Our contributor, who wishes to remain anonymous, has a confession to make.
I always thought cheating was a deal-breaker. I imagined if my boyfriend so much as kissed another girl, I would dump him without an ounce of regret. There would be no “get out of jail free” card for my boyfriend or giving him the benefit of a doubt. It would be, “Sayonara sucker. You just ruined the best thing in your life.” I always thought I would stick to my guns if he cheated.
And then he did. And I didn’t. Because it turns out it was so much more complicated than I had imagined.
I’d had my suspicions for a while, and I finally confronted my boyfriend, telling him that if he loved and respected me at all then he would admit to his infidelities. I told him I needed the truth because I wasn’t able to live with the insecurities my suspicions had created. And he told me he had slept with four girls over the past two years of our relationship.
I spent hours struggling to come up with a solution. Do I dump him like I always promised myself I would, or do I give him another chance? Part of me believed cheaters didn’t deserve second chances. Once a cheater, always a cheater, right? But when I put myself in his, the cheater’s shoes, I realized that I would want a second chance too, a chance to prove that I could change. And the chance to change, I thought, is something everyone deserves.
It definitely helped that I didn’t find out about the cheating by walking in on him and another girl in the act. Call me crazy, but I admired him for coming clean even when he knew it might jeopardize the future of our relationship. I could tell as he talked that he felt terrible.
Still, I was extremely confused by how understanding and empathetic I felt toward him. I felt that my love for him rendered me weak, and a strong woman wouldn’t think twice about kicking such an insensitive jerk like him to the curb. And my empathy certainly didn’t derive from similar experiences — I had never cheated on him nor had I ever been tempted.
Unable to understand what felt like an irrational response, I looked to my relationship with someone I love deeply: my mom. For years I lied to her — about everything from money to my whereabouts — knowing that it broke her heart. But instead of giving up on me she tried even harder to help me understand that lying is a terrible quality for someone to possess.
I still lie from time to time, but when I do I am now able to take responsibility for my lies and admit the truth. I feel guilt and remorse when I lie. I didn’t before. By not giving up on me she taught me what unconditional love really is. She was able to overcome her anger in order to help me. And now I wanted to help my boyfriend.
The following weeks were difficult. To be honest, three months later, it still is. On a daily basis he told me how sorry he was, how he wished he could take it back, how much he loved me and despite what he did, always has, and how he would do anything to prove to me he was changing. I told him I didn’t want to hear it until we got an STD and HIV test. We did and thankfully everything came back negative. After that, I felt a lot better. We hung our test results on the fridge and spent a lot of time discussing how he was going to change.
The more we talked, the more I felt confident about my decision to give him another chance. But I couldn’t help but ask questions like, “What were their names? Where did it take place? Did you enjoy it? Did you orgasm?” And of course, there was always the, “Why?” In retrospect, none of the details mattered. Hearing his answers just made it more painful. The more details I received, the more elaborate my visions of him with the other girls became. Our sex life was quickly affected and ceased to exist at one point. It felt meaningless now, knowing he had been equally intimate with other girls.
There was something missing and I soon realized it was trust. The funny thing was, I still loved him, just not like I used to. I didn’t trust him anymore, and trust is such a large part of love. I was terrified we would never be able to get back what we had, no matter how much effort he put forth to show me he was changing.
I finally decided we would not be able to mend what he had broken on our own. We needed help — professional help. I gave him an ultimatum after a month of crying spells and mild depression: He was to see a therapist on his own to discuss his compulsive lying and cheating or we were done. On top of that, I demanded that we see a couples’ counselor together. He agreed.
If he does cheat again, I am confident that I will be able to walk away from this relationship with my dignity intact, knowing that I gave this relationship everything I could. Despite the criticism I have received from family and friends, I know in my heart I have made the right decision…I am doing what’s best for me, and as far as I am concerned, that is the only thing that matters.
I’ve watched too many of my friends run away from relationships because they were hurt by their significant other. I’ve listened to too many of their significant others, also my friends, yearn for a second chance. They’re all victims of the belief that if a relationship isn’t perfect then it isn’t worth being in. Well, I’m not ready to run away, and I refuse to force myself to fall out of love just yet. Relationships take real effort, and I’m ready to get to work.
