All posts by Em & Lo

News: Men Buy More Sex Toys Before Big Sporting Events

This just in: men account for FOUR OF EVERY FIVE sex toy transactions at LELO.com in the week before a big sporting event. This is a fact that LELO can prove.

On any typical day at LELO.com, 50% of transactions are made by men, and 50% by women. If you’re surprised by that figure, don’t be, because that’s a normal buying pattern throughout the whole industry. What might surprise you, though, is how that buying pattern changes in the run up to any big sporting event, like the Super Bowl in the US, or the Champions League final in Europe.

LELO has extrapolated from their data the idea that men and women in relationships must have a kind of agreement: the guy spends time with his friends to watch the big game(s), and in advance he sweetens the deal by buying his partner a vibe which she has chosen, or they’ve chosen together.

So What’s Happening?

LELO can’t be completely sure of the why, but they ARE sure of the when. Check out how it breaks down regionally: in the days before the Super Bowl, men represent 74% of all Americans buying from LELO; and in the week before this year’s Champion’s league final, which included two Spanish rival teams, more than 80% of Spanish transactions were made by men.

The graph below shows transactions by gender, marked with the dates of big international sporting events, and our projection of how the trend will increase in the run up to the World Cup soccer championship.

And What Are The Guys Buying?

So how do they know the guys are buying for their partners, and not for themselves? Well that’s pretty straightforward. Sales of the three products below explode in this pre-sport buying period, and as you can see, they are not male sex toys:

So in honor of the World Cup, LELO is offering FREE SHIPPING on any order made during the international soccer — er, football — tournament. Just use code “BRAZIL” at checkout on LELO.com.

Has your partner ever bought you a sex toy before a major sporting event, and what do you think explains it? Answer in the comments below…

The 10 Funniest “Sex” Photos from Getty Images

When you do a search for “sex” on Getty Images, you get a lot of interesting results — so many, in fact, that we were compelled to create a superlative series of Getty “sex” search images. Today’s installment highlights the ones that tickled our funnybone the most. Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blog Snog: The 10 Dirtiest Novels to Read (No E.L. James!)

image via Nerve.com

Dream Interpretation: I Glued My Penis Back Together

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

In my terrifying dream my dick is cut into two pieces and I picked the half in my hand and tried to put it back to fix it. It was very difficult but I managed put it back, but it felt not strong enough, so I thought of applying glue to make it perfect… and then i opened my eyes.

I’m very terrified about the whole dream because i’m the type to hardly remember my dreams after waking up. Please help me, I need your assistant to set my mind at peace. Thank you so much!

LauriUnfortunately, this is a fairly common affliction men suffer in their dreams. Most often, this sort of dream is caused by something in your waking life that is causing you to feel emasculated.

At the time of this dream, did anyone around you berate you, put you down, or make you feel bad about yourself? Was anything going on where you were having a hard time “manning up” and asserting yourself?

It seems to me, from the way you were trying to glue your penis back together, that this dream may be more about a “separation” in your life that you are trying to mend. Dismemberment dreams can often be connected to a waking life dismemberment, meaning a waking life situation where someone has been cut out of your life. Just as you are trying to fix your broken penis in the dream, are you trying to fix a broken relationship in real life? The way you managed to put it back together in the dream means you do have the ability to put things back together in real life as well.

 

Visit Lauri’s brand new site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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New Virgin Mary-Inspired Poetry: The Madonna Comix

Our friend Celia Bland, who works at The Bard Institute for Writing and Thinking, just down the road from us, recently published a book of poetry called Madonna Comix. It’s a large-format, fine art book that was a cross-country collaboration with the artist Dianne Kornberg; the poems feature the Virgin Mary in various modern-day incarnations: vending machine, bomber, girl going to prom, etc. (With a foreword by Luc Sante, another neighbor of ours up here in the Hudson Valley. Because we’re not the only creative types to have forsaken New York City, though we’re pretty sure we’re the only sex writers in our country bumpkin zip code — reason enough to move here, we suppose.) A few months back, we wrote this about Mark Bibbins‘ new book of poetry, They Don’t Kill You Because They’re Hungry, They Kill You Because They’re Full: “He will convince you poets are sexy and dreamy and powerful and relevant.” We’re happy to have further proof now in the Madonna Comix.

