We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:
Dear Em and Lo,
I am having trouble dealing with my boyf’s bisexuality. We’ve been together for a year and a half but don’t live together yet. He told me early on that he had slept with a handful of men on random hook-up type encounters (although he pretended he met them at the gym which I didn’t really believe!) but didn’t really see himself as fully bi, he says he only has emotional feelings for women. He, like me, has a really high sex drive and I saw it as all part of his extremely horny nature!
I am also a completely open-minded kind of gal, and didn’t really think on this too deeply, UNTIL (you knew it was coming) I noticed recently he seems to look at mainly gay porn. Then I had a look at one of his favoured sites (it was a bit sneaky but he didn’t clear his internet history so, umm, yeah, couldn’t help myself) and realized he’d been logging on to a gay hook-up type site, and had a profile up with pictures of his cock out (horror!) listing the various things he’d like to have done to him, many of which he’d never mentioned to ME or included in our frank conversations about his man-sex.
I don’t believe he’s been cheating — we’ve had many an honest conversation about how this would be a dealbreaker for both of us, and he has reassured me whenever I’ve asked if he missed men, that he didn’t really, sometimes he fantasized about them, but he hates unfaithfulness, and just because he was bi, didn’t mean he’d be more likely to cheat.
As our relationship is so strong and open-minded in nature, I’m having trouble processing the fact that he’s still left his profile up and seems to be engaging in chatroom-type stuff with other men. I’m sure he’s probably just on there for the porn, which I’m totally cool with, but the chatting, not so much. I’m also kind of offended he hasn’t confided all of his deepest darkest sex-desires to me! And worry maybe I can’t fulfill them either!
I know the answer is probably to talk to him, but we had an issue before where I read his diary and he went ballistic and it took a while to get over. As I sort of snooped I feel in the wrong, but at the same time it is eating me up. I have the usual worries: that he is “gayer” than he says or maybe even knows (is that patronizing?) and won’t be able to sustain a long relationship with me – plus I feel deceived. We love each other a lot and have made it clear this is a long term thing but I hate my feelings of insecurity. He’s the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. Am I being naive? Or am I not open-minded enough to realise men think about these things differently?
— Love from Snoopy
What should Snoopy do?
hi there dear,
1st off belonging to the dating site is a -no no-. you don’t just join those sites to say “hi” then “yay i have a friend” – in your head.
there are PLENTY of sites out there that you can join to just chat. with whoever who lives where ever (i would think).
there is no reason to hop on a site “to meet friends” & in the process have to show them all your penis. (i don’t show my boobs to everyone… even if it would get me a million more friends ((guys mostly)) )
bisexual people are not evil. (i happen to be bi myself). it’s all about how we choose to handle our bisexuality. my last boyfriend was bisexual. & he cheated on me ALL THE FREAKING TIME!!! i hated it. & he never had sex with me! so that didn’t help much either.
i hope i helped in some way or another,
any other questions – just let me know…
<3 always,
Jennifer m. Gilmore-Goad
Leave, and don’t date bisexual people. Why would you want your man fantasizing about other men? Obviously its something you can’t give him. This is absolutely ridiculous. What’s the world coming to? Let the bi’s date the bi’s etc, if your straight don’t mix with that crowd, you won’t be able to hang, trust me.
Advice from a woman who is married to bi-sexual man:
1stly, SEXUALITY DOES NOT DETERMINE INTEGRITY. PERIOD. And since faithfulness has it roots in integrity, sexuality doesn’t determine it any more than race, hair color, height, gender, etc. Each individual makes a CONSCIOUS decision as to whether or not they are going to be faithful.
I agree with Anon’s 2nd to the last paragraph in his comment, so just refer to it concerning the ‘snooping’ thing.
The way I handle any issues with my husband’s interaction with other men is this: how would I feel if the guy in question was a girl? Or in your case, if he was chatting like this with other girls?
Porn is porn. As long as it doesn’t involve children or animals, I don’t make it my business and I don’t (typically) ask. Admittedly, I have checked into the kind of porn my husband looks at, and if I see something that we don’t do, I’ll inquire. However, if he tells me it’s not something he wants to do, and it’s just fun to watch, I let it go. He understands he can talk to me about anything, so I leave it to him to bring up any new or otherwise not previously mentioned desires. And the same goes for him, it’s in my court to come to him with my wants. We just have to make sure to keep an atmosphere that is open to this sort of expression.
