6/30/15
How Do You Round the Final Bend When Sex Feels Amazing But You Don’t Orgasm?

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Dear Em & Lo,

I am afraid that I can’t orgasm. Oral and vaginal sex feel amazing — and even masturbating does, too. I begin to get different sensations, but then it gets to where it either hurts or just goes away, and there is no actual release. What’s wrong with me?

Sincerely,

Trouble in Paradise

What advice do you have for T.I.P.? Leave your suggestions in the comments section below.



5 Comments

  1. This was true for me for years – and I was afraid too.. I was experiencing pleasure and feeling a build but right when I felt close to climax, it would start to hurt. Occasionally, the pleasure just went away. The advice to clear my mind or figure out what felt good for me just made me feel sad and frustrated because it seemed like I had already done that – I was getting really close to orgasming and it didn’t feel like my brain was getting in the way, it was actual, physical pain that stopped the orgasm. I talked to my doctor about this and she suggested that the birth control I was on could be a factor. I switched from the pill to an IUD and after three and a half months (my doctor said it could take up to that long for the pill to fully cycle out of my body and it did take that long) I started having small, short orgasms. With practice and over more time, they grew in intensity and now I have them regularly. Maybe this was also due to a more hopeful attitude after talking with my doctor but either way, I would recommend talking to your doctor if you’re afraid of this being long term,

  2. I also have this problem. I believe that it has to do with how well you can “release” your mind. I have a really hard time just mentally letting go, fantasizing, getting caught up in the moment, etc., and rather I’m constantly analyzing, ruminating, thinking thinking thinking.

    I believe that this is something that you can get better at with practice, and that practicing meditation would exercise the same brain function that you need here. Unfortunately, meditation is very difficult for me, and I get frustrated with it and give up (a sign that it is a similar thing). But I’d recommend trying it. You could also try fantasizing. Once you can get caught up in a story, your brain should be in the right place.

    1. We love the idea of taking up meditation as practice for orgasm! So many women over-think their orgasms in the moment. We’re big fans of anything women can try *outside* the bedroom that may improve their chances at orgasm. (Kegels, masturbating, reading erotica, etc.) That way, once you’re actually in the bedroom, you can just be in the moment. For anyone interested in learning more about mediation, we both LOVED Sam Harris’s latest book, “Waking Up: A Guide to Spirituality Without Religion.” http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1451636024/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1451636024&linkCode=as2&tag=ws_1032-20&linkId=LSZVJOAT2HSZBHO2

  3. Are you on any anti-despressants? I once dated someone who was able to have orgasms readily, but after going on Prozac, was suddenly unable to. It’s worth considering if any medications are part of the issue.

    Outside of that, the word “afraid” sticks out to me in your post. There’s so much emotion around these sorts of issues for everyone. Younger people especially have a very hard time not stressing out about sex–especially with new partners. Fear and anxiety are like Kryptonite in the bedroom. For some guys, this causes performance issues. For women, it usually seems to affect orgasms.

    I’d say do everything you can to take the pressure off yourself. It’s okay–you’re experiencing something that millions of other women have experienced. Many of them were able to find out what worked for them in time. It might be solo, with a partner, with a vibrator, a certain type of hand or tongue movement combined with something else… it really runs the gamut. The odds are very much in your favor that you’ll eventually find out what does the trick for you.

    1. Yeah, what he said! Sometimes over-thinking your orgasm is the very thing that’s keeping it from happening. So just enjoy the sex right now, and be grateful that it does feel so good. Pay attention to the sensations that you enjoy, and try to stay in the moment of those sensations, focuses on how your body feels… rather than stepping out of the moment and stressing about what’s “supposed” to happen next.

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