Immediately below is a short essay by Celia on her project and why she was drawn to the Virgin Mary — and what the Madonna means to her as a modern woman (and as a poet who “kind of specializes in poems about sex,” she says). Just below that, after the jump, we are thrilled to publish three poems and three illustrations from the book:

The Madonna Comix were originally Captions for Cartoons Not Yet Drawn.  I imagined the poems’ stanzas appearing as comic strip captions beneath empty boxes – the panels drawn with different thicknesses of line but always empty.

The poems, you see, were about emptiness – a metaphorical emptiness as concrete as the air space where the Twin Towers once stood.  I’d worked as a temp in Tower B and at noon every day that summer, I’d sat in the shadows of a desolate wind-swept plaza eating peanut butter sandwiches and hating my life.  Looking back at my internal emptiness, so unaware of how the world could and would soon change, my complaints seem so petty, so personal.  The poems written afterwards stung with self-rebuke, a kind of loss focused on my ideas of Mary, mother of Jesus.

Despite the poems’ sometimes smart-alec-y lines, I remain deeply moved by the Blessed Mother.  I see her bereft at the foot of the cross, palms up in a gesture of acceptance, as in my poem “Education of the Virgin.”  Mary breaks my heart.  She does not rail against fate – Why hast thou forsaken me?  She has the patient heaviness of pregnant women – that almost-bewildered delaying of self for another day, another day, before blessed release.  I see her as a kind of shape-shifting superhero.

I wrote these poems in short lines and with some sense of the many roles women play: pregnant and scared, birthing and scared, mothering and resentful, joyous, bored, nurturing and self-abnegating. A woman who fell at the foot of the cross, beneath the corpse of her son, in a dead faint. A woman pressed into service. A vending machine for babies. A figure of maternal longing and infinite pity.

One day, wandering into an exhibition of text-inspired images at the Chicago Cultural Center, I saw Arachne, a collaboration between artist Dianne Kornberg and poet Elizabeth Frost, I decided that, yes, perhaps my poems could be captions for cartoons drawn.  So I mailed her a series of poems about the Madonna—Mary as pelican, as bomber, as vending machine, as bereaved mother. Dianne responded enthusiastically to my ideas.  She found some black and white negatives of photos she’d taken years before of a dancer seven months pregnant.  These became the basis for Madonna ComixLittle Lulu bleeds through, a pentimento.  The comic balloons for exclamations and jokey asides suggest the strange teardrop wombs that enclose medieval Madonna’s.

None of this is solely my invention, of course. Mary has always been, in the words of British historian Helen Hackett, a repository of “contradictory impulses towards the female body, including desire, fear, idealization and prurient fascination…” Pray to her to advocate for us lowly mortals, to intercede with a distant god. Always, when the Catholic missionaries came to a place, they supplanted the fertility goddesses, the Venuses of that place, with a Mary fashioned of clay and magic. This virgin, chosen by god, impregnated by him, not in Zeus’s golden shower or in the shape of a satyr or a husband, but by a white bird, bearing a word: that is, the word made flesh.

Making Mary, in my own mind, at least, most especially the protector of those laborers of the word.

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Poll: Is the Gym Off-Limits as a Pick-Up Spot?


photo via Flickr

Recently, Johnny, one of our most loyal commenters, posted the following in response to our Blog Snog partner’s article “Guys of Reddit share the cheesy pickup lines that actually kind of work“:

The lesson behind those corny pickup lines is that women like an outgoing guy. It’s not the lines that worked for them. It’s the fact that they had the balls to express their attraction in a cheesy-but-harmless way.

The only “line” I ever really used is one of the oldest in the book. When girls walked by as I worked out the gym, I’d do the old, “98! 99! 100!”

It worked great. They’d crack a big grin and roll their eyes and then be receptive to conversation.

Disgusted sneer and walk away = she hates you and your line.

Rolls eyes to the ceiling and smiles = green light!

Which got us thinking: Are there some places that should be pick-up-free zones? The kind of places where you are bound to run into a hook-up again after things might have gone south? Is the gym a place where you just want to escape into your own endorphin-fueled workout without worrying about being hit on? Or, as a public space, is it fair game?

