Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve read your books and love your website, but I notice you are against any infidelity and look down on those who have affairs, but you’re okay with swinging and group sex and anal sex probes and bisexuals and all kinds of things that normal folks (who occasionally stray) find disgusting. I guess my point is, how can you judge like that? You judge cheaters but support skank! You know your sex drive better than I do, obviously, but let’s say your husband could no longer perform in bed due to E.D. You don’t honestly expect me to believe you would go without sex or rely on a dildo for the rest of your life, do you? I think that’s B.S.
What I’d like you both to know is that we’re not bad people. We’re your softball coaches and school teachers. I feed my neighbor’s son peanut butter and jelly on a Tuesday afternoon and have sex with her husband on Thursday night because she hasn’t let him touch her since she had the baby — THREE YEARS AGO! We’re not trailer trash from the Jerry Springer show. We’re real people, ignored by our spouses. We’re not evil. Give us a break, okay? After all, it’s not like you two are devout Church-going types either, ya know? You preach about free, uncommitted sex with both the opposite sex and the same sex (as long as a condom is involved) and hey, that’s fine. Just don’t judge the rest of us. There are reasons for the things we do. We don’t spread disease through our little suburban neighborhoods or anything like that.
— Straying Dog
Dear S.D.,
Here’s what we do judge:
- Lying to your husband (except when he asks if his penis is too small).
- Lying to your neighbor (except when she asks if her new haircut makes her look like Blossom).
- Lying to anyone, for that matter. And yes, faking orgasms is lying.
- Sex without barrier protection (i.e. condoms) — unless you’re monogamous, have been tested together, have agreed to incur the risks of forgoing barrier protection, and are using another form of birth control (unless of course you’re both trying to get pregnant together).
- Sexism.
- Homophobia.
- Anti-choice people who want to take away our reproductive rights, comprehensive sex education, and access to birth control.
- Um, we can’t think of much else that we do judge. Pleated khakis on men, maybe?
And here’s what we don’t judge (as long as it’s done safely and consensually, of course):
- Homosexuality.
- Bisexuality.
- Swinging.
- Group sex.
- Open relationships.
- Casual safe sex (so long as both parties understand and accept its casual nature).
- Anal play.
- Sex toys, including anal sex probes.
- Jerry Springer.
- Kink.
- Roleplaying.
- Spanking.
- Bondage.
- Booty calls.
- Dirty talk.
- Phone sex.
- Text sex.
- Pony play (okay, sometimes we judge pony play…hey, we’re only human).
- Strap-on sex.
- Celibacy.
- Solo sex.
- Latex.
- Watersports.
- Legal prostitution.
Need we go on? We didn’t think so. You’re right — you totally nailed us. So long as sex is consensual, legal, honest, and fully condom-ed, we probably wouldn’t judge it. But if you’re married and sleeping with your neighbor’s husband and the respective spouses don’t know about it or don’t condone it — then hells yes, we judge you! You think anal probes are skank? Well, we think that cheating on your husband — and not only that, but doing it with someone else’s husband, to boot — is 100% pure skank.
We know we sound naive when we say this. We know we’re idealists. And we admit we have no idea what it’s like to want to stay in a crumbling marriage for the kids (or for the mortgage). We have no idea what it’s like to be ignored in a marriage — or in the bedroom. And we have no idea what it’s like to be married to an inoperative penis.
We can think of a only a few very special circumstances where unsanctioned cheating might be justifiable, or at least understandable: For example, a husband suffers from E.D. and it threatens his masculinity to the point where he just completely shuts off from anything sexual and doesn’t deal with it at all it in order to keep it together psychologically, while his wife, who loves him and wants to be with him and doesn’t want to break his heart, decides to get a little no-emotional-strings-attached-sex on the side to satisfy her needs. Maybe we could understand that.
