might even be able to phase out the faking without your boyfriend catching on.

But assuming your boyfriend is actually paying attention to you in bed — and if he’s not, then that’s your problem right there! — we’re guessing you’re still going to have to fess up. At this point, however, the truth won’t hurt so much — because it’s not like you’re telling him that you’re a big fat faker and nothing he does has ever made you climax. No, you’ll be telling him that you’re a medium-sized faker and some of the stuff he does works better than other stuff. Gentler on a guy’s ego, we have to assume.

That all said, however, we still think that just sitting down with your boyfriend — outside the bedroom — and telling him the truth is the way to go, not only because honesty is the best policy, but because guys need to learn that intercourse isn’t the be-all-end-all for a lot of women. We’ve talked to numerous women who’ve had this conversation with their guys, and the most common reaction is that the guy takes it as a challenge: He wants to jump into bed right then and there and not come up for air until the faker in question has climaxed for reals. Hey, maybe your boyfriend is that kind of guy. And if he’s not? Well, he wasn’t really a keeper after all, was he? The truth hurts, but a life of faking hurts way more.

The annoying little voice in your head,
Em & Lo

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  1. it’s not fair to lie to him and make him think he’s doing the job when he’s not. there’s nothing wrong with giving your man a “helping hand” (or finger, or vibe, or whatever feels good, for that matter). if he’s a good guy, then he’ll want to do just about whatever it takes to get you off. besides, most guys think it’s hot when you play with yourself during sex!

  2. There’s hope for you! I’ve been in the same situation for years, with various guys. I only had clitorial orgasms, but could never be so cruel to tell my boyfriends about it, so I kept on lying. And in the meantime, I started experiencing by myself, on how I could have orgasm by penetration. And it worked. It literally took months of labour…but no unpleasant labour actually:)…and I’ve found my G-spot, too, which I thought was some urban legend:).

    So my advice: don’t stop lying, starttrying:)

  3. Never have a fight with him, when you know that you are the cause of it. You need to tell him how to give you an orgasm, don’t think he can read your mind. The best orgasms I have are from telling my fiance how to give them to me. He is amazing at it, and all it took was me speaking up.

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