Cheating is cheating, and cheating is relative. You and he need to sit down discuss what exactly constitutes cheating in your relationship. This isn’t supposed to be a one time only discussion. Update and confirm often.
Personal Note: He doesn’t need a profile to look at porn. I personally would tell my husband the profile goes (permanently along with any others like it) or I do. It is not acceptable for my husband to show his penis to anyone other than me, a physician for medical reasons, or someone we’re having a three-some with (which hasn’t happened yet, but I like to be thorough). No exceptions, and the same goes for any sexual behavior. I’m a hard-ass about it, but it works for us.
Good luck!
Gfriend, he is lying to you. He’s still on the date site , he’s cheated on you, he says he’s bi because he wants the emotional “thing” with a female…well he’s got a mother for that…make him confess that he’s lying and let go. Spend your time with someone real and honest, not on this dude that wants his cake and eat it too…he’s scum.
Well snoopy,
I can say I relate to your story 100%. It was as if i was writing the story because it sounded like my life story.
I just want to give you my advice, I was seeing my guy for a couple of years and I knew about his past as well. I knew he had hookups with men and was fine with it at first. Then I realize just like you that you he had more gay porns than straight one.
He could never talked about his sexuality around me and was very secretive. Until I noticed he had a profile from the history as well. I wasn’t going to be sneaky but he left it open and I went through it and learned he was lying and still meeting other men for random hook ups.
I’m not telling you that he is probably cheating on you, but I feel you do have the right to be a little sneaky if you are unsure. You should always trust your instincts. This was a very tough situation for me, and still trying to get over it. I hope this helps and for your sake, I hope hes just browsing. 🙂
Talking is always best. I think that it’s not a huge deal that you “snooped” through his browser history. What’s important here is that you had a suspicion that inclined you to do a little snooping. Talking about why you felt this way and also discussing what you found will certainly help clarify things.
As a bi guy myself who seems to have a similar outlook as your boyfriend (as per your description), I might be able to help you out a bit, so I’ll throw in my two cents.
I don’t want to make assumptions, so I’ll explain my situation. I’m sexually liberal. You could describe it as indiscriminate. I don’t lean in one direction or another, but I am more physically attracted to women. I can get aroused from a girl sometimes just from her smile. I usually don’t get aroused by guys unless I’m in a certain mood AND I think about intercourse with them, and even then I don’t have an interest in their bodies. I’m 19. It started when I was around 16. I don’t really remember how it started, but it began with experimentation with anal stimulation. I liked sticking stuff up there, and eventually I wanted to try it with a guy. I do it for relief. I like the real thing, but I’ve had girlfriend who have used strapons on me and that’s perfectly satisfied me.
You’ve said that your boyfriend’s libido is high, which makes me believe that his situation is probably similar to mine, rather than him grappling with his sexuality.
He is on a hookup site, which means he is probably meeting up with guys. I’m sorry. He is probably on it to have random hookups. That’s cheating and you’ll have to discuss that with him. There’s really no excuse for it. It’s inappropriate.
Now, as for your worries about satisfying him–if you are comfortable with it I would recommend getting a strapon.
The only way you can resolve this is by talking to him.
In response to some of the comments–Yeah, I would consider what he is doing to be cheating. He’s not doing it to get into a relationship with someone else. He is probably doing it purely for sex. Regardless of whether or not she could satisfy it (he wouldn’t be able to satisfy her if she were interested in other girls) that’s cheating. Maybe not as severe a form, but cheating nonetheless. He’s still lying.
As for having high ground during the confrontation–I don’t think that this is an issue. For one, her reasons for looking at his history were not because she was snooping to see if he was cheating. She wanted to see what porn he was looking at. That’s sexual. Totally different. Second, it’s WAY different than meeting up with guys for sex.
The only reason someone has to get upset by someone looking at their internet history is if they have something to hide. This isn’t an issue of trust. She clicked a couple of buttons. She wasn’t going out of her way. Should she NOT be allowed to look at the browser’s internet history? Besides, he is breaking her trust. She is perfectly founded in not trusting him now.
