Our contributor, who wishes to remain anonymous, has a confession to make.
I always thought cheating was a deal-breaker. I imagined if my boyfriend so much as kissed another girl, I would dump him without an ounce of regret. There would be no “get out of jail free” card for my boyfriend or giving him the benefit of a doubt. It would be, “Sayonara sucker. You just ruined the best thing in your life.” I always thought I would stick to my guns if he cheated.
And then he did. And I didn’t. Because it turns out it was so much more complicated than I had imagined.
I’d had my suspicions for a while, and I finally confronted my boyfriend, telling him that if he loved and respected me at all then he would admit to his infidelities. I told him I needed the truth because I wasn’t able to live with the insecurities my suspicions had created. And he told me he had slept with four girls over the past two years of our relationship.
I spent hours struggling to come up with a solution. Do I dump him like I always promised myself I would, or do I give him another chance? Part of me believed cheaters didn’t deserve second chances. Once a cheater, always a cheater, right? But when I put myself in his, the cheater’s shoes, I realized that I would want a second chance too, a chance to prove that I could change. And the chance to change, I thought, is something everyone deserves.
It definitely helped that I didn’t find out about the cheating by walking in on him and another girl in the act. Call me crazy, but I admired him for coming clean even when he knew it might jeopardize the future of our relationship. I could tell as he talked that he felt terrible.
Still, I was extremely confused by how understanding and empathetic I felt toward him. I felt that my love for him rendered me weak, and a strong woman wouldn’t think twice about kicking such an insensitive jerk like him to the curb. And my empathy certainly didn’t derive from similar experiences — I had never cheated on him nor had I ever been tempted.
Unable to understand what felt like an irrational response, I looked to my relationship with someone I love deeply: my mom. For years I lied to her — about everything from money to my whereabouts — knowing that it broke her heart. But instead of giving up on me she tried even harder to help me understand that lying is a terrible quality for someone to possess.
I still lie from time to time, but when I do I am now able to take responsibility for my lies and admit the truth. I feel guilt and remorse when I lie. I didn’t before. By not giving up on me she taught me what unconditional love really is. She was able to overcome her anger in order to help me. And now I wanted to help my boyfriend.
The following weeks were difficult. To be honest, three months later, it still is. On a daily basis he told me how sorry he was, how he wished he could take it back, how much he loved me and despite what he did, always has, and how he would do anything to prove to me he was changing. I told him I didn’t want to hear it until we got an STD and HIV test. We did and thankfully everything came back negative. After that, I felt a lot better. We hung our test results on the fridge and spent a lot of time discussing how he was going to change.
The more we talked, the more I felt confident about my decision to give him another chance. But I couldn’t help but ask questions like, “What were their names? Where did it take place? Did you enjoy it? Did you orgasm?” And of course, there was always the, “Why?” In retrospect, none of the details mattered. Hearing his answers just made it more painful. The more details I received, the more elaborate my visions of him with the other girls became. Our sex life was quickly affected and ceased to exist at one point. It felt meaningless now, knowing he had been equally intimate with other girls.
There was something missing and I soon realized it was trust. The funny thing was, I still loved him, just not like I used to. I didn’t trust him anymore, and trust is such a large part of love. I was terrified we would never be able to get back what we had, no matter how much effort he put forth to show me he was changing.
I finally decided we would not be able to mend what he had broken on our own. We needed help — professional help. I gave him an ultimatum after a month of crying spells and mild depression: He was to see a therapist on his own to discuss his compulsive lying and cheating or we were done. On top of that, I demanded that we see a couples’ counselor together. He agreed.
If he does cheat again, I am confident that I will be able to walk away from this relationship with my dignity intact, knowing that I gave this relationship everything I could. Despite the criticism I have received from family and friends, I know in my heart I have made the right decision…I am doing what’s best for me, and as far as I am concerned, that is the only thing that matters.
I’ve watched too many of my friends run away from relationships because they were hurt by their significant other. I’ve listened to too many of their significant others, also my friends, yearn for a second chance. They’re all victims of the belief that if a relationship isn’t perfect then it isn’t worth being in. Well, I’m not ready to run away, and I refuse to force myself to fall out of love just yet. Relationships take real effort, and I’m ready to get to work.
Tune in two weeks from now to find out how the couples counseling goes…
i highly appreciate your decision!! i must say without a bit of doubt that your man is indeed very very lucky to have the love of someone like u. i sort of cheated with my ex-boyfriend…but not even a bit of what your man did with u. i confessed that to my ex and also attempted suicide as i felt terrible… and also helpless because i couldnt come back from the new person who was actually emotionally blackmailing me. so i was stuck! my ex left me and it has been 1 year 4 months now..and i am still waiting for him and will do it forever.
