All posts by Em & Lo

Dream Interpretation: I Keep Finding Babies
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Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I am 33 years old and in my second marriage. I have 2 boys from my previous marriage and cannot have anymore children. My current husband is quite fine being their dad, and their father is deceased. Sometimes I think I would love to have a little girl.

I keep having a recurring dream several times a month where i find an abandoned baby. The baby has been different races and sexes. In my dream I am very happy and love the baby dearly. I guard the baby because I don’t want anyone to know I have the baby, for fear the person who abandoned it will want it back, or child services will take it away.

The baby is found in very random places (one was under a car in an empty parking lot). In my dream I often get the strong feeling I want to adopt the baby but don’t know how to do it legally without involving other people that may make me lose the baby.

Very curious as to what this dream means. One time in the dream I went to my mom and asked her to have her RN friend forge a birth certificate that she’d seen me give birth to it. I am often filled with fear in my dream that someone will take it back when they know I have the baby. I never STEAL the baby. I FIND it.

Lauri: Babies in dreams are very common, even when one does not want another baby. Remember, dreams do not speak literally but rather symbolically. So the babies you keep dreaming of are not about a new addition to the family but rather a new addition to YOU! A baby is a new life, so in dreams they will represent a new life for the dreamer.

The interesting thing about your baby dreams is that rather than giving birth to the baby, you are finding an abandoned baby. That’s an important detail. So it seems there is some new element to your life — but not an element of your doing, such as writing a book or starting a group, but instead a new element where you may be picking up where someone else left off.

There’s also a lot of legal concern in this dream, which may very well mean there is legal concern over something you want to take on in your real life. If not actual legal concern, then moral concern.

So: What endeavor or idea are you wanting to take on as your own lately? Your dream seems to be saying that, despite your concerns, this endeavor needs you as much as you need it.

Visit Lauri’s brand new site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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The Best Kisses from Getty Images, Part 1
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When you do a search for “sex” on Getty Images, you get a lot of interesting results — so many, in fact, that we were compelled to create a superlative series of Getty “sex” search images. Today’s installment highlights the best kisses — actually, there were so many we had to present them in two installments (stay tuned for Part 2 next week). Mwah!

Question of the Week: Who’s the Hottest World Cup Player?
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photo via Flickr

Riots, schmiots — let’s get to what really matters: who’s the hottest World Cup player? Seriously, we want to know. List your top picks in the comments below, even if they’re already out of the running by now. (If we get enough nominations, we’ll run a hot-off in poll-form next week.)

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Amy Schumer Doesn’t Feel Bad About Your Abortion
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We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: We fucking love Amy Schumer. She’s spit-your-drink funny and she’s feminist, whether she’s talking about casual sex or body image or fisting… or abortion. On this latter topic she particularly tickles us: We’d always assumed that a good abortion joke was hard to pull off, but Amy Schumer makes it seem as easy as, well, Plan B. She even calls it “aborsh”! Here are our five favorite Amy Schumer abortion jokes:

1. “I have an excuse, actually, why I’ve been drinking so much. I haven’t said this out loud yet — this is exciting — I’m drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody’s being evicted.”

2. [On Her Best Friend’s Pregnancy] “I’ll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, ‘You guys, I’m keeping this one.”

3. “It’s a weird age. They’re like, ‘Amy, I’m pregnant.’ And I still don’t know whether to be like, ‘Congratulations,’ or ‘Do you need a ride?'”

4. “There’s nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her — because the kid can tell.”

And yes, yes, we know that Plan B is not an abortion, but “4 quotes about abortion and one about the morning after pill” just didn’t have the same ring to it…

5. “You feel like such a dirty whore buying Plan B. It is so embarrassing because it’s over the counter but you have to ask your pharmacist, and they know what you want but they make you ask. They’re lookin’ at me, I’m like, you see where my eyeliner is, just give it to me.”