Or maybe not. We’re inclined to believe that in the majority of cases of cheating, there’s a lot of rationalizing that’s done on the part of the cheater for two major reasons. First, because it allows people the opportunity for drama and excitement in their lives (doing the forbidden thing, the taboo thing, the wrong thing always does). But that drama and excitement comes at the expense of the trust and feelings and dignity of the people they made a promise to, the people they’re supposed to truly love: their spouses. Second, it’s simply the easier way out.
Sure, it sucks if your husband gets E.D., but isn’t that the whole point of “in sickness and in health”? Also, who said that sex has to be all about intercourse? Last we heard, cunnilingus didn’t involve the penis. Same goes for handwork. And the same goes for most of the stuff in our don’t-judge list, too. We’re sorry, but we just don’t think that faulty mechanics void your marriage vows (assuming, of course, that your marriage vows included sexual fidelity).
And sure, it sucks if your husband or wife ignores you, but since when did cheating solve that? Last we heard, good old-fashioned communication was a much better tool to fix that kind of problem. Or marriage counseling. Or divorce.
If your partner just plain doesn’t want sex anymore and you do — and you’ve tried everything you can possibly think of to remedy the situation, including reading all our books and seeing a sex or marriage therapist together — then ask their permission to have an affair. (Yep, that’s right, if they give their permission, it’s not skanky — it’s just good, clean fun.) If your partner says no, then you have two options: (1) Leave them. (2) Suck it up and deal with a sexless marriage (and learn to appreciate the art of masturbation). And those are your only two options. If sex is soooooooooo important to you that you think it justifies cheating, then it should be important enough to you to get a divorce. And if your marriage is soooooooooo important to you that you can’t possibly consider a divorce, then guess what? You’re going to have to sacrifice the sex part.
If you choose option one and leave your partner, do not, under any circumstances, have an affair with someone else’s spouse. We’re all in this monogamy biz together, and it’s our civic responsibility to keep each other honest and faithful. We don’t care if you’re not spreading STDs (though you can never be 100% sure about that if people are sleeping around) — you’re still spreading lying, disrespect, and some seriously bad karma.
We know that a sanctioned affair isn’t really the “done” thing yet. But you know what? It should be! Slowly, more and more people are catching on. And we’re going to keep on preaching our honesty message until the rest of you cheaters get on board.
And that’s the gospel according to Em & Lo.
From our high horse,
Em & Lo
When I was 71 year old I had a massive stroke and as a result got ED. I told my beautiful sexy wife to go take a lover. She found a very sexy guy to satisfy her needs and I am was very please as she became content and happy again. 3 years later her lover is still fucking her on a regular bases and her lover and I have become good friends. There is no jealousy in fact listening to them make love is very beautiful and at long last my health is improving and I am starting to get mild erections again. We had a threesome the other day which was very enjoyable and hopefully it will lead me back to being a useful lover to my wife. Even if I get back to good health I would not ask my wife to break up with her boyfriend as she gets so much pleasure from their very sexy sessions together
As a 50 year old married man who is battling both a cardiac issue and as a result of all those meds, new onset uncontrolled diabetes, I have now developed E.D.
The original poster seems to feel that because of E.D., she should be able to cheat. That is pretty obnoxious. A marriage is supposed to be about two people who love each other. Cheating somehow doesn’t include love for the person being cheated on. Kindly don’t use your spouse’s illness as an excuse. Do the right thing and divorce him. Anything else will lead to tragedy.
Another idea is to have an honest, open discussion abou it. Consenting adults can have open relationships as long as everyone involved knows the stakes and the ground rules.
I have offered to the beautiful woman who I married this option. I’m grounded enough to accept my own limitations, though I continue to try and resolve them. She, to her credit did not take this option but appreciated my feelings on the matter.
We have developed other ways of being intimate without going the route of cheating and deceit.
