We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:
Dear Em and Lo,
I am having trouble dealing with my boyf’s bisexuality. We’ve been together for a year and a half but don’t live together yet. He told me early on that he had slept with a handful of men on random hook-up type encounters (although he pretended he met them at the gym which I didn’t really believe!) but didn’t really see himself as fully bi, he says he only has emotional feelings for women. He, like me, has a really high sex drive and I saw it as all part of his extremely horny nature!
I am also a completely open-minded kind of gal, and didn’t really think on this too deeply, UNTIL (you knew it was coming) I noticed recently he seems to look at mainly gay porn. Then I had a look at one of his favoured sites (it was a bit sneaky but he didn’t clear his internet history so, umm, yeah, couldn’t help myself) and realized he’d been logging on to a gay hook-up type site, and had a profile up with pictures of his cock out (horror!) listing the various things he’d like to have done to him, many of which he’d never mentioned to ME or included in our frank conversations about his man-sex.
I don’t believe he’s been cheating — we’ve had many an honest conversation about how this would be a dealbreaker for both of us, and he has reassured me whenever I’ve asked if he missed men, that he didn’t really, sometimes he fantasized about them, but he hates unfaithfulness, and just because he was bi, didn’t mean he’d be more likely to cheat.
As our relationship is so strong and open-minded in nature, I’m having trouble processing the fact that he’s still left his profile up and seems to be engaging in chatroom-type stuff with other men. I’m sure he’s probably just on there for the porn, which I’m totally cool with, but the chatting, not so much. I’m also kind of offended he hasn’t confided all of his deepest darkest sex-desires to me! And worry maybe I can’t fulfill them either!
I know the answer is probably to talk to him, but we had an issue before where I read his diary and he went ballistic and it took a while to get over. As I sort of snooped I feel in the wrong, but at the same time it is eating me up. I have the usual worries: that he is “gayer” than he says or maybe even knows (is that patronizing?) and won’t be able to sustain a long relationship with me – plus I feel deceived. We love each other a lot and have made it clear this is a long term thing but I hate my feelings of insecurity. He’s the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. Am I being naive? Or am I not open-minded enough to realise men think about these things differently?
— Love from Snoopy
What should Snoopy do?
I found out a few years after my ex and I broke up that he was having sex with men and women behind my back while we were together. He contracted HIV 2 years after we broke up from a sexual encounter with a man. He’s been asking me to have unprotected sex with him, saying that I won’t catch HIV due to it being nearly undetectable. I’m not stupid or naive. I told him point blank that I will not have unprotected sex with a bisexual man with HIV. He blocked me on Facebook after saying some really hurtful things to me.
I’ve read a lot of your stories and I understand what you are going through. I have been living with my boyfriend off and on for 6 years.
I first discovered he was bi-sexual in the first year of dating. He was looking up men seeking men on craigslist. He even emailed a couple of guys indicating he would like to hang out. He was doing this on my computer, so I had every right to look. I confronted him about it and he said he looks at men’s penis’ to compare them to his own because he felt his was inferior. There is nothing wrong with his penis by the way.
I felt very confused by this but I also knew there was sexual molestation in his family. His father is a convictef sex offender who molested little boys including my boyfriend . So, I thought he must feel inferior because of the molestation.
A few months later, we moved in together. I didnt trust him because he had been acting funny so I looked on his phone. I found emails to another man. He indicated to this man that he has a girlfriend but she doesnt know he’s bisexual. He also gave this man his physical measurements.
We broke up over this and he moved out. I was heartbroken. And like some of the other women who posted, we had the best sex life! He was all over me and couldnt get enough.
A couple of months later, we were still missing each otherand he swore up and down that he’s not gay and wanted to be exclusive with me.
We took things slow for a while. Periodically, if I checked his email, there would be an email to a man or a couple he wants to hook up with. He would always tell me they didnt hook up and it was just an email.
After 6 years, we started living together again. It was great for a few months until I looked at his phone again a nd saw that he was looking for men again on craiglist. His newest excuse is that he likes to look at the pictures.
He has swore to me so many times that he is faithful. The problem isnt whether or not he has or hasnt cheated, it is causing me great anxiety. Leave him and move on. Dont waste years in a relationship with this kind of man. I
I
Hi MelBell89
this is a weird thing for me but I am now finding myself in a similar situation and I would love to hear what happened with you or any advice anyone else has.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a decade, we are high schoool sweethearts. I recently found out he is bi-sexual and has been struggling with it. I had no idea – i think i was lying to myself all along. But i do love him and i still feel he is my other half.
I am trying really hard to accept it and move on but im scared im being an idiot. He never cheated on me in his definition – i.e. sexually but I did find emails and chats where he was initimate and told the other men he had fantasied etc about them. He says after everything he still chooses me but Im just petrified Im believing him too easily.
