President Donald Trump just broke up with North Korea’s Kim Jong Un. After some smack talk from both sides, Trump canceled their much ballyhooed nuclear arms summit scheduled for June 12th, 2018 in a letter made public by the White House. The breakup letter is a master class in passive aggressive bitterness that could only be rivaled by a 13-year-old prone to hyperbole who got stood up at the 8th grade dance. Below, we have turned the letter into a template — a sort of breakup Mad Libs — that you can use for all your budding romantic relationships that turn sour:
Dear _________________ [name of boo]:
I greatly appreciate your time, patience, and effort with respect to our recent negotiations and discussions relative to a summit long sought by both parties, which was scheduled to take place on _________ [date] in __________________ [place, e.g. The Cheesecake Factory]. I was informed _______________________ [some meaningless detail about this planned rendezvous], but that to me is totally irrelevant. I was very much looking forward to being there with you. Sadly, based on the tremendous ________________________ [specific bad behavior by boo, e.g. writing personal smack on the wall of a public restroom], I feel it is inappropriate, at this time, to have this long-planned meeting. Therefore, please let this letter serve to represent that the summit, for the good of both parties, but to the detriment of the world, will not take place. You talk about _____________________ [specific personal powers, e.g. your neuro-lingistic programming skills], but mine are so massive and powerful that I pray to God they will never have to be used.
I felt a wonderful dialogue was building up between you and me, and ultimately, it is only that dialogue that matters. Some day, I look very much forward to meeting with you. In the meantime, I want to thank you for ______________________ [something nice your boo did for you, like sending you flowers or releasing hostages]. That was a beautiful gesture and was very much appreciated.
If you change your mind having to do with this most important summit, please do not hesitate to call me or write. The world, and _______________ [place where you two live] in particular, has lost a great opportunity for lasting peace and great prosperity and wealth. This missed opportunity is a truly sad moment in history.
Sincerely yours,
_______________________ [your name]
President of the Baby-sitters Club
Sad and accurate. Especially sad that we are at a point when a sample break up letter is akin to the country’s diplomacy!