2/4/11
Your Call: My Husband and I Can’t Compromise on Porn

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:

Dear Em & Lo,

I have a problem with my husband watching porn. He knows I dislike it; I even gave him and alternative once, me or the porn. I thought he chose me. I have sadly realized that he has been watching it and I don’t know for how long now. We don’t have problems with sex other than we don’t get any time to ourselves because of life; i.e. kids, work, tired, whatever.

I grew up with porn in the home and grew up thinking it is disgusting. I have tried to watch it with him, it does nothing for me, and I find it grotesque. I feel that if a man is happy at home, then he doesn’t need to cheat or watch porn. If I am not satisfying him in bed then he needs to tell me, not watch porn. I feel that porn in one sense is a form of cheating. Who is he thinking about when we are having sex, me or the girlfriend, me or the porn?

I don’t know what to do. If he is going to continue to watch porn, I have no desire to have sex with my husband anymore and he knows this and does it anyways. I don’t know what to do. To check his computer for the porn, would only verify that he is watching it, and in the same it violate his privacy, but on the other hand, I can’t just confront him about it because I am afraid he is going to lie to me because he knows I won’t have sex with him anymore.

Lately I have even turned him down because I suspect his porn problem. He has changed in how we have sex that makes me suspect this. I can’t bring myself to have sex with him again until I know. Then I will wonder if he is lying to me. So what do I do?

— Porn Ultimatum

What should P.U. do?

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62 Comments on "Your Call: My Husband and I Can’t Compromise on Porn"

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Michele
Michele
7 months 25 days ago
This makes my blood boil! I recently found my husband watching porn, downloading pictures of naked girls…just one month before our 25th anniversary! He lied about it of course. But after he saw how I was extremely hurt and heart broken, he swore to never do it again. Well, not 2 months later…I found it again! I’m struggling to even stay married to him at this point! You see, my belief is that if you are lusting after another girl, you’ve committed adultery in your heart! That’s CHEATING in my book! It’s been over a month now since the second… Read more »
Tim
Tim
7 months 24 days ago
All men are stimulated by the sight of women starting at a young age and develop a pornographic mind throughout the years, and our brains are hard-wired that way. Just watching a good looking woman fully clothed walking down the street in a tight skirt is a turn on, or just watching the wind blow a skirt back and forth is arousing. With that said any man with a computer will watch porn to satisfy his curiosity, and fulfill his appetite of seeing other women having different kinds of sex, and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, porn is… Read more »
Tim
Tim
11 months 30 days ago
All men are stimulated by the sight of women starting at a young age and develop a pornographic mind throughout the years, and our brains are hard-wired that way. Just watching a good looking woman fully clothed walking down the street in a tight skirt is a turn on, or just watching the wind blow a skirt back and forth is arousing. With that said any man with a computer will watch porn to satisfy his curiosity, and fulfill his appetite of seeing other women having different kinds of sex, and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, porn is… Read more »
toni
toni
1 year 5 days ago

“his porn problem”…? No. It is your porn problem. Your husband is engaging in fantasy material – not cheating on you. Perhaps you could try watching it with him once in awhile and suggesting you could try a few things seen in whatever it is you are seeing.

Johnny
Johnny
4 years 11 months ago
^ Alright, cheating clearly needs a spectrum definition here. Binary cheating/not cheating definitions seem to be failing. So let’s say there’s a 1 to 10 scale. A 1 is a person who never even has erotic thoughts about anyone but their partner. A 5 is, say, a peck on the lips from someone besides your partner. You didn’t initiate it, but you didn’t dodge either. A 10 is a person who has penetrative sex with someone besides their partner. Where would porn fall on such a scale? I’d say 3. A 1 is nothing, a 2 is someone who fantasizes… Read more »
Kati
Kati
4 years 11 months ago
This is hysterical. “Porn is not cheating.” That is BS, it certainly is cheating. It is another naked woman, and if you can say this is not actually cheating; then you can say a woman having a dating profile and chatting to men isn’t cheating! Whatever! He gets his visual stimulation, she gets her emotional stimulate. I am sure he would hate it. Everyone is so wishy washy, it makes me laugh. If it wasn’t bad, they wouldn’t need to sneak and do it. Reality is, it is a bunch of trashy people and I can’t believe anyone would want… Read more »
Susanne
Susanne
5 years 5 months ago

One thing you could do is just see what he’s looking at. It might not be that bad. I found http://FindHisPorn.com works perfectly for this!

Kay
Kay
5 years 6 months ago

Saw a really great article on this very subject
“Why Men Need to Stop Watching So Much Porn”
http://survivingdating.com/?p=2781

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