Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve read your books and love your website, but I notice you are against any infidelity and look down on those who have affairs, but you’re okay with swinging and group sex and anal sex probes and bisexuals and all kinds of things that normal folks (who occasionally stray) find disgusting. I guess my point is, how can you judge like that? You judge cheaters but support skank! You know your sex drive better than I do, obviously, but let’s say your husband could no longer perform in bed due to E.D. You don’t honestly expect me to believe you would go without sex or rely on a dildo for the rest of your life, do you? I think that’s B.S.
What I’d like you both to know is that we’re not bad people. We’re your softball coaches and school teachers. I feed my neighbor’s son peanut butter and jelly on a Tuesday afternoon and have sex with her husband on Thursday night because she hasn’t let him touch her since she had the baby — THREE YEARS AGO! We’re not trailer trash from the Jerry Springer show. We’re real people, ignored by our spouses. We’re not evil. Give us a break, okay? After all, it’s not like you two are devout Church-going types either, ya know? You preach about free, uncommitted sex with both the opposite sex and the same sex (as long as a condom is involved) and hey, that’s fine. Just don’t judge the rest of us. There are reasons for the things we do. We don’t spread disease through our little suburban neighborhoods or anything like that.
— Straying Dog
Dear S.D.,
Here’s what we do judge:
- Lying to your husband (except when he asks if his penis is too small).
- Lying to your neighbor (except when she asks if her new haircut makes her look like Blossom).
- Lying to anyone, for that matter. And yes, faking orgasms is lying.
- Sex without barrier protection (i.e. condoms) — unless you’re monogamous, have been tested together, have agreed to incur the risks of forgoing barrier protection, and are using another form of birth control (unless of course you’re both trying to get pregnant together).
- Sexism.
- Homophobia.
- Anti-choice people who want to take away our reproductive rights, comprehensive sex education, and access to birth control.
- Um, we can’t think of much else that we do judge. Pleated khakis on men, maybe?
And here’s what we don’t judge (as long as it’s done safely and consensually, of course):
- Homosexuality.
- Bisexuality.
- Swinging.
- Group sex.
- Open relationships.
- Casual safe sex (so long as both parties understand and accept its casual nature).
- Anal play.
- Sex toys, including anal sex probes.
- Jerry Springer.
- Kink.
- Roleplaying.
- Spanking.
- Bondage.
- Booty calls.
- Dirty talk.
- Phone sex.
- Text sex.
- Pony play (okay, sometimes we judge pony play…hey, we’re only human).
- Strap-on sex.
- Celibacy.
- Solo sex.
- Latex.
- Watersports.
- Legal prostitution.
Need we go on? We didn’t think so. You’re right — you totally nailed us. So long as sex is consensual, legal, honest, and fully condom-ed, we probably wouldn’t judge it. But if you’re married and sleeping with your neighbor’s husband and the respective spouses don’t know about it or don’t condone it — then hells yes, we judge you! You think anal probes are skank? Well, we think that cheating on your husband — and not only that, but doing it with someone else’s husband, to boot — is 100% pure skank.
We know we sound naive when we say this. We know we’re idealists. And we admit we have no idea what it’s like to want to stay in a crumbling marriage for the kids (or for the mortgage). We have no idea what it’s like to be ignored in a marriage — or in the bedroom. And we have no idea what it’s like to be married to an inoperative penis.
We can think of a only a few very special circumstances where unsanctioned cheating might be justifiable, or at least understandable: For example, a husband suffers from E.D. and it threatens his masculinity to the point where he just completely shuts off from anything sexual and doesn’t deal with it at all it in order to keep it together psychologically, while his wife, who loves him and wants to be with him and doesn’t want to break his heart, decides to get a little no-emotional-strings-attached-sex on the side to satisfy her needs. Maybe we could understand that.
Or maybe not. We’re inclined to believe that in the majority of cases of cheating, there’s a lot of rationalizing that’s done on the part of the cheater for two major reasons. First, because it allows people the opportunity for drama and excitement in their lives (doing the forbidden thing, the taboo thing, the wrong thing always does). But that drama and excitement comes at the expense of the trust and feelings and dignity of the people they made a promise to, the people they’re supposed to truly love: their spouses. Second, it’s simply the easier way out.
