Cunnilingus is one of the most daunting sexual tasks a person can undertake. It’s one of those unfair facts of life: there’s much more variation in what “works” among the gals than the guys, so there’s no sequence of moves guaranteed to result in her orgasm. But don’t think of her orgasm as being high-maintenance; we prefer the word individual. Keep reading to hone your oral sex skills and impress even the finickiest of lovers.
In recent decades there’s been a much-welcomed focus on oral sex as the key to a woman’s orgasm. But that’s put a hell of a lot of pressure on the givers. And frankly, there are plenty of women out there who could take or leave the cunnilingus. (Sure, it feels nice, but so does a neck massage and they’d prefer one of those, thank you very much.) So lower your expectations, cut yourself some slack, and just enjoy yourself. This is one of those sex acts that’s more about the journey than the destination.
You’ve Got to Want It
You’ve got to get in the right frame of mind: remove selfishness from your vocabulary, cover all the clocks, and become a rainy-day New-Age sensualist (no ponytail necessary). This is the twenty-first century, and all equally-created people are entitled to a little oral. If you’re one of those people who just doesn’t like to give it, then you can’t expect to get it — unless you happen to be dating one of those women who’d always choose the neck rub. Get your head in the game. Become a giver.
Assuming you’ve jumped on the muff bus, then the next thing to do is make sure her head is in the game, too, otherwise all your efforts will be for naught. If she tends to stress out about reciprocation, then try heading south when there’s no time for her to respond in kind (like, right before a movie) — that way she’ll know she’s off the hook for now and can just enjoy the servicing. Or tell her that for the next half hour you are her love servant and will be attending to her every sexual need, with no thought of your own. Make sure there is no possibility of interruption or distraction. And if she still can’t seem to stop worrying about your nether regions, then tie her up (with her consent, of course) so she’s got no choice.
If you think she’s worried about hygiene (or you are), then shower together or run her a relaxing bath beforehand. That’ll also help establish a we’ve-got-all-the-time-in-the-world mood.
If you’ve got a pubic hair preference, don’t heighten her insecurities with ultimatums or demands. Instead, phrase everything in positives (“It would be so hot if…”), offer to do any trimming yourself as a sex game, and be willing to sport the same kind of pubic hairstyle on yourself. (And remember, contrary to widespread belief, the French and 70’s porno styles can be pretty sexy, too.)
Speaking of trimming: guys, you might want to check on your beard situation. A few-days-old soft growth might feel kind of good when you get your face in there, but a mean 5 o’clock shadow will probably just sandpaper her labia.
Take a Stance
If you’re attempting to deliver an orally-induced orgasm, then chances are you’re going to be here for a while. So the most important thing is that you’re both comfortable. Most likely this will mean she lies back on a bed, maybe with a pillow under hips, and you lie between her legs. Or she sits in comfy chair while you kneel (a pillow under your knees will improve stamina, too). But if control (rather than relaxation) is what gets her to her happy place, then she might want to straddle your face or even stand over you.
For something a little novel, try approaching her from behind (ask first!). She can still relax and moan into a pillow and you’ll have an all-areas access pass. Though you’ll probably need to bring in your fingers or a toy to properly address the clitoral head.
Fluff Her Up
Nuzzle, kiss, nibble, lick, and suck in the outlying areas — her mouth, her breasts, her stomach, her inner thighs, her mons — gradually closing in on your ultimate target. Gently spread her legs as your fingers inch closer and closer. Lightly run your hands over her vulva and through her pubic hair (if she has any). Cup your arms under her thighs or bum to pull her in close to you. Breath over her entire vulva (but never blow into her orifices — it’s dangerous).
Besides telling her how good she tastes and smells, don’t be afraid to ask for some direction. We know, we know: some people hate asking for directions. But every woman is different, and even your own partner’s likes and dislikes may vary according to her mood, the time of the month, the weather, etc, so you can’t go on auto-pilot. Pose quick and easy questions, like “harder or softer?” or “more of this…or more of this?”
That said, she’s not a GPS, so don’t expect her to give you instructions at every turn — especially if she needs to close her eyes and fantasize a little. Learn to read her moans and non-verbal cues, too. If she pulls back that means “go a bit softer please” or “not directly on the clitoris, please” When her breathing gets heavier and her labia and clitoris look larger and/or darker that means “I could get used to this.” If she pushes into then you’re doing a good job. If she really pushes into you that means “harder!” When grips the sheets or arches her back then you know you’re doing superbly. If she grips her head in your thighs then don’t change a thing. And when she squeezes her thighs and holds your head in with her hands that usually means she’s about to climax.
A note to recipients: if you don’t want your fantasy or focus on the pleasure interrupted with too many questions, then get moaning!