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Top 5 Love Lessons from The Bachelorette (Andi in Italy)
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screenshot from ABC’s “The Bachelorette”

  1. For the love of all that’s clean and right and good, wash your hands after you go to the bathroom! And not just when you’re on a date — every time.
  2. When on a date, don’t talk about how bad you are in bed, even if you’re just joking, for the truth is spoken in jest.
  3. Don’t give your date reason to paraphrase Shakespeare and say “Methinks thou doth protest too much.” (Getting all huffy over a playful lie detector test suggests you’ve got a lot to hide.)
  4. Straight men, please don’t have more cleavage than your female date. (We’re talking to you, Cody.)
  5. “Farting in the public” is okay, just make sure you don’t do it in the vicinity of your date.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 06-23-14
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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
When Billy Ocean told that woman to “get out of my dreams and into my car,” it was kind of endearing. But on you, it just looks like stalking.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Okay, this week, you’re Kim Basinger in 9 and 1/2 Weeks. You’re about to meet Mickey Rourke. It’ll be totally hot: Your partner will be bold, aggressive, domineering, there will be some late night nookie in front of the fridge, a little strip-teasing, some cross-dressing. It will be exciting . . . for a while, but then you’ll start to wonder where you fit in, you’ll question who you really are and what you want out of this relationship. You’ll see the future, and Mickey’s fat, drunk, overly nipped-and-tucked face does not look bright. You’ll get bored, and you’ll realize it’s time to move on. So, when you meet your Mickey this week, shake hands and just walk away, because you already know how the movie ends.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The karma boomerang will be in full effect this week: Get out and do something for your community (or at least donate some cold hard cash to a worthy cause) and you may meet a honey in the course of making this world a better place.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Oh, Cancer, be-have! Actually, don’t, we love it when you’re naughty like that. Most of all, we love your perspective: You don’t see a roomful of strangers at a party, you see a roomful of people you haven’t yet flirted with. But remember, like attracts like: If you morph overnight from sexual aggressor into clingy relationship-hound, chances are you won’t get breakfast in bed.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ll be like that Snuggle teddy bear this week — all cute and warm and, well, snuggly. Someone will actually find this endearing. Someone else will understandably find it nauseating. Your trick is to figure out who’s who. Shouldn’t be too hard — just stay away from those who turn a greener shade of pea soup when you start getting “precious.”

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Look, just because you had three cups of coffee for breakfast and a bowl of sugar for lunch, doesn’t mean the rest of us are as excitable and hyperactive as you. Put a helmet on before you hurt yourself. Better yet, offer the person you’re throwing yourself at a helmet. Better yet, keep the helmet because you’re gonna need it when they drop you to the curb.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You know how when you get drunk so you’ll feel better, you always feel doubly bad the next morning — depressed and hungover? Well, slumming it in the sack just ’cause you’re lonely is the same thing. There, there, it’s going to be alright. Come here and give your Auntie Em and Auntie Lo a big hug. Next week things will all be (slightly) better.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Do it! What are you waiting for?! Act now! Don’t hesitate! Hurry, hurry! It’s do or die! Jump in with both feet! The early bird gets the worm! Why are we shouting?!

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You should prepare to have a good time this week. Of course, “good time” is a very personal, subjective thing, and so is prepping for it. If your idea of a good time is winning at Connect 4, then don’t bother shaving your naughty bits. There’s a vice versa in there somewhere, but it makes us blush just to think about it.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
In the past, fidelity came easy to you: It was hard enough just finding one person who wanted to sleep with you. You may have thought you were this sweet, loyal boyfriend or girlfriend, but you were actually just blessed by circumstance. Now comes the true test with multiple love options this week. If you’re going to juggle, don’t lie about it. It’ll backfire and then you’ll have no one to sleep with and you’ll be a bad person.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
It’s hard to let go of a grudge sometimes. We’re gluttons for punishment — yeah, the punishment of others. It’s a very selfish, very satisfying thing. But if you don’t let go of your latest grudge, it may get in the way of you getting laid. Forgiveness can be a totally selfish act, too. Yippee!

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
A relationship that goes from zero to sixty in the blink of an eye is just as likely to hit the wall at sixty and crash and burn. Consider yourself warned. If you’re not prepared to give up reckless driving just yet, then at least fasten your seatbelt.

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A Fantastic Guide to Couples Massage (with No Sensitive Ponytail Men!)
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Melt: Massage for Couples

When Denis Merkas, founder of “Melt: Massage for Couples,” asked us to review his online video series, we admit we were a bit trepidatious: images of sensitive ponytail men came to mind, the sound of cheesy tantric sitars filled our imaginations, and we thought we could suddenly smell a hint of patchouli in the air.