Tune in two weeks from now to find out how the couples counseling goes…
JenJen,
The tone of what you posted screams that you are hurting. This arrangement isn’t healthy, and you don’t seem happy. You seem to be trying to convince yourself that this is the best, or perhaps only, recourse that you have. It’s not. I would seek a counselor soon, before you allow yourself to be damaged further.
Ive been married to a cheater for 18 years. Ive known, pretended, cried, seperated, and finally turned 40 and realized I was different. He changed me. And although I love him as the only one that I truly ever loved because he is great in every other aspect (even though people say he is such a great dad…really?? What great dad fucks other women besides their mother) but I still cant bring myself to leave him because I love everything else. The only way I have decided that it helps is that I have now had my own revelries after all of these years. One being a good friend of his…just for the pure fact of exciting fun and having my own “secret”. I dont think I could now ever be faithful, yet am not ready to leave. I am different and was never into being unfaithful. But it works for me. Gives me what maybe he wanted….if I was still in my 30s or even 20s I would have never considered it. Now in my 40s, and younger guys find me attractive, Im not going to pass up a good thing. I only have a few more good years in me….him too. So thinking this is the only way I feel that I can make it work for now. WHo know in the next few years. But not waisting time now…esp with his friend. Sorry. Please dont judge. Its my relationship and I have been through so much at this point.
Wait a minute. I may be mistaken, but since I can’t seem to figure out a way to access the old comments under ‘Writer Defends Adultery…’ I can’t be certain this is the same Johhny. But I do distinctly remember there being a Johhny that stated that everyone ends up cheating, and that it’s okay as long as it’s kept ‘discreet’. If you’re the same Johhny, then WOW you are the biggest hypocrite for judging that girl who didn’t even go as far as you seem to condone, and for telling that man that he should leave her for doing what you say everyone will eventually do. If you are the same Johhny, you really need to make up your mind as to which side of the fence you’re on. If you’re not the same Johhny, my apologies, I’m just appalled by hypocrisy.
To Undecided:
Yours is a very simple case. She is no good, and you must dump her. It’s not a one-time infidelity thing. She has shown herself unable to keep her word across the board, for years.
It sucks to move on, because you’re facing a dry spell. That’s what’s keeping you in the relationship. Not love.
Move on, and get a woman who treats you right.
Get a grip, it is not all the other woman’s fault. Your husband is capable of saying: “NO, I am married and I don’t do this sort of thing.” After all, that is what you took vows for. This has happened to me twice now. I am not saying that I am not without a certain amount of guilt in what happened to our marriage but I was a willing participant in sex and I NEVER would have strayed outside my marriage for ANY reason. Your best bet is to get counseling and insist he is truthful with you or he is gone. Trusting him will take more time.
after my husband cheated on me all the raw fellings are on my heart and mind. I had questioning him so much, i cried and cried, i want him to leave but i still love him every time i look right into his eyes and said “i love you, i will be better” After all we are giving our relationship a second chance is hard to trust again, we are humans, we are not perfect and we all make mistakes and if i change the picture i would like to have a second chance. It’s hard to live in a world where there is womens that chase, attract, or likes to make the life of a women so miserable, WHY? when there are so many single mens that can meet their needs and after all the evil they have done they tell you that they did nothing wrong except be attracted to your man and screw him.
Undecided,
Firstly I’d like to point out that severity, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.
Don’t take it personal that you had to drag it out of her. People in general don’t like to admit to mistakes, even ones far less sever than infidelity, so of course they really wouldn’t want to admit to something that could hurt their own opinion of themselves. She’s not the first, nor will she be the last, that will give only part of the story at first and have to have the rest pulled out them. HOWEVER, pulling that kind of information out of a person is a tedious and arduous task at best. Even though it hurts more and is definitely something you won’t feel like doing, you need to be gentle in your prodding. Pulling out the full story of infidelity from someone who wants to keep their relationship is like pulling thin glass shards out of your feet. It’s painful, you don’t know where all the shards are located since they aren’t easy to see, you don’t know how deeply embedded they are, it’s difficult to tell if you’ve gotten them all out until you try to walk again, and it’s a slow, painful, and delicate process. But they have to be taken out or else you’ll not walk again no matter who’s holding your hand.