I found the chats and profiles and when i asked him about them he said he wasnt sure if there was something wrong with him because he couldnt understand how he could be attracted to other men if he was that attracted to me and in love with me – he didnt really believe in the whole concept of bi-sexuality I suppose. He said he was curios and just asking questions. I have told him that to me this counts and cheating and he said wouldnt do it anymore – he has decided he wants to be with me and he has come to terms with his sexuality.
I am all alone and no one other than the guys he has chatted to knows so I cant talk to any of our friends / family etc about this.
Please help me and tell me if Im being dumb.
Thank you
^ Either break up with him, Mel, or give him the freedom to scratch that itch when he needs to. The personals, they gay porn, the communication with a past gay flame… he’s either toeing the line or he’s already crossed it (I might give him the benefit of the doubt if it were just porn, but personals and exes? No freakin’ way. He’s gonna do it).
Personally I don’t really believe that most people can suppress their appetites forever, even if they’ve otherwise got strong integrity.
Hi Snoopy,
When I read your situation, I had tears in my eyes, because I am currently going through almost the exact same thing. My boyfriend of 19 months finally admitted to me today that he thinks he is bisexual. I’ve known since last December because of text messages I read and e-mails I had seen between him and a guy he hooked up with while he was at another school years ago (before we got together).
We’ve been back and forth about the issue several times because I found profiles he had on gay dating sites and gay porn sites he visits very frequently. My boyfriend also has an extremely high sex drive, and our sex life has always been pretty healthy.
I completely understand being open-minded, and I told him when I found the sites and conversations that I love him no matter what (as long as he’s not cheating). He’s sworn his faithfulness up and down (to the point of swearing on his mother). I do think he’s been faithful, but I’m also struggling with the dating sites and the chatting with men online.
My other biggest issue has been not having someone to talk about all of this with. I am one of three people who know about my boyfriend’s struggles with his sexuality. I don’t feel like I can talk about it with my mom, his mom (who’s a great friend of mine) or my friends. I feel completely alone in the situation. I’ve talked to him about it several times, and we’re doing our best to work on things, but I think it would be really helpful to talk to someone else about it.
I notice you posted this over a year ago – if you have any insights as to how you made it through this situation, or any advice you could offer, I would really appreciate it.
Thank you for posting – and I’m pulling for you.
With warmest regards,
Mel
I’m going through the same thing… My boyfriend of a year and seven months, who’s also the father of my 6 month old son just recently came out as being bisexual. A month after I gave birth. I went through his phone and found emails to several men via craigslist. He was cheating on me not only through the Internet but was actually puttin action to his words on these emails. I was heartbroken. I had a newborn baby. When I confronted him about it he lied and snatched his phone out of my hands. I kicked him out Ofcourse. I love him so much. I held on and gave him the benefit of the doubt that he truly was only for me and about only me. Two months go by and I just so happen to search through his tablet and there’s selfies that he’s taken of his butt and penis. Arms and face as well. When I confronted him about this he told me he likes to take pictures of himself. Moments later he came clean and admitted he was talking to men on Grindr but said he didn’t hook up with anyone, he just sent pictures and vise versa. I gave him another chance. I didn’t want to give up on him and I told him we were forever and he keeps fighting for me and insists he only wants me and he’ll never cheat again. He’s very manipulative as well. Upon getting back together I told him that I was here for him and we’re in this together. That he needed to communicate with me about everything, including when he’s having a “gay thought” I was already skeptical about him because how attractive he is I knew a lot of girls would be attracted to him. Now I feel like I have an even harder battle because what if his thoughts of a penis or ass takes over his preference in the future and he realizes he’s gay? I’m struggling so hard! I love him with all of me. It’s hard accepting him for who he is. He’s lied to me, betrayed me… In a way I feel like he trapped me as well with our son (don’t get me wrong I love and wanted my son before we were even pregnant) My son keeps me sane. It really does feel better seeing that other people go through this tragedy as well. How are you ladies holding up? Are you still with your boyfriends? How are you dealing? And is the hooking up ongoing?
It sounds like his lying and cheating is the problem, not his bisexuality. His sexual orientation alone won’t make him more or less likely to cheat — it’s his personality and value system that will. Don’t worry about his gay thoughts — long-term relationships are bound to include some fantasizing of others on BOTH your parts; worry about his willingness to commit and be honest with you. If he can’t make you feel secure in the monogamy of your relationship after only a year and 7 months (which could still be considered a honeymoon phase) and after you’ve just embarked on family-hood together, we’re afraid that doesn’t bode well for the future of your relationship. And it sounds like an open relationship is not something you’d be interested in negotiating. You can certainly give it one more go with your partner, but if betrays you again, we’d suggest letting him go and focusing on how you two can be great parents as a non-couple. Good luck to you — both with your partner and your new baby!
