We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:
Dear Em & Lo,
I have a problem with my husband watching porn. He knows I dislike it; I even gave him and alternative once, me or the porn. I thought he chose me. I have sadly realized that he has been watching it and I don’t know for how long now. We don’t have problems with sex other than we don’t get any time to ourselves because of life; i.e. kids, work, tired, whatever.
I grew up with porn in the home and grew up thinking it is disgusting. I have tried to watch it with him, it does nothing for me, and I find it grotesque. I feel that if a man is happy at home, then he doesn’t need to cheat or watch porn. If I am not satisfying him in bed then he needs to tell me, not watch porn. I feel that porn in one sense is a form of cheating. Who is he thinking about when we are having sex, me or the girlfriend, me or the porn?
I don’t know what to do. If he is going to continue to watch porn, I have no desire to have sex with my husband anymore and he knows this and does it anyways. I don’t know what to do. To check his computer for the porn, would only verify that he is watching it, and in the same it violate his privacy, but on the other hand, I can’t just confront him about it because I am afraid he is going to lie to me because he knows I won’t have sex with him anymore.
Lately I have even turned him down because I suspect his porn problem. He has changed in how we have sex that makes me suspect this. I can’t bring myself to have sex with him again until I know. Then I will wonder if he is lying to me. So what do I do?
— Porn Ultimatum
What should P.U. do?
Thank you, Amanda, for pointing that out. That’s exactly what it boils down to.
If here were wanking himself out to porn, and not leaving enough for his wife, HE would be the problem.
If he were getting in trouble for looking at porn on his work computer, HE would be the problem.
If he were obsessed with porn, looking at it for hours and hours, HE would be the problem.
If he were spending the kids’ college money on webcam girls, HE would be the problem.
If he discreetly and moderately enjoys porn during private moments, but his wife is determined to react like it’s one of the above scenarios, SHE is the problem.
Given the info in the letter, it sounds like this is only a problem because she’s making it one!
So theres no problem with your sex life, it was not interfearing in your relationship until you made it interfere. The only problem is you don’t like it? That seems awefully selfish to me. My advice would be to get over it. By not giving him sex he will watch it more, may cheat or leave you.
^I don’t think I’m hostile, Black Iris, just a pragmatist and a realist. I think she’s being highly unreasonable about this, and I strongly doubt that this unreasonable streak just popped up now, just over this.
If I had money on this I’d wager that she has deep-seated control issues and a love of high drama across the board… not just the porn thing.
… but that’s just speculation. Sticking to the porn thing, I didn’t say she’s a horrible wife. But her behavior here is way out of line. Again, I bet it’s out of line all over the place, cause these things never exist in a vacuum, but hey, speculating…
^ I try to avoid celebrity gossip, so I’ll have to take your word for it, Black Iris. But from what I remember, Jesse James was painted as quite the heel for that. I don’t think anyone, particularly the female tabloid-consuming public, accepted his cries of “trauma” as any kind of excuse for his behavior. Personally I think it’s kind of pathetic that Mr. Toughguy Tattood Biker Jesse James would try to work the victim angle.
@HoochyMama – Assuming you’re not a guy trying to be a wiseacre, why not tell the married guys to go back to their wives and work out their problems? No doubt their wives wish they would be more romantic or do more around the house or say they’re unhappy and go to counseling.
If the guys seriously want to stay with their wives, they need to keep their pants zipped. Nothing breaks up a marriage like an affair. It also is a surefire way to make sure that the breakup is nasty and costs you more money.
Well, I like to respond to the letter before I read the comments. I can’t believe the judgmental hostility being directed at the poor wife here.
“You have to let me watch porn” is an ultimatum. It is not open discussion. In any case, this guy did agree and now he is lying. It is not a white lie, just a lie. They have a problem to get past before she will even want to have sex with him.
Johnny where is the hostility coming from that makes you suggest she must be a terrible wife just because she doesn’t want her husband to watch porn?
“Men like porn, you have to accept it” is not some absolute ultimatum from God. Men were jerking off for thousands of years before photos of naked women were invented. The Internet makes it hard to control yourself by avoiding porn, but porn really isn’t necessary. And what if I said, “women are disgusted by porn, you have to give it up to have a relationship.” We’d just be stuck.
The problem here is two people who love each other and have gotten stuck in a battle that could break them apart. She finds porn disgusting – that’s a normal reaction. He wants to use porn – that’s also normal. He lied, she doesn’t trust him. The two of them need to work out something that will make both of them happy.
My personal take on it – he doesn’t need to use porn. She doesn’t need to start liking it. They need help getting past what he’s done and working out a new arrangement. Maybe they can find nicer porn that she likes, maybe not. As a busy parent, I suspect that it might not be a bad idea for them to spend more time together romantically. That could be part of the problem, although no one should be calling her names over it. First they needs to start talking, preferably with a professional therapist who has a record for fixing marriages.
@Johnny – Well, Sandra Bullock’s husband Jesse James cited trauma as the reason he cheated all over the place. So it happens.
I don’t know anything about the writer of the letter or your old relationship, but I think it’s reasonable for a woman who was abused to ask her husband to not use porn.
The two of you need to get into marital counseling pronto. You’re not having sex and you don’t trust him. Look for a counselor who is committed to solving problems and preserving marriages. You should also talk to them about the porn issue – you need someone who can respect your aversion for the porn without condemning your husband.
