Your Call: I Can’t Handle My Boyfriend’s Bisexuality

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:

Dear Em and Lo,

I am having trouble dealing with my boyf’s bisexuality. We’ve been together for a year and a half but don’t live together yet. He told me early on that he had slept with a handful of men on random hook-up type encounters (although he pretended he met them at the gym which I didn’t really believe!) but didn’t really see himself as fully bi, he says he only has emotional feelings for women. He, like me, has a really high sex drive and I saw it as all part of his extremely horny nature!

I am also a completely open-minded kind of gal, and didn’t really think on this too deeply, UNTIL (you knew it was coming) I noticed recently he seems to look at mainly gay porn. Then I had a look at one of his favoured sites (it was a bit sneaky but he didn’t clear his internet history so, umm, yeah, couldn’t help myself) and realized he’d been logging on to a gay hook-up type site, and had a profile up with pictures of his cock out (horror!) listing the various things he’d like to have done to him, many of which he’d never mentioned to ME or included in our frank conversations about his man-sex.

I don’t believe he’s been cheating — we’ve had many an honest conversation about how this would be a dealbreaker for both of us, and he has reassured me whenever I’ve asked if he missed men, that he didn’t really, sometimes he fantasized about them, but he hates unfaithfulness, and just because he was bi, didn’t mean he’d be more likely to cheat.

As our relationship is so strong and open-minded in nature, I’m having trouble processing the fact that he’s still left his profile up and seems to be engaging in chatroom-type stuff with other men. I’m sure he’s probably just on there for the porn, which I’m totally cool with, but the chatting, not so much. I’m also kind of offended he hasn’t confided all of his deepest darkest sex-desires to me! And worry maybe I can’t fulfill them either!

I know the answer is probably to talk to him, but we had an issue before where I read his diary and he went ballistic and it took a while to get over. As I sort of snooped I feel in the wrong, but at the same time it is eating me up. I have the usual worries: that he is “gayer” than he says or maybe even knows (is that patronizing?) and won’t be able to sustain a long relationship with me – plus I feel deceived. We love each other a lot and have made it clear this is a long term thing but I hate my feelings of insecurity. He’s the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. Am I being naive? Or am I not open-minded enough to realise men think about these things differently?

— Love from Snoopy

What should Snoopy do?


  1. Similar issue Instead… mine has been to the pen for more than 4 yrs…now he’s back in… and today he said something very strange to me…he said guys make me horny everyday…i said what?? He said you make me horny everyday..i said , you didn’t just say that, he’s like so you think I said some weird shit…i said if you know what I’m thinking then why u asking

  2. Im having the same problem but mine is a bit different. My boyfriend and I are 15 years apart. I lkke older men so the age gap isnt really a problem. I am and have been is only relationship with a man. Before that he had several girlfriends. He adentified as bi when we met. But quickly retradted and started to tell me he had only been with wemon because it was hard to be open back in his day. I accepted it but was still unsettled with his rrretraction. Recently i found out hes still watching straight porn. I tried to be understanding and gave him a chance not only to ecplain but because i wanted to know if i was just gonna be a novalty (the one guy he dates.) He tells me he loves me and that he wants to be with me forever but i think hes just had bad luck with ggirls and am afriad one day he will leave me or cheat on me becausw he still desires wemon. This has been eating me alive lately and i feel so wrong for letting it get to me like this. But im really upset. is it wrong of me to judge him because i made him feel like he had to hide it. I dont know what to think and could really use so advice.

  3. Snoopy – Sure, looking at his browser history is snooping, but just barely. My thoughts on your concerns, FWIW:
    1. He’s been chatting on a hook up site.
    This could be harmless fantasy, or it could be that he’s pursuing an actual hook up. You trust him to be honest with you. I think you need to come clean about looking at his browser history, and ask him what he’s up to.
    2. He hasn’t confided his deepest, darkest sexual fantasies to you.
    I doubt that very many people really truly do this 100%. Although we’ve come a long way towards acceptance of same-sex relationships, there’s still a huge amount of negativity directed towards gay/bi men. This is a VERY high expectation you have here, tough for him to meet.
    3. He is “gayer” than he says.
    Gay men don’t like to/want to/enjoy having sex with women. You don’t mention anything about your sex life with him, but that’s the best information you’ve got about his level of “gayness.” IMHO, unless there’s something more than you’ve written about, it’s presumptuous of you to think that you know his sexuality better than he does. We all have worries about things, including things about our partners, but those worries are a product of our insecurities and fears. Sounds like you have a generally open and trusting relationship. Don’t let your dark thoughts pollute that.
    4. Men think about these things differently.
    Any universal statement about how men or women “are” is going to be wrong for some people. It’s probably accurate that there are more men than women who enjoy casual hookup sex. It’s probably accurate that your bf’s thinking about his sexual attraction to men is different than your thinking about your bf’s sexual attraction to men. Share your perspective with him, and listen to his.

    Good luck to you both.

  4. Unlike a lot of people on this thread I have not had any real traumatic experiences with my relationship.

    My boyfriend and I had been together for 7/8 months when i found out about is bisexuality. We live together and have done so for the entirety of our relationship. I was using his laptop to study (he spilt his tea on mine) during my procrastination period I was reading articles on the black friday shopping disasters, lost my page, went to history typed black, and was swamped with a myriad of ghetto booty black porn. Shocked i was curious if he only watched black porn (something i had an issue with as i suspected this meant he preferred black woman, something i am not).

    i then searched porn, and found that his porn tastes were predominantly split between, big cocks and small women, ghetto porn, and gay porn.

    At first i didn’t understand (i was still reeling at the ghetto stuff) but when i asked him about it, he told me he was bi. It wasn’t horrible at this stage, i was shocked, a little sad ( i didn’t really get male bisexuality yet) i asked him about it, and he told me he had never slept with a man, but enjoyed gay porn.