You are not alone in your feeling of having to babysit. You are right that having to constantly monitor your partner is not a partnership. I, too, felt this way. My love was awful at following through on his word for things big and small. Unfortunately, one’s follow through on one’s word is what people tend to use as building blocks for trust. I had to sit down with my fiancé and our counselor and explain this concept slowly and repeatedly to him (some people are shockingly socially inept). I found the best approach is NOT to lecture (we’re well versed at how to tune our parents out, it’s easy to transfer that to our other half), but instead to continually use questions. That way you’re not only keeping the other person engaged in the conversation but you’re forcing them to think, hence pay attention. And if you’re lucky, and don’t have a partner like mine who cannot empathize, your partner may be able to empathize with you and thus be more understanding of your hurt and sense of betrayal. Ask them things like, ‘if I did (insert issue) to you, what would you need me to do to regain your trust?’ Then use that as a building block for the conversation of what you need to regain trust in her. As far as the babysitting issue is concerned, I can tell you this with full conviction, if you continue to feel like that way, you will tire of it and it will ultimately decide the fate of your relationship. It was that issue that decided it for me. I had to make a choice as to whether I was going to trust him or leave him because I simply no longer had the time nor inclination to continue constantly monitoring him—I wanted my equal not a child. I chose trust, because we had spent months in counseling and months with me holding his hand and showing him each and every point where he was hindering my ability to regain my trust in him. It’s a lot of work, and yes sadly enough, you really are training them.
Should you stay? No one can decide that but you. As part and parcel of that decision you must also decide if she is worth the effort. If you can answer the latter you’ll have your answer to the former.
Be calm, stay strong,
LT
Hello Undecided,
Forgive me for giving advice, because I am indeed no expert. After all, I took back my cheating husband. I realize you have invested a lot of time and energy into your relationship, not to mention heartache. However, because she is your girlfriend and not your wife and I don’t mean to make light of this, but because of that and the fact that you only 75% believe her, not to mention that she has not been true to her word at other times, I think you should seriously consider moving on. I also don’t know how old you are, but I cheated on on a long-term boyfriend when I was young (in fact, I wonder if what I’m experiencing now is karma 25 years later); I remember I loved him, but was not in love with him. If I did not finally break up with him, we would have ended up in an unhappy marriage. You also stated your girlfriend said there was no sex and no kissing. When I confronted my husband with my initial discovery, he swore on his mother’s grave there was no sex and no kissing, until I later found his secret email account to her talking about the sex and the kissing. When I later asked how he could lie after I already learned of the affair, he said he felt my knowing would only hurt me further and not resolve anything, blah, blah, blah. Again, everyone is different and your girlfriend could be telling you the truth. You say you really love her, so if you stay in the relationship, just be sure it is with “eyes wide open”, because if something more is happening, you will figure it out eventually. Try not to act as if you don’t trust her as that will hurt the relationship more; just be more aware of signs than you may have been in the past.
Good luck to you.
Ann
Wow,
what a great blog! Good insight into deciding wether or not to keep a cheat around.
My situation seems a bit less severe than many of the stories here, but I must admit, I’m absolutely torn up about it.
On Sept 7th, I found out my girlfriend had cheated on me. According to her (and I believe her about 75%) there was no kissing or sex.
She met up with a guy who was back in the country for a short stay. They have been close friends for many years and she always had a thing for him before we met. They spent the whole evening together. At one point the other guy held her in his arms for over an hour periodically kissing her neck. Eventually they went back to his hotel and watch some of the video of his… get this “ministry work in Africa”. During this time he was very forward with her. He would grab her and throw her down on the bed and they would wrestle and he would trace her body with his fingers going over her breasts and face. Eventually, she felt she HAD to leave when she FELT how aroused he was getting.
I was driving home that night at 12am when she called. After about 2 minutes on the phone I new something was up. After I got home I began to press for more info until I got the whole story above (again I believe it 75%).
Here is where I struggle.
1st. what she did. Unbelievable. Seriously if you knew my girlfriend you would never think this possible.
2nd. She would have NEVER told me unless I had DRUG it out of her.
3rd. We have had issues before, nothing as big as infedility, but big stuff nonetheless. She has repeadetly shown an inability to honor her word. I don’t believe out of malice, just out of ineptitude.
I have explained to her before this event, how important fidelity and trust are to me in our relationship.
I went through about 1 /2 weeks of the most up and down, close to vomit inducing (no joke) emotions I’ve experienced.
I take trust and communication VERY seriously.