But it turns out, we had nothing to worry about!

CouplesMassageCourses.com offers an informative, beautifully shot, sophisticated series of easy-to-follow instructional videos that can inspire couples to touch each other a little more deliberately and thoughtfully to make their lives together better (seriously, just watching the 2-minute promo below made us both want to be better partners). In each video, massage therapist Merkas — who has 13 years experience and has been perfecting these techniques for mass audiences since 2006 — tells you clearly what to do and why. His assistant in the videos is his own wife Emma — but before you start to worry the two are some HBO-ish “Real Sex,” hippy-dippy, swinging couple, rest assured, they’re adorable. And within the first minute of the quick intro video (see below), they make it clear their clothes are staying on: they provide the perfect back-rub techniques, then you can take it from there.

Here’s what we really liked about “Melt”:

  • Style: The website is beautifully designed. The videos are tastefully shot. Even their interstitial graphics are cool.
  • Charm: As host and instructor, Merkas seems like a genuinely nice guy who takes his job — and his wife’s pleasure — very seriously. But not too seriously. There’s a fine line between sophisticated seriousness and cheesy earnestness, and Merkas never crosses over to the dark side, even when he uses terms like “mushy mushy yum yum.” His cute Australian accent certainly doesn’t hurt!
  • Humor: We are automatically big fans of anyone who uses a Mr. Miyagi “wax on, wax off” reference when talking about massage do’s and don’ts.
  • Ease: Rather than one long daunting video that’s too intimidating to begin, Merkas breaks up the instruction into short, easy-to-process vids that are meticulously organized so you can ease into things, jump around, and review any specific technique you like at your own pace. Every technique is broken down and explained well with cute, easy-to-remember terms like “Train Tracks” and “The Cat Walk.”
  • Insider tips: No need for a massage table or other fancy props, just some useful tricks to make a sensual massage even better (for example, who knew the best place for a couples massage is not on the bed?!).
  • Choreographed routines: Included in the package are three massage “routines” — one 5 minutes, one 15 minutes, and one 30 minutes — that you can follow along with after you’ve mastered the various individual moves. Best part: Merkas offers each routine with or without commentary (hey, blindfold your partner and use the vids as a sort of silent cheat sheet!).
  • Effectiveness: Just ask Lo’s husband, who’s been in a zombie-like state of total bliss since she used him as her guinea pig.

Unlimited lifetime access to these back rub massage routines and instructional videos is $99. That’s just as expensive, if not less expensive, than a date night out. So turn down the overheads, light some candles, and plan a great date night in with “Melt: Massage for Couples.”

 

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8 Ways to Overcome Anxiety About a Gynecologist Visit
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photo via flickr

Nervous about going to the gynecologist? That’s a bummer.

Okay, that’s all the sympathy you’re going to get from us, because you’ve got to get over it. Your health is at stake, especially once you’re sexually active — and there’s nothing more important.

We all have to do things we don’t like: take our vitamins, shovel snow when it’s blocking the front door, pay our taxes, leave the womb. But we do it; we just get it over with as quickly and with as little fanfare as possible — and it ultimately makes our lives easier and better. When you were a kid, you certainly didn’t want to get your shots, but you had to, your parents made you, you didn’t have a choice — and at the time, you probably thought you were going to die. But you didn’t. And because you got the shots, you’ve avoided getting terrible diseases which could have killed you. See, better!*

Yes, there are much more enjoyable things to do than go to the gynecologist, but it’s hardly a visit to Gitmo. You lie back, bend your knees, spread your legs, breathe deeply, and try to relax while your gyno takes a look down there (more deets from Dr. Kate here). It usually takes less than two minutes, though our nerves can make it feel like fifteen. It’s not painful, just a bit uncomfortable and awkward.

Here are 8 things we’d recommend to make the whole thing less daunting, i.e. more comfortable and less awkward:

1. Get a mirror and start probing yourself. It’s sounds hippy-dippy, but the better you know your own body, the more empowered you’ll be. Doctors are often scary because they hold all this knowledge that you don’t. Even the playing field a bit by getting down there and taking a look around. Feel inside with your fingers. You can even order your own speculum from a female-friendly place like GoodVibrations so you can see what your gyno can see. (Just be sure to read up on proper procedure.) Plus it’ll get you familiar with the feeling.

