Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City and she answers your medical questions here every few weeks. To ask her your own question, click here.
Dear Dr. Kate,
I’ve started seeing this new guy who has a very wide, very long penis. The first time we had intercourse it took minutes for us to inch his penis all the way inside of me. The ensuing sex was uncomfortable and it only took me ten minutes to get too sore to continue. I feel like we did everything correctly: foreplay was thorough and I was super aroused, we used a water-based lube, and we took things really slowly. The second time we tried intercourse, the same thing happened. We’ve tried both missionary and girl-on-top. I don’t have any STDs or other vaginal issues that make sex uncomfortable in general. I just can’t seem to accommodate his size! Is it possible that we just don’t “fit” together? Will I get used to it as we keep trying? Is there something I should be doing differently?
— Tight Fit
Dear T.F.,
When aroused, the average vaginal length is about 5-7 inches. So if a gal’s partner is longer than that, then good foreplay, lube, and going slowly are generally necessary for comfort. Which means that so far you have done everything right! In addition, you might want to try sex on your sides, to limit the depth of penetration as much as possible. And definitely avoid doggy-style! You could also try putting your hand on the base of his shaft to keep him from entering you up to the hilt. You should keep trying to find a way to make it work — you may find, for example, that intercourse is more comfortable at different points in your menstrual cycle — though it is possible that he may just be too large for deep thrusting intercourse. In which case, you may have to experiment with ways where he doesn’t fully enter you.
On a final note, just for the sake of perspective: ten minutes of intercourse doesn’t sound like that short of a time to me. I know some women enjoy a long session of intercourse, but ten minutes isn’t nothing. Perhaps instead of thinking of intercourse as the main course, you should be thinking of it as the dessert at the end of an already satisfying meal. In fact, I bet that a lot more women would enjoy sex if they started thinking of intercourse in this way!
Good luck,
— Dr. Kate
Gynotalk
Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City. She also lectures nationally on women’s health issues and conducts research on reproductive health. Check out more of her advice and ask her a question at Gynotalk.com.
Wise Guys: What’s the definition of bad sex
ML (Nov 13 2009 1:23 pm) here again you claim to have had more than one sexual partner before “your man” but at the top of this thread you claim that he was your first.
Wish I could find the thread where you claim that older men are where its at and women should dump inexperienced little boys. Do you remember that one?
Advice: My new boyfriend has a small penis
ML(Oct 15 2009 4:57 pm): Hmmm, that’s a hard one. (OMG.) My man is big, 8.5 or so and bigger around than I can get my little hand. I dated a few other guys in college (we were on a break, jeez) and they were, well, not nearly as big. These guys were also mostly lazy lovers. (College horney, drunk, inexperience, I am not sure.
Jake: Did you actuall measure or just take his word for it?
ML (Nov 3 2009 11:56 am): Measured, babe. 8.5 at full, and bigger around than my little hand can span. (Or about 8 in. circumference or about 1 3/4 to 2 in across.) <— the famous 8 in circumference post that Doug claimed doesn't exist.
Some folks questioned your 8 in circ claim…
ML (Nov 3 2009 1:34 pm): I don’t think so. That’s about the length between my thumb and middle finger, hand outstretched, give or take. (Plus, my dh thought it was funny when I brought out the measuring tape all those years ago…) Guess I’ve seen more than you have…..(Unless you are gay, which I am guessing you’re not,(and it wouldn’t matter) from your posts, I would hope so….)
Right here you are standing by your 8 in circ claim and claiming you have seen plenty of penises so you should know. This contradicts this very thread where you claim your hugely hung dh was your first and only lover…
jake (Nov 3 2009 1:49 pm): 8 inch circumference is a coke can thickness, you don’t see em that big in porn. I don’t envy you if you can take that. Like I said before, women do get measurements wrong.
la la la .. more posts in same thread asserting how huge your man's schlong is…
Fine some examples of your behavior ML….
Wise Guys: If He Asks About Size… (thread)
Jasmine: Boyfriend insecure about his penis how can I reassure Him
ML (Dec 13 2009 12:41 pm):Jasmine, this dude needs HELP. He’s being immature and manipulative and from what you say, he’s using his “insecurity” as a way to try to guilt you into having sex with him, when you aren’t ready….This man needs help, and it is NOT something you can fix at all. He needs professional help, and I have fear for you and for your safety. He seems to either be blaming you for NOTHING you did, or expects you to fix his nearly NON EXISTENT problem.
