Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I’m 21, he’s 28. He’s the only person to ever perform oral sex on me, so while I have no one to compare him too, I know that he is bad at oral sex. He pushes his entire face on my lady region and just moves side to side, as if that is supposed to feel good. He hardly uses his tongue and I don’t think he even understands he needs to focus on the clit. After 3 years, I have no idea how to tell him that he’s not doing it right. Help!
— Suffering in Silence
Dear SiS,
Oh dear. We’re tempted to tell you to dump this guy and start over with a new one, because it’s a million times harder to teach an old partner new tricks. This is in large part because there’s no easy way to say, “You’ve been screwing up for three years and I just never got around to telling you.” How would his ego ever recover from such a blow? How would he ever know to trust your sexual response in bed again? This is why we emphasize again and again and again the importance of communication in bed from the out-set — not to mention the importance of never faking.
But maybe he’s a good guy. Maybe you really love him. We’re going to assume you do, as there’s obviously a reason you stuck with him despite godawful oral. First off, it’s important that you lose the attitude (are we wrong in sensing a little attitude in the phrase as if that is supposed to feel good?). How on earth is he supposed to know what feels good if you never tell him? Maybe his last girlfriend didn’t like clitoral attention during oral (some ladies don’t) and that’s why he’s shying away from yours. Or maybe no woman has ever had the decency to tell him how to do it, which means he’s flailing away down there like a wind-up toy.
Once you’ve accepted that you’re as much, if not more, to blame as he is, you can start your gentle campaign to reeducate him. The next time he goes down on you, ask him — as if it’s a thought that just occurred to you — to focus on your clitoris. When he gets there, give him feedback — faster, slower, harder, softer, a little to the left, etc. And when he gets it right, go crazy with the positive feedback: moan, call his name, say yes, whatever works for you. The next time he goes down on you, offer a different specific suggestion of something he might try. Again, guide him gently and go nuts when he gets it right. Don’t try to change his entire approach in one session — after all, you’ve waited three years, what’s another few weeks?
Oh, and next time you’re going down on him, why not ask what he’d like you to do? Just in case, you know, he’s been suffering in silence for three years too. Kidding! (Sort of.)
— Em & Lo
Dr Mountbank, I agree with froggie!!!! teach a class! Just reading your words got my heart racing! 😉
smittenkitten, yes i get that but he doesn’t get it I think its because nobody has ever told him about himself regarding anything not just intimate business because he is this thick headed for everything… I just love him too much too leave him.. sad i know but maybe i deserved this somehow
Dear Cashliew, I think its time to go! If you feel that you have given him ample times or time to get things right and he still refuses, then its time to go. I understand waiting for that someone because that is what I did. Yeah, didn’t work well either, he was horrid at oral! My current soon to be fiance’ is great at it! And having sex and making love is completely different…in past relationships I have felt used, but I told myself “I’ll be damned”, so I moved on.
Even the quickies are amazing because it feels like I’m still making long lasting love with him.
oh yeah and he says i ask for too much that i am high maintenance that other girls would think just sticking it in is enough..I explained to him “other girls are not open nor honest and they fake it for the sake of the male ego and have ruined for the honest upfront girls” :he still doesn’t get it
Unfortunately I have the same problem even worse my fiance wont go down on me period. I was a virgin when I met him (my own choice to hold off) I know this is something I want and how I want it. I am very open when it comes to communicating for anything and everything. But he even rarely satisfies me with intercourse he is too selfish foreplay isn’t even in his vocabulary. I often feel used afterwards. Even after explaining all of this to him he still gives me nothing that i ask for. I erupting with sexual frustration feeling quite jipped.I waited for the “right” guy I love him more than anything but what he calls making love is far from it I feel like a 2 dollar whore …
I don’t it. He’s your bf, shouldn’t you guys be communicating? Seriously! You’ve been together for so long!
How hard can it be just to say, babe a little to the right, or, if feeling a lil more frisky…no words required- just push his head down where you want it 😛
Give him this book:
http://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260/
“One of my girlfrieds said this book was fantastic. Let’s read it together and see what I like best!”
Problem solved!
dear mountbank…..oh my goodness…teach a class on this for the young and dumb / clueless boys… where do you live sexy??if the penis stops working…and the tongue STILL works…praise the LORD.!!!!!and call me!!!
WOW!!!!!
If I was bad at that (which i know i am very good, thank you, my GF tells me in more than one way hehe) I would be glad to hear it from you in the privacy of our bedroom. Between us is fine. I would rather hear that, rather than you spent $20,000 on our credit cards
I’m also an Old Guy, 70 to be exact. I have over 50 years of experience going down on women, and I can say without hesitation that each woman is different. Truly. Like DNA or fingerprints, no two pussies are the same. Patience young men (and young women, too!), patience and a willing heart combined with a woman who feels SAFE telling you what she wants and can do so clearly…that is the key to bring many women to peak passionate release. For me there is nothing quite like pleasing a woman; first learning about her, and then pleasing her.
At my age, women are hard to come by (no pun intended, or maybe I did intend that one. Hmmm…), and I do sorely miss engaging in lovemaking with more than my hand (and for those women out there who are about to bite my head off because they think “young” is what I’m looking for? My last girlfriend was 72. And she dumped me! But not for failure below the meridian. Because I was too old for her ageist, sexist ass.
But that is all past now. I just want younger men and women to know that when I say practice and learning and all that, that I am not talking about years or even months. You can earn – as I did – the appellation of “an educated tongue” within a few hours or a few days. I was 23 when I was told for the first time – post cunnilingus, of course – that I had an “Educated Tongue”. And she wasn’t talking about linguistic facility in Mandarin. But she WAS talking about communication, that is communication between us via my tongue, lips, chin (yes boys, chin) and…this may be the most difficult to imagine without guffawing: my nose. (Settle down, Children, settle down…)
Now using virtually all of your facial features to pleasure a lady may seem not only far-fetched but just plain weird; Butt, Guys, I’m trying to stir your imaginations; women are happy if you just learn to use your tongue intelligently and passionately (really truly enjoy what you are doing, Boys!);>o but if you’re willing to put in the time, then you may one day be able to surprise your woman with a double-tucking chin push followed by a nose-over combination double-twisting tongue-flip. That’s what took me fifty years to perfect! And I am only being slightly silly there, Lads. Some of those things I can actually still do!
But this is completely true: of all the sexual expressions which I have enjoyed in my life, when I say that it is performing oral sex on a woman that I miss the most, I am not being in the slightest bit glib or facile. I could forego almost everything else if I could still be allowed that one special intimacy with a woman. ekw
Your response about tongue in cheek seems to be the problem. The tongue is supposed to be somewhere else.
Johnney is spot on.
Another suggestion may be to masturbate clearly in front of him and only hit your clit. Show him and tell him gently. A woman is like a flower that you must slowly open. It is not a dive right in situation. soft touches will cause the flower to slowly open.
There are also good arctics on the web on how to do it. Maybe suggesting that after three years you want to try something new because it could be fun. Maybe after he sees your response he will change his dance style with you.
Your problem is not unusual. I was dating a guy for 5 years that would do this annoying hip wiggle thing that hurt my hips. One day I my hips were sore and I was not in a good mood and told him not to do that darn hip thing. He said that he thought I liked it. This whole time I thought it was just his thing so I put up with it. He has not done it since.
PERFUME? Directly!?
u need to shave and keep it clean, also try a nice perfume directly,
i always do it to my girlfriend but she has hair and doesnt apply perfume, she is scared to use body-spray or perfume on her private area. still i do it to satisfy her…