Your Call: I Can’t Handle My Boyfriend’s Bisexuality

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:

Dear Em and Lo,

I am having trouble dealing with my boyf’s bisexuality. We’ve been together for a year and a half but don’t live together yet. He told me early on that he had slept with a handful of men on random hook-up type encounters (although he pretended he met them at the gym which I didn’t really believe!) but didn’t really see himself as fully bi, he says he only has emotional feelings for women. He, like me, has a really high sex drive and I saw it as all part of his extremely horny nature!

I am also a completely open-minded kind of gal, and didn’t really think on this too deeply, UNTIL (you knew it was coming) I noticed recently he seems to look at mainly gay porn. Then I had a look at one of his favoured sites (it was a bit sneaky but he didn’t clear his internet history so, umm, yeah, couldn’t help myself) and realized he’d been logging on to a gay hook-up type site, and had a profile up with pictures of his cock out (horror!) listing the various things he’d like to have done to him, many of which he’d never mentioned to ME or included in our frank conversations about his man-sex.

I don’t believe he’s been cheating — we’ve had many an honest conversation about how this would be a dealbreaker for both of us, and he has reassured me whenever I’ve asked if he missed men, that he didn’t really, sometimes he fantasized about them, but he hates unfaithfulness, and just because he was bi, didn’t mean he’d be more likely to cheat.

As our relationship is so strong and open-minded in nature, I’m having trouble processing the fact that he’s still left his profile up and seems to be engaging in chatroom-type stuff with other men. I’m sure he’s probably just on there for the porn, which I’m totally cool with, but the chatting, not so much. I’m also kind of offended he hasn’t confided all of his deepest darkest sex-desires to me! And worry maybe I can’t fulfill them either!

I know the answer is probably to talk to him, but we had an issue before where I read his diary and he went ballistic and it took a while to get over. As I sort of snooped I feel in the wrong, but at the same time it is eating me up. I have the usual worries: that he is “gayer” than he says or maybe even knows (is that patronizing?) and won’t be able to sustain a long relationship with me – plus I feel deceived. We love each other a lot and have made it clear this is a long term thing but I hate my feelings of insecurity. He’s the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. Am I being naive? Or am I not open-minded enough to realise men think about these things differently?

— Love from Snoopy

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43 Comments on "Your Call: I Can’t Handle My Boyfriend’s Bisexuality"

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Similar issue Instead… mine has been to the pen for more than 4 yrs…now he’s back in… and today he said something very strange to me…he said guys make me horny everyday…i said what?? He said you make me horny everyday..i said , you didn’t just say that, he’s like so you think I said some weird shit…i said if you know what I’m thinking then why u asking

Im having the same problem but mine is a bit different. My boyfriend and I are 15 years apart. I lkke older men so the age gap isnt really a problem. I am and have been is only relationship with a man. Before that he had several girlfriends. He adentified as bi when we met. But quickly retradted and started to tell me he had only been with wemon because it was hard to be open back in his day. I accepted it but was still unsettled with his rrretraction. Recently i found out hes still watching straight porn. I… Read more »
Snoopy – Sure, looking at his browser history is snooping, but just barely. My thoughts on your concerns, FWIW: 1. He’s been chatting on a hook up site. This could be harmless fantasy, or it could be that he’s pursuing an actual hook up. You trust him to be honest with you. I think you need to come clean about looking at his browser history, and ask him what he’s up to. 2. He hasn’t confided his deepest, darkest sexual fantasies to you. I doubt that very many people really truly do this 100%. Although we’ve come a long way… Read more »
Unlike a lot of people on this thread I have not had any real traumatic experiences with my relationship. My boyfriend and I had been together for 7/8 months when i found out about is bisexuality. We live together and have done so for the entirety of our relationship. I was using his laptop to study (he spilt his tea on mine) during my procrastination period I was reading articles on the black friday shopping disasters, lost my page, went to history typed black, and was swamped with a myriad of ghetto booty black porn. Shocked i was curious if… Read more »

Thank you so much for your input, I’m going through the exact same thing and I have nobody to talk to about it which makes me really depressed and feel hopeless I also love my boyfriend who I think is bi sexual but is trying so hard not to be. This helped me alot!

Confused and Concerned
Confused and Concerned
“he is the manly, football, rugby, hockey playing athlete he has always been. he is in no way my gay best friend, and our rough play, lustful relationship and high sex drive is a constant reminder of that. If he leaves me when I’m older then it makes no difference if its for a man or a woman, either way ill end up hurt and alone, and bisexuality has nothing to do with that.” You have really helped me immensely…. My boyfriend came out to me last night. Shock was the first emotion. Then when upon finding out he had… Read more »
by sticking to my own type, I can smell these types and fakes and flamers off the bat and even straight women who get pissed because many are open to it but I am not what they think and I do it because when I am with a bisexual woman on my level, I will check out a man, I am monogamous and love who I love but since she flirts with women sporadically and we are kind of militant so we are upfront about not being gay or straight because we are different and the gay community is a… Read more »
I am a bisexual man, one of the unicorns. First, he is a jerk for cheating on you and don’t let him guilt you into letting him okay that. Those types are dangerous and they are also not to be trusted. I will also say, it seems like he leans more predominantly that way or he’s a closet homo. I know I fall in love and fall in love for the duration. If he is a closet gay man and comes out later on, understand he was never bi and please just judge the guy as a prick. Don’t let… Read more »
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. Our relationship has been quite rocky from the start and he treated me really badly in the beginning. Our relationship initially started as a long distance one and I had to move countries and give up my studies to be with him. Before moving I asked him about his past and very specifically asked him all the things that I considered a deal breaker – being gay was one of them, so I asked him if he had ever been into guys and he told me he was absolutely… Read more »