Only want to say that it is not our place to judge, only observe and form an opinion (yes there is a difference). Anyone who has committed adultery has absolutely no right to say anything or ‘preach’ about it. If you have that mark, it is always there. Nothing you can say or do will ever take it away. Being a person that will not lower my standards of living, I will never cheat. Much like I will never rape, murder or steal. Sodomy is wrong, by natures very definition. The anus is even specifically designed to prevent and external penetration. These other ‘sexual acts’ describe, swinging, watersport, three ways, etc. They are also barbaric. We don’t live in 2500 b.c. We have a good ethical bases for almost all subjects and have had it for thousands of years now. We did marginally well until shortly after the 1st world war. We maintained decent control for thousands of years and in the last hundred you all have destroyed it. Reduced us down to animal like sub-humans. No one addresses these issues anymore. Its all live and let live. Fornicate with everyone while your at it. Marry a dog and take some drugs along the way. When we get rid of the Law, chaos ensues. There is no point to life if you live this way. You are wasting your time and your chances. Stand tall, we are the light of the world for crying out loud.
Good day.
Trust is a key factor in a happy marriage .
Cheating is when you break that trust , Swinging is something couples do together . Having sex with your secretary after work and coming home late is deceitful and cheating . Having sex outside the marriage has to be done openly . A woman whose husband suffers ED and no longer tries to make love , may reasonably permit his wife to have sex with another man . Likewise a man whose wife no longer wants sex , may be permitted to have sex with another woman .
Creeping behind a partners back , when the is no need and it is not for a mutual pleasure is hurtful and wrong .
I thought I’d add my 2 cents. I agree completely with Em & Lo. I was in an abusive marriage where my wife would emotionally and verbally abuse me. Her exact words 2 years into the marriage were, “I don’t love you, I don’t trust you, and I’d rather be raped again than have you touch me.” Needless to say, I went years without any intimate contact with her (she was interested in sex twice several years later and was angry at me both times).
After multiple failed attempts at marital therapy where she kept arguing with the therapists, I divorced her (and continued with individual therapy for years after separation to get my head on straight and figure out why I was putting up with her abuse).
The bottom line – I never cheated on her. I didn’t sleep with anyone even during the separation (but before the final divorce) during a 3 year divorce proceeding.
If you want to betray your partner’s trust and sleep with someone else without their permission, I think that is wrong and you should either get their permission or get a divorce.
For those people in a destructive marriage that doesn’t match their inner values, GET OUT. I found that my fear of divorce was far more than the pain of going through a divorce, and going through a divorce was both much less painful than my abusive marriage and that the court system was, to me, incredibly reasonable compared to my ex. I am currently alone (I’d prefer not to be, but that is where I am right now), and am looking for a partner who is not just a really good friend and a creative and passionate lover (my ex was those 2 things initially), but also (and possibly most importantly) a good partner who is emotionally insightful, responsible, fights fairly, and can and is willing to work on a relationship as much as I do.
I do have a young daughter. I have found that I am a FAR more attentive and responsive father to her now than I was during my marriage. During my marriage, I was barely surviving and had nothing to offer my daughter. Now, I can give her the love and attention and guidance that I believe she wants and needs. If a marriage is somewhat functional, staying together for the kids might be worth it (but I really don’t know), but if your marriage is truly broken then remember that your children will model after what they see you doing. Had I stayed, my daughter would have grown up assuming that a battered man is what her future husband should be, and she deserves far better than that.
Well… Mrs.M’s story resonates with my situation. I am not here to ask permission or change anybody’s mind. However conditioning, family background etc play pivotal role in situations like this. Forced marriage at a very young age, forced pregnancies with many children as a result, business built up together, years of sexual neglect, his infidelity etc… I constantly ask for a divorce without much luck (I think mutual agreement on this subject is important) and I am pretty sure he’ll turn into a demon if I were to go down that root without his consent. Asked for an open relationship which he doesn’t want because of his ED as he’s not interested in having sex anymore. He knows that I have somebody else but prefers to ignore it. In any discussion I am more than willing to be honest and he knows it, but prefers to avoid delving into the facts. I don’t think he minds terribly about what I do as long as I am discreet. Doesn’t matter how beautiful or clever one is he has never loved me: married me so he could have a domestic slave, surrogate to make children and all the rest.