Jasmine (Dec 13 2009 2:42 pm) :Ur a very angry person Madamoiselle L & very very very paranoid, which is ironic. Anyway, he is not manipulative at all he’s very respective and very nurturing and caring. I wanted advice on how to mkae him feel better about an insecurity he has.
Basically some women wanted tips on how to reassure her boyfriend she was ok with his size. You insisted that his issues about being small were his fault and she should dump him immediatly. She responded by politely telling you to go f-off
Hard to say I’m misogynist when a woman politely told you the same thing.
I DID comment on that “penis” thread more recently, forgot. However, it was concerning pregnancy.(some guy said a penis is only good “if it can get a woman pregnant. WTF?)
FTR, I have only made about 2 or 3 posts about “size” a good deal less than Jimbo, or a few others. Most of my posts concern other issues.
Whatever…..it isn’t the overriding concern in the hours of my day. Unlike some, obviously.
You are right, Wesley, I shouldn’t have said a damn thing. Oh, well….SEE that’s the thing, how many women will read the creepy insulting post SOMEONE made towards ONE thing I said, which was misinterpreted MONTHS ago, (and HE’S obviously still thinking about it) and be afraid to state her OWN opinion about anything sexual, for fear of becoming his next victim?
That’s one way misogyny works, SHUT THE BITCH UP and you win…..
I maybe shouldn’t have responded to his paranoia, though.
I had to go back and check out Jimbo’s claims about what Madamoiselle L posted, because I had always known her to post mostly informed and non-condescending comments in my time reading this site. Not only does Jimbo quote Mlle. L incorrectly(she said her man was 8.5 inches long, not 8.5 inches in circumference), there is also no objective measure for his ranting about her “passive aggressive insults for men who are of a smaller size.” In fact, I have known from her comments that she did not decry any of her lovers for size, only for laziness in bed. Jimbo needs to get his eyes checked, and failing that get his perception altered.
As far as the issue at hand, I can say that even as a slightly below-average sized man I have been with one woman who could not comfortably accomodate me at first. It just took some time and few extra shortened sessions. Tight Fit definitely should not give up on sex with her man, it could simply be a matter of practice. However, that being said, pressing against the cervical wall can be painful for some women. Some women enjoy having the pressure there, others do not. The best method for avoiding this kind of pressure and subsquently this kind of pain is what Dr. Kate suggested, keep your hand or have him keep his around the base of his penis while thrusting, to prevent too much penetration. Also, changing up positions and possibly more importantly not spending too much time in one position are critical.
Another thing you must be aware of that people are getting killed for saying is if you try several times and cannot comfortably and pleasurably accomodate him, it is possible that you don’t in fact “fit together.” A 7 inch penis doesn’t fit as well inside a 5 inch vagina as a 7 inch vagina accomodates a 5 inch penis. It’s unfair, and it should not prevent you from having a relationship or trying to, but it is possible certain positions will never work for you. Whether or not you and your man can live with that is a personal thing.
Mademoiselle (let’s not get picky about spelling),
While I sympathize with your reaction, you do yourself no favors by responding to paranoid ravings with paranoid ravings.
While I too get sick of your big dick civil liberties attitude myself, you are certainly entitled to your preferences and opinions. As is “Jimbo,” however insecure and misogynist. He is simply one of god knows how many men who do not have the self-confidence to read online materials about penis size without suffering a tremendous blow to the ego. And probably blames women.
Jimbo said: (among other dreck) “Phil ignore Madamoiselle L she/he seems to get her/his jollies off convincing random men on the internet that they are sexually inadequate. Belittles any man who responds with less and tells him to buy his gf a huge sex toy because he’ll never satisfy her.”
WHEN the hell did I say that? I never said anything of the kind. You seem more concerned about MY sex life than your own.
Then he goes on with his misspelled crap “Thousands of women are admitted to the ER every year for “accomodating” men much less girthy than 8 inches.” (END QUOTE)
REALLY? Funny, I’m a nurse, and I used to work the ED. I have NEVER seen a woman admitted for having consensual sex with a large man. (I also worked Post Partum and L&D and RARELY does it take “Months” to recover from childbirth. Even with a large baby, most women are up and walking around in days often within hours.) Looked it up, never seen a SINGLE CASE of a woman going to the ER from consensual sex with a well endowed man, yet you know of “thousands?” You, sir. are full of crap. Dude, you make stuff up.