If there’s a problem move on or be more open minded. There are so many average things in this world, love should not be one of them. He keeps a diary babe… red flag, that’s what 13 years old girls do just kidding but i’m a bisexual man I stay single because its just not possible to be committed to both desires exclusively sexually how ever he could certainly emotionally. But yea its just likely he’s on the down low but sucks at keeping it low.
This is very helpful to read. I found out my boyfriend had been with guys about a year and half after we were together, although I suspected it before then based on the fact that I knew he used to have a lot of gay friends and just the way he acted when we would see men kissing on tv or something (which bothered me but not him). He finally told me one night when he had been drinking. For the next year and a half I was in total denial. We never spoke about it and I tried to put it out of my mind but it has been hard. Recently, I found an email where he emailed a woman responding to a personal sex ad on CraigL. I was totally shocked by this because I know that he is a very honest person and I felt that he would never cheat on me. He told me that the email came as a shock to him too and that he had sent it when he had been drinking (he has a problem with drinking and is working hard on trying to quit) and didnt even remember sending it until I found it. I didnt speak to him for about a week but ultimately I believed him even though I shouldnt, because I know the type of person he is and know that that is not him when he is sober. He quit drinking after that and has been going to meetings. The other night I couldnt resist and i looked on his phone again. This time, I found at least two emails responding to men’s ads. He responded in one “I haven’t been with a guy in sooooooo, long and i want to really bad” I showed it to him and he told me these emails happened at the same time as the other email and he was drunk, he didnt tell me that he had done this because he was ashamed (and we hadnt discussed the whole bi-sexual thing since he told me). He told me that he doesnt even think about stuff like that when he is sober and it is all because of his drinking. He said he doesnt want anybody but me and “that’s not who he is” On one hand, I was relieved that I could finally talk to him about all the things I had been thinking about: How, maybe I can’t satisfy him and he needs to be with men also to be satisfied. About how it grosses me out to know that about him and makes me constantly doubt our relationship. He has a low sex drive which he said is due to his depression and drinking but I constantly feel like maybe he’s not attracted to me. He said that he’s done everything he can to show me how much he is attracted to me and loves me and if i have those feelings then it is because of my own insecurities. We talked about his bi-sexuality and he said that he can’t explain it he is attracted to both men and women but he could never be in a relationship with a man. He could only be with them sexually. Still, I can’t help doubting everthing he says. I at least am glad to know that there is other people in my situation that are dealing with this. I feel betrayed by his emails but at the same time I believe him that he would never ever do that if he were sober. However, I cant help questioning whether I could ever completely satisfy him. Just not sure I could handle it for the rest of my life.
Ok. I’m a bi guy. I was married for 10 years and remained faithful – it helped that my wife was as oversexed as I was. Our break up had nothing to do with sex – in fact, I’d say our sex life kept us together longer than we would have otherwise. I’m also a very private person. If someone opens my mail or email, we’re done. And as far as porn goes, when I’m in a relationship, I find it useful fantasy play that certainly helps keep me from cheating.
That said, going through browser histories is not openning private mail. I go through history all the time to find something I forgot to bookmark. So I don’t think the young lady finding something in the history means she’s a horrible snoop.
Next, the porn doesn’t bother me, but the profile on the hook up site does. I think she has every right to ask him about that. I wouldn’t cop an attitude, just be forthright and calm. If he’s cheated (or you’re convinced he has) I’d say move on.
Everyone in every relationship needs to discuss their bounderies, sexual and otherwise. If those bounderies are broken, the relationship usually iis, too.
I would also like to know how things turned out for Snoopy, and for everyone else who commented above. I have to say, reading this article/the comments has been a really good experience for me. I stumbled upon the page because I also need some relationship advice, if anyone out there is still reading.
I’m trying to figure out how to have a healthy conversation with my boyfriend so that I can tell him I know he’s bisexual. I know he’s bisexual because we have a mutual friend who he confided in, and because I know him well and can just tell. I also know he looks at all types of porn: straight, gay, bi, and it makes me feel uncomfortable because I continually worry that I’m not the right kind of person to fulfill his desires. It puts a strain on our relationship.
I love my boyfriend very much and don’t think he has it in his bones to cheat (he’s a sweetheart of the best kind) but the fact that he’s hiding his sexual orientation really bothers me. We’ve only been seriously dating for a few months so I thought he needed time to get comfortable before he mentioned anything, but we’re pretty close and he’s still hiding it from me.