I’ve been in a relationship for over a year with one remarkable man, whom I love in every possible sense. But I don’t see anything changing any time soon. I consider myself in an open relationship where all the information one wants to know is only a question away. Good luck to MrsM
I believe that adulterers, be it man or woman, should either be put to death or have their genitals removed and face disfigured.
The defensive nature of this comment rings more of inner uncertainty than anything else. One would guess that your feeling a need to compare and justify your acts with those of others truly shows the shaky ground you stand on.
Rather than worry about being judged simply reckon with the honest truth of your actions.
Though I would never advocate cheating I’m actually looking past that. Why waste your time,or your husbands for that matter. Why not pursue a relationship with someone of like mindedness about the value of truth,and trust in a relationship. Someone who would cheat on you as well,and thereby eliminate the need to justify your actions. It would be consented deceit.
If that’s sounds odd, or emotionally suicidal then perhaps you need to consider two truths…
One, you are knowingly doing something that if done to you would not be acceptable.
Two, you may have answered your very own question you’ve posted here.
The comment above this one is the one worth reading.
As a man who wears pleated khakis, I am deeply offended by your post.
K. Haki
President,
International Organization to Support Pleated Khakis on Men
Wow. I just subscribed by email purely on the merit of this post.
I ended up on Em and Lo searching for a simple answer to a simple question, and then followed a few links to this. I am inexpressibly impressed with the integrity of your answer, and with the authority with which you offered it! GREAT. WORK.
Cheating is not a problem because of sex. Cheating is a problem because of dishonesty. Because of cowardice. Because of laziness. Because of disrespect.
I only know one side of this story: I’ve been faithfully married to an incredible wife for almost 11 years, and we communicate. But for all you cheaters who are quick to point out that I only know one side of this story: SO DO YOU.
Honesty and communication work. You just have to have the courage to try them, instead of pitying yourself and trying to find an easier way to deal with your issues.
I am not famous, but if I were, I would create an institution solely to be able to present Em and Lo with the Robert D. Moores Institute Integrity Award, 2012.
Mrs. M
I grew up in a very religious community and didn’t have any friends with divorced parents. For as long as I can remember I wished that my parents would have gotten a divorce. They waited until I was in my 20s and I ended up being the parent to my younger sisters. Do it now while your kids are young enough that you wont ditch them, and maybe they wont remember how miserable their family life was. All throughout high school I joined every sports team and club that I could to stay out of my parent’s house. You are NOT doing the right thing.
Honestly alot of cheating is soap opera romance novel bullshit all the passion makes it seem justified but in the rnd is never. Many people trll the truth about their feelings that led them to infidelity but dont unferstand that its emotionally more complicated and simpler logically than what they say. Many things can add to the pressure of extramarital sex I wont say them we all know them but chain reactions happen often amd to extremes in emotional relationships like these which means once you cheat it will probably get worse wheter your partner knows or not but by the way they do. The best thing for a healthy you and ahealthy relationship is honesty no matter the cost ignorance has the highest cost even if its your partner who is ignorant to what is going on. In my opinion cheating is a way for a person to add drama to their life for excitment. Also Igrrw up in a house hold where my parents weren’t in love it is apparent to every child when its like that and it sets a bad example adds stress and confuses children it is a horrible reason to stay with someone you don’t love. I understand the christian american point of view wher you have a strong family and nothing breaks it up but honestly its not a reality and if your cheating you really don’t care that much about your faith any way its just an excuse to have something you want but is looked down upon by peers or you. So for your lovers sake your childrens and especially your own tell them how you feel. And what’s happening or your goifng to be very unhappy. Also shut the fuck up with your insults you dirty slut
I love Em and Lo!!! Judge on to the secret cheaters! Have you guys heard of cheatervill.com? I saw it while doing relationship research for a school paper and think that all those shaddy people totally deserve to be called out! “whats so wrong with cheating on my husband?” is such a horrible question, why get married in the first place!
^ Wuh? Wrong. Hope you don’t carry.