 



 

Wise Guys: My Girlfriend Says Porn Is a Dealbreaker, Is She Right?

photo via flickr

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What do you do if your girlfriend, whom you love very much, doesn’t understand why you like and watch porn occasionally: she’s intellectually and viscerally opposed to it, thinks it is a horrible industry that exploits people and perpetuates sexism and misogyny, and has suggested to me that it might be a deal breaker?”

Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): Well she has a point, but she doesn’t fully understand men if she makes that a deal breaker. (Good luck finding a man who doesn’t like porn; it’s hard enough to find one that doesn’t like sports!) Some porn is perfectly healthy, and if a guy can’t explain that convincingly, or is too afraid to put his foot down, then he should throw in the towel and throw away his stash. That’s not to say he can’t dabble now and again, but he should stay away from the Brazilian fart porn and Japanese girls exchanging bodily fluids just in case.

Straight Married Guy (Fred): Keep it a secret from her!  Okay, you could try to explain that it has nothing to do with her, that she’s not in any competition with it, that it’s a normal and unavoidable part of being a guy, and that she’ll never find any guy who doesn’t look at porn from time to time… or you could just make it a private thing.  Don’t talk about it and definitely don’t let her see any signs of it.  Ignorance is bliss. If you’re feeling lucky, you could also point out her relationship with shoes (or women’s magazines, or whatever) and say that you’re viscerally opposed to it, think it is a horrible industry that exploits people and perpetuates sexism and misogyny, and suggest that it might be a deal breaker.

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Top 5 Love Lessons from The Bachelorette (Andi, “The Journey So Far”)*

  1. If you’re going to talk politics on a date, then the only appropriate response to the topic of Benghazi is “Bring it on!”
  2. It’s gauche to ask your date about the ancient indiscretions of their partner, especially if said date was the Secretary of God Damn State.
  3. If you’re going to tell your date how dead broke you once were, don’t talk about having to somehow finance your houses (plural) back then. Be sensitive to the genuine financial hardships your date might have experienced in the past or may be experiencing right now.
  4. The discussion of scrunchies has no place on a date, whether you’re running for President of the United States or not.
  5. While on a date, don’t try to disguise your age, especially not with a schmear of Vaseline over the camera lens. Be proud of your extensive journalistic experience and own your wrinkles.
*This week’s “Bachelorette” show was a one-hour recap of the season so far that made room for Diane Sawyer’s exclusive ABC News interview with Hillary Clinton which aired on Monday night. 

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 06-09-14

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Oh, Aquarius, you’re a fool for love. It’s kind of cute when Meg Ryan does it, but on you, it just looks pathetic. Walk away from love before it walks all over you, leaving nothing but a set of muddy footprints.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
The star quarterback and the captain of the cheerleading team ain’t all that. They never are. Turn your attentions to a geek in the debate club, or the brooding artist loner who hangs out in the studio after school. They’re the ones who know where to find all the dirty books in the public library and are therefore the most skilled.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The stars tell us you’ll be able to talk your way into anyone’s heart. They say nothing of talking your way into someone’s pants. But considering you’re a fine candidate for love, that shouldn’t be too difficult for you. Don’t let your good intentions get in the way when the belts start unbuckling.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
When in doubt, pick the one who laughs at your jokes.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ll find yourself hitting the gas pedal instead of the brake — and vice versa — all week. Bummer, dude. Fortunately, we’re speaking purely metaphorically, so little old ladies and cute puppies are safe for now. Unfortunately, it’s up to you to figure out what the metaphor means for your love life. Hey, this is one-size-fits-all astrology, people, we can’t be expected to do all the work.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Take a leap of faith and let a friend set you up with someone you don’t know. A friend like Online Personals. Personals will support you, help you through this time of need, and never judge you (even if you make an ass of yourself on a blind date). Like a good neighbor, the Personals are always there for you, day or night. . . or even early morning when you’ve stumbled home sloshed out of your mind and you’re suddenly struck with the brilliant idea of trying to pour your soul out online. So what are you waiting for? Start drinking and get typing!

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Think of all this alone time as one of those “personal growth experiences.” Take long introspective walks in the rain, buy a single can of beer at the deli for must-see TV night, write a poem about your feelings, listen to Enya. And don’t forget to thank goodness for Magic Wands.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
While it might be true that the more people you have sex with, the more likely you are to fall in love with someone you have sex with (hey, love can be a numbers game, too), it’s not necessarily the healthiest approach — mentally, physically, karmically, etc. Think about this: The more people you meet, the more likely you are to fall in love with someone you meet, too. So you don’t actually have to have sex with all of them. Got it, Einstein?