I just don’t know how to bring all of this up. The one time we got close to having a conversation about it (talking about all of our past relationships) he kept changing the subject, and of course I knew why. I don’t want to hurt or embarrass him by saying that I’ve known all along, but I want him to tell me everything about this so I can be a supportive girlfriend and so he knows I LOVE HIM no matter what.
It makes me angry that he’s lying to me but then again he’s obviously not ready to talk about it, maybe because he has issues with it himself.
Thanks for all your comments! They’re really appreciated.
the original post has been up a while so I’d be interested to see how things have gone for “snoopy”.
I have had a similar experience, being the boyfriend in the situation.
I consider myself hetero with a bi-curious nature. I’ve had quite a few opportunities to have sexual encounters with guys since being a teen (im 30 now), but only acted on a couple of them when I felt really comfortable in the situation. I’ve had numerous girlfriends and sexual relations with them.
I had a general sexual health check at one point in my life and was asked if i’d had sexual relations with a guy. I was told by the clinician that almost every guy says yes to a male to male encounter at some time in there life.
My girlfriend found my gay porn, and I only wish she could have been as accepting as snoopy.
I do look at gay porn alot but it is a sexual release for me. I do not feel as if anything is missing in my life by not being physically involved with a guy. If anything I would rather be looking at porn instead of being with a guy.
I also was on a gay chat website but did not, and have not used it to actually meet a guy. I would never meet a random off the internet. I liked to see guys who didnt appear as stereo-typical gays. It made me feel more comfortable with myself to see “normal” type guys on these sites. There are alot of creeps though, but then there were like minded people to chat to as well. Sometimes I jacked off on IM with guys, typing to each other what we’d like to do together, but I was never interested in meeting people for random hookups. (just being honest to help your understanding!)
My girlfriend freaked when she found the gay porn and it was pretty distressing for me as I’d never been open about my guy interest with anyone…other than the couple of guys i’d done things with obviously. Over the weeks she tried to be understanding and it felt so good to be able to talk with her about it. Then she’d freak out again and think I was looking outside our relationship for sex, which i wasnt.
Advice is so general in nature as everybody is so different, but my advice to snoopy is you do need to talk to your boyfriend about it. The more accepting and less judging you are, the more likely you are to get truthful answers.(you sound very accepting anyway!) He will probably flip out initially though so be prepared. Also, the whole truth is unlikely to come out in one conversation as it’s not something most bi-curious guys are comfortable talking about. You need to talk about it regularly and he will become more easy about the topic. If you bring @$$ play etc into the bedroom, it will likely help.
My girlfriend slowly began to remove @$$ play from our sex, and other things I loved. She thought this, and me wanting anal sex was part of me turning gay. She insisted I looked at no porn at all. I did try this, but then just began being more thorough about not being caught. I would have loved to watch the porn together, and think this would have really improved our relationship, but the suggestion freaked her.
You do need to bring up things like condom use etc, as your sexual health is at risk if he is out having sex with guys. There is definitely a possibility he is doing that, but I just wanted to share my story to show there is a possibility he is not.
I think sharing his fantasies and having very open progressive communication with him, as well as bum fun in the bed room will go along way to saving the relationship.
Overall use your intuition, and look out for your sexual health. There are guys out there like me, there are guys doing down low things with their best mate, and there are guys out there having unprotected sex with random strangers.
Good luck.
It really hurts when you see pictures with him being emotional with a women with a dick. yeah like you could have told me right.?
Well I am in a relationship with a bisexual guy. We are only teenagers and we talked about this , I specifically told him that I don’t mind him liking other guys and stuff.. As long as he doesn’t get into a relationship with whoever it is.I do support him and everything I mean come on I know what I was getting myself into but I love him too much to care enough and support him with this. My only problem that I am struggling with now is that there’s a chance we will be over if he has met a guy he would like to be in a relationship with. I can’t handle being with him and thinking about him while (for example) he’s thinking about a guy… I just.. I don’t want to share him lol but even if this relationship did not go thru I sure will still be there for him no matter what x
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I think you should just come out and confront him about it. Admit that you went threw his things and are sorry for it but you were feeling insecure. You need to come right out and talk to him about it.
What an ignorant statement, Sal.
I’m straight and married to a bi-sexual, and I “hang” just fine. Also if a person has no interest in being faithful, then whatever the sexuality of their partner is, it’s not going to have any bearing on whether or not they (the bi-sexual) is going to be faithful. Straights cheat on straights, gays on gays, bi’s on bi’s, straights on bi’s, bi’s on straights, gays on bi’s, etc. However, there are also faithful straights, gays, and bi’s, and they don’t all have partners of the same orientation. Being faithful is right along the same lines as being honest, and I’d hate to think anyone believes all bi’s are liars, or all gays or liars, or all straights are liars. We’re all adults here, shouldn’t we be past the whole stereotyping bs by now? Haven’t we learned better?