Sure, it sucks if your husband gets E.D., but isn’t that the whole point of “in sickness and in health”? Also, who said that sex has to be all about intercourse? Last we heard, cunnilingus didn’t involve the penis. Same goes for handwork. And the same goes for most of the stuff in our don’t-judge list, too. We’re sorry, but we just don’t think that faulty mechanics void your marriage vows (assuming, of course, that your marriage vows included sexual fidelity).
And sure, it sucks if your husband or wife ignores you, but since when did cheating solve that? Last we heard, good old-fashioned communication was a much better tool to fix that kind of problem. Or marriage counseling. Or divorce.
If your partner just plain doesn’t want sex anymore and you do — and you’ve tried everything you can possibly think of to remedy the situation, including reading all our books and seeing a sex or marriage therapist together — then ask their permission to have an affair. (Yep, that’s right, if they give their permission, it’s not skanky — it’s just good, clean fun.) If your partner says no, then you have two options: (1) Leave them. (2) Suck it up and deal with a sexless marriage (and learn to appreciate the art of masturbation). And those are your only two options. If sex is soooooooooo important to you that you think it justifies cheating, then it should be important enough to you to get a divorce. And if your marriage is soooooooooo important to you that you can’t possibly consider a divorce, then guess what? You’re going to have to sacrifice the sex part.
If you choose option one and leave your partner, do not, under any circumstances, have an affair with someone else’s spouse. We’re all in this monogamy biz together, and it’s our civic responsibility to keep each other honest and faithful. We don’t care if you’re not spreading STDs (though you can never be 100% sure about that if people are sleeping around) — you’re still spreading lying, disrespect, and some seriously bad karma.
We know that a sanctioned affair isn’t really the “done” thing yet. But you know what? It should be! Slowly, more and more people are catching on. And we’re going to keep on preaching our honesty message until the rest of you cheaters get on board.
And that’s the gospel according to Em & Lo.
From our high horse,
Em & Lo
@emand lo-iq
FYI, in this country the police can’t search your car unless you consent to it.
THANK YOU! I was overhearing a girl on the bus the other day claiming that because her boyfriend kept forgiving her for cheating, she saw no sense in stopping! It’s a disgusting and disgraceful act!
WOW. This is the most hilarious thing I have ever seen. You are worried about consent when half the things that take place in our country do not involve consent. Yes, please search my car officer. Anyways, really ignorance is bliss. If my wife is cheating and I dont know about it, im fine in my own world. I would die happily. If I find out about it, well I am still fine because life goes on. Its called adapting. Its a shame most people are too emotionally fragile to ever comprehend adjusting to a situation, for instance if your mate died in an accident tomorrow. Most people do not understand the mentality of the other person, which thinks he is doing the right thing by staying with the original person. In reality, cheating is really just evidence that you shouldnt be in the relationship you are in because you are not happy. However bad secrets are made to be, I assure you unclean practices are far worse. These people have no morality, yet they profess it by attempting to judge in the first place, and especially by dictating that somehow lying is worse. A sin is a sin no matter what. In either case, keeping a secret is not lying. Learn to use a dictionary, they are 2 different words and meanings. I am glad everyone is happy with their anal gangbangs, its clearly what people that have no intellect do. It is sad when you try to use your brain and this is what comes out. Thanks for cheering me up about my own intellectual wisdom on these subjects
hi, iv ben married for 36 years , my hubby has never had a high sexdrive ,about 15 years ago things started to get worse were having sex maybe 3/4 times a year and it was getting more difficult for him to maintain an erection, about ten years ago things came to a stop altogether , and have staed that way , he was never into oral so these days i get nothing nt even a proper kiss he gives me a peck on the lips as you would a sister , we went docs a few years ago who sad there was nothing wrong and advised my huby to try certain things , he flatly refused saying that nothin would work , he loves me i know and i love him .but what am i meant to do. im only 54 now ben like this since i as 44 , im loking for a lover as iam so bad tempered , yes toys are good bu they carnt give u the human touch
The problem with that position on the high horse is you can’t really see what the cheaters partner is doing to the cheater.. Are they really disfunctional? or are they using their stamina else where? So are they being honest? or mearly staying with the relationship to be near the perks? (be it money status or whatever) Honesty is such a rear comodity, one can never really tell, because as you have already noted, ED can be assisted by a number of remedies.