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Just try to be a good person this week. We know, it’s hard, and you’d rather put yourself first, think the worst of everyone, huff and puff at people getting in your way on the subway, complain that your lover never tickles your back, etc, etc. But just give yourself a week — okay, a day — to be kind to strangers, bite your tongue when you feel yourself start to bitch, and just be a giver in bed. This has nothing to do with your horoscope (’cause, trust us, your horoscope was super boring), but if you take our advice, we’re sure you’ll have a great week!

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Cut to the chase; gone in sixty seconds. And no, we’re not talking about that atrocious Nic Cage/Angelina Jolie movie, we’re talking about your love life. Once you’ve wrapped someone around your little pinkie, you don’t even stick around long enough to find out all the fun things you could do to them with that little pinkie. All we can say is: You don’t know what you’re missing. (And wash your hands after shaking hands with strangers.)

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’re gonna mess it up this week.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
The ball is in your court — hit it back, or put it in your pocket. Your call.
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Why Lo Won’t Watch “Game of Thrones” Anymore

Lo wanted to pen a smart, thoughtful piece on all the serious, misogynistic, pro-rapey problems with “Game of Thrones” that have made it unwatchable for her, but after reading Bethany Jones’ piece ‘Game of Thrones,’ Sex and HBO: Where Did It Go Wrong For TV’s Sexual Pioneers? over at Indewire’s “/bent” blog last week, there was no point: Jones nails it. At three pages, it’s a tome of an internet article, but it’s so worth it! The piece is funny, erudite, well-researched, and spot on. It should be required reading for any GOT fan.

Here’s one small taste, in which she uses one of our favorite philosophical party tricks to expose just how fucked-up the “sex” scenes in Game of Rapes, er, Thrones are:

So let’s imagine another scenario. Let’s imagine that in the background of most episodes of “Game of Thrones” we saw dark-skinned semi-naked people casually or brutally humiliated because of their race: lynchings, gratuitous beatings, n-words thrown about, all the horrible theatre of race-hate, say. Imagine that the incidental exposition scenes of “Game of Thrones” didn’t take place in a brothel but in a slave market, for no real reason. And in a slave market where the slaves showed signs of contentment and arousal at the point of sale. Imagine that in the background of incidental scenes of “Game of Thrones” we saw dark-skinned people being tarred and feathered, or whipped, or branded, just incidentally. And imagine that the camera dwelt lingeringly on the small physical details of these acts, just for the hell of it. And then, as a finishing touch, imagine that all of this was done spuriously, as a departure from the source material and for no meaningful narrative gain, but just to spice up the action, to show some pecs and tits, to give an impression of grittiness, to get some people off. Imagine a non-white person was subjected to the most violent instance of racial hatred, and then appeared to forget about it in the following episode. Imagine if having resisted being beaten, and imagine whilst saying ‘no, no’ to their abuser, they shifted their body in an ambiguous way, a way that could have been interpreted as inviting further punishment but could also have been seen as self-protection. Imagine if this meant we were told it was no longer an instance of racial hatred but a mutually consenting act.  Imagine we were asked to forget all we know about the historical and contemporary power dynamics that structure and inform racial violence.

Would you think that was ok, HBO? And how many people would think that was ok?

If you read only this, then you are doing yourself a disservice: you’ll miss the exact moment Jones declares that HBO jumped the sex shark, how ill-informed about and indifferent to rape the director of one now-infamous GOT rape scene (pictured above) is, and how a 1976 BBC production featuring a young, mad, sadistic king who trusses up a naked woman and kills her (sound familiar?)  is less sexist than this “modern” HBO show. This is the stuff brilliant PhD dissertations are made of — except, lucky for us, Jones gets to use phrases like “frathouse flatulent ether” here. Sanity is coming!

 

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10 Father’s Day Gifts That Have Nothing to Do with the Barbecue


Crosley Portable Turntable

Yeah, yeah, we get it: Dad likes to barbecue meaty things. But did it ever occur to you that maybe Dad likes sensual massage or a little butt play, too? Okay, so these aren’t necessarily the gifts that you’d give to your own father, but for the father of your own children? Don’t count it out. Below you’ll find ideas for all the fathers in your life, both the ones you’re related to and the ones you like to relate to…yes, even that kind of daddy.