Being a bisexual female I do every once and a while engage in sexting and/or cyber sex with women. I am in a relationship with a man and we’ve been together for 3 years. I am, however, always upfront with him about it. I tell him about the women or the things I’ve said and it turns both of us on. I honestly think that snoopy should just ask him about it and see if there’s something she could do (strap on? @$$ play? etc.) and also she should realize that even if he’s chatting with people he may not consider that cheat because it’s only words not actions. she needs to ask herself if she would consider reading an erotic novel cheating? because that’s all sexting/cyber sex is, it’s an interactive erotic novel. talking is the best solution, bring it up tell him your concerns and ask him what he misses about men and how she could fill the void. (no pun intended hehe)
Honey, staying in a relationship even though you are “open minded”will not work for longterm if he has interests outside of your relationship.He clearly has interest in a same sex union whether it be online or in person.I feel that his chatting and keeping himself “available” will increase the possibility of him going outside of your relationship.If it is causing you emotional upset and making you doubt his commitment to you then perhaps you should step back and take a good long look at your situation and who knows absence may make the heart grow fonder! If not at least you will be able to explore your feelings and determine if he is the right man for you.God Bless and be safe out there 🙂
You can’t come to him with a concern about being able to trust him, when you’ve made it clear in two separate instances that you’ve taken advantage of his trust in you in order to snoop.
Yes in the grand scheme, seeing the browser history of a shared computer (its a shared one, right? not his personal one) is not the biggest deal, but it speaks to a pattern of you either not being in a trusting place in the relationship, or looking for something to feel bad about.
It’s true that self-flagellation doesn’t do much good, but you dont exactly have the high ground right now.
In terms of the actual question, looking at porn, or even posting to a hookup site is not the same as going out and sucking random cock.
If he ‘cannot get what he wants at home’, it seems to me that you’d rather he be looking at penises in porn or chatting with random guys online than ‘at the gym’ (unless you guys want to negotiate an open relationship in that sense, which seems like it would be beyond your capacity for trust and communication at this point).
I wouldn’t label him a cheater, but I think it would probably be a good idea to have a general conversation about boundaries in your relationship, both from your side and his side. It may be that he’s looking for something outside the relationship of either gender… it may be that he just gets off on random guys fawning over his penis… it may be that its a profile he put up before you started going out, or when you were dating early.
But if you come at him with “i snooped in your browser history because i couldn’t help myself and i found this thing that made me uncomfortable!”, you have zero leg to stand on when it comes to the moral high ground. And really, who wants to be in a relationship when you have to worry about that kind of thing anyway.
He’s lying to you, and I don’t like it. =[
I think you should talk to him about it. Bring it up, be honest and apologize for snooping. BUT! Don’t self-flagellate for that. You didn’t hack into anything password protected, and thus what you did is way down in the noise.
Why is he not being completely honest in his fantasies? Assure him that you won’t judge him for any fantasies he has, and ask him why he hid these things from you. Emphasize that it’s the dishonesty that’s got you bothered. Ask him why the site’s still up. If he tries to flip this around into a problem with you snooping, he’s probably trying to hide something.
not to try to make an argument but I agree with the top I am pansexual, and I have no problem, your sexual orientation doesn’t tell your faithfulness. In the end if your bi whatever cheating is cheating. If he cheated on you in the past multiple times he’ll do it again it is in human nature to do as such(unless someone changes).
Snoopy says her BF said “He told me early on that he had slept with a handful of men on random hook-up type encounters” and I have to ask how old are you Snoopy and where have you been all your life? Does the word Aids come to mind; random encounters is how much of the HIV virus got spread. Maybe having encounters with men in a couples situation is the better more open way to go. At least have an idea of who the guy is that your BF is doing.
^ I’d say being bi does make him more likely to cheat. I’d say the same of anybody who can’t get what they want at home, like a woman whose guy won’t go down on her or a guy whose gf won’t let him do her from behind.
I don’t think you’re having problems dealing with his bisexuality at all. I think you’re having problems dealing with his faithfulness.
Being bi definitely DOESN’T make him more likely to cheat. Sure, he’s attracted to other people – but so are you – and that says nothing about acting on those urges.
Looking at gay porn also sounds okay to me. It’s a way of indulging those attractions without doing anything about it – and lots of men like different things in porn than in real life, etc.
What gets me is this: Why does he have a profile on a hook-up site if he’s not looking to hook up?
Possibly for you the chatting is cheating, and for him it’s not. But if that’s the case you need to talk about what is meant by ‘cheating’