I do side with the light horse brigade though, if you want to cheat, rather just get out of the relationship. It’s better for your own mental health.
I cheated on my first husband because he also had ED. He was a brittle diabetic who didn’t take care of himself nor did he take his insilin. I eventuantly divorced him and married the person who I was having an affair with. We had a child within the second year of marriage but it failed right after I had her. Because she was born 14 weeks early and I almost died he decided to walk away from us both. I stayed single for a while until I decided to go out and marry my friends ex who turned out to be an okay guy but he has bipolar and alot of anger issues so sex is out of the question. We do have a son which I gave birth to him a year in to the marriage. But even though sometimes I get really frusterated with him and sometimes I want to flee from him because of his manic moments I would never cheat on him. He doesn’t have ed, he is just not into having sex. We haven’t had sex in almost a year and I had a total hysterectomy since then as well so sex isn’t really that important in a marriage it is and it isn’t. If your that horny and you need to get the big O to satisfy your needs by all means MASTERBATE!!! you think the grass is greener on the other side? It;s not.
As described by the dictionary; cheating is lying. And you cant change that, no matter how many excuses you have it is cheating! Now Because I’m sure both of you are adults and consenting adults then hey if that’s what you want to do then, go right ahead. Just remember a cheater does not cheat once, if he or she know they did not get caught then it becomes a habit were they continue to cheat hopefully the next person you cheat on is not him and the next person he cheats on is not you! As long as you understand your consequences of cheating then hey by all means have fun! But be very aware, it’s all fun and games until you are the one that gets hurt. Trust me, it’s not a pretty feeling when your the one asking were have you been all night and who have you been with. 🙂 have fun, and remember what begins wrong will most likely and wrong. I wish I would’ve listen to the many many who told me it’s not the best idea but sometimes we have to try it for ourselves and that’s how we learn even as adults.
As the wife of a man who was cheated on in a previous marriage, I can say without a doubt that it can be earth shattering for some people. I love my husband dearly, but I also know that he’s not the person he could be today because of what happened. If you love and are devoted to the person you’re with (not just married to), you’ll do whatever it takes to make them happy. End of discussion.
Just seconding Bonnie’s comment. My parents were in a loveless marriage most of my upbringing (though my older siblings say it wasn’t always like that), and A) my sister and I knew, though we wouldn’t have known how to explain it, but what we thought we knew was B) THAT is what marriage is supposed to be. My sister ended up in a loveless marriage that lasted for a long time and only recently ended, and I have spent the entirety of my 20s and the better part of my 30s fearing commitments lasting too long, as what is subconsciously ingrained in me is that passion and love don’t last that long. I know logically that isn’t the case, of course, but at 35 my longest relationship has been a year and a half…
So when people say “we’re thinking of staying together for the children”, I usually reply “you should break up for the children”. Trust me, they’ll have a MUCH better picture of what meaningful relationships are if you do.
As for the cheating question, to me it’s never a question. It is lying and betraying. Period. If you don’t have the balls to talk to your spouse, then either end the marriage or suck it up and don’t cheat. I realize we are all human and fallible, I’m not perfect by any means. But though I have been cheated on and I have been the other guy (which I regret), I can honestly say that I have never and would never cheat, because what’s the point of having the relationship in the first place if a bit of sex is worth more than it?