    A few days later i had managed to upset myself over it, and during the discussion he admitted that he had slept with a man whilst travelling in south america.

    At this point i was more upset that he had lied, this to me was an admission of repression (my underlying fear bi now gay later) and that by failing to tell me everything, he was repressing the part of him that was gay (his true self).

    My boyfriend is unbelievably attractive, manly, uncommonly kind, he’s an athlete, a doctor, smart, funny, and faithful.

    he is a one ‘person’ man.

    My greatest concerns:

    he is repressing his gay (he is irish – they’re not big on this sort of thing)

    he has lied about his porn habits and his sexual experiences and i can’t trust him.

    he is not manly anymore

    he will leave me when we are older because he finally realised he is gay.

    now those concerns all intertwine.

    For a while (a year or so) i chose to bury my head in the sand, he loves me, he would never cheat, i can just pretend he is straight.

    unfortunately my boyfriend saw this and sought to help me by hiding his habits and further repressing his sexuality.

    this eventually caused a rip roaring argument where i found out he had been lying about his porn habits (he told me he stopped watching gay porn) i realised i no longer trusted him, and we broke up.

    this lasted no more than a few days. the truth is we love each other unconditionally, and would do anything to be together. he said he would wait for me when i said i couldn’t be with him, be it weeks months or years. He loved me and wanted a future with me and its didn’t matter what gender any other being was or wasn’t because nobody could ever replace me. breaking up with someone you hate, has cheated, or you have grown apart from is easy in comparison to breaking up with someone you love so desperately for no better reason than they have the capacity to be attracted to both genders.

    so we sat down i understood that he hadn’t told me because he didn’t want to hurt me or drive me away, he rarely watches porn (i watch it 5 times more often than he does, gay, lesbian, shemale, granny) but when I’m away for long periods of time he does. i understood that i had failed to address my concerns and that i had inadvertently forced him to repress his sexuality.

    after a lot of reading and soul searching i have finally come to this conclusion:

    yes he is not ready to tell others about his sexuality, but he told me. he has never told a single being and he may never have needed to but he told me. this allowed him to talk about it, he is content with his sexuality, he knows himself and is happy. he is repressing nothing. Maybe one day he will tell others but so long as he is honest with himself and with me, that is not my issue.

    he has promised to never lie to me about his sexuality and i believe him. In return i will not be ignorant about it.

    he is the manly, football, rugby, hockey playing athlete he has always been. he is in no way my gay best friend, and our rough play, lustful relationship and high sex drive is a constant reminder of that.

    if he leaves me when I’m older then it makes no difference if its for a man or a woman, either way ill end up hurt and alone, and bisexuality has nothing to do with that.

    this probably doesn’t help you, but it helps me to have shared it.

    the thing that got me through it, he’s not dying and he doesn’t ever want to break up with me. whats a bit of bisexuality compared to that.

    1. “he is the manly, football, rugby, hockey playing athlete he has always been. he is in no way my gay best friend, and our rough play, lustful relationship and high sex drive is a constant reminder of that.

      If he leaves me when I’m older then it makes no difference if its for a man or a woman, either way ill end up hurt and alone, and bisexuality has nothing to do with that.”

      You have really helped me immensely…. My boyfriend came out to me last night. Shock was the first emotion. Then when upon finding out he had slept with men (I’m ashamed to admit) a bit of queasiness then I was hurt. He had lied to me, hid his sexuality from me even though I had been completely open to him about my past. And I always try to have an open mind about sexuality but for some reason I feel so confused and I didn’t understand why. I felt the things I mentioned but that was only just the emotions I can identify. I don’t know what else to do with this storm so to the internet I go to see if I can soul search and clear my head. Those two statements of yours struck a cord and I just had to write thank you. I love this man I want to grow old with him no matter what and he feels the same about me. I just want to accept everything about him and I wanted to find out what it is im really feeling….

    2. Thank you so much for your input, I’m going through the exact same thing and I have nobody to talk to about it which makes me really depressed and feel hopeless I also love my boyfriend who I think is bi sexual but is trying so hard not to be. This helped me alot!

  5. by sticking to my own type, I can smell these types and fakes and flamers off the bat and even straight women who get pissed because many are open to it but I am not what they think and I do it because when I am with a bisexual woman on my level, I will check out a man, I am monogamous and love who I love but since she flirts with women sporadically and we are kind of militant so we are upfront about not being gay or straight because we are different and the gay community is a fucking joke… we can understand each other… it is nothing against straight gay or some bisexuals either, who are wives or attached to gay people and their never ending complaints. We also know that our community doesn’t fuck with anyone outside of our own sexually, are the lowest STD rates in the area out of everyone and we live peacefully and happily with no drama or anything that we can’t understand or relate to. I was with my ex Jessica for 5 years before she miscarried and went nuts and it was gone because I didn’t know her anymore and she is with another bi woman right now and Alex, the dude that used to be ready to throw down if we didn’t get called bi and the situation got violent. We met at a martial arts tournament and I was also a scrapper and bully already because everyone knew I was bisexual so the judo and weapons trophies and notes in the paper and beating serious ass when shit needed to be done, didn’t subject me to the part time faggot jokes. His deal was head trauma… these two girls with their faggot friend had a fit because I called myself bi and then called her fag basher friends once, we beat their asses and then jumped that flamer for saying “this is one hate crime I can’t wait to see”… It is because of those that jump outside of their orientation… chicks who are bi that date just straight dudes are just sluts who get no respect because the only reason straight men like them is “hot lezzie porn 3 somes” so the girls dislike them too…

  6. I am a bisexual man, one of the unicorns. First, he is a jerk for cheating on you and don’t let him guilt you into letting him okay that. Those types are dangerous and they are also not to be trusted. I will also say, it seems like he leans more predominantly that way or he’s a closet homo. I know I fall in love and fall in love for the duration. If he is a closet gay man and comes out later on, understand he was never bi and please just judge the guy as a prick.

