Dear Em & Lo: My Girlfriend Isn’t As Hot As Other Girls

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Dear Em and Lo,

I love my girlfriend, but she isn’t as hot as other girls I see around, and I’m attracted to them, too. I would likely bang one if I had the chance. What should I do?


Dick Sanchez

Dear Dickhead,

Let us guess, you’re Dirty Sanchez’s pervy younger brother, yes?

We don’t think you’re entirely clear on the definition of the word “love.” Please break up with this girl immediately and give her the chance to meet a guy who actually deserves her.

Also, if you insist on using “bang” as a verb, then you should get used to spending a lot of time with your right hand. Actually, we’re pretty sure you should get used to spending a lot of time with your right hand, period.

We hope you grow up to be a better dude.

That’s all.

Em & Lo



  1. What are you really looking for? A meaningful relationship or just sex? Sometimes the “hot girls” are a good relationship catch, and sometimes they’re too expensive to maintain or won’t be faithful. Sometimes the plain girls are a good catch, and sometimes they’re not for the same reasons. You have to think if it’s worth the compromise to you to give up the hotness for someone who genuinely cares for you. Make your choice and if it’s the hot girl then at least break up with the plain girl first and free her to find someone who cherishes her for all she is.

  2. He probably is a troll, but either way he’s deserving of what ever unsympathetic remarks come his way. Trolls aren’t worthy of much respect, usually being pathetic little maggots clinging to the underbelly of life, seeking morsels of detritus to perpetuate their meager, distasteful existence. And any man, using the term loosely of course, who would speak that way of his girlfriend doesn’t deserve her or any other girl. Every female I know and most farmyard animals would be way out of his league.

  3. We agree that he’s probably a troll, but either way, sometimes a public spanking just feels good.

  4. I think the author is just a troll who, if I know trolls, is now delighted to see that his comment got an angry reply.

  5. I think they were offended by his attitude- he’s obviously just seeing a girlfriend as an object to brag about, and seems to still be quite immature in his relationship. But I agree with you- why stay with someone if you aren’t attracted to them?

  6. I thought you guys would be gentler, because you usually give people the benefit of the doubt. It might be that this guy is not actually a douchebag, but has a serious vocabulary problem. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he might be worried about being attracted to other women, which is totally normal in a relationship. He shouldn’t do anything, unless “if I had the chance” means “if one of them were willing to have sex with me” and not “if I were single.” If it’s the former and not the latter, he should let this girl go. He clearly lacks the vocabulary healthily negotiate an open relationship.

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