1.
Kindle Fire HDX
$379


Because on a Kindle, no one knows if Dad is researching how to barbecue the perfect burger… or how to master Japanese rope bondage. Hey, maybe he even wants to read Fifty Shades of Grey. No judgements here.

 

 

 

2.
Burberry Touch for Men Eau de Toilette
$47


Don’t listen to us, listen to Amazon reviewer Amy Nagle: “Bought it for my husband. The second graders he teaches gives him hugs and lets him know he smells good. He says ‘that’s why my wife gets it for me.’ Haven’t found another scent that is NEAR as GOOD as this one! I admit, I hug him too, just to smell how good he smells!”  If the receiving dad in question is not your own father, then you might be interested in the review by an Amazon member named Mike Hunt (yup): “WOOOOHOOO DANG I SMELL GREAT!!! Seriously, i have to beat the women off with a stick when i wear this. even though i am ugly as a horse’s patootie, a couple of spritzes of this stuff, and i gotta run out the back door of the club at the end of the night. GET SOME.” Seriously, though, folks, how often do second graders and “Mike Hunt” agree on what smells good? You really should GET SOME.

 

3.
Crosley Portable Turntable

$79.95


Dads love vinyl. You might not have ever heard him mention vinyl before, but the moment he sees this turntable, he’ll get a misty look on his face and start telling you about the first LP he ever bought. (This is true whether the dad in question is sixty or thirty.) Pretty soon he’ll want to own all his favorite albums on vinyl — hey presto, gift giving ideas for years to come! It’s made of wood and bound in leatherette, and comes in multiple awesome vintage colors like turquoise and orange — but we’re partial to the black version lined with red. The built-in speaker means he can even set it up in the kitchen (that’s where all the dads we know put theirs).

4.
“Are We There” by Sharon Van Etten
$21.05 for vinyl; $13.49 for CD; $6.99 for MP3


Once he has a turntable, give him something worth buying on vinyl! Sharon Van Etten is the kind of musician a dad can feel okay crushing on — even a father to a daughter — because she likes to wear button downs (look, Dad, no cleavage!) and play with her hair in her face. She’s our new favorite rock star and every dad we know is currently swooning over her. (Listen to her here.)

 

5.
Aneros Helix Syn
$70


This gift isn’t for the faint of heart — it’s not every gift giver that can pull off a prostate massager (and though we don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your own father, we think this gift is probably more appropriate for the father of your own kids… or your single dad booty call). Like the original white Aneros (we just think this one is a little sexier and less medical looking), this toy “offers a shape that provides immediate pressure and tension on the prostate and surrounding area. The sphincter’s natural contractions create simultaneous prostate and perineum stimulation — all without batteries or use of your hands. The unique design helps tone the PC muscles to help improve the quality of orgasm while offering intensely pleasurable sensations.” He can use it during masturbation or oral sex or even while standing at the barbecue, if that’s his thing.

6.
Canon Wireless Printer (With Scanner, Copier, Fax)
$99.99


This device prints photographs wireless directly from an iPhone or iPad, no drivers required. This will turn Dad into a domestic superhero! He can print out pics of all his offsprings’ achievements (when’s the last time you actually bothered to print something?). Or maybe he just wants to print pics of Mom being naughty without going to CVS. And for those days when nothing else will cheer him up, he can use the built-in copier to scan his ass cheeks.

 

7.
The Multi-Orgasmic Man by Mantak Chia & Douglas Abrams Arava
$16.95


Once Dad starts working out his PC muscles with his brand new Aneros Helix Syn, he’s going to want to do something with them. So why not give him a guide to the multiple male orgasm? (It’s kind of like that kids’ book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie… If you give a man an Aneros, he’s going to want a multiple orgasm to go with it.) This Good Vibrations bestseller blends Eastern and Western philosophies and explicitly details how men can learn to separate orgasm from ejaculation.