    Don’t let tumblr social justice guilt you into feeling wrong for your anger. I am not gay and they are the ones who are in denial about their bad elements. I will be the first to say that bisexual men and the bimbo bi women are often novelty bisexuals or experimenting and in one way their experience is bisexual but I have experimented with many straight men and they are straight and it was technically bisexual behavior but it was a curiosity and I am responsible and am friends with the ones I have. I don’t disrespect their boundaries and privacy and gay men would tell the world and humiliate them.

    Also, don’t bite the bait of “being bisexual is no different than being gay or straight” crap… if he is a male, engaging in sexual behavior with men from the net… it is too high risk… that is how they end up in the spot that they play the victim about later because they do what gay people do.

    I personally only date my own orientation and they have to be very centered on that part of them because I am not a fan of those who do the “I am %/gay %/straight” self hating crap because that is self hate and you are failing at the entire point if you are going that route… The victim act worked for gays but they also made sure brokeback mountain was a hit because it shows what is accurately closet homosexuality but is seen as bisexual. And I can sense a real bi guy vs the pervs, curious, gay people faking it, or lying thinking one of us will date them… like the Mariah hands and lisp isn’t obvious.

    It isn’t homophobic either… gay men are dirty and this bisexual breed, a slowly dying percentage thank goodness have the woman at home who is straight and a desperate lonely femme gay dude on the side who, “he has never gone that way for”… I had one date with one of those bisexuals, I told him to go to the gullible ones and hurt more of them because the particular section of town where our breed of bisexual doesn’t welcome that breed of bisexual at all because I saw him for what he was from the get go…

    You have every right to know… and gay people, whether this is homophobic or not are infested with higher rates of STDs, they run trains on eachother are filthy, will suck off anyone off the side of the road and these types of bisexuals are just as fucking filthy and they are the homophobes and self hating bisexuals. I get very attractive, strong bisexual men who have a more hands on approach to homophobes and even mouthy ass bitchy flamers… and seriously, 95% of the time you are accused of homophobia it is a social pressure tool. Straight people are fucking decent… heck one of Matthew Shepard murderers in that hate crime was openly bisexual and it irritates me as a bisexual that gay people ignore that to guilt trip you guys who are more than polite. Plus, the truth is homophobic and biphobic sometimes. So “bisexuals”, real and otherwise, before you whine about stereotypes and discrimination, understand that this person and many people are hurt by the stereotype that we all hate and gay people fail because they bully people into tolerating the intolerable and we need to own up to this problem and confront it if we want an ounce of respect or else people will just be rewording shit with a sign of relief like they do with gay people.

    I would personally dump them… I only got one once but we really look down on that type… trying too hard to fit into a gay/straight dynamic that we are not part of at all because being both is a 3rd category which is an umbrella in a sense but also neither one as far as identity goes so part of the problem is too many trying to have a place to have a throne and throw a pity party like they were an audience for with gay people.

  7. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. Our relationship has been quite rocky from the start and he treated me really badly in the beginning.
    Our relationship initially started as a long distance one and I had to move countries and give up my studies to be with him. Before moving I asked him about his past and very specifically asked him all the things that I considered a deal breaker – being gay was one of them, so I asked him if he had ever been into guys and he told me he was absolutely straight (which later turned out to be a lie).

    Because of the difficulties of integrating our lives together after me moving to be with him, we fought a lot and he was incredibly mean and verbally abusive (at times he pushed me around too. At that point I hated him and wanted to get away from him. He would pester me for sex, but I refused because of the way he treated me. I still don’t want to be intimate with him because I have son underlying anger towards him.

    A year ago we moved to London and our relationship improved a bit after me establishing firm boundaries – I still struggle with intimacy though (I also struggle with this because I have been raped in the past). One evening my boyfriend came home drunk and blurted out that he is bisexual and wants to have sex with other men. I had a sneaky suspicion that he had a crush on a guy at work and was trying to get me to have a threesome with another guy, which I obviously found as a shock.

    The next day we chatted about this and as it turns out he had a year long relationship with another guy (before we got together). I asked him how he managed to have sex with another man and he said that it was very pleasurable and that he was attracted to both men and women, but wanted to be in a relationship with a woman. I felt really betrayed that he lied to me. I uprooted my entire life to move to the opposite side of the world to be with him. I told him everything about my past and gave him the option of leaving if he didn’t feel comfortable with MY past, but yet he couldn’t afford me the same honesty.

    I have tried to talk to him about this, but he constantly changes his story and refuses to speak about this. We very nearly broke up.

    Then he started talking in his sleep sexually about other men – I heard him say:’I wanna fuck your arse full’ and started nattering about a tall, blonde elegant guy…I was traumatized by this. He was having either a physical or emotional affair with some guy. He denied this flat out saying that I was going mad. I’m really struggling with this and don’t know whether I should hang around.

    We love each other and have been through a lot to be together, but I don’t know whether to trust him or not. He has told me that he isn’t gay, but I know I’m running a massive risk by staying with him.

    I’m so sad and angry. I have no idea how to deal with this. When I think of him with another man I feel quite disgusted (I’m not homophobic – I just don’t want to deal with this confusion).

    He tells me that he loves me, but is this enough?

    Ps: This is a wonderful thread and everyone’s input has been thought provoking and intelligent, hence me reaching out to you all. Please help me cope with this. I don’t know what to do and my heart is struggling terribly with this.