Ann… I’m so sorry this is happening to you. That is completely heart breaking. I was just reading what you wrote about how that affair of your husbands was so intertwined in special moments in your lives, and I feel exactly the same way. There are memories that used to bring such happy thoughts for me that now only bring pain because of all of the deception. It’s something that I am having to work through on my own. Maybe, someday, for you those memories will become positive again. I really hope they do, even if you decide not to work things out with your husband. It’s a very hard road to travel, especially after finding out about continued contact. There’s no way to keep constant watch over someone and sometimes trust is completely destroyed.
If you decide to stay I would encourage you to get counseling as a couple. I personally would insist that he figure out some form of employment that doesn’t involve travel, and insist that you have complete access to any computer he does… and then put a child blocker or a key logging program on all of the household computers. NOT permanently, because eventually you will have to trust him again, or there is no point in saving the relationship. Basically, he should be willing to do whatever it takes to make you comfortable.
And if you don’t stay in the relationship, well, no one would blame you. Betrayal is very hard to handle. Again, I’m sorry that this is happening to you, and I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.
Jazmin, after I read your note about how your husband admitted to having sex (unlike Ann), it got me thinking again that if he could lie so well before how can I believe he is not lying still. I confronted him again and not only did he say there was no sex, he had the nerve to say no kissing, no oral sex, just this spanking sensation and using hands. Well, like you said about just suspecting something and finding his secret email account. Well, I found my husband’s! Turns out, he’s lying about meeting her on a business trip; he found her on an s&m website! Then sought her out and planned his affair. She was one of about 15 people he had communicated with, but I don’t know the password to check out that site. When I found his secret email account, I did some legwork to hack into it and did! There are only about 2 months of his 4 month relationship with her in emails. I really went to see if he was emailing her behind my back since he knows I can now access his phone at any time. Well, there’s no sign of emails since my discovery, although it doesn’t mean they’re not communicating another way or through another account. Here are all the lies I caught in reading through their emails: they did kiss, they did have oral sex, THEY DID HAVE REAL SEX (at least they used a condom the first time; I don’t know about the other times); he did sleep over; he did buy her expensive gifts although he straightfaced told me NONE of those things had happend.
We were getting along so well for the 5 weeks since; I felt like we were having an affair with eachother, sneaking in time when my child was at school; more than ever. I thought I could overlook his discretion based on the things he said and did. Now I don’t even know if he was with any of the other women he met in the chat room. He travels a lot and like he said to his lover in an email “where there’s a will, there’s a way”. We were rebuilding our lives again, spending a lot of time together and with my son; he only traveled once since and for a day although he said he can only put that off for so long. We were fixing up the house, making plans together. I just don’t know what to do. Unfortunately, I fear the person that said “once a cheater, always a cheater” is correct in my case. Although everyone’s situation is different. I do realize that for my husband “once a liar always a liar” is definitely true. When I confront him, he’ll give me the same crap about how he didn’t want to hurt me. BULLSHIT!
Thanks for listening.
Jazmin,
Thanks for your inspiring message. I know how you feel when you say his calls to her were so intertwined with your life. So many days that I thought were special during that time now have bad memories only. Even when he took me to my favorite restaurant for my birthday (that he missed while he was away on business where he first met her and started planning his meetings). That night, we discussed our lives and he told me how happy he was with me and with our family. How he could separate these two lives as if they were not intertwined is scary. When I viewed the texts and compared the dates to things in our lives, it hurt even so much more.
It’s good to hear your husband is doing all the right things to make amends at this point. Although we are getting along wonderfully now (except for my emotional setbacks), I will always be alert and looking for things. I look back at the signals leading up to my discovery and think if only I had checked it out sooner, I could have stopped it sooner. But what’s the point, it happened and it can’t be changed now.
This week he traveled to another state for business for one day. It was nowhere near the state that she lives in, but I reminded him I needed a copy of his flight itineray. I used to just trust that he was where he said he’d be and that I could call his cell if I needed him. He seemed surprised that I wanted an itinerary since he wasn’t staying overnight. I said “how am I supposed to know you really are going where you say?” and reminded him that you can’t regain 20 years of trust in 4 weeks. It took 4 months of lies and decept to lose it and could take many years (if ever) to regain.