 

8.
Jack Black Intense Therapy Lip Balm SPF 25
$7.50


No more sneaking around in his wife’s pocketbook for a lip balm and ending up with a sparkly pink pout, now there’s something truly manly for Dad’s lips. The shea butter makes Dad kissable, and the mint makes freshens his breath. Shut up, by the way, there’s nothing gross about Dad kissing Mom! He might also like the matching Jack Black Beard Lube — and yes, we just wanted to mention that product name — or Jack Black Body Rehab Scrub.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9.
LELO Sensua Suede Whip
$44


Who’s your daddy now? (Sorry, we couldn’t resist.) This is a stylish and playful way to dip your toes into the world of BDSM. The soft suede tails are great for gentle teasing… but you can swing them faster for more sensation and intensity. It’s the perfect way to let your guy know he’s more than just a burger flipper to you.

 

10.
Ruhlman’s 20: 20 Techniques, 100 Recipes, A Cook’s Manifesto
$22.60


Ruhlman teaches chefs how to think beyond the recipe, because that’s how Dad likes to cook. Whether cooking a multi-course meal or just some really good scrambled eggs, the same 20 basic concepts of cooking apply. And what Dad could resist a cookbook by the attitude-heavy chef who makes fervid protestations regarding the perfect martini? They should be made with gin, heavy on the vermouth, he says: Vodka is the Wonderbread of American consumption, and a vodka martini should be called a “vodkatini” or “kangaroo” to put it in its place.

Blog Snog: How to Be a Feminist When You’re a Man


photo via Nerve.com

Dream Interpretation: Why Am I a Cheating Harlot in My Dreams?

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I have dreams literally ALL the time that I am cheating on my boyfriend. I don’t have the guts to cheat on him, and that’s something I promised I would NEVER do. I love him more than anything. All these dreams I have are about guys I know.

Dream #1: I am in my bedroom having sex with my friend’s boyfriend. I had sex with his brother a while back, but I’ve never been attracted to him. At the end of my dream I always say, “I can’t do this; I can’t cheat on my boyfriend,” and I wake up.

Dream #2: This happened last night. I dreamt that I was at a family party. This guy — who used to be like family ever since I was born, and I’ve always thought he was so attractive — was there. He has a wife and a kid now and he’s a lot older than me, but in my dream I see him and get excited and hug him and he sits down and puts me on his lap and starts making out with me. Then he says, “Let’s go have sex,” and I say, “I can’t; I just cheated on my boyfriend,” and woke up.

I really don’t remember my other dreams, but please help me, because every time I wake up it just feels like it wasn’t a dream and I feel so guilty.

LauriCheating dreams, whether we are the cheater or the cheated upon, always bring about one hell of an emotional response… and that’s where I would like to begin. In my latest book, Dream On It, Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, I have a chapter on the 10 rules to remember when decoding your dream, and one of them is that the emotion you are left with from your dream is connected to that same emotion you are experiencing over something in your waking life.

Your emotion is guilt. So what is it you are feeling guilty about in your relationship? In the dream you are cheating, so that’s a big clue. Usually cheating dreams are caused by a third wheel in the relationship, but rather than the third wheel being another person, it is usually a thing — something to which someone in the relationship is giving too much time and attention.

You are the guilty party here, so what is it that you are doing that might be causing your boyfriend to feel “cheated” out of his time and attention with you? Are you working too much? Are you spending more time with friends or family than with him? Whatever it is, deep down you know it is wrong, and not helping the relationship, so take these dreams as a wake up call to give your relationship a little more T.L.C. When you do, the dreams will stop.
Visit Lauri’s brand new site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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The Best Wedding Photos from Getty Images

It being the month of June, we thought we’d continue our superlative series of Getty search images around the topic of weddings. Can you hear the church bells ring? Here are some of Getty’s best wedding photos to have and to hold:

Comment of the Week: Missing My Wife Is Not “Immature”

photo via flickr

Reader Stephen wrote the following in response to our post, “Your Call – Why Is My Husband Jealous of My Female Friendships?”

I struggle with this as well. I too am over the age of 50, and don’t consider it “acting like a 3 year old”. After 20 years of marriage and multiple children, it seems that my wife (my best friend; no one else even comes close) takes the depth of our friendship for granted. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that she doesn’t love me, but she certainly gets more enjoyment out of her phone calls/texting/facebooking with girlfriends than she does with me. Is it really that unreasonable for me to be jealous of the fact that I am no longer the recipient of the intimacy and affection of our best-friend conversations?