    Thanks so much

  8. Your boyfriend is not a bi sexual (there is no such thing having sex with a person of the same gender makes yo a homosexual bi sexual is a word that homo’s have made up to lessen the sting of the fact that they can’t admit just what they are even to themselves) he is a straight up queer who has sex with men.
    Your best bet would be to find a man who is not a queer and only has interist in sex witp persons of the opposite gender and then make sure that he does not run off and have sex with every menber of the opposite gender that he meets.
    The likelyhood is that you will have a much better outlook on your new boyfriend if you were to stick to faithful hetrosexual males who are attracted to you rather than remaining with a homosexual who needs to have a woman around to convince himself that he is not queer only”bi sexual”.
    Get rid of him and move on

    1. And you sound like a self-loathing gay yourself, since you are such an expert on what makes a man “queer” or “homo”.

  9. I found out a few years after my ex and I broke up that he was having sex with men and women behind my back while we were together. He contracted HIV 2 years after we broke up from a sexual encounter with a man. He’s been asking me to have unprotected sex with him, saying that I won’t catch HIV due to it being nearly undetectable. I’m not stupid or naive. I told him point blank that I will not have unprotected sex with a bisexual man with HIV. He blocked me on Facebook after saying some really hurtful things to me.

  10. I’ve read a lot of your stories and I understand what you are going through. I have been living with my boyfriend off and on for 6 years.

    I first discovered he was bi-sexual in the first year of dating. He was looking up men seeking men on craigslist. He even emailed a couple of guys indicating he would like to hang out. He was doing this on my computer, so I had every right to look. I confronted him about it and he said he looks at men’s penis’ to compare them to his own because he felt his was inferior. There is nothing wrong with his penis by the way.

    I felt very confused by this but I also knew there was sexual molestation in his family. His father is a convictef sex offender who molested little boys including my boyfriend . So, I thought he must feel inferior because of the molestation.

    A few months later, we moved in together. I didnt trust him because he had been acting funny so I looked on his phone. I found emails to another man. He indicated to this man that he has a girlfriend but she doesnt know he’s bisexual. He also gave this man his physical measurements.

    We broke up over this and he moved out. I was heartbroken. And like some of the other women who posted, we had the best sex life! He was all over me and couldnt get enough.

    A couple of months later, we were still missing each otherand he swore up and down that he’s not gay and wanted to be exclusive with me.

    We took things slow for a while. Periodically, if I checked his email, there would be an email to a man or a couple he wants to hook up with. He would always tell me they didnt hook up and it was just an email.

    After 6 years, we started living together again. It was great for a few months until I looked at his phone again a nd saw that he was looking for men again on craiglist. His newest excuse is that he likes to look at the pictures.

    He has swore to me so many times that he is faithful. The problem isnt whether or not he has or hasnt cheated, it is causing me great anxiety. Leave him and move on. Dont waste years in a relationship with this kind of man. I


  11. Hi MelBell89

    this is a weird thing for me but I am now finding myself in a similar situation and I would love to hear what happened with you or any advice anyone else has.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a decade, we are high schoool sweethearts. I recently found out he is bi-sexual and has been struggling with it. I had no idea – i think i was lying to myself all along. But i do love him and i still feel he is my other half.

    I am trying really hard to accept it and move on but im scared im being an idiot. He never cheated on me in his definition – i.e. sexually but I did find emails and chats where he was initimate and told the other men he had fantasied etc about them. He says after everything he still chooses me but Im just petrified Im believing him too easily.

    I found the chats and profiles and when i asked him about them he said he wasnt sure if there was something wrong with him because he couldnt understand how he could be attracted to other men if he was that attracted to me and in love with me – he didnt really believe in the whole concept of bi-sexuality I suppose. He said he was curios and just asking questions. I have told him that to me this counts and cheating and he said wouldnt do it anymore – he has decided he wants to be with me and he has come to terms with his sexuality.

    I am all alone and no one other than the guys he has chatted to knows so I cant talk to any of our friends / family etc about this.

    Please help me and tell me if Im being dumb.

    Thank you

  12. ^ Either break up with him, Mel, or give him the freedom to scratch that itch when he needs to. The personals, they gay porn, the communication with a past gay flame… he’s either toeing the line or he’s already crossed it (I might give him the benefit of the doubt if it were just porn, but personals and exes? No freakin’ way. He’s gonna do it).

    Personally I don’t really believe that most people can suppress their appetites forever, even if they’ve otherwise got strong integrity.

  13. Hi Snoopy,

    When I read your situation, I had tears in my eyes, because I am currently going through almost the exact same thing. My boyfriend of 19 months finally admitted to me today that he thinks he is bisexual. I’ve known since last December because of text messages I read and e-mails I had seen between him and a guy he hooked up with while he was at another school years ago (before we got together).

    We’ve been back and forth about the issue several times because I found profiles he had on gay dating sites and gay porn sites he visits very frequently. My boyfriend also has an extremely high sex drive, and our sex life has always been pretty healthy.

    I completely understand being open-minded, and I told him when I found the sites and conversations that I love him no matter what (as long as he’s not cheating). He’s sworn his faithfulness up and down (to the point of swearing on his mother). I do think he’s been faithful, but I’m also struggling with the dating sites and the chatting with men online.

    My other biggest issue has been not having someone to talk about all of this with. I am one of three people who know about my boyfriend’s struggles with his sexuality. I don’t feel like I can talk about it with my mom, his mom (who’s a great friend of mine) or my friends. I feel completely alone in the situation. I’ve talked to him about it several times, and we’re doing our best to work on things, but I think it would be really helpful to talk to someone else about it.

    I notice you posted this over a year ago – if you have any insights as to how you made it through this situation, or any advice you could offer, I would really appreciate it.