Maybe you need to educate yourself on exactly HOW sex works, how the female body works, and how it responds. (Because you seem very confused about that stuff, looking at the things you have posted.) You’d be less likely to make crap up, that has no basis in reality then.
I never said ANY of the shit you said I did. You READ THINGS you want to hear, into my posts based on your own obvious feelings compensate for SOMETHING. I don’t know what that is, but my hunch is it has NOTHING to do with your “size” and more to do with your attitude towards women and sexuality.
If you actually took the time to learn more about both of these, you would have LESS intolerance (because obviously when a woman honestly states her opinion about something and you disagree you have to resort to ad hominen attacks, insults and then make things up to “prove” something which exists only in your mind.)
I have not made a comment on the “little penis” thread IN MONTHS, I said what I thought was appropriate, in MY opinion (which I am entitled to, otherwise the thread wouldn’t be open for posting) and YOU evidentially keep posting there, obviously waiting for someone to fight with.
MY GOD, you remember what I said, THREE MONTHS ago, to the very INCH about My Man? (Weird, because I haven’t thought about that thread since the last time I posted there, MONTHS AGO.)
Dude, that’s just creepy! Do you keep track of everybody like this? Or am I to feel either honored or threatened? Is anyone still postin on that thread, or is it just dudes agreeing with each other and insulting women, or maybe it’s all the SAME dude agreeing with himself. I don’t know which.
I HAVE THE RIGHT TO POST MY OPINION, ASSHOLE. I didn’t attack YOU so get the hell OFF. What the hell did I ever do to YOU? Sorry if my opinion differs from yours.
Sorry if FACT differs from how you would LIKE the world to be.
I NEVER attacked you, WTF?
All I did was assure this woman, on this thread that she would be OK, and some pointers on how she will be (and she will be, and the good doctor agrees with me) and give correct BULLSHIT information that “Phil” posted.
Are YOU “Phil” also, as well as “Richard Little” and the rest of the Misogyny bunch? How many names ARE you posting under?
Everyone is entitled to their opinions, but making up “facts” (like “Phil” did a few posts above) is not right. Unless he has a lot of experience with well endowed men, HOW could he know any of the crap he posted? He couldn’t. It’s just sour grapes and a sad sad man posting under a number of different names, obsessively following other posters around the board, and generally irritating the rest of us. (not to mention the general creepiness of doing both of these)
You are entitled to your opinion, but I have NEVER insulted a man, here or in real life for his size, and I resent your lying that I did.
Go mind your own business. I have a right to post, YOU do NOT have a right to misinterpret my every move and continually attack me. What a sad sad person you must be. You don’t LIKE women, do you?
Pathetic.
Yeah Enrique, maybe I was a little harsh for this thread, but if you read some of Madamoiselle L’s other posts she goes on and on about how amazing huge schlongs are and women who disagree must have never experienced one before… Belittles any man who responds with less and tells him to buy his gf a huge sex toy because he’ll never satisfy her.
I know many women who complain about girths above 5.25. A 6 inch girth is too much for most women and 8 inches if its even possible wouldn’t come anywhere near 95% of the female population.
Her stretch for childbirth remarks are also comical was well. Childbirth is not an experience most women would want to reproduce as a regular part of their sex lives.
What he said.
Phil ignore Madamoiselle L she/he seems to get her/his jollies off convincing random men on the internet that they are sexually inadequate. She/he immediately responds to any posts that women prefer normal sized penises with condescending passive aggressive rants about how it takes a huge schlong to really satisfy a woman etc, etc…
In one of the other penis size threads she claimed that “her man” has a penis with a circumference of 8+ inches. A few people responded that seems a little exaggerated as it is MUCH larger than any male porn star ever. Seriously the max circumference of a baseball bat allowed in major league baseball is 8.6 inches. Are you seriously with a straight face claiming that “your man’s” penis is so large it would almost be disqualified as a baseball bat? Several posters pointed this out, but she never backed off her claims.
In the other thread on stamina she claimed that real men can last for hours in bed and girls should dump immature boys who last for minutes and get with real men who can go all night… yawn.
