We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:
Dear Em & Lo,
I have a problem with my husband watching porn. He knows I dislike it; I even gave him and alternative once, me or the porn. I thought he chose me. I have sadly realized that he has been watching it and I don’t know for how long now. We don’t have problems with sex other than we don’t get any time to ourselves because of life; i.e. kids, work, tired, whatever.
I grew up with porn in the home and grew up thinking it is disgusting. I have tried to watch it with him, it does nothing for me, and I find it grotesque. I feel that if a man is happy at home, then he doesn’t need to cheat or watch porn. If I am not satisfying him in bed then he needs to tell me, not watch porn. I feel that porn in one sense is a form of cheating. Who is he thinking about when we are having sex, me or the girlfriend, me or the porn?
I don’t know what to do. If he is going to continue to watch porn, I have no desire to have sex with my husband anymore and he knows this and does it anyways. I don’t know what to do. To check his computer for the porn, would only verify that he is watching it, and in the same it violate his privacy, but on the other hand, I can’t just confront him about it because I am afraid he is going to lie to me because he knows I won’t have sex with him anymore.
Lately I have even turned him down because I suspect his porn problem. He has changed in how we have sex that makes me suspect this. I can’t bring myself to have sex with him again until I know. Then I will wonder if he is lying to me. So what do I do?
— Porn Ultimatum
What should P.U. do?
All men are stimulated by the sight of women starting at a young age and develop a pornographic mind throughout the years, and our brains are hard-wired that way. Just watching a good looking woman fully clothed walking down the street in a tight skirt is a turn on, or just watching the wind blow a skirt back and forth is arousing. With that said any man with a computer will watch porn to satisfy his curiosity, and fulfill his appetite of seeing other women having different kinds of sex, and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, porn is just fantasies or curiosity of what others are doing sexually and he may want to try something new with you. Maybe you and him should watch some passionate movies or soft porn made for women and see how it goes, and it will strengthen your relationship, you pick out the movies.
“his porn problem”…? No. It is your porn problem. Your husband is engaging in fantasy material – not cheating on you. Perhaps you could try watching it with him once in awhile and suggesting you could try a few things seen in whatever it is you are seeing.
^ Alright, cheating clearly needs a spectrum definition here. Binary cheating/not cheating definitions seem to be failing.
So let’s say there’s a 1 to 10 scale. A 1 is a person who never even has erotic thoughts about anyone but their partner.
A 5 is, say, a peck on the lips from someone besides your partner. You didn’t initiate it, but you didn’t dodge either.
A 10 is a person who has penetrative sex with someone besides their partner.
Where would porn fall on such a scale? I’d say 3. A 1 is nothing, a 2 is someone who fantasizes about others, a 3 is someone who watches. Fair?
This is hysterical. “Porn is not cheating.” That is BS, it certainly is cheating. It is another naked woman, and if you can say this is not actually cheating; then you can say a woman having a dating profile and chatting to men isn’t cheating! Whatever! He gets his visual stimulation, she gets her emotional stimulate. I am sure he would hate it. Everyone is so wishy washy, it makes me laugh. If it wasn’t bad, they wouldn’t need to sneak and do it. Reality is, it is a bunch of trashy people and I can’t believe anyone would want their kid growing up to be a porn star. For all the individuals that love this crap, it would serve you right if your child did just that. Then some other perve could watch.
One thing you could do is just see what he’s looking at. It might not be that bad. I found http://FindHisPorn.com works perfectly for this!
Saw a really great article on this very subject
“Why Men Need to Stop Watching So Much Porn”
http://survivingdating.com/?p=2781
Are you the girl in the picture? Porn can be good or bad. It depends, I like watching the beautiful Japanese AV girls and MILF’s for that matter. My wife is a beautiful Chinese but her sex drive is a little lacking and she, like most Chinese girls, is very hindered by thoughts of displeasing her mother. She was taught that porn and masturbation are so bad that these kinds of people should be socially outcast and never trusted, then, she met me, hehe.
The guilt of it all instilled by her mom and sisters is still there and very strong today. So, what should a guy or girl who enjoys porn do? Well, my best friend explained this way. “if you, (the man)brings the porn into the home she will feel left out and unwanted, but if she brings it in then it’s all OK and beautiful” Maybe he’s right…
My wife doesn’t like to do most of the things in such movies, no oral, Oh, she wants licked but when it is her turn to give that she is no where to be found, no anal, no top riding, no other girls or guys and no toys, only very vanilla missionary style is tolerable to her. Very boring, so this is what I did, I started watching porn in bed with her touching her but she just never would turn on to it.