    Thank you for posting – and I’m pulling for you.

    With warmest regards,


    1. I’m going through the same thing… My boyfriend of a year and seven months, who’s also the father of my 6 month old son just recently came out as being bisexual. A month after I gave birth. I went through his phone and found emails to several men via craigslist. He was cheating on me not only through the Internet but was actually puttin action to his words on these emails. I was heartbroken. I had a newborn baby. When I confronted him about it he lied and snatched his phone out of my hands. I kicked him out Ofcourse. I love him so much. I held on and gave him the benefit of the doubt that he truly was only for me and about only me. Two months go by and I just so happen to search through his tablet and there’s selfies that he’s taken of his butt and penis. Arms and face as well. When I confronted him about this he told me he likes to take pictures of himself. Moments later he came clean and admitted he was talking to men on Grindr but said he didn’t hook up with anyone, he just sent pictures and vise versa. I gave him another chance. I didn’t want to give up on him and I told him we were forever and he keeps fighting for me and insists he only wants me and he’ll never cheat again. He’s very manipulative as well. Upon getting back together I told him that I was here for him and we’re in this together. That he needed to communicate with me about everything, including when he’s having a “gay thought” I was already skeptical about him because how attractive he is I knew a lot of girls would be attracted to him. Now I feel like I have an even harder battle because what if his thoughts of a penis or ass takes over his preference in the future and he realizes he’s gay? I’m struggling so hard! I love him with all of me. It’s hard accepting him for who he is. He’s lied to me, betrayed me… In a way I feel like he trapped me as well with our son (don’t get me wrong I love and wanted my son before we were even pregnant) My son keeps me sane. It really does feel better seeing that other people go through this tragedy as well. How are you ladies holding up? Are you still with your boyfriends? How are you dealing? And is the hooking up ongoing?

      1. It sounds like his lying and cheating is the problem, not his bisexuality. His sexual orientation alone won’t make him more or less likely to cheat — it’s his personality and value system that will. Don’t worry about his gay thoughts — long-term relationships are bound to include some fantasizing of others on BOTH your parts; worry about his willingness to commit and be honest with you. If he can’t make you feel secure in the monogamy of your relationship after only a year and 7 months (which could still be considered a honeymoon phase) and after you’ve just embarked on family-hood together, we’re afraid that doesn’t bode well for the future of your relationship. And it sounds like an open relationship is not something you’d be interested in negotiating. You can certainly give it one more go with your partner, but if betrays you again, we’d suggest letting him go and focusing on how you two can be great parents as a non-couple. Good luck to you — both with your partner and your new baby!

  14. If there’s a problem move on or be more open minded. There are so many average things in this world, love should not be one of them. He keeps a diary babe… red flag, that’s what 13 years old girls do just kidding but i’m a bisexual man I stay single because its just not possible to be committed to both desires exclusively sexually how ever he could certainly emotionally. But yea its just likely he’s on the down low but sucks at keeping it low.

  15. This is very helpful to read. I found out my boyfriend had been with guys about a year and half after we were together, although I suspected it before then based on the fact that I knew he used to have a lot of gay friends and just the way he acted when we would see men kissing on tv or something (which bothered me but not him). He finally told me one night when he had been drinking. For the next year and a half I was in total denial. We never spoke about it and I tried to put it out of my mind but it has been hard. Recently, I found an email where he emailed a woman responding to a personal sex ad on CraigL. I was totally shocked by this because I know that he is a very honest person and I felt that he would never cheat on me. He told me that the email came as a shock to him too and that he had sent it when he had been drinking (he has a problem with drinking and is working hard on trying to quit) and didnt even remember sending it until I found it. I didnt speak to him for about a week but ultimately I believed him even though I shouldnt, because I know the type of person he is and know that that is not him when he is sober. He quit drinking after that and has been going to meetings. The other night I couldnt resist and i looked on his phone again. This time, I found at least two emails responding to men’s ads. He responded in one “I haven’t been with a guy in sooooooo, long and i want to really bad” I showed it to him and he told me these emails happened at the same time as the other email and he was drunk, he didnt tell me that he had done this because he was ashamed (and we hadnt discussed the whole bi-sexual thing since he told me). He told me that he doesnt even think about stuff like that when he is sober and it is all because of his drinking. He said he doesnt want anybody but me and “that’s not who he is” On one hand, I was relieved that I could finally talk to him about all the things I had been thinking about: How, maybe I can’t satisfy him and he needs to be with men also to be satisfied. About how it grosses me out to know that about him and makes me constantly doubt our relationship. He has a low sex drive which he said is due to his depression and drinking but I constantly feel like maybe he’s not attracted to me. He said that he’s done everything he can to show me how much he is attracted to me and loves me and if i have those feelings then it is because of my own insecurities. We talked about his bi-sexuality and he said that he can’t explain it he is attracted to both men and women but he could never be in a relationship with a man. He could only be with them sexually. Still, I can’t help doubting everthing he says. I at least am glad to know that there is other people in my situation that are dealing with this. I feel betrayed by his emails but at the same time I believe him that he would never ever do that if he were sober. However, I cant help questioning whether I could ever completely satisfy him. Just not sure I could handle it for the rest of my life.

  16. Ok. I’m a bi guy. I was married for 10 years and remained faithful – it helped that my wife was as oversexed as I was. Our break up had nothing to do with sex – in fact, I’d say our sex life kept us together longer than we would have otherwise. I’m also a very private person. If someone opens my mail or email, we’re done. And as far as porn goes, when I’m in a relationship, I find it useful fantasy play that certainly helps keep me from cheating.