Seriously dude/chick get a therapist and stop taking out your sexual issues on strangers on the internet. Your posts are comically exaggerated and poorly informed. Vaginas are not meant to accommodate baseball bats comfortably. Yes women give birth to babies, but the reason the doctors tell them not to have intercourse for a few months afterwards is to allow all of the vaginal tearing that occurs during childbirth time to heal. Thousands of women are admitted to the ER every year for “accomodating” men much less girthy than 8 inches.
There are some women who enjoy absurd levels of vaginal dilation, but most women are not into fisting and baseball bats are not commonly used as sex toys. Too large is just as much a problem for most women as the “too small” men that you belittle in all of your posts. And lastly I seriously doubt that you even even have a vagina, usually only men are this obsessed with penis size and sexual inadequacy issues. A baseball bat sized penis wielding man that has tons of sexual partners who he makes scream in extacy then ends up with a virgin sounds a lot more like a male sexual fantasy that a female sexual fantasy as does constantly trying to convince strangers on the internet that this is reality.
If you find that he is still too big, one couple I know tried this:
Get a pocket pussy and cut a donut-sized ring off of the end of it, then slide it down around the base of his penis. This will create a soft bumper to help limit how deep he is entering you. As far as his width, I can’t help you. Good luck!
My man is very, very hung and while we do need to take our time getting into things most nights, I’ve never had a problem having GREAT sex with him in ANY position. Sure, he can’t always penetrate me with the full length of his penis, but we both always enjoy ourselves very much.
Spooning is a great position to start in with a larger man. My boyfriend and I love pretty much any variation on doggy style, especially when I lay flat on my stomach with a pillow underneath my hips and him kneeling between or over my legs. This is also great for intimacy because he can lean forward and envelope me, give me kisses, hug me, etc.
Also, OP, consider the fact that once he’s “in” you, he should still take his time and use gentle, shallow thrusts for awhile. Once that’s comfortable, THEN go for the more enthusiastic, “jackhammer” type sex.
*applauds Mlle. L*
Phil said: “honestly, the sex of these guys will probably never be anywhere close to good, and both will get unsatisfied with it very quickly …” You know this HOW? Phil I have to disagree. My Man is a Biggie. He was my first, so I didn’t know any different. We have never been “unsatisfied.” It’s always been fantastic. We have NO problem with “doggie style” (as you call it) or any other position. Cowgirl is a little difficult, because I am just too damn lazy to have to basically halfway stand up with every thrust (and I’m not fond of that position anyway) but aside from that, everything else works just fine. People were MEANT to fit together.
The female vagina can accommodate an infant’s head during childbirth (and it isn’t the vagina which causes most of the pain, it’s the cervix dilating and the uterine contractions) so a woman can accommodate a well endowed man and go right back to where she was (vagina at rest, with walls touching each other) within an hour or so.
The vagina was MEANT to be elastic, it really doesn’t stay “stretched out” (as some men, who have some issues, are fond of saying) because in healthy women the sides touch when the vagina is at rest, even when the woman has a large lover or has had babies. A good water based lube can be very helpful, as can being really aroused.
You also claimed: “but even if these guys manage to get some sex going with these tips they will still have some difficult times after the first couple of times, when the initial happiness to just have sex has died of” Uh, My Man never had any trouble getting laid before he met me. He was my first, but I wasn’t his. Women really like him and always have. WHERE are you getting this stuff?
Believe me, these guys CAN, unlike you claimed “be anywhere close to good.” They can be fantastic. (There is also more to sex than just intercourse and ANY man can be good at those options, with some practice.) I have NO IDEA where you got your notions.
The OP will eventually learn what works for her and her lover, and she will be able to not only accommodate him, but totally enjoy him.
Tight Fit, side lying might be a good option for you two to try. Also, My Man likes to kind of lie on his side, while I am on my back and it works nicely like that, too. You two will find a way for this to be great, if you work on it, and really care for each other. In the end, this “issue” is NOT a problem, but actually an asset. And, of course, there is more to sex than just the intercourse.
Good luck.
I don’t want to sound too negative, but even if these guys manage to get some sex going with these tips they will still have some difficult times after the first couple of times, when the initial happiness to just have sex has died of.
No doggy-style, always be very careful, find a position that does not hurt so much and stick to it, 10 minutes is not THAT bad … honestly, the sex of these guys will probably never be anywhere close to good, and both will get unsatisfied with it very quickly …