2. Love your vagina. We know talk of speculums and beaver shots may sound gross, but there’s nothing gross about your body. Try to have happy, positive thoughts about your bod, especially your genitals — learn to love them, and then you’ll want to take care of them by going to the doctor regularly.

3. Go to a doctor that comes highly recommended. Ask around and find out who among your friends and family has a great gyno — then, assuming she’s in your health care company’s network, go to her. And we do mean her — having a person who can empathize with your body parts, and not inadvertently make you feel even more self-conscious while your pants are off really makes a difference, at least in our book. But just because a gynecologist is a woman, doesn’t automatically mean she’ll have a great bedside manner (which is why you need the personal recommendation), but the odds are probably better with a lady doc.

4. Have a close friend or family member be your wingwoman: Explain that you’re nervous and ask for help. Make the appointment for a time they can come along with you. Have them pick you up and go with you to the appointment. If you’re really scared, then them come into the exam room with you (just get clearance from the doc’s office beforehand). Have them hold your hand, make eye contact with you and distract you with small talk during the exam. Don’t worry about being perceived as a wimp — if it makes you feel better and keeps you up on the exam table, that’s all that matters. If you’re there, you’re not a wimp.

5. Tell your gyno that you’re nervous. Sounds basic, we know, but if she knows you’re nervous (we’re guessing the wingwoman will be a hint!) she can make a special effort to talk you through what she’s doing as she’s doing it. (The best gynos do this as a matter of course, which is just one more reason to get a recommendation).

6. Learn how to relax, physically and mentally. Take some yoga classes, do your kegels, get in the habit of breathing deeply and abdominally, perhaps even look to somewhere like https://fldispensaries.com/ to find some natural products that will help you keep calm — because the more tense you are, the more uncomfortable it’s going to be. Natural products like CBD are well-known for calming anxiety, including any you may have about these visits. You can take it in any way you want to, whether that be oil, capsules, gummies, edibles or cbd hash.

7. Schedule your appointment in the afternoon so you can go to lunch and have a glass of wine first. Either that, or partake in that online weed you save for anxious moments. Then, make sure you have something fun to do with your friend afterwards, so you have something to look forward to. But make a pact with yourself that you can’t do the fun thing unless you go to the doc first.

8. Check yourself: If you think there’s a chance your anxiety stems from some past trauma you haven’t dealt with emotionally, seek professional therapy, and look for options to help (such as i49.net/california/anaheim, which sells medical marijuana products that could help calm your anxiety). This is not to say, of course, that your anxiety necessarily has a root cause — it’s perfectly natural to be nervous about a gyno visit with no past trauma at all.

Be sure to check out Dr. Kate’s take on gynecologist fears here (after all, she’s a nice woman who looks at vaginas all day long!)

*Let’s save debates about vaccinations for another website.

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Dream Interpretation: Can a Dream Reveal the Father of My Baby?
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photo via flickr

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I had sex with more than one guy and don’t know who is the father of my baby. All day and all night I think of one guy, I dream about us getting back together, us fighting, him loving his baby. I dream about the time we had sex — every dream I have is about him, and when I’m not dreaming, I think about him. What does this mean?

Lauri: You’re dreaming about this one guy so much because you think about him so much. You see, we tend to dream about what is on our mind the most. Clearly, of all the guys you’ve been with, he’s the one you have feelings for.

Do these dreams mean he IS the father? Maury Povich could answer that more accurately than these dreams. But what they are telling you is this: He is the one you sure hope is the father. In addition, they are also trying to help you come to terms with your situation.

Your dreams of fighting with him are you trying to deal with your own inner conflict about your situation and how you are alone right now. When you dream you are back together, on one level it is because that is your desire, but on another, it is you trying to come to peace with your circumstance.

What I can tell you with 100% certainty is that these dreams are going to continue to nag you until you find out who the father is. The dreaming mind does not like complacency or unresolved issues, so it will nag us to death until we take care of what is left hanging. Find out who the father is then take it from there. Good luck, and sweet dreams!

Dreamer’s response: Yeah, somehow at the back of my head I knew that it has to be about feelings. I love how you interpreted it though. You didn’t say what I want so desperately to hear, which is that he is the father. But you didn’t lie — so much better. The thoughts and dreams continue but I will find a solution. Thank you!

