Your Call: I Can’t Handle My Boyfriend’s Bisexuality

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:

Dear Em and Lo,

I am having trouble dealing with my boyf’s bisexuality. We’ve been together for a year and a half but don’t live together yet. He told me early on that he had slept with a handful of men on random hook-up type encounters (although he pretended he met them at the gym which I didn’t really believe!) but didn’t really see himself as fully bi, he says he only has emotional feelings for women. He, like me, has a really high sex drive and I saw it as all part of his extremely horny nature!

I am also a completely open-minded kind of gal, and didn’t really think on this too deeply, UNTIL (you knew it was coming) I noticed recently he seems to look at mainly gay porn. Then I had a look at one of his favoured sites (it was a bit sneaky but he didn’t clear his internet history so, umm, yeah, couldn’t help myself) and realized he’d been logging on to a gay hook-up type site, and had a profile up with pictures of his cock out (horror!) listing the various things he’d like to have done to him, many of which he’d never mentioned to ME or included in our frank conversations about his man-sex.

I don’t believe he’s been cheating — we’ve had many an honest conversation about how this would be a dealbreaker for both of us, and he has reassured me whenever I’ve asked if he missed men, that he didn’t really, sometimes he fantasized about them, but he hates unfaithfulness, and just because he was bi, didn’t mean he’d be more likely to cheat.

As our relationship is so strong and open-minded in nature, I’m having trouble processing the fact that he’s still left his profile up and seems to be engaging in chatroom-type stuff with other men. I’m sure he’s probably just on there for the porn, which I’m totally cool with, but the chatting, not so much. I’m also kind of offended he hasn’t confided all of his deepest darkest sex-desires to me! And worry maybe I can’t fulfill them either!

I know the answer is probably to talk to him, but we had an issue before where I read his diary and he went ballistic and it took a while to get over. As I sort of snooped I feel in the wrong, but at the same time it is eating me up. I have the usual worries: that he is “gayer” than he says or maybe even knows (is that patronizing?) and won’t be able to sustain a long relationship with me – plus I feel deceived. We love each other a lot and have made it clear this is a long term thing but I hate my feelings of insecurity. He’s the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. Am I being naive? Or am I not open-minded enough to realise men think about these things differently?

— Love from Snoopy

What should Snoopy do?


  1. Similar issue Instead… mine has been to the pen for more than 4 yrs…now he’s back in… and today he said something very strange to me…he said guys make me horny everyday…i said what?? He said you make me horny everyday..i said , you didn’t just say that, he’s like so you think I said some weird shit…i said if you know what I’m thinking then why u asking

  2. Im having the same problem but mine is a bit different. My boyfriend and I are 15 years apart. I lkke older men so the age gap isnt really a problem. I am and have been is only relationship with a man. Before that he had several girlfriends. He adentified as bi when we met. But quickly retradted and started to tell me he had only been with wemon because it was hard to be open back in his day. I accepted it but was still unsettled with his rrretraction. Recently i found out hes still watching straight porn. I tried to be understanding and gave him a chance not only to ecplain but because i wanted to know if i was just gonna be a novalty (the one guy he dates.) He tells me he loves me and that he wants to be with me forever but i think hes just had bad luck with ggirls and am afriad one day he will leave me or cheat on me becausw he still desires wemon. This has been eating me alive lately and i feel so wrong for letting it get to me like this. But im really upset. is it wrong of me to judge him because i made him feel like he had to hide it. I dont know what to think and could really use so advice.

  3. Snoopy – Sure, looking at his browser history is snooping, but just barely. My thoughts on your concerns, FWIW:
    1. He’s been chatting on a hook up site.
    This could be harmless fantasy, or it could be that he’s pursuing an actual hook up. You trust him to be honest with you. I think you need to come clean about looking at his browser history, and ask him what he’s up to.
    2. He hasn’t confided his deepest, darkest sexual fantasies to you.
    I doubt that very many people really truly do this 100%. Although we’ve come a long way towards acceptance of same-sex relationships, there’s still a huge amount of negativity directed towards gay/bi men. This is a VERY high expectation you have here, tough for him to meet.
    3. He is “gayer” than he says.
    Gay men don’t like to/want to/enjoy having sex with women. You don’t mention anything about your sex life with him, but that’s the best information you’ve got about his level of “gayness.” IMHO, unless there’s something more than you’ve written about, it’s presumptuous of you to think that you know his sexuality better than he does. We all have worries about things, including things about our partners, but those worries are a product of our insecurities and fears. Sounds like you have a generally open and trusting relationship. Don’t let your dark thoughts pollute that.
    4. Men think about these things differently.
    Any universal statement about how men or women “are” is going to be wrong for some people. It’s probably accurate that there are more men than women who enjoy casual hookup sex. It’s probably accurate that your bf’s thinking about his sexual attraction to men is different than your thinking about your bf’s sexual attraction to men. Share your perspective with him, and listen to his.