First let me say thank you to all of those that have been brave enough to post their feelings. As I go through this difficult time, it does help to know the decisions and perspectives of others.
Rachel – I would be very surprised if you were married or in a relationship for any long length of time and even more surprised if you had children. You may not even have ever been cheated on. One thing I know for sure is that your views are certainly those of the above. Someone who doesn’t understand how complicated things become when there are children involved or doesn’t take into consideration the way it came out, the remorse the person has, the amount of time and energy you’ve already spent together (for me 16 years). You’re also very narrow minded about monogomy. It is for some and isn’t for others and still for others there are “open” relationships. Everyone needs to make the decission as to which relationship they will have, individually. As for it not “being worth all the trouble to be with a cheater”. Well, that decission should be up to the person that got cheated on and judgements don’t help with that painful decission. The decision to leave or stay is a painful one. Staying is more work, yes. But, what about all of the work you’ve (or we’ve) already put into the relationship. MANY men cheat. What is the guarantee that someone else won’t do the same thing.
I so appreciate your “confession”. I have been with my husband for 16 years and married for 8. He recently got caught having an affair which apparently lasted for two months before he was busted. Unlike you, I was not smart enough not to ask details but after reading it, and my current emotional state, I realize that it was a mistake and one which I will not continue to make. My revelation is fresh as it’s only been three weeks. I have two little girls that adore him and frankly I love him whole heartedly. I think it’s unfair that someone said “something is wrong with the marriage” because I think people cheat for many reasons but ONE person cheated here, not both of us. In our case there were things bothering him that he never communicated. How can I help to fix a problem that I don’t know exists. I certainly don’t blame myself but it is hard to not wonder what if. What if I would have lost the weight I needed to and been more sexy? What if I had a job that allowed me to dress nicer? What if I was a better cook or cooked everyday? What if I kept the house cleaner – because he hates a messy house? So many questions and SO much pain. Like Ann, it wasn’t even the fact that he was with her but all of the deceit that it took to be with her. Unlike her though, my husband admits to having sex with her beginning two weeks after they met and continuing through the next six weeks. He never had any messages on the phone from her but after suspecting something one night, I went online to his wireless account and hit view full bill. There it was. Every phone call, every text message sent and received. They talked everyday, sometimes for hours, sometimes while I was home, sometimes right after he dropped off my daughters and before he got back home, on the way to and from work. He text message her after my daughters birthday party. We had such a great day, we were happy – or so I thought- and then it all came crashing down as I read the details of when they talked and he text messaged her. It was like he couldn’t live without talking to her or texting her. He text her on the way to work at 4:30am and on the way home at 2am. She works only one block from his job and while passing one day they had a conversation. She told him where she worked and he “courted” her. HE courted her as if I didn’t exist. After several days he told her he was married but they continued to see each other, him driving her home two or three times a week and leaving early so that he could see her on his way home on days that he couldn’t. Their relationship was so intertwined with ours and although knowing that he had sex with her hurts, it is compounded by the pain I feel because of all of the sneaking around. I have vowed to try to work on our marriage. He has agreed to individual counseling, couples counseling and to a vasectomy. Every day is such a struggle, and some days I think I won’t be able to make it and maybe it would be best to just put him out so that I can heal from this pain and he’ll never be able to do this to me again. But, for today at least, while he sits in the waiting room for his couseling, I keep my word to try to work on it.
Thanks for your responses. It’s three weeks to the day that I discovered my husband’s infidelity. We have talked and talked. He has done everything right – shown remorse, answered all my questions, listened to my ranting, has been the “perfect” husband. We are getting along better than we have in a long time, but I didn’t think we were having any real problems before.
They say time heals all wounds and I hope it does. Now, instead of consuming 100% of my time thinking about this, it’s only consuming 90% of my time. I’m obsessed with the 22 year old bimbo he was with – looking up info on her online, wanting revenge for what she did to my marriage, although I know it takes two – he could have and should have turned down her proposition. BUT I still love him and I love watching him with our child. I have only confided about this to one friend who won’t tell anyone and won’t judge. She was very supportive – told me to remember that I am stronger than this incident and the love my husband and I shared for all those years is stronger than this incident. My Mom said something insightful today. She said that since my Dad’s death she only remembers the good things. She said it’s funny how the good times even seem better now than they were and she doesn’t ever dwell on the bad times. She doesn’t know about my husband’s infidelity – I know that if I wanted us to have a shot at making it through this, my family could not know. “We” can’t survive with them hating him as I know they would. I merely said to my Mom, “does that mean when my hubby passes, I will dwell on the good things and and not the bad?” She said “maybe you shouldn’t wait; you should start dwelling on the good things now”. Moms have a way of understanding even when they don’t know the whole story.