I assure you that I am still affectionate with my wife, and let her know I love her on a regular basis, so this isn’t a one-sided situation. I’m not denying her her friendships, but at the same time I think that I deserve to be more than “the other parent” and business partner. Ladies, do you really consider that immature and needy?

From where I sit, I see my wife as being neglectful of our relationship, and only sees me as the person that helps discipline the kids, and work the business. I’ve lost the “friend & confidant” role in our friendship, and I truly miss that. It’s been “outsourced”. Apparently girlfriends do that better, and according to the women in this forum, trying to have an open, communicative conversation about it with my wife will only make me less desirable to her. So where does that leave me?

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New Beach Read: Social Death (With Naughty Bits!)

When we asked our friend Tatiana Boncompagni whether her new novel, Social Death, had any “dirty-ish parts” to it (hey, two sex writers have to ask), she responded that there’s no “ish” about it. The novel is a mystery about the murder of a Manhattan socialite who dies with a scandalous secret — in other words, Gone Girl meets Gossip Girl. (Hello, beach read!) The story is narrated by Clyde, a veteran news producer who is called to the scene of the murder, only to discover that the victim was her best friend (oh, and the victim just happened to be heir to a fortune of billions, too).

We’re thrilled to present an excerpt of the novel today — and yes, of course, it’s one of the dirty bits. You’re welcome.

On my way back to the ballroom, I made a bad turn and ended up down a hall of small meeting rooms. I heard a voice, then a giggle, and being the nosy journalist that I was, couldn’t just forget about it and continue on my way like a normal person. Crouching low to the ground, I stuck my nose around the doorframe.

The overheads were out, but there was enough light coming from the windows for me to make out Sabine’s face and Alex’s profile. From my vantage point, I could see that he had her up on the table, his face buried in her neck, his hands working beneath her short skirt. Sabine’s dress fell off her shoulder, exposing a grapefruit-shaped breast. She whimpered with pleasure as his mouth found her nipple. The next thing I heard was his zipper.

I slipped back out, praying neither of them had seen me, wishing I hadn’t seen what I did as I stumbled back down the hall, passing the doors to the kitchen. A waiter burst through, carrying a tray of Champagne glasses. I sped up and pilfered two of them. Then I went into the bathroom and downed them both, one after the other, the bubbles tickling the back of my throat, tasting like heaven, warming my belly. I wanted more.

“OK, so what happened?”

Georgia and I were downstairs, waiting in line at the coat check. Husband No. 4 had left midway through the filet mignon, mumbling something about a conference call with Hong Kong, and Diskin and his wife had taken off immediately after the crème caramel. We were all free to go. “You look like a pig at a Memphis barbecue,” she said accusingly.

I threw my hands up. “What does that even mean?”

“It means, sugar pie, that your face is redder than the blood that used to come out of my hoo-ha every goddamn month and your breath smells like the peppermints they got in the ladies’.”

I’d grabbed a handful of them in the bathroom after downing the Champagne. Then I’d hit the bar, sucked down a vodka tonic and a glass of red abandoned on a table in the reception area.

“What the fuck just happened?” Georgia asked.

“Naomi Zell and I had a tête-à-tête. I’m off Olivia’s case, and I’m not allowed to get within ten feet of any of the Kravises. The network is hiding something. Or they’re afraid I’ll uncover something that will mess up the merger. Why else would she pull me off the case?”

Georgia took off her glasses. “You told her to stuff it, I hope.”

“But I thought you didn’t want me on this case either.”

“That ain’t the point.”

Phil draped Georgia’s chinchilla cape over her shoulders. The fur was overkill given the evening’s mild weather, but Georgia flaunted her furs whenever possible. “That it?” She gave me a knowing look.

I handed Phil the claim ticket for my black wool topper. “Would you mind?”

We watched him file back into the coat-check line. Georgia linked her arm in mine and lowered her voice to just above a whisper. “Fess up, child.”

Sometimes I loved that nothing got by her, other times, not so much. “If you must know, I caught Alex and Sabine going at it in one of the meeting rooms.”

Georgia planted a hand on her hip, her eyes two thin slits. “Christ in heaven, you are so much worse off than I thought.”

“She’s my assistant. I’m his producer. It’s normal for me to be weirded out.”

She clucked admonishingly. “You drinking tonight?”

“Everything OK?” Phil asked as he helped me into my coat.

I shot Georgia a pleading look.