    Good luck to you both.

  4. Unlike a lot of people on this thread I have not had any real traumatic experiences with my relationship.

    My boyfriend and I had been together for 7/8 months when i found out about is bisexuality. We live together and have done so for the entirety of our relationship. I was using his laptop to study (he spilt his tea on mine) during my procrastination period I was reading articles on the black friday shopping disasters, lost my page, went to history typed black, and was swamped with a myriad of ghetto booty black porn. Shocked i was curious if he only watched black porn (something i had an issue with as i suspected this meant he preferred black woman, something i am not).

    i then searched porn, and found that his porn tastes were predominantly split between, big cocks and small women, ghetto porn, and gay porn.

    At first i didn’t understand (i was still reeling at the ghetto stuff) but when i asked him about it, he told me he was bi. It wasn’t horrible at this stage, i was shocked, a little sad ( i didn’t really get male bisexuality yet) i asked him about it, and he told me he had never slept with a man, but enjoyed gay porn.

    A few days later i had managed to upset myself over it, and during the discussion he admitted that he had slept with a man whilst travelling in south america.

    At this point i was more upset that he had lied, this to me was an admission of repression (my underlying fear bi now gay later) and that by failing to tell me everything, he was repressing the part of him that was gay (his true self).

    My boyfriend is unbelievably attractive, manly, uncommonly kind, he’s an athlete, a doctor, smart, funny, and faithful.

    he is a one ‘person’ man.

    My greatest concerns:

    he is repressing his gay (he is irish – they’re not big on this sort of thing)

    he has lied about his porn habits and his sexual experiences and i can’t trust him.

    he is not manly anymore

    he will leave me when we are older because he finally realised he is gay.

    now those concerns all intertwine.

    For a while (a year or so) i chose to bury my head in the sand, he loves me, he would never cheat, i can just pretend he is straight.

    unfortunately my boyfriend saw this and sought to help me by hiding his habits and further repressing his sexuality.

    this eventually caused a rip roaring argument where i found out he had been lying about his porn habits (he told me he stopped watching gay porn) i realised i no longer trusted him, and we broke up.

    this lasted no more than a few days. the truth is we love each other unconditionally, and would do anything to be together. he said he would wait for me when i said i couldn’t be with him, be it weeks months or years. He loved me and wanted a future with me and its didn’t matter what gender any other being was or wasn’t because nobody could ever replace me. breaking up with someone you hate, has cheated, or you have grown apart from is easy in comparison to breaking up with someone you love so desperately for no better reason than they have the capacity to be attracted to both genders.

    so we sat down i understood that he hadn’t told me because he didn’t want to hurt me or drive me away, he rarely watches porn (i watch it 5 times more often than he does, gay, lesbian, shemale, granny) but when I’m away for long periods of time he does. i understood that i had failed to address my concerns and that i had inadvertently forced him to repress his sexuality.

    after a lot of reading and soul searching i have finally come to this conclusion:

    yes he is not ready to tell others about his sexuality, but he told me. he has never told a single being and he may never have needed to but he told me. this allowed him to talk about it, he is content with his sexuality, he knows himself and is happy. he is repressing nothing. Maybe one day he will tell others but so long as he is honest with himself and with me, that is not my issue.

    he has promised to never lie to me about his sexuality and i believe him. In return i will not be ignorant about it.

    he is the manly, football, rugby, hockey playing athlete he has always been. he is in no way my gay best friend, and our rough play, lustful relationship and high sex drive is a constant reminder of that.

    if he leaves me when I’m older then it makes no difference if its for a man or a woman, either way ill end up hurt and alone, and bisexuality has nothing to do with that.

    this probably doesn’t help you, but it helps me to have shared it.

    the thing that got me through it, he’s not dying and he doesn’t ever want to break up with me. whats a bit of bisexuality compared to that.

    1. “he is the manly, football, rugby, hockey playing athlete he has always been. he is in no way my gay best friend, and our rough play, lustful relationship and high sex drive is a constant reminder of that.

      If he leaves me when I’m older then it makes no difference if its for a man or a woman, either way ill end up hurt and alone, and bisexuality has nothing to do with that.”

