We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:
Dear Em and Lo,
I am having trouble dealing with my boyf’s bisexuality. We’ve been together for a year and a half but don’t live together yet. He told me early on that he had slept with a handful of men on random hook-up type encounters (although he pretended he met them at the gym which I didn’t really believe!) but didn’t really see himself as fully bi, he says he only has emotional feelings for women. He, like me, has a really high sex drive and I saw it as all part of his extremely horny nature!
I am also a completely open-minded kind of gal, and didn’t really think on this too deeply, UNTIL (you knew it was coming) I noticed recently he seems to look at mainly gay porn. Then I had a look at one of his favoured sites (it was a bit sneaky but he didn’t clear his internet history so, umm, yeah, couldn’t help myself) and realized he’d been logging on to a gay hook-up type site, and had a profile up with pictures of his cock out (horror!) listing the various things he’d like to have done to him, many of which he’d never mentioned to ME or included in our frank conversations about his man-sex.
I don’t believe he’s been cheating — we’ve had many an honest conversation about how this would be a dealbreaker for both of us, and he has reassured me whenever I’ve asked if he missed men, that he didn’t really, sometimes he fantasized about them, but he hates unfaithfulness, and just because he was bi, didn’t mean he’d be more likely to cheat.
As our relationship is so strong and open-minded in nature, I’m having trouble processing the fact that he’s still left his profile up and seems to be engaging in chatroom-type stuff with other men. I’m sure he’s probably just on there for the porn, which I’m totally cool with, but the chatting, not so much. I’m also kind of offended he hasn’t confided all of his deepest darkest sex-desires to me! And worry maybe I can’t fulfill them either!
I know the answer is probably to talk to him, but we had an issue before where I read his diary and he went ballistic and it took a while to get over. As I sort of snooped I feel in the wrong, but at the same time it is eating me up. I have the usual worries: that he is “gayer” than he says or maybe even knows (is that patronizing?) and won’t be able to sustain a long relationship with me – plus I feel deceived. We love each other a lot and have made it clear this is a long term thing but I hate my feelings of insecurity. He’s the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. Am I being naive? Or am I not open-minded enough to realise men think about these things differently?
— Love from Snoopy
What should Snoopy do?