How to Have Sex with a Vampire*

1. Get your blood work done beforehand and make sure you bring condoms: while the undead can’t give you any STDs, infections you might have (especially blood-borne infections) can make for an unpleasant experience for your vampire.*

2. Don’t eat any garlic for at least 72 hours beforehand.

3. Don’t give blood for at least a month beforehand: you’ll need all your reserves.

4. Remove any cross necklaces.

5. Avoid aggressive French kissing, lest you nick your tongue on their teeth (if you’ve ever bitten your own tongue, you’ll understand how painful this can be).

6. Request that your biting coincide with an orgasm — the rush of endorphins will help ease any pain, plus your increased heart rate will feel extra nice to your vampire.

7. Audible moaning to show you’re enjoying this pleasure-pain is always appreciated by a vampire.

8. Make sure you pack a snack (like a juice box and cookies) to eat immediately afterward to help with any wooziness.

9. Expect to be kicked out before sun up, and don’t take it personally.

10. Have a turtleneck or scarf on hand to wear home.

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*For those of you one newt’s eye short of a witch’s brew, the above is Halloween fiction and is not intended as actual sex advice. Unless you are a serious, responsible member of the kink community who’s well-versed in the safety considerations of blood play, you should not be breaking skin or letting anyone break your skin during sex: gentle hickeys are the best you can hope for. Happy Halloween!


  1. Excuse me, but is anyone going to the 24th annual vampire ball in New Orleans. I heard the royal vampire prince will be in attendance.
    Good Luck

  2. @sugarmag – Remember when Angel drank Buffy’s blood to cure him of the poison Faith shot into him? She had to have a transfusion, but when Dracula bit her, she was fine. It’s all about how much blood they take. Also, Riley was bit repeatedly after he found out about Buffy getting bit by Dracula.

  3. RetroRiotGRRRL, that made me laugh so hard. I used to actually think vampires were quite sexy, and then along came Edward Cullen and kicked all the fun out of it. Oh well there’s always Brad Pitt in Interview with a Vampire.

    To judge me, join me.

  4. yeah but I’m not sure about the snack. If a vampire bites you you’ll be dead, right? So you won’t need a snack. I have not read or watched any twilight so I don’t know about that, more of a Buffy fan here.

  5. Although the thought of a sparkly vampire hard on is ridiculous enough to make me want to cry (from laughter).

  6. To be fair though RetroRiotGRRRL, no circulation generally also means no muscles work, there’s obviously something a little supernatural going on with Vampires. (I’ve had this discussion a few times in the past)
    Dracula was always a fairly sexually charged character I thought.
    And they do seem to come from the old legends of Succubus and such.
    In (perhaps non-Canon) Christianity Vampires come from Lilith, who was cast from the garden for wanting to be on top during sex.

    Like it or not, Vampires are always going to be sexualized.

  7. Here’s a little fact all the Twihards continuously over look. Vampires do not circulate blood…. no blood no erection… Sorry ladies but sex with a vampire is physically impossible even if they did exist.

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