    That said, going through browser histories is not openning private mail. I go through history all the time to find something I forgot to bookmark. So I don’t think the young lady finding something in the history means she’s a horrible snoop.

    Next, the porn doesn’t bother me, but the profile on the hook up site does. I think she has every right to ask him about that. I wouldn’t cop an attitude, just be forthright and calm. If he’s cheated (or you’re convinced he has) I’d say move on.

    Everyone in every relationship needs to discuss their bounderies, sexual and otherwise. If those bounderies are broken, the relationship usually iis, too.

  17. I would also like to know how things turned out for Snoopy, and for everyone else who commented above. I have to say, reading this article/the comments has been a really good experience for me. I stumbled upon the page because I also need some relationship advice, if anyone out there is still reading.

    I’m trying to figure out how to have a healthy conversation with my boyfriend so that I can tell him I know he’s bisexual. I know he’s bisexual because we have a mutual friend who he confided in, and because I know him well and can just tell. I also know he looks at all types of porn: straight, gay, bi, and it makes me feel uncomfortable because I continually worry that I’m not the right kind of person to fulfill his desires. It puts a strain on our relationship.

    I love my boyfriend very much and don’t think he has it in his bones to cheat (he’s a sweetheart of the best kind) but the fact that he’s hiding his sexual orientation really bothers me. We’ve only been seriously dating for a few months so I thought he needed time to get comfortable before he mentioned anything, but we’re pretty close and he’s still hiding it from me.

    I just don’t know how to bring all of this up. The one time we got close to having a conversation about it (talking about all of our past relationships) he kept changing the subject, and of course I knew why. I don’t want to hurt or embarrass him by saying that I’ve known all along, but I want him to tell me everything about this so I can be a supportive girlfriend and so he knows I LOVE HIM no matter what.

    It makes me angry that he’s lying to me but then again he’s obviously not ready to talk about it, maybe because he has issues with it himself.

    Thanks for all your comments! They’re really appreciated.

  18. the original post has been up a while so I’d be interested to see how things have gone for “snoopy”.
    I have had a similar experience, being the boyfriend in the situation.
    I consider myself hetero with a bi-curious nature. I’ve had quite a few opportunities to have sexual encounters with guys since being a teen (im 30 now), but only acted on a couple of them when I felt really comfortable in the situation. I’ve had numerous girlfriends and sexual relations with them.
    I had a general sexual health check at one point in my life and was asked if i’d had sexual relations with a guy. I was told by the clinician that almost every guy says yes to a male to male encounter at some time in there life.
    My girlfriend found my gay porn, and I only wish she could have been as accepting as snoopy.
    I do look at gay porn alot but it is a sexual release for me. I do not feel as if anything is missing in my life by not being physically involved with a guy. If anything I would rather be looking at porn instead of being with a guy.
    I also was on a gay chat website but did not, and have not used it to actually meet a guy. I would never meet a random off the internet. I liked to see guys who didnt appear as stereo-typical gays. It made me feel more comfortable with myself to see “normal” type guys on these sites. There are alot of creeps though, but then there were like minded people to chat to as well. Sometimes I jacked off on IM with guys, typing to each other what we’d like to do together, but I was never interested in meeting people for random hookups. (just being honest to help your understanding!)
    My girlfriend freaked when she found the gay porn and it was pretty distressing for me as I’d never been open about my guy interest with anyone…other than the couple of guys i’d done things with obviously. Over the weeks she tried to be understanding and it felt so good to be able to talk with her about it. Then she’d freak out again and think I was looking outside our relationship for sex, which i wasnt.
    Advice is so general in nature as everybody is so different, but my advice to snoopy is you do need to talk to your boyfriend about it. The more accepting and less judging you are, the more likely you are to get truthful answers.(you sound very accepting anyway!) He will probably flip out initially though so be prepared. Also, the whole truth is unlikely to come out in one conversation as it’s not something most bi-curious guys are comfortable talking about. You need to talk about it regularly and he will become more easy about the topic. If you bring @$$ play etc into the bedroom, it will likely help.
    My girlfriend slowly began to remove @$$ play from our sex, and other things I loved. She thought this, and me wanting anal sex was part of me turning gay. She insisted I looked at no porn at all. I did try this, but then just began being more thorough about not being caught. I would have loved to watch the porn together, and think this would have really improved our relationship, but the suggestion freaked her.
    You do need to bring up things like condom use etc, as your sexual health is at risk if he is out having sex with guys. There is definitely a possibility he is doing that, but I just wanted to share my story to show there is a possibility he is not.
    I think sharing his fantasies and having very open progressive communication with him, as well as bum fun in the bed room will go along way to saving the relationship.
    Overall use your intuition, and look out for your sexual health. There are guys out there like me, there are guys doing down low things with their best mate, and there are guys out there having unprotected sex with random strangers.
    Good luck.

  19. Well I am in a relationship with a bisexual guy. We are only teenagers and we talked about this , I specifically told him that I don’t mind him liking other guys and stuff.. As long as he doesn’t get into a relationship with whoever it is.I do support him and everything I mean come on I know what I was getting myself into but I love him too much to care enough and support him with this. My only problem that I am struggling with now is that there’s a chance we will be over if he has met a guy he would like to be in a relationship with. I can’t handle being with him and thinking about him while (for example) he’s thinking about a guy… I just.. I don’t want to share him lol but even if this relationship did not go thru I sure will still be there for him no matter what x

  20. I think you should just come out and confront him about it. Admit that you went threw his things and are sorry for it but you were feeling insecure. You need to come right out and talk to him about it.

