Your Call: BF Loves Me But Misses Thrill of the Chase

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We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:

Dear Em & Lo,

I have been dating my boyfriend for 9 months now. We live together and in almost every area of our relationship things are seemingly perfect. Except, unfortunately our sex life. My boyfriend has no sex drive, which has changed from when we first met. When we first met we were having sex a few times a day and it was passionate and exciting. My boyfriend told me that he has always had a problem in which he can’t come inside of a girl, he also takes at least 40 minutes to come, and he used to have to watch porn as a supplement to sex… until I told him it bothered me and we stopped doing that.

Not that porn horrifies me, I watch it myself and I understand the excitement from it. But, for me having porn as a must during sex is a huge turn-off, especially when the porn he likes are cum-shots (gross) or anal (not-so-bad). For me, though, these shots are just a turn-off and make me feel insecure and just not in the moment with him.

Anywho, we have sex toys, lots of lube, and I even invested in a Kama Sutra book so we could pick out new fun positions together. But even when we have our weekly sex-capade I feel like he’s only doing it because he knows how bad I want it, and it just feels like he’s going through the motions. I try to make noise to show him how I enjoy it, I ask him how he’s feeling, what he likes, I even try to take pointers from the porn cum-shots he likes so much. But I just come out feeling strangely unfulfilled.

I asked him recently if he wants to have sex with other people, maybe he is just bored of me. He says he misses the chase of a new woman, but he loves me and wants to be with me. I told him I want to be certain that he’s absolutely happy with me… he said he was. But I just feel so wary and insecure. I don’t want him to be with me and yet be unsatisfied with me. I also don’t want to feel like I’m pressuring or guitling him into having sex with me!

I get so depressed sometimes thinking about this, I’ll stand in front of the mirror and wish for big tits like a porn star, etc. Moreover, I am sexually unsatisfied because I have a high sex drive! I masturbate to fill in the gaps of my own yearning that he can’t fulfill, but I still feel so sad. I want to be having sex with my man, not my vibrator and some porn. What can I do to make him want sex again? Am I just seeing warning signs to the end?

— Can’t Usually Get What I Want

What should C.U.G.W.I.W. do?

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11 Comments on "Your Call: BF Loves Me But Misses Thrill of the Chase"

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Oh my god… re-read what you wrote thats shocking! You need to get out, and when you find someone else who truly respects you… your going to be thankfull you did. He sounds like he needs help to be honest thats not normal behaviour. I honestly would just leave, hes not going to change 🙁 x

Thank you for all the responses. I am still confused and frustrated. I have confronted him again recently, after one day in which we were having sex, it was so mechanical and he was not there at all. He suddenly stops, because there’s some discharge from me on his penis. I go take a shower to clean up a bit, while he mechanically walks to the computer to watch porn. The porn was already up and waiting for him, because before we had sex that day, he as watching porn all throughout the day. By this point I am so… Read more »

I think this bit of information won’t solve the problem, but I read that men become accustomed to the higher level of stimulation they achieve when they masturbate, so find it hard to orgasm from penis in vagina stimulation which is not as tight/stimulating. It’s apparently a matter of getting used to the difference. Hope things work out well for you….

That sounds awful! I am sorry to say it, but I just don’t think you are compatible. Actually, I don’t think he is compatible with anyone. It’s very nice that you are trying to please him, getting out the weird moves and the porn and all, but honestly, that’s not something you should have to do to get someone excited after just 9 months. That’s what married couples who are bored after a couple decades have to do to get excited. If he needs that to get excited at this point, well, then it’s just not going to work. Honestly,… Read more »
I personally feel that in a relationship, both parties have got to consider their issues and realise how they affect themselves and thus how they affect their partner. There are a number of issues here to do with you both individually and together. I would suggest that you be completely honest with him. If you find it hard, look for some advice in the area of conflict resolution or relationship communication. I think honesty about how you feel and just how much it’s bothering you is really important here. Just coz you talked about it before doesn’t mean you can’t… Read more »

Honey, break up with him. This reminds me of my ex-boyfriend quite a bit. The bottom line is: you are unhappy. Whether it’s wanting something he can’t give, or not enough chemistry, something isn’t fitting. And if it’s causing you to look in the mirror and feel that way about yourself, it’s bad for you. Nothing is worth that. Move on, work on finding a man that makes you COMPLETELY happy, and fulfills ALL of your needs – at the very least the most important ones, including sex.

Dave W
I wouldn’t make any decisions until he has his testosterone level checked. Something about this question makes me think there could be a medical explanation. I guess it’s the fact that he always needs something to crank things up in order for the sex to work. But there are certain other details that sound familiar to me as someone with lifelong depression(dysthymia). The sex could be sabotaged if things aren’t “just right” or cranked up in some other way. It might be a situation where his brain dredges up any relationship issues they’re having and throws them at him in… Read more »