Well, good luck to all of you. You are in my prayers.
Wow-I am amazed at how many people stories like this touch. The kind of pain felt by that type of betrayal is hard to understand unless you have personally felt it. My boyfriend of 11 years betrayed me and it was one of the most devastating experiences I’ve ever had. Honestly, there’s nothing that comes close to that type of pain other than a tragic, unexpected death of a loved one. Fitting when you think about it: it’s essentially the death of the relationship you thought you had.
What a sigh of relief I have just exhaled upon finding this blog. It is comforting to know that there are others who are going through the pain and are getting through it okay. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2.5 years and found out last night that he kissed one of his friends several times within the last month. This girl is messed up and I worried she would get her claws on him…I even told him that even though I can’t demand he end the friendship, he has to put certain boundaries in place. I feel so jaded that she won. The worst thing is that he is traveling in Japan right now and I am in Canada. He has been gone for 2 weeks and I am supposed to meet up with him in 3 weeks. The flights were booked months ago. I don’t know what to do. He is not only my boyfriend but my best friend, all my eggs in one lone basket. I told him that he has to choose between her and me. If he chooses me, he can’t have any contact (texts, Facebook, phone calls, visits) etc…she would effectively be banished from his life and that I would make a decision on what to do once I knew what he had decided. I told him in no uncertain terms that just because I’m allowing him to choose, it does not mean I am going to forgive him or work it out. I should get the call in about 8 hours. I am so hoping he will choose me (we were supposed to move in together later this year & I’m practically part of the family. His mom has a giant family portrait in her living room – who wants their son’s ex in a family picture?!. We also had plans to go with his family to Hawaii next year. So much invested here) but I honestly don’t know. I don’t know this person he has become and the fact that he cheated seems so surreal. It feels like I am stuck in a dream. He is a good person – he is better than that. I will refer back to this page to read your responses when I forget what I should be feeling or need assurance that what I am feeling is okay. Thanks for sharing your stories.
Jesse and Elizabeth, it was reassuring to learn that you have given your spouses another chance. I thinking about giving my husband of 20 years another chance although I know it is an unpopular decision. After a lovely Mother’s Day where I was treated so well, I learned he was cheating on me. I recently noticed he was becoming rather attached to his cell phone, which was not like him. He used the phone for business and has been telling me how much extra work he’s putting in. He also increased his travel – all part of business. A few incidents in a row finally piqued my curiosity. When I borrowed his car and he called to say to turn around and drop off his cell phone because he needed it; the fact that the cell used to be on the kitchen table at night for all to see, and now has moved to his nightstand, and that it vibrates that there’s a message some nights when he’s asleep. When I mentioned someone tried to call him at 11pm, he said it was a guy he works with from the west coast.
All the time, our sex life seemed great. With a young child, it’s sometimes difficult to find time, but we managed to fit it in. The day before Mother’s Day is when I finally started to wise up. Our child was napping and my husband was working outside. We have a secluded property, so I thought I’d surprise him with a sexy outfit to let him know we had some alone time. He didn’t notice me for five minutes as he was looking very serious and intently texting someone. That is when I made a mental note to myself to check his cell next time it’s on the nightstand. The next evening, my child and hubby were asleep and I remembered I wanted to check his cell; I felt guilty for not trusting him as he’s always been a wonderful man, his eyes never even strayed towards another woman. I snuck upstairs, took the phone off the nightstand, took it downstairs, thinking I’d take a quick look, be embarrassed for even thinking such a thing and would promptly return the phone. He had a new text on there, but I didnt’ want him to realize I looked at his phone, so I hit “view later” and went to his inbox to view the 60 or so old texts. Wow! What a surprise when the first one I read said “I love you”. then I read many more with sordid details, then I checked her latest email, after they told eachother how wonderful they were and she said “Oh my God, I could just hop on a plane and see you right now!” When I looked at his messages to her, I put the timeline together and realized he was texting her constantly – in fact about 7 times on Mother’s Day -even before and after we had sex that day. I don’t know what’s worse, knowing he cheated or that his texting was so intermingled with our personal life. In one message it asks “how’s your wife, still sexy”. When we spoke later he claimed she thought I was sexy looking; I said “how dare you show her my photo or your child’s, which he probably did as well”.
