Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I’m 21, he’s 28. He’s the only person to ever perform oral sex on me, so while I have no one to compare him too, I know that he is bad at oral sex. He pushes his entire face on my lady region and just moves side to side, as if that is supposed to feel good. He hardly uses his tongue and I don’t think he even understands he needs to focus on the clit. After 3 years, I have no idea how to tell him that he’s not doing it right. Help!
— Suffering in Silence
Dear SiS,
Oh dear. We’re tempted to tell you to dump this guy and start over with a new one, because it’s a million times harder to teach an old partner new tricks. This is in large part because there’s no easy way to say, “You’ve been screwing up for three years and I just never got around to telling you.” How would his ego ever recover from such a blow? How would he ever know to trust your sexual response in bed again? This is why we emphasize again and again and again the importance of communication in bed from the out-set — not to mention the importance of never faking.
But maybe he’s a good guy. Maybe you really love him. We’re going to assume you do, as there’s obviously a reason you stuck with him despite godawful oral. First off, it’s important that you lose the attitude (are we wrong in sensing a little attitude in the phrase as if that is supposed to feel good?). How on earth is he supposed to know what feels good if you never tell him? Maybe his last girlfriend didn’t like clitoral attention during oral (some ladies don’t) and that’s why he’s shying away from yours. Or maybe no woman has ever had the decency to tell him how to do it, which means he’s flailing away down there like a wind-up toy.
Once you’ve accepted that you’re as much, if not more, to blame as he is, you can start your gentle campaign to reeducate him. The next time he goes down on you, ask him — as if it’s a thought that just occurred to you — to focus on your clitoris. When he gets there, give him feedback — faster, slower, harder, softer, a little to the left, etc. And when he gets it right, go crazy with the positive feedback: moan, call his name, say yes, whatever works for you. The next time he goes down on you, offer a different specific suggestion of something he might try. Again, guide him gently and go nuts when he gets it right. Don’t try to change his entire approach in one session — after all, you’ve waited three years, what’s another few weeks?
Oh, and next time you’re going down on him, why not ask what he’d like you to do? Just in case, you know, he’s been suffering in silence for three years too. Kidding! (Sort of.)
— Em & Lo
I’ve always said, “I’m happy to give my partner 30 min to an hour of oral, and then I’m happy with my 5 min.” Most guys don’t understand, it takes girls longer. I’m older (64) and suffer from ED. After 44 yrs, my wife doesn’t enjoy sex any more, so I’ve begun to offer my “Services,” to other women, and asking nothing in return. Women enjoy receiving oral, without having to return the favor, and they seem to enjoy receiving oral for as long as necessary to achieve complete and multiple orgasms. Maybe the answer is try an “Older Guy!”
Just tell him what you like. Its no where near the level of a problem that you think it is. Its not going to be like a convo you have with your female friends. Just tell him straight up what you like, preferably with your hands down his pants. No dancing around or careful approach needed.
Kills 3 birds with 1 stone. Insures you have his fullest attention. Makes it impossible for him to take what you say negatively. Gets him moving in the right direction to put it into practice right away for easier retention.
Em & lo are just spot on here. Don’t ever tell your boyfriend you “think he sucks at going down on you.” A negative comment like this will destroy a guys ego and have the opposite effect you want. Start giving him some guidance and little tricks while he’s doing it. If he does it right, give him a lot of verbal positive reinforcement. He’ll be a pro in no time.
I completely agree with Johnny, when it comes to oral sex guys have a much harder time with knowing what to do. I am one of those women who don’t like clitoral stimulation but I believe most women do so every woman is different. Although I am slightly worried by this woman’s admission that her bf hardly uses his tongue. You really should have been honest with him from the begining and Em & Lo are right you should lose the attitude as you are just as at fault for not discussing this with him. I didn’t like my bf’s oral at first either but I discussed it with him straight away and sensitively. He’s a big boy and he was perfectly fine with it. The bottom line here is that if you can’t talk to your partner about sex you probably shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.
QUIT your bitching… at least he DOES it. A lot of men want bj’s but don’t want to do it back.