So, then I began to watch and masturbate in bed next to her but in her mind her mother was always right there to see how dirty I was. It got to where I could watch the hot AV girls and when I got really hot finish on her and she was OK with it, but if I masturbated to orgasm she was hurt and felt left out and unwanted. Sometimes bringing yourself to completion is a great feeling that can not be replicated and I tried to teach her how to do it. But instead, the plan backfired.
Eventually one morning when she was to tired to… I put in my favorite dvd and finished myself off while she slept. Then, after that she felt bad all day and at last that evening she broke and cried so hard for so long and felt like I did not want her. I held her and comforted her and assured her she was everything to me. I mentioned that I fill her needs just fine as they weren’t much, but the porn filled my needs where she left off. In her reality she never would understand, she only knows what her mom would think, unacceptable. She is Chinese and they think differently, but she is still a woman and they think the same.
It’s even deeper, she is the one who first brought a porno movie home that her friend gave her, it was hot and American, called ‘The Young Like it Hot’. It was very vanilla and a little humorous. But she did not expect me to masturbate through it, I just could not help myself, hehe. I knew from that night she never masturbated or knew what it was or how to use it. So,now, she is still a once or twice a month fuck,the rest of the time I watch the porn and she knows, but she still feels cheated when she catches me or suspects it. She does see some humor it though because she knows she really is as pretty as the Japanese AV girls are, but not that kind of hot under the covers, just warm, so she has come to terms with the fact that even though I love to watch the Japanese porn girls I really still do love her the most because if I didn’t I could just leave and find one of them.
You should find that realization TOO and not be jealous of the big screen porn girls. They’re not really in your bed, and if he did not watch them how do know what he is thinking. He could be thinking about the neighbor’s beautiful daughter getting off the school bus. And lastly, I don’t know what you look like, the girl in the picture above is beautiful, just like my wife, are you? And even then, there is really nothing to be jealous of, it’s all just for imagination. Are you really that kind of beautiful that he should only be dreaming you or are you fat, ugly and not very hygienic? Look in the mirror and see if what you have to offer is really that good. I’ll bet not. I have had dirty hillbilly girlfriends in my past that were very jealous just like you and I had to dump them. Also, check your birth signs, that can also be a root cause of the problem. Good Luck
I feel so sorry for you . Unfortunately society has mainstreamed this awful behavior. I wrote a book for teenagers that we need to be sharing with young people so they don’t grow up to be like your husband.
Please take a look at it and then make it the standard for raising your children. Maybe they will end up with healthier and happier relationships. Of course that will be difficult with a porn addict in your home but that’s an issue for you to deal with in marriage counseling.
The porn chapter starts on pg. 33
http://www.scribd.com/doc/44437016/Teenagers-Say-the-Darndest-Things
“We don’t have problems with sex other than we don’t get any time to ourselves because of life; i.e. kids, work, tired, whatever.”
I know for sure that’s what my wife would say. However, it’s not at all a “we” situation. She says we don’t have time and she’s too tired, but she’s always got time and energy to watch a few hours of television every single night.
You should be grateful that your husband has an outlet for his libido.
If you can’t be with a partner who looks at porn, you probably can’t be in a heterosexual relationship.
I think PU and Megs both need serious therepy if they’re not going already. The idea that it’s cheating is nonsense. The studies don’t support it. Masturbating to porn is just fantasy. No different than fantasy football.
I feel for PU and the trauma she endured but it wasn’t the porn or the masturbating that abused her. It was a mentally ill relative that did that to her. The only way you’re going to understand and heal from that is by undergoing extensive psychotherepy.
I look at porn and masturbate daily, I’ve never turned my wife down for sex ever. She is a once a month person, but we have it once a week as a compromise. My wife and I are on different schedules so sex is very hard for us except on the weekends. So during the week I masturbate to porn to fill my urge for an orgasm.
What else people don’t understand is that porn fills a space that keeps people faithful in their marriage. I’ll give you an example. I get really turned on by my wife when she wears control top pantyhose. I love watching her put them on, I love when she wears them to work, and I love having sex with her wearing them. This is something she is not into everytime we have sex. I could very easily cheat on her and find a woman that fills my need of pantyhose on legs. I love my wife and get my urges met with masturbation and the bevy of women on the internet wearing control top pantyhose. Does that mean I want to leave my wife and run off with the model wearing the pantyhose? Hell no. She could probably be a control freak or a lesbian. I am masturbating to her for one thing and one thing only. Her legs in pantyhose. Just fantasy.