If porn really bothers you, you shouldn’t have to get over it. A lot of porn is disgusting and most of it is aimed at guys’ tastes, not girls. You’ve tried looking at it with him, you did your part.
Guys, porn may not be cheating, but it affects what we think of you and we need to respect you to love you.
I suspect you have a bigger problem, though. Has your sex life and your romance gotten pushed aside by the rest of your life? Couples need to have fun not just work/kids/chores. Maybe you can forgive him for having used porn and then go forward from there.
You also obviously have a huge trust issue the two of you are going to have to work out. It may take a while and like I said, I think you’ll need help with it.
Finally, the two of you might want to consider looking for female-friendly porn. Maybe your husband would be willing to watch something with you that didn’t disgust you.
^ I’ve missed you, Mml. L. !
Yeah, seriously, about the trauma thing. Not that there’s any indication from the original letter that there was any actual ‘trauma’. Just sounds like she found her dads/brothers’ porn and thought it was gross and pervy.
The trauma thing gets old fast. You have to play that card sparingly, because it devalues quickly. If you cry ‘trauma’ to get your way every time something comes up, your partner stops taking it seriously. And it seems that women who do this always do so in a context of treating someone else really unfairly (I actually don’t know any men who do this, which isn’t to say men never do; also, very few women I know actually do this. But I’ve seen it, and I’ve even dated women who do it).
As for “scarring from childhood.” A lot of us have it. And….? It shouldn’t effect our relationships, as as adults we should have dealt with it.
There are two choices when this has happened;
1) Use the “trauma” to avoid, get rid of and disengage from every single thing you don’t care for, using “the trauma” as an excuse.
OR
2) Woman-Up and deal with it. No one wants to hear, (whining) “But, I FEEL….” constantly. Especially not men. And ultimatums? Ridiculous. No one responds well to that kind of emotional abuse. (Which is what she is doing. Abusing her husband emotionally and psychologically.)
Was she scarred? What does that have to do with his desire to watch some sex on the computer or a DVD? If she chooses not to watch it with him, that is her choice.
Does he decide that if she watches “The Bachelor” or an other stupid romantic comedy one more time, he has the right to leave HER? (Because those are degrading to men.) No, of course not.
This woman needs to find a way to deal. Get into therapy, ignore it, realize that people have different needs, whatever it takes.
I don’t know what you were exposed to as a child, it probably wasn’t good, I don’t believe a child should be aware of porn habits of their parents. Your husband is not your father and you are not your mother. Maybe you need to talk with a professional if you have major scarring from your childhood.(Not a judgement) You don’t say that your husband is staying up late or not coming to bed because of a porn addiction. Maybe he needs professional help if that is the case.
It sounds to me however that you are both basically normal people. Women and men are wired differently in many ways. As a man I feel the need for release far more often than my wife. We have been married for more than 30 yrs and our needs are just different. It doesn’t mean that either of us are right or wrong. My wife is still very self conscious of her body and doesn’t feel comfortable when I look at her naked. I do look at porn and it does not make me desire or appreciate my wife less in any way. I don’t expect my wife to be like a porn star any more than I believe cartoons or TV shows are real. It sounds like you do love each other, responsibilities of living: jobs, children, friends, families etc all interfere with giving each other time and attention for your relationship. If your marriage is healthy and you want it to stay that way you need to talk to your husband and find a middle ground. You can’t realistically demand no porn any more than he can demand that you get him off every time he gets an erection.
I’ve never commented on this site before, but I feel compelled to do so this time.
None of Em & Lo’s readers know exactly what bad experiences this woman had with porn in her childhood, so no one has really has a right to tell her that she’s wrong. The best advice that was given is that she needs to engage in open, honest dialogue with her husband about this and any underlying issues, and that ultimatums have no place in a relationship. A compromise of some sort is surely the optimum outcome.
However, I’m frankly a little appalled at some of the abrasive, judgmental comments that I’ve read. Not everyone agrees with the idea of porn, and not everyone agrees it has a place in the home. Maybe she thinks it’s disgusting because sex is an intimate act, and to her, porn seems to violate that. Telling someone flat out, “Porn is not cheating. It is not wrong. YOU are wrong,” is never an effective or welcomed way to give advice.
There were some excellent suggestions given, but after being an avid reader of this site for awhile now, I was really disappointed in the assumptions made and forceful, snarky opinions given.
I don’t watch porn at all i just am a chronic masturbator. I just do it, and my wife has the audacity to ask me to stop what I am doing in the bathroom so she can give birth, that was so selfish on her part. Our child wasn’t born yet. Some people don’t need porn.
Referring back to rachel’s response, this really is something they should have discovered while they were dating. They’re both irresponsible for failing to identify it, and then having kids on top of that. It might be difficult for either of them to just “get over it” and change. This is why I like the practice of many churches that require engaged couples to receive premarital counseling.
P.S. My answer changes if he lied about his porn attitudes.
If your husband would rather masturbate to porn rather than have sex with you than you might have a point. Mens sexual urges are more often than womens. We need to release more than you.
I don’t understand what your problem is with porn. When your husband is looking at porn he’s not comparing it to you. It’s just fantasy.
There was a study that most men prefer women with curves or everyday women over wafer thin women you see on magazines and porn.
http://www.ajc.com/news/gwinnett/researcher-curvy-women-like-324813.html
So either you need to see a therapist or get over it. Men masturbate to porn.