  21. What an ignorant statement, Sal.

    I’m straight and married to a bi-sexual, and I “hang” just fine. Also if a person has no interest in being faithful, then whatever the sexuality of their partner is, it’s not going to have any bearing on whether or not they (the bi-sexual) is going to be faithful. Straights cheat on straights, gays on gays, bi’s on bi’s, straights on bi’s, bi’s on straights, gays on bi’s, etc. However, there are also faithful straights, gays, and bi’s, and they don’t all have partners of the same orientation. Being faithful is right along the same lines as being honest, and I’d hate to think anyone believes all bi’s are liars, or all gays or liars, or all straights are liars. We’re all adults here, shouldn’t we be past the whole stereotyping bs by now? Haven’t we learned better?

  22. hi there dear,

    1st off belonging to the dating site is a -no no-. you don’t just join those sites to say “hi” then “yay i have a friend” – in your head.

    there are PLENTY of sites out there that you can join to just chat. with whoever who lives where ever (i would think).

    there is no reason to hop on a site “to meet friends” & in the process have to show them all your penis. (i don’t show my boobs to everyone… even if it would get me a million more friends ((guys mostly)) )

    bisexual people are not evil. (i happen to be bi myself). it’s all about how we choose to handle our bisexuality. my last boyfriend was bisexual. & he cheated on me ALL THE FREAKING TIME!!! i hated it. & he never had sex with me! so that didn’t help much either.

    i hope i helped in some way or another,
    any other questions – just let me know…

    <3 always,
    Jennifer m. Gilmore-Goad

  23. Leave, and don’t date bisexual people. Why would you want your man fantasizing about other men? Obviously its something you can’t give him. This is absolutely ridiculous. What’s the world coming to? Let the bi’s date the bi’s etc, if your straight don’t mix with that crowd, you won’t be able to hang, trust me.

  24. Advice from a woman who is married to bi-sexual man:

    1stly, SEXUALITY DOES NOT DETERMINE INTEGRITY. PERIOD. And since faithfulness has it roots in integrity, sexuality doesn’t determine it any more than race, hair color, height, gender, etc. Each individual makes a CONSCIOUS decision as to whether or not they are going to be faithful.

    I agree with Anon’s 2nd to the last paragraph in his comment, so just refer to it concerning the ‘snooping’ thing.

    The way I handle any issues with my husband’s interaction with other men is this: how would I feel if the guy in question was a girl? Or in your case, if he was chatting like this with other girls?

    Porn is porn. As long as it doesn’t involve children or animals, I don’t make it my business and I don’t (typically) ask. Admittedly, I have checked into the kind of porn my husband looks at, and if I see something that we don’t do, I’ll inquire. However, if he tells me it’s not something he wants to do, and it’s just fun to watch, I let it go. He understands he can talk to me about anything, so I leave it to him to bring up any new or otherwise not previously mentioned desires. And the same goes for him, it’s in my court to come to him with my wants. We just have to make sure to keep an atmosphere that is open to this sort of expression.

    Cheating is cheating, and cheating is relative. You and he need to sit down discuss what exactly constitutes cheating in your relationship. This isn’t supposed to be a one time only discussion. Update and confirm often.

    Personal Note: He doesn’t need a profile to look at porn. I personally would tell my husband the profile goes (permanently along with any others like it) or I do. It is not acceptable for my husband to show his penis to anyone other than me, a physician for medical reasons, or someone we’re having a three-some with (which hasn’t happened yet, but I like to be thorough). No exceptions, and the same goes for any sexual behavior. I’m a hard-ass about it, but it works for us.

    Good luck!

  25. Gfriend, he is lying to you. He’s still on the date site , he’s cheated on you, he says he’s bi because he wants the emotional “thing” with a female…well he’s got a mother for that…make him confess that he’s lying and let go. Spend your time with someone real and honest, not on this dude that wants his cake and eat it too…he’s scum.

  26. Well snoopy,

    I can say I relate to your story 100%. It was as if i was writing the story because it sounded like my life story.
    I just want to give you my advice, I was seeing my guy for a couple of years and I knew about his past as well. I knew he had hookups with men and was fine with it at first. Then I realize just like you that you he had more gay porns than straight one.
    He could never talked about his sexuality around me and was very secretive. Until I noticed he had a profile from the history as well. I wasn’t going to be sneaky but he left it open and I went through it and learned he was lying and still meeting other men for random hook ups.
    I’m not telling you that he is probably cheating on you, but I feel you do have the right to be a little sneaky if you are unsure. You should always trust your instincts. This was a very tough situation for me, and still trying to get over it. I hope this helps and for your sake, I hope hes just browsing. 🙂

  27. Talking is always best. I think that it’s not a huge deal that you “snooped” through his browser history. What’s important here is that you had a suspicion that inclined you to do a little snooping. Talking about why you felt this way and also discussing what you found will certainly help clarify things.

  28. As a bi guy myself who seems to have a similar outlook as your boyfriend (as per your description), I might be able to help you out a bit, so I’ll throw in my two cents.

    I don’t want to make assumptions, so I’ll explain my situation. I’m sexually liberal. You could describe it as indiscriminate. I don’t lean in one direction or another, but I am more physically attracted to women. I can get aroused from a girl sometimes just from her smile. I usually don’t get aroused by guys unless I’m in a certain mood AND I think about intercourse with them, and even then I don’t have an interest in their bodies. I’m 19. It started when I was around 16. I don’t really remember how it started, but it began with experimentation with anal stimulation. I liked sticking stuff up there, and eventually I wanted to try it with a guy. I do it for relief. I like the real thing, but I’ve had girlfriend who have used strapons on me and that’s perfectly satisfied me.

    You’ve said that your boyfriend’s libido is high, which makes me believe that his situation is probably similar to mine, rather than him grappling with his sexuality.

    He is on a hookup site, which means he is probably meeting up with guys. I’m sorry. He is probably on it to have random hookups. That’s cheating and you’ll have to discuss that with him. There’s really no excuse for it. It’s inappropriate.