I feel like I have ZERO trust for her now. I’ve been continually let down by her empty promises on the small stuff for the past 4.5 years and now she drops this nuclear bomb.
I’m just f-n tired of the whole thing. Its too much like babysitting. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I have MONITOR my PARTNER. That is not PARTNERSHIP.
On the flip side, I love this woman more than anything I’ve ever felt and previous to this incident would have done anything for her.
GRRRRR…. It all so damn confusing.
I hate her.. I love her.. I want to forgive her.. I want to broom her.
Any comments? I usually don’t need anyone advice, but this has got me all screwed up.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Undecided.
Hi,
I’m back. I don’t come on this site often because I guess it reminds me too much of what happened, but I appreciated Lady Tarrant’s response and am glad to hear things have improved for you and your finance as well. It’s funny you said that you are not going to thank him for the pain he brought into your life, but it did enlighten you. I can certainly appreciate that. Also, the fact that you chose to be a survivor vs. a victim is important. There are survivors that leave their cheating spouse and those that stay with them. I think both have rough roads ahead and give those who stay and those who leave credit for dealing with the situation in the way that seems best for them. My husband and I both agreed that in some ways it would have been easier for us to both walk away, but we recommitted ourselves to the relationship. I think that decision really depends on where both parties’ heads are at the time of the discovery along the other factors.
As for Lisa T’s statement, I’m not sure how to respond, but will say that I don’t know how old you are, but know that I did some stupid stuff when I was young and “shit faced” as you put it. If you feel it will remain isolated incident, just be happy that you didn’t get caught and try not to get in a situation like that again.
Take care, everyone.
Before i got married, my boy friend and i were a a keg party and i was completely shit faced. Any way i stumbled outside to have a smoke and i caught this black guy peeing on the side of the house. We made eye contact and for whatever reason i walked over and started stroking his cock. I guess i was curious to see how big he would get. In any event after a couple of munutes he came and when he did i got it on my blouse unbeknown to me. When i wentback inside, my boyfriend was coming through the kitchen and told me i had something on my shirt. When i realized what it was i quickly cleaned it and played it off. Had he come through the kitchen a minute sooner, he would of caught me in the act. Ive never told anyone this before. I feel better.
Thanks Ann, I’m glad to know I’m not the only one. I, too, noticed that after my forcing, with evidence, my fiancée to come clean about his one-time betrayal, our relationship seemed to improve despite the obliteration of trust. We, too, communicate better, are more open, fight less, and are less emotionally volatile. Our relationship has actually stabilized. Not that I’m going to thank him for putting us through this, but I have to admit the aftermath has brought some enlightenment to our lives. I suppose there’s nothing like devastation to prompt people into really finding out just how much their relationship means to them, and having to work together and fight to not loose something of value that seems to deepen the commitment to it. Unfortunately, there are scars to bear and a high price to be paid for surviving such an ordeal no matter the outcome. However, we can be survivors and not victims, such is our choice.
I am just amazed by, and proud of, how well people can come together to support each other. This is great.
Hi,
I haven’t been on this site since the night I discovered the additional lies from my husband. A part of me didn’t want to log in, because I didn’t want to hear you say what an idiot I am for staying with him. Instead, I read many encouraging words and appreciate everyone’s support and insight based on their experiences – even the “cheater’s” viewpoint 🙂 I could really relate to what many of you said, especially Elizabeth. I even gave this writer an imaginary hug (thanks for that).
I wanted to let you know we’ve now made it through almost 3 months – the last 6 weeks being very open in discussions. That night I did force the truth out of him (and yes he denied it for as long as he could). I have since become a detective and have not found any sign of cheating. He cut back on work travel and I insist on getting a written itinerary and lots of check-ins. I know he could hop a plane from one city to another or get a pre-pay phone I’d never know about, but as some of you have said, if I’m going to stay with him, I’ve got to start trusting somewhere. He understands he has no right to privacy at this point.
If not for the terrible thing he did and for the lies, I’d say our marriage was the best it’s been in many years. We communicate better than ever and our sex life has been awesome. We are both now very open and looking for every opportunity to be together. We’re also more affectionate day to day and more patient with eachother over the stupid little things that sometimes get couples fighting. We now have a better perspective on things. I still have my “blow up” moments – talk about mood swings, but the bad moments and the negative thoughts come a little less every day and that’s all I can ask for.
I hope you are all well and working through your issues in whatever way is best for you.