“This girl is a workaholic. I’m always telling her she needs to get a life outside the office.”

“Point taken,” I said.

“Get her home safe,” Georgia said, giving Phil a meaningful look before leaving us to find her Escalade.

“What was that all about?” he asked.

“I think she just really likes you,” I said lightly as Phil led me to his Town Car. In the backseat, I slid a little closer to him, pressing my back against Phil’s body. “Thanks for coming tonight. I owe you one.”

“No problem.” He gave my leg a fraternal pat in return. “Georgia’s a hoot.”

I reached for the inside of his thigh.

He pulled away. “I think you and I are in different places.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

He took a breath, adjusting his glasses. “You’re beautiful, Clyde. And smart, and passionate about what you do, but I just don’t see this working out.”

I couldn’t believe he was rejecting me. I pictured Alex and Sabine, remembering the sound of his zipper and her moans. God, how I missed that kind of sex. Urgent. Dirty. Dangerous. I looked out the window, suddenly furious. We were at a red light and about to turn down Park Avenue.

“Look, if things change—”

“Don’t hold your breath.” My voice was jagged and sharp. I opened the car door and jumped out. Then I slammed the door behind me and ran for the curb.

I stood there, angry and horny, an old, familiar feeling stirring deep within me, a hungry recklessness that had been lying there blessedly dormant. There was only one place I could think of going. Crossing Park Avenue, I hailed a taxi. “I’m going uptown. But first, I need to find an open liquor store.”

Andrey opened the door to the Haverford. His jacket was off and shirtsleeves rolled up. I took his arm, tracing the scales of his tattoo.

He smiled. “Looks like someone’s been having fun.”

Not nearly enough. “I handed him the open bottle of vodka in my hand. Is there somewhere we can go?”

“Not here.”

I took the bottle back, pouting. “Fine. I’ll go then.”

He pulled me back into to him, his hands pressing my body into his so I could feel that he was already aroused. “It’s not that I don’t want you,” he said.

“Quickly then.”

He took a key from his pants and bolted the front door. In the elevator I felt his lips on mine, his hands all over my body. We reached the basement floor. He pulled me into the hall, unzipping my dress to my waist, liberating my breasts from the satin cups of my bra. A second key led us to a small, pitch-black room. It smelled of WD-40, dust, and men’s cologne. Andrey pushed me down on a couch and stood over me. I reached for his belt buckle, dropped his pants, taking his cock in my mouth. For the next few minutes, I was happy. This is what I’d come for, what I’d wanted. But when he bent back down, stripping off my wet panties, positioning himself to enter me, I pressed my hand firmly on his chest. “Aren’t you going to use a condom?”

“What?” His brow was slick with sweat, his breath loud in my ear.

“A condom,” I repeated, but the moment was already over. I couldn’t do this. Not here. Not like this. Not even drunk as I was. Andrey was involved in my best friend’s murder. Even for me, this was too far over the line. What the hell was I doing? I maneuvered out from under him, adjusting my dress. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

“You sure?” he panted.

I nodded. “Maybe another time.”

He stood to buckle his pants. Then he walked a few paces in the murky darkness and flicked a switch, flooding the room with fluorescent light. I rubbed my eyes, which were struggling to adjust to the light, and realized that Andrey had taken me to the super’s office. There was a desk and a computer, a shelving system lined with toolboxes and toilet plungers, and at the back of the tiny chamber, where I was sitting, a silk-upholstered couch that had probably once belonged to one of the co-op tenants. It had seen better days.

Andrey couldn’t bring himself to look at me, and I got a flash of the man who looked so vulnerable in the coffee shop, talking about how Rachel had left him once Michael filed for divorce. “Take your time getting out of here,” Andrey said, gesturing to the small fridge under the super’s desk. “There’s water in there if you’re thirsty.”

“Thanks.”

“Just do me a favor and close the door to the office when you leave.” He pivoted on his heel, gave me an awkward salute, and was gone.

I’d had more humiliating moments in more unlikely places. And yet sitting there, half-drunk, half-exposed, my bare ass on a ratty old couch I wouldn’t want to touch with a gloved hand, I felt incredibly ashamed and disappointed in myself. I’d worked so hard for my sobriety. Damn it, Clyde.

Social Death by Tatiana Boncompagni is on sale now at Amazon.com

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