Visit Lauri’s brand new site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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The 15 Cheesiest “Sex” Photos from Getty Images (NSFW)
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When you do a search for “sex” on Getty Images, you get a lot of interesting results — so many, in fact, that we were compelled to create a superlative series of Getty “sex” search images. Today’s installment highlights the ones that gave us the most second-hand embarrassment. Enjoy! (Or should we say try to…)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comment of the Week: Porn Is No Biggie
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photo via Flickr

Reader Jessica wrote the following in response to our post, “Wise Guys: He Looks at Other Women But Gets Jealous If I Ogle Men“:

I used to be one of those women, when I was younger, who would fly off the handle if I saw my boyfriend looking at another woman. After going through a terrible marriage, I realize there are far worse things out there your man could do.  As long as my boyfriend doesn’t stare for a longer period of time than normal, or try and talk or smile at the other women, I’m o.k.  Let’s be real ladies, we look at men just as much as men look at women and our “girl talks” would make any man blush if they knew what we talked about. I enjoy admiring a beautiful woman, too.  Women are physically beautiful and so are men.  Porn is healthy, get over it.  My boyfriend and I enjoy it together and when we are apart.  If you restrict someone so much, they are going to do something far worse then watch porn.  So ladies lighten up a bit and enjoy your man.  As long as he isn’t cheating on you or lying, you have a good one.

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Why Do Men Masturbate When They’re Having Regular Sex?
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photo via flickr

Wise Guys is a regular column offering advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Why do men masturbate in relationships, even when the sex is good and regular?”

Straight Married Guy (Ben): Every guy has a regular masturbation frequency (RMF) that is more or less unchangeable (though over the long-term, factors which usually have nothing to do with sex — like age or stress — can influence it). Take however many orgasms a guy’s already having with his partner and multiply it by his RMF — that’s how much a guy will masturbate. For example, a friend tells you his RMF is 1.3, so if he’s had a total of 3 orgasms with his partner in the past week, you multiply that by 1.3 to get the number of times he’ll want to masturbate that week (about 4). Now, some guys are high (RMF=2 or more) and others are low (RMF=1 or less!). But even if he has a really low RMF, like .25, that still means he’ll want to masturbate once after he’s had sex five times with his partner that week. So don’t focus on whether or not he’s masturbating: it’s a given. Instead, engage him on what he’s doing while he’s masturbating — what he’s looking at, or imagining, or fantasizing about. That’s where you’ll learn about your guy.

Gay Committed Guy (Mark): Perhaps the most obvious answer would be “Why shouldn’t they?” (As long as it’s not interfering with the sex — “Sorry, honey, I’ve already come three times today.”)  No, wait, the most obvious answer is, “Because they’re men.”  I’m sure, when it’s all over with, that people don’t look back on their lives, regardless of gender, and wish they’d had fewer orgasms.  Also, if it’s meant to be a monogamous relationship, better he should have the extra fun with himself than with some third (or fourth, etc.) party(-ies).

(more…)

Your Call: Revenge on My Ex Didn’t Work, I Feel Worse Than Ever
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image via Wiki Media

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

Dear Em & Lo,

I (a man) was found by my married H.S. sweetheart. We hooked up, an old flame was reignited, and within a week we were planning our life together. Three months later, it turned sour for me as it seemed like she was stringing me along and never really planned on leaving her comfortable life with her husband.

I felt more disappointed than heartbroken and I sent her husband pics of us together and told him everything that had happened in those three months. Now it seems like she is happy and still with her husband and I am the one fucked over… even though I ended it with her.

I’m just pissed. I have never messed around with a married woman before and won’t be doing it again. Lots more to the story, but you get the jist of it. I am thinking about revenge, but don’t really want to because I feel that I already got my revenge. What should I do?

— Bitter Much

Do you have advice to share with Bitter Much on how he can move past his anger and disappointment? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.