(This is no judgment on polyamory or discussed outside relations/play, those are situations where everyone involved has had the right to decide what they want; if you cheat, you are taking that right away from your partner)
re:mrs,m iam married too!have a good life a 3yr old son,my husband he acts immature a lot of time,i feel like i have 2 kids,i always wished that i would have a matured &understanding husband!well now the place i work i met a guy ,who just had a devorced&right now he dating 10 girls at a same time,he asked for my number,i gave it to him &now we see each other,we also kissed!he is still dating a lot of women,iam attracted towards him only with just that 1 kiss !makes me want him more,i am preety sure he will be good in bed too!but now i dont know what to do?i so want to have sex with him but iam feeling bad about cheating on my husband,need help!
I said: “Many of us here in the US, and other Western Nations, have had to make our own money and make our own lives” THAT wasn’t right. Most people IN THE WORLD have to make their own money and thier own lives. No matter where they live.
I’ll never figure out “The Rich” and the way they think (or rather rationalize) if I live to be 104.
Re: Mrs. M. There is a balance between trying very hard to salvage a relationship to someone you really really love, and staying with someone you NEVER loved out of….what? A “love” of money? I am sorry, but I just don’t get the “I’d be left penniless if I did not marry him.” SO? My parents didn’t give me money when I moved out (they were divorced, and didn’t seem to have any) I WAS “penniless.” (most young otherwise middle class people start out this way) I finished college, and married a likewise “penniless” man whom I LOVED.
I would NEVER marry for money, and it seems Mrs. M did so. Many of us here in the US, and other Western Nations, have had to make our own money and make our own lives. I’m sorry that Mrs. M. was going to be cut off from her parents’ and inlaws money if she didn’t marry the man she never loved but SO WHAT? Most of us make our OWN way in the world. Most of us don’t have rich relatives to depend on, and in the long run, especially if those relatives expect us to marry people we hate, IT’S JUST BETTER to make your own life. Sorry, but blaming “culture” is a bad excuse for bad behavior which really harms people.
My father was old world Mediterranean. I had dated only ONE man from “our” culture in my life, and didn’t want to marry him. I went back to the man I was first in love with, from an “other culture” in my early 20s (we had never actually made a complete break, it’s a LONG story)
I used to hear, “Can’t you find a nice (insert ethnic group here) boy?” I’d just say, “Nope.” and carry on what I was doing. There wasn’t money involved, but there was “TRADITION” (my father, when he was wed to my mom, was the first to ever marry OUT of his ethnic group in his family and his neighborhood, and it ended badly, so he was convinced, well, you know) I just ignored the ethnic pressures, and My Man and I made our own way. Not a “penny” from our families. We made our own pennies. And dollars. That’s actually how MOST people manage their lives.
I just can’t see marrying for money, “Culture” or no culture. People LEAVE their home countries to get away from the bullshit of restrictive “cultures” in a lot of cases. Your kids will KNOW you don’t love each other, and they will eventually figure out you are cheating.
You want advice (you thought I wouldn’t give some?) Dump the man you can’t stand, GET AN EDUCATION and make your own way in the world and live on what you CAN make yourself. JMHO.
Mrs. M. I was the child of that marriage. Trust me, we can tell when you aren’t in love. It doesn’t matter if you don’t argue, or if you put on a smile for the kids. I can remember at the age of three wondering. Get a divorce. We’ll understand. Nothing makes me happier then the smile on my father’s face with his new wife. They were made for each other in ways my mom and him just aren’t.
Many people tend to forget that marriage, by definition, requires patience, humility, and SACRIFICE. As far as I know, marriage vows say “for better, or for worse”, not “as long as you’re happy, honey!” Many loving and enduring relationship have had to weather adversity (sometimes PROLONGED adversity). Unfortunately today, many feel so entitled that the marriage vows don’t seem to mean much of anything to some anymore.
Cheating is cheating, PERIOD. I am only human, so I know i am fallible, but I think I’d rather kill myself than let my selfish indulgence be the cause of pain for my lady. And… If my desire to be with another woman ever became that urgent, I’d either… A. Discuss it with wife and perhaps compromise (threesome, etc.) or B. Get over it and enjoy what i DO have.
Sex is playing important role in mariage but
Mariage is not just about sex or atraction.