Well, I responded to her message about hopping on a plane to see him. I said “why don’t you hop on a plane; I’ll be waiting for you, signed the sexy wife”. I then proceeded to call her cell, which she did not pick up as she realized the wife now had the phone. I left a very threatening message about ever coming near my husband again and that I’d hop on a plane…
I then forwarded all their text messages to my email account, so I had proof for the lawyers. I had every intention of taking him for every penny he had. I then confronted him. I’m not saying this makes it any less wrong, but he CLAIMS they never had intercourse – that they became S&M buddies; that they met at a conference, had too much to drink, she came onto him, played on his ego because she is half his age and propositioned him. I knew he liked S&M a little. Apparently, I wasn’t getting his signals that he wanted much more. Although he claims he was happy with our relationship, he said he’s always had this desire in him and kept it suppressed his whole life, including the 22 years we were together (dating and marriage). He said he didn’t want me to think he was sick so he didn’t tell me what he felt. I told him I’d rather have known than to later find out he acted out his fantasies with another woman. It happened on 3 occassions over a 4 month period when he would travel to her town. I moved a couple of our bank accounts from joint to my name (he hasn’t realized it yet); I contacted a lawyer, threatened him with a giant knife, called him every name in the book, used him as a punching bag, but after all that am considering trying to make it work. The first thing I said is that he had to call her and break it off regardless of whether I decided to let him stay. He did that and apparently pissed her off greatly – too bad. He has shown much remorse, saying he never wanted me to be hurt, thought he could act out this fantasy that’s been in his head all these years, that it would eventually end and I’d never know. He actually said he was looking at it as separate from our lives. There have been days of talking, confessions, soul searching, screaming and tears. I know it’s hard to believe that after giving into what he said was such a strong urge that he could just stop after all that. He says he suppressed it for 22 years while we were together and could suppress it for 22 more plus – that it was fit punishment for what he did to me. I haven’t told anyone we know about this, as I know what they’ll say, that he’s scum of the earth and I should leave him. That’s what I’d say. I still love him although I hate him too. I watch him with our child and see what a wonderful father he is. I keep thinking back on the many years when we had a good marriage – we went through good and bad times – this is the worse time of our lives, since it was self inflicted by him vs. an act of fate.
u r a fool me for one i’d never give a clown another chance without given him a run for his money i’d get him back and i’m not talking about cheating i’m talking about getting into them pockets and finding me a new man after i’ve gotten paid lol
this was an amazing story.
I admire you so much and i applaud you for staying with him.
Well, I have a similar experience. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years as of this upcoming June. He had been in a full time touring band that was is big all over the state and Europe and Mexico. He was out on the road for 9 months out of the year and when he was home, we only had a couple weeks to a month at the most.
I found out only 3 months ago, that he has cheated on me 8x since the beginning of our relationship.
Crazy as I am, I took him back. I knew he wasn’t the person that the band had made him become. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and told him he owes it to me to step up to the plate and prove that he really truly loves me and wants to be with me.
He ended up quitting his band at my request and he is fully working on his christian faith again, to that which he had lost.
I cannot tell you how much he has changed. Although I wont be able to trust him for a long time and I’m willing to deal with that, He is really trying to change and be the man he knows he can be.
I can honestly say this has been the worst and most amazing experience of my life.
People think I’m a fool, but I know the man I feel in love with is still inside. I’m just waiting for him to come back.
Don’t let anyone ever tell you that you are stupid for staying with a cheater. Everyone is different and you don’t owe them any sort of explanation as to why you took them back.
If you ever need someone to talk to, I am always here.
You sound like one tough cookie. Hope everything works out!
Oh, and I think monogamy is only difficult for the weak people; the same weak people who cannot keep a relationship because their eyes wander, and cheat. It takes real strong people, good people to have a solid, loving, worthwhile relationship.
How could you ever live with yourself if you take back a cheater, they hurt you, they wanted sex with someone else, even kissing someone else that is not you means there is something wrong in the relationship. When you commit to someone, and pour your heart into them and they cheat on you, get rid of the filth and find someone who wants to be with you, and only you. It seems to take too much work to keep a relationship with a cheater, going to counseling, and seeing professionals all the time.
Sorry but what the heck can you talk about for 30-45 minutes EVERY night on the phone? LOL maybe Its because I’m a guy but I can’t see that happening. If I really needed to talk to someone for that long about something I would suggest we meet up and do something together. Talking on the phone to me is for just keeping basis, relaying some information, or arranging a time to get together. I would never just sit on the phone for small talk. You know that costs money right? Why on earth are you willing to pay someone to do something that you can do for free??