So there is some good things associated with masturbation and porn.
Wow – that’s a whole lot of relevant context. No doubt everyone, including me, might have responded differently had that been included in the original letter.
Ok, here’s my revised answer. If things are truly as you say – you’re a nice, loving and attentive wife who never busts his balls, and really the only thing you’ve ever asked him to change is his porn consumption, and THAT request stems from actual sexual abuse – then yeah, your stance on this suddenly seems not so crazy.
That said, I still think the reality of getting anyone to change anything is an uphill battle, and one that’s best avoided if possible. Good luck.
I was in a similar situation with my husband. I personally find porn to be cheating, I know that many people don’t agree with that position and that’s fine with me. I made this stance clear early on in my relationship and he allegedly stopped. My husband and I have very different sex drives (ie I want it at least five times a day and he’s a twice a weeker) so when he was turning to porn instead of me it was beyond insulting and hurtful because he knew that at any moment I would be ready to be down and dirty with him. The first time he confessed (during actual intercourse… which was pretty much the worst time to break that kind of news) I was devastated. But I forgave him and we moved on, only to have it happen again a few months later. That time I issued the ultimatum and we sought counseling in an attempt to get on the same page in terms of the ways we view sex and sexuality.
PU, after reading your story I think you have every right to issue that ultimatum, but urge you to go to a counselor. We’re currently going to a Catholic priest (we’re not Catholic) and it has done wonders for our marriage. Honestly, if he really loved you he’d respect you. Give him a chance to make amends and if he doesn’t I’d divorce him. Constantly being rejected and not being a priority will continue to break you down until there is nothing left.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this challenge, you’ll be in my thoughts.
Ok, I have read through almost every single post. Here’s a few things that need to be said. Now brace yourselves ladies and for all the judgemental people that responded, you kind of asked for this. 17 years ago, when I met my husband, as we grew closer everyday, he had to find out some harsh truths about me and my life. I grew up in a household where if the news wasn’t on, porn was. I was molested by my father, you know, the guy always watching the porn in my “home.” My husband knew all of this. I suffer from PTSD because of all the crap I went through as a child. My husband knew this before HE asked me to marry him. He knew how I felt about porn. Here are some facts: he managed to get me to allow us having sex to be taped. I can’t watch it. He doesn’t watch it. I have, unbelievably, a really high sex drive. I am the one that wants it 3-4 maybe even 5 times a day. He doesn’t. I do not masturbate. I can’t bring myself to do it. I have a hard time climaxing as it is, but he works wonders and I do. I CHOOSE to have sex with my husband. I have never stepped out on him. I do not do anything that he does not want me to do, and if I do and he tells me that he does not want me to do it, I make sure to remember it and never do it again. I am not a complainer, whiner, nagger, nor do I need to know where he is every minute of the day. I have the almost perfect marriage. The imperfection is he watches porn. I cook, clean, take care of all of the kids, file the taxes, secretary our company,and tend to his needs. He doesn’t have many. I do not complain about much. I have hard days, he asks, I tell him about my day, as he tells me about his day. I would leave but I am happy, he provides for me very well. I even “service him” when he wants me to without reciprocation. I do not ask much of him, we live the lifestyle we do because he wants to, I could do without half the stuff we have. I want my husband to look at me and tell me he wants me instead of staying in his office till midnight because he is watching his porn. What am I doing? Sitting in the living room falling asleep on the couch bored out of my mind. When I try to get his attention, I get “in a minute.” He knew everything thing there was to know BEFORE HE asked me to marry him. I know plenty of guys that would love to be with me without the porn. But I love my husband. Why can’t he respect me enough to give up the one thing I ask him to do?
pik, we’ll see if we can get her to weigh on! Hopefully she’s not too shy…
interesting… the overwhelming majority of the responses thus far agree that it’s not cheating and/or she is overreacting (i agree on both counts!) but i’d really like to know what SHE thinks after seeing that so many people feel this way. will she feel any differently about the situation, or act differently towards her husband? for her sake and that of the marriage, i hope so!
so my only real comment, which is unbearably lame, is that i hope she has a comment. i’d love to see what she thinks.