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Top 5 Love Lessons from The Bachelorette (Andi, Week 5)
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screenshot from ABC’s “The Bachelorette”

  1. When trying to express your most romantic feelings, do not say “You are awesome,” as if you’re at some sporting event marveling at an epic play, bro.
  2. Don’t be a poor sport on a date. Join in, lighten up and have a laugh. (That said, if your date makes you mime…in public…in France, not only should you feel free to sulk, you should feel free to dump your date.)
  3. We’ll say it again: don’t be a poor sport on a date: If you don’t love to cook or feel inadequate in the kitchen but find yourself there on a date, roll with it, put in a modicum of effort, and make fun of your lack of culinary prowess. Do not pout and whine, “I don’t know how my mom makes her awesome mash potatoes, I just eat ’em,” you big retro meathead.
  4. Think about what a Bachelor/Bachelorette producer would have you do on a date to be more romantic, and then do it. (No way did Brian come up with that restaurant kitchen make-out idea to make up for the kisses he didn’t steal in Andi’s apartment kitchen — that was pure producer prodding, and it totally worked.)
  5. Ladies, very rarely does “fancy” up-done hair look better than casual flowing hair. Less is often more, so when in doubt, walk away from the matronly up-do that takes hours to accomplish by a high-end stylist who secretly hates all women and is exacting their revenge through said ugly up-do.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 06-16-14
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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
If you’re the last person on earth to not use Facebook, then sign up already: Someone from your past is still as interested in you as you are in him or her. See, reunions are good for more than just getting loaded or exacting revenge.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If we were hired as consultants for your love life, we’d advise you to put together a spreadsheet of your most recent ten relationships and compare and contrast what went wrong, what went right, and which haircut netted you the most appropriate partner. Then we’d advise you to apply that knowledge to your current romantic options. And then we’d send you a big fat bill. Consider yourself blessed that we dispense all this wisdom for free.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
This week, self-improvement projects and a little time in the front of the mirror will do your love life good. Now, we’re not suggesting you apply for one of those makeover reality TV shows. Just don’t wear the same shirt more than two days in a row, wash your hair before it starts to smell like hair, and for god’s sake throw out those pants with the hole in the butt!

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Don’t forget your manners this week: Say please, say thank you, say “that’s a nice hat,” and above all say “you first.”

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’re needier than a pound of flour handed out in junior high sex ed class. No one wants to burp and feed you… unless you’re paying them. So grow up and pretend to act all nonchalant like the rest of us mature jerks.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Your horoscope this week may sound overly motherly — but then again, mothers do know a thing or two about a thing or two. So here we go: Get out and socialize! You never know who you might meet! You’re so special, someone will notice that soon enough! Dear old mother, always putting a positive spin on things — she doesn’t see personality tics, eye twitches, or fashion emergencies; she sees only your “color.” So get out there and act like everyone loves you as much as your momma does; the confidence boost alone should get you a date.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Romantic opportunities with a domesticated animal will present themselves. Tempting as they may be, you should not take them. Instead, focus on your own species by using your rational mind: Analyze what it is the person you fancy enjoys, and then make a calculating move. After all, there’s a reason why pets don’t play chess. Then again, there’s a reason why chess geeks don’t get laid. Find a happy medium between cold intellectual and depraved zoophile.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Make it known that you are available and the rest, as they say, will be history. Of course, knowing how to convey “available” is a fine and subtle art few of us can master. Non-verbal expressions of “I’m available” are frequently misread as “I’m easy” (and not in that like-Sunday-morning kind of way). So keep it simple: Maintain eye contact, laugh at their jokes, invite them to that knitters’ convention in Atlantic City, etc.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If Sundays were made for the New York Times, then this week was made for you making your move…so long as “your move” is not doing “the tuck” a la Silence of the Lambs in crowded bars.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Stay calm. We know the game of love is fraught with lies, damn lies, and the lying liars who tell them, but sometimes you’ve just got to be a little zen about it all. This week, if you can’t beat ’em, then just beat ’em off.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
We hate it when the stars ask us to pass on this kind of lame advice, but what can we do, we’re just the messengers: You will attract someone other than the person you’re really interested in, but if you pretend to be interested in this new third party, it will only make you more attractive to the person you’re interested in, you follow? Sometimes we swear the stars are just the two idiots who wrote “The Rules.”

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This week, you will light up any room you enter with your magical body language. And if you can say that out loud with a straight face, you’re a better person than we are. Hey, don’t forget your fairy dust and balloon scuplting kit!

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