      You have really helped me immensely…. My boyfriend came out to me last night. Shock was the first emotion. Then when upon finding out he had slept with men (I’m ashamed to admit) a bit of queasiness then I was hurt. He had lied to me, hid his sexuality from me even though I had been completely open to him about my past. And I always try to have an open mind about sexuality but for some reason I feel so confused and I didn’t understand why. I felt the things I mentioned but that was only just the emotions I can identify. I don’t know what else to do with this storm so to the internet I go to see if I can soul search and clear my head. Those two statements of yours struck a cord and I just had to write thank you. I love this man I want to grow old with him no matter what and he feels the same about me. I just want to accept everything about him and I wanted to find out what it is im really feeling….

    2. Thank you so much for your input, I’m going through the exact same thing and I have nobody to talk to about it which makes me really depressed and feel hopeless I also love my boyfriend who I think is bi sexual but is trying so hard not to be. This helped me alot!

  5. by sticking to my own type, I can smell these types and fakes and flamers off the bat and even straight women who get pissed because many are open to it but I am not what they think and I do it because when I am with a bisexual woman on my level, I will check out a man, I am monogamous and love who I love but since she flirts with women sporadically and we are kind of militant so we are upfront about not being gay or straight because we are different and the gay community is a fucking joke… we can understand each other… it is nothing against straight gay or some bisexuals either, who are wives or attached to gay people and their never ending complaints. We also know that our community doesn’t fuck with anyone outside of our own sexually, are the lowest STD rates in the area out of everyone and we live peacefully and happily with no drama or anything that we can’t understand or relate to. I was with my ex Jessica for 5 years before she miscarried and went nuts and it was gone because I didn’t know her anymore and she is with another bi woman right now and Alex, the dude that used to be ready to throw down if we didn’t get called bi and the situation got violent. We met at a martial arts tournament and I was also a scrapper and bully already because everyone knew I was bisexual so the judo and weapons trophies and notes in the paper and beating serious ass when shit needed to be done, didn’t subject me to the part time faggot jokes. His deal was head trauma… these two girls with their faggot friend had a fit because I called myself bi and then called her fag basher friends once, we beat their asses and then jumped that flamer for saying “this is one hate crime I can’t wait to see”… It is because of those that jump outside of their orientation… chicks who are bi that date just straight dudes are just sluts who get no respect because the only reason straight men like them is “hot lezzie porn 3 somes” so the girls dislike them too…

  6. I am a bisexual man, one of the unicorns. First, he is a jerk for cheating on you and don’t let him guilt you into letting him okay that. Those types are dangerous and they are also not to be trusted. I will also say, it seems like he leans more predominantly that way or he’s a closet homo. I know I fall in love and fall in love for the duration. If he is a closet gay man and comes out later on, understand he was never bi and please just judge the guy as a prick.

    Don’t let tumblr social justice guilt you into feeling wrong for your anger. I am not gay and they are the ones who are in denial about their bad elements. I will be the first to say that bisexual men and the bimbo bi women are often novelty bisexuals or experimenting and in one way their experience is bisexual but I have experimented with many straight men and they are straight and it was technically bisexual behavior but it was a curiosity and I am responsible and am friends with the ones I have. I don’t disrespect their boundaries and privacy and gay men would tell the world and humiliate them.

    Also, don’t bite the bait of “being bisexual is no different than being gay or straight” crap… if he is a male, engaging in sexual behavior with men from the net… it is too high risk… that is how they end up in the spot that they play the victim about later because they do what gay people do.

    I personally only date my own orientation and they have to be very centered on that part of them because I am not a fan of those who do the “I am %/gay %/straight” self hating crap because that is self hate and you are failing at the entire point if you are going that route… The victim act worked for gays but they also made sure brokeback mountain was a hit because it shows what is accurately closet homosexuality but is seen as bisexual. And I can sense a real bi guy vs the pervs, curious, gay people faking it, or lying thinking one of us will date them… like the Mariah hands and lisp isn’t obvious.