I’m on the other end of the stick. I cheated.
I have cheated in my past relationships, and it was
nothing else but the sex for me, how strange it may sound.
I met my former fianceé (The Ex from now on) while i was in a relationship. The Ex was someone iv’e had fallen deeply for earlier, many years past. We met up again, and i fell for a second time.
We spent a lot of time talking, and we had sex, before i found it right to end the relationship i was in, to start another one with The Ex.
I didn’t tell the girl i broke up with that i had fallen for someone else, and that there had been physical intimacy, just that i didn’t have the same feelings for her.
The Ex and I had a great time together. Turbulent at some times, but we were there for eachother… but.
Right before she moved in, i cheated. Not because i was in love with someone else, but because i was at the wrong place at the wrong time, and did the wonr thing. Could have something to do with commitment fears as she was moving in, could have something to do with me stroking my ego as a ladies man, could have been loads of different things combined with the fact i did something i shouldn’t have done.
For a long time i didn’t view sex and love as something that belongs together. I still don’t because of events in my childhood, coupled with a “free-spirited” (slutty) way of life.
Up to that point i didn’t even see what was “wrong” with it.
Six months later, The Ex heard it from someone else. she gave me the chance to be the first to tell her, but i cowardly chose not to say anything out of fear of loosing her. After she had gotten to know the fact, i told her the rest.
Begging and crying for her not to give up on me did of course not do anything. I have never felt more miserable in my life sa when i saw what it did to her.
The very next day she took all her belongings and left, leaving only the engagement ring behind.
Five months on, and she still hasn’t agreed speaking to me. We have not had a single conversation to eachother in person since she left.
I would have given everything for a second chance.
I have gone to councelling, seen doctor and psychologists, had so severe depressions i have almost killed myself (long time bipolar) and tried in the least intrusive ways i knew to contact her just to talk.
I still tell people i’m not ready to think about new relationships, and she is still the woman whose child i would’ve fathered.
I messed up, and it ruined everything.
That doesn’t mean i didn’t love, or couldn’t change.
If someone cheats on you, you’re absolutely free to leave forever, but leaving without having a talk, is not healthy for either of you. And cynical as it may sound. If a man spends 3 days with someone else, and the rest of the year with you, he may have invested some feelings in you as well, even if he didn’t do it perfectly.
Talk it over first, no matter what you decide to do.
I am so pleased to find such an outreach of support of/for those who have had to endure the trauma of being cheated on. I greatly appreciate the support and honesty of each of you.
I am one who has also given a cheater a second chance. It’s amazing how destructive text messaging can be. I, however, didn’t find out from his phone, I was contacted by the other woman via MySpace. She sent me a two page e-mail full of half-truths and details beyond what I ever wanted or even needed to know. I confronted my fiancée with it, and he did confess to sleeping with her once while we were together–which I know to be the truth from other sources.
Choosing to give someone who has so violated your trust a second chance can be one of the most difficult decisions, if only because of the extreme sense of vulnerability it invokes and necessitates. My fiancée and I have been in counseling for over a month, and in many ways it’s helped us become closer and understand one another better. Somehow my love was right when he begged that I not let this destroy us, he said that it will make us stronger because we’ll be able to work through it together. We’re learning to work more as team, towards the best interest of the relationship and not just ourselves. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy, and it certainly hasn’t been pleasant. It’s been painful, heartbreaking, and frustrating. His actions shattered my trust and faith in him. That’s not easy to recover from. And even now he sometimes feels hurt by my distrust, because he just can’t relate. But we keep trying to be open and communicate. As horrible, awful, and painful as this time has been, I must admit I have learned quite a bit about myself, him, and just what our relationship means to us. Though, I cannot deny there are still times when I question if there’s any point in still trying. There are times I feel I cannot give anymore, and am resentful that I must. But I try to take those times in stride, because I know that the happiness he brings into my life is worth the work.
I have to say to anyone who finds themselves faced with infidelity, don’t look for the details. Don’t. It doesn’t help, it won’t make you feel better, and not only will it not clear the confusion in you mind and heart, it will only make you feel more confused and frustrated. Trust is a choice. At some point we have to decide when to trust and how much of it to give. What it’ll take for him/her to regain your trust is something personal between the two of you, because each relationship is as unique as the people who make it up.
It’s difficult, but if they’re worth it, well, then it’s worth it.