    Now, as for your worries about satisfying him–if you are comfortable with it I would recommend getting a strapon.

    The only way you can resolve this is by talking to him.

    In response to some of the comments–Yeah, I would consider what he is doing to be cheating. He’s not doing it to get into a relationship with someone else. He is probably doing it purely for sex. Regardless of whether or not she could satisfy it (he wouldn’t be able to satisfy her if she were interested in other girls) that’s cheating. Maybe not as severe a form, but cheating nonetheless. He’s still lying.

    As for having high ground during the confrontation–I don’t think that this is an issue. For one, her reasons for looking at his history were not because she was snooping to see if he was cheating. She wanted to see what porn he was looking at. That’s sexual. Totally different. Second, it’s WAY different than meeting up with guys for sex.

    The only reason someone has to get upset by someone looking at their internet history is if they have something to hide. This isn’t an issue of trust. She clicked a couple of buttons. She wasn’t going out of her way. Should she NOT be allowed to look at the browser’s internet history? Besides, he is breaking her trust. She is perfectly founded in not trusting him now.

  29. Being a bisexual female I do every once and a while engage in sexting and/or cyber sex with women. I am in a relationship with a man and we’ve been together for 3 years. I am, however, always upfront with him about it. I tell him about the women or the things I’ve said and it turns both of us on. I honestly think that snoopy should just ask him about it and see if there’s something she could do (strap on? @$$ play? etc.) and also she should realize that even if he’s chatting with people he may not consider that cheat because it’s only words not actions. she needs to ask herself if she would consider reading an erotic novel cheating? because that’s all sexting/cyber sex is, it’s an interactive erotic novel. talking is the best solution, bring it up tell him your concerns and ask him what he misses about men and how she could fill the void. (no pun intended hehe)

  30. Honey, staying in a relationship even though you are “open minded”will not work for longterm if he has interests outside of your relationship.He clearly has interest in a same sex union whether it be online or in person.I feel that his chatting and keeping himself “available” will increase the possibility of him going outside of your relationship.If it is causing you emotional upset and making you doubt his commitment to you then perhaps you should step back and take a good long look at your situation and who knows absence may make the heart grow fonder! If not at least you will be able to explore your feelings and determine if he is the right man for you.God Bless and be safe out there 🙂

  31. You can’t come to him with a concern about being able to trust him, when you’ve made it clear in two separate instances that you’ve taken advantage of his trust in you in order to snoop.

    Yes in the grand scheme, seeing the browser history of a shared computer (its a shared one, right? not his personal one) is not the biggest deal, but it speaks to a pattern of you either not being in a trusting place in the relationship, or looking for something to feel bad about.

    It’s true that self-flagellation doesn’t do much good, but you dont exactly have the high ground right now.

    In terms of the actual question, looking at porn, or even posting to a hookup site is not the same as going out and sucking random cock.

    If he ‘cannot get what he wants at home’, it seems to me that you’d rather he be looking at penises in porn or chatting with random guys online than ‘at the gym’ (unless you guys want to negotiate an open relationship in that sense, which seems like it would be beyond your capacity for trust and communication at this point).

    I wouldn’t label him a cheater, but I think it would probably be a good idea to have a general conversation about boundaries in your relationship, both from your side and his side. It may be that he’s looking for something outside the relationship of either gender… it may be that he just gets off on random guys fawning over his penis… it may be that its a profile he put up before you started going out, or when you were dating early.

    But if you come at him with “i snooped in your browser history because i couldn’t help myself and i found this thing that made me uncomfortable!”, you have zero leg to stand on when it comes to the moral high ground. And really, who wants to be in a relationship when you have to worry about that kind of thing anyway.

  32. He’s lying to you, and I don’t like it. =[

    I think you should talk to him about it. Bring it up, be honest and apologize for snooping. BUT! Don’t self-flagellate for that. You didn’t hack into anything password protected, and thus what you did is way down in the noise.

    Why is he not being completely honest in his fantasies? Assure him that you won’t judge him for any fantasies he has, and ask him why he hid these things from you. Emphasize that it’s the dishonesty that’s got you bothered. Ask him why the site’s still up. If he tries to flip this around into a problem with you snooping, he’s probably trying to hide something.

  33. not to try to make an argument but I agree with the top I am pansexual, and I have no problem, your sexual orientation doesn’t tell your faithfulness. In the end if your bi whatever cheating is cheating. If he cheated on you in the past multiple times he’ll do it again it is in human nature to do as such(unless someone changes).

  34. Snoopy says her BF said “He told me early on that he had slept with a handful of men on random hook-up type encounters” and I have to ask how old are you Snoopy and where have you been all your life? Does the word Aids come to mind; random encounters is how much of the HIV virus got spread. Maybe having encounters with men in a couples situation is the better more open way to go. At least have an idea of who the guy is that your BF is doing.

  35. ^ I’d say being bi does make him more likely to cheat. I’d say the same of anybody who can’t get what they want at home, like a woman whose guy won’t go down on her or a guy whose gf won’t let him do her from behind.

  36. I don’t think you’re having problems dealing with his bisexuality at all. I think you’re having problems dealing with his faithfulness.

    Being bi definitely DOESN’T make him more likely to cheat. Sure, he’s attracted to other people – but so are you – and that says nothing about acting on those urges.

    Looking at gay porn also sounds okay to me. It’s a way of indulging those attractions without doing anything about it – and lots of men like different things in porn than in real life, etc.

    What gets me is this: Why does he have a profile on a hook-up site if he’s not looking to hook up?

    Possibly for you the chatting is cheating, and for him it’s not. But if that’s the case you need to talk about what is meant by ‘cheating’

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