    It isn’t homophobic either… gay men are dirty and this bisexual breed, a slowly dying percentage thank goodness have the woman at home who is straight and a desperate lonely femme gay dude on the side who, “he has never gone that way for”… I had one date with one of those bisexuals, I told him to go to the gullible ones and hurt more of them because the particular section of town where our breed of bisexual doesn’t welcome that breed of bisexual at all because I saw him for what he was from the get go…

    You have every right to know… and gay people, whether this is homophobic or not are infested with higher rates of STDs, they run trains on eachother are filthy, will suck off anyone off the side of the road and these types of bisexuals are just as fucking filthy and they are the homophobes and self hating bisexuals. I get very attractive, strong bisexual men who have a more hands on approach to homophobes and even mouthy ass bitchy flamers… and seriously, 95% of the time you are accused of homophobia it is a social pressure tool. Straight people are fucking decent… heck one of Matthew Shepard murderers in that hate crime was openly bisexual and it irritates me as a bisexual that gay people ignore that to guilt trip you guys who are more than polite. Plus, the truth is homophobic and biphobic sometimes. So “bisexuals”, real and otherwise, before you whine about stereotypes and discrimination, understand that this person and many people are hurt by the stereotype that we all hate and gay people fail because they bully people into tolerating the intolerable and we need to own up to this problem and confront it if we want an ounce of respect or else people will just be rewording shit with a sign of relief like they do with gay people.

    I would personally dump them… I only got one once but we really look down on that type… trying too hard to fit into a gay/straight dynamic that we are not part of at all because being both is a 3rd category which is an umbrella in a sense but also neither one as far as identity goes so part of the problem is too many trying to have a place to have a throne and throw a pity party like they were an audience for with gay people.

    1. This was so powerful to read. Thank you. So much. Please send me a copy of this. I can’t take screen shot.

  7. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. Our relationship has been quite rocky from the start and he treated me really badly in the beginning.
    Our relationship initially started as a long distance one and I had to move countries and give up my studies to be with him. Before moving I asked him about his past and very specifically asked him all the things that I considered a deal breaker – being gay was one of them, so I asked him if he had ever been into guys and he told me he was absolutely straight (which later turned out to be a lie).

    Because of the difficulties of integrating our lives together after me moving to be with him, we fought a lot and he was incredibly mean and verbally abusive (at times he pushed me around too. At that point I hated him and wanted to get away from him. He would pester me for sex, but I refused because of the way he treated me. I still don’t want to be intimate with him because I have son underlying anger towards him.

    A year ago we moved to London and our relationship improved a bit after me establishing firm boundaries – I still struggle with intimacy though (I also struggle with this because I have been raped in the past). One evening my boyfriend came home drunk and blurted out that he is bisexual and wants to have sex with other men. I had a sneaky suspicion that he had a crush on a guy at work and was trying to get me to have a threesome with another guy, which I obviously found as a shock.

    The next day we chatted about this and as it turns out he had a year long relationship with another guy (before we got together). I asked him how he managed to have sex with another man and he said that it was very pleasurable and that he was attracted to both men and women, but wanted to be in a relationship with a woman. I felt really betrayed that he lied to me. I uprooted my entire life to move to the opposite side of the world to be with him. I told him everything about my past and gave him the option of leaving if he didn’t feel comfortable with MY past, but yet he couldn’t afford me the same honesty.

    I have tried to talk to him about this, but he constantly changes his story and refuses to speak about this. We very nearly broke up.

    Then he started talking in his sleep sexually about other men – I heard him say:’I wanna fuck your arse full’ and started nattering about a tall, blonde elegant guy…I was traumatized by this. He was having either a physical or emotional affair with some guy. He denied this flat out saying that I was going mad. I’m really struggling with this and don’t know whether I should hang around.

    We love each other and have been through a lot to be together, but I don’t know whether to trust him or not. He has told me that he isn’t gay, but I know I’m running a massive risk by staying with him.

    I’m so sad and angry. I have no idea how to deal with this. When I think of him with another man I feel quite disgusted (I’m not homophobic – I just don’t want to deal with this confusion).

    He tells me that he loves me, but is this enough?

    Ps: This is a wonderful thread and everyone’s input has been thought provoking and intelligent, hence me reaching out to you all. Please help me cope with this. I don’t know what to do and my heart is struggling terribly with this.

    Thanks so much

  8. Your boyfriend is not a bi sexual (there is no such thing having sex with a person of the same gender makes yo a homosexual bi sexual is a word that homo’s have made up to lessen the sting of the fact that they can’t admit just what they are even to themselves) he is a straight up queer who has sex with men.
    Your best bet would be to find a man who is not a queer and only has interist in sex witp persons of the opposite gender and then make sure that he does not run off and have sex with every menber of the opposite gender that he meets.
    The likelyhood is that you will have a much better outlook on your new boyfriend if you were to stick to faithful hetrosexual males who are attracted to you rather than remaining with a homosexual who needs to have a woman around to convince himself that he is not queer only”bi sexual”.
    Get rid of him and move on

    1. And you sound like a self-loathing gay yourself, since you are such an expert on what makes a man “queer” or “homo”.

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