I have a guy who sucked at it and didn’t like, which is my guess, the reason he sucked. He stopped doing it and while I wish he would, I’m glad he doesn’t. I’m sexually frustrated enough with him without needing to add this to the sexual pot.
He’s an otherwise good guy, just has no sex drive. OH well. I guess we can’t win them all can we?
One problem, from a guy’s point of view, is that the vagina is a very complicated organ compared to the penis. What women like down there is much more varied and nuanced than what guys like down there (I mean, I think…). One woman needs you to rub to the left, the next to the right. One likes up-and-down tongue, the next woman likes side-to-side. One lady likes the tongue inside her, the next hates that. Fast, slow, etc.
We don’t know unless you tell us.
Guys tend to import techniques from one woman to the next (particularly guys prone to LTR’s). His last GF might have LOVED the way he used his mouth on her. Maybe that’s why he does it that way.
Just something to keep in mind. If it helps you understand your guy, that is. If it makes you angry and jealous, never mind. Forget I said anything.
A little late in the day, perhaps, but one way to broach the subject (after three years of silence) would be to say something like “I stumbled across this blog and got some great ideas about oral — some for me to try on you and some I’d love you to try on me.”
Em & Lo would be a good choice, of course. (Although obviously don’t show him this post… at least not first!) They’ve got some great advice. There are other great choices out there as well, which is good because that improves the chances that you’ll find a post that would work for you and wouldn’t be an ego-bruiser for him. (Same goes for techniques for you to try on him.)
Would that work for you?
Good luck,
figleaf
This entire topic together with the comments is hilarious.
I’m an older dude~gent~guy who has always been more into giving than receiving.
I was fortunate to meet a very young cougar when I was very youngER.
She was very clear about this, that and everything else.
I am, no, YOU ladies owe her.lol
There is one major element to all this which I learned early on and have always done~~PAID ATTENTION.
A woman always tells you what she likes, whether she knows it or not, by her body language.
Of course, I have an unfair advantage due to having a space between my two front upper teeth;~) Load and lock, baby.lol
Anyway, guys just need to pay attention and, if you’re uncertain of what she likes, ASK from time to time.
And learn how to find her OH GEE spot.
Maybe you stink downtown!!
I have the worse situation ever. My first husband, a world class asshole, was also world class in oral sex. The bedroom was where he excelled, but he was horrible at life. My new husband is a gem, but doesn’t have a clue about oral sex, and I’m afraid he never will. I’ve tried teaching, hinting, etc. He doesn’t get it. Sigh! A nice guy that is bad in bed vs. a bad guy that is good in bed. Story of my life!! I just resigned myself to this is the price payed for being with a nice guy. Double sigh and a tear!
It all comes down to communication which is not optional, but compulsory. If all problems were solved by suffering in silence, it would be a very quiet world.
I luv to perform cunnilingus –really do, but not sseing anyone right now. Living in Toronto. Any ladies interested? Feel free to drop me a line.
William: That opening paragraph was not meant as serious advice, but rather a tongue-in-cheek reflection of our exasperation with situations like these. Also – and it’s important to know this – our exasperation is NOT about the bad oral, but about the utter lack of communication. Plenty of happy relationships can survive a lack of oral, or poor oral. But no relationship can survive a lack of communication.
I think the bulk of the first paragraph, that Em & Lo wrote, was pitiful. How could they even consider telling SiS to drop her boyfriend because of bad oral? I thought the balance of their advice was good as SiS wanted to know how to rectify the problem. I especially like the part where they point out how SiS comment could be taken condescending by her boyfriend and that SiS too is responsible for the situation she finds herself in.
I can kind of feel for you.
My man (26) and I (21) have had quite the experience when it comes to oral. He had never preformed it until I came around. So, at first, he would do his version of pleasuring me. Not very satisfying. Each time after that, I would guide him one step at a time. Now, he’s much more confident in his skills and I’m definitely reaping the benefits.
Be honest!! It’s better for all parties involved. Even if not from the beginning- better late than never. Good luck!
If at 28 the guy can’t tell if you’re excited by how wet you’re getting and by your body language, I feel very sorry for him and you. My wife always gets two orgasms orally (because that’s all she can handle) before the main event and I wouldn’t have it any other way.