Lick the Lolli
When it’s time for tongue, start by French kissing her vulva. Bury your face. Use your nose as a stimulation tool (this move is also a good one to return to later, when your tongue may need a break).
Then get everything really wet with a wide, flat, soft tongue. Keep your jaw relaxed and lick slowly from her vaginal opening up to her clitoris — or even longer, from her perineum up to her pubic bone. Lick up the center then down again, lick up and down either side, and go side to side, too. Spread her labia with your lips or tongue. Hold each set of her lips between your lips and run your tongue between the inner and outer labia, first one side then the other. Or pull her lips into your mouth and suck on them.
You may graze the clitoral head with these broad strokes, but don’t pause just yet: she’ll probably need to be much more aroused for that.
You’re not painting a wall here, so you’ll probably need a little more in your arsenal than a soft wide tongue, no matter how well the two of you “communicate”. But wait until she’s pushing into you, physically begging you, before you go any deeper with your tongue.
During your long, slow tongue strokes, start dipping your tongue inside as you pass over the vaginal opening. Remember, the majority of the vagina’s nerve endings are in the outer third, so you don’t need to pull a muscle trying to get in there. Just circle your tongue around the opening and move it in and out.
If she seems to want a little more in terms of penetration (there we go again with that communication), bring in a finger or three while your tongue continues on the outside. Move your fingers in and out using short but firm strokes, or keep them inside, rubbing against her G-spot. Move your tongue and fingers in sync if you can.
Come in Contact with the Clitoris
The closer you get to the clitoris, the more women are going to vary in terms of the kind of stimulation they enjoy and how long they’ll enjoy it — so the more techniques you’ve got to try out, the better.
Keep in mind what a sensitive little thing the clitoral head is and be gentle, at least at first. Some women never want direct stimulation of the clitoris, while others can’t seem to get enough of it, literally. Remember that the more you tease and the more turned on she is, the more stimulation she’ll be able to take. Keep your licking very light until she pushes into you for more.
Some women prefer to have their clitorises attended to over the hood, so ask first if she’d like you to try pulling it back a bit for more exposure. Experiment with what feels best to her over and around her clitoral head: a soft, wider tongue technique or a stiff, pointy one. Don’t let the area get dry. Feel free to roam, but keep coming back to this focal point, taking cues from her all along the way. Ultimately, she’ll probably want you to stay put once you’ve found something that works.
For some tongue-specific moves that address the clitoris, try these:
• Lick around it in circles, up and down either side, then up and down over it, or from left to right.
• Try tracing the alphabet over her clitoris with your tongue if it helps keep you focused.
• As with the labia, you can suck on her clitoris, too. Pull it into your mouth and suck and lick gently, maybe flicking your tongue over and around it while you hold it.
• Place the tip of your tongue on the hood and move your tongue in circles without moving off the clitoral head.
• Apply a firm, pulsating pressure with a wide tongue.
Try Some Advanced Oral Sex Skills
Whether you’re covering the entire vulva area or honing in on the clitoris, anything you do with your fingers can be tried with your tongue here. You can also:
• Keep your tongue still and slightly stiff and shake your head back and forth.
• Nibble…with caution. And if she loves it, then nibble with slightly less caution. You can try the inner thighs, the labia, the mons, even, eventually, the clitoral head (gently).
• Try some deep, guttural moans while you’re down there — the resulting vibration may have a pleasing effect. Plus, you’ll convey just how happy you are to be there. Humming may be pushing it, however.
• And don’t forget that your fingers can do more than just penetrate. Dip them into her mouth. Play with her labia while your tongue is elsewhere. Gently tug on her labia and any pubic hair. Pull up on her mons or rub it in a circular motion. Let your hands stray to her nipples, her perineum, or her anus. Remember, once any fingers have been in the back, do not reintroduce them in the front or in her mouth (obvs), otherwise you risk giving her an infection.
Cunnilingus can be a hard day’s night, and there’s no shame in turning to props for some help. The wetter everything is, the better it will probably feel to her. So help things along with a little edible lube, either flavored or, if you don’t have a sweet tooth, tasteless. A hint of strawberry or pineapple may just help her relax about her own personal flavor, or lack thereof. (Just make sure you choose a glycerin-free product if she’s prone to infection.)
A vibrator can give your tongue a break, either internally or externally. Try bullet vibes, finger vibes, a vibrating dildo, or a G-spot vibe if that’s her thing. You can even try a gimmicky oral vibrator that goes in your mouth while you perform cunnilingus. Though the teeth-rattling effect it has on you may not be worth it (to say nothing of the choking hazard!).
If she likes a little backdoor action during oral sex and you don’t want to have to “reserve” a lubed finger for that purpose, then insert a small, lubed-up butt plug instead.
For novelty purposes, try a mint in your mouth or a sip of hot tea or ice water before starting or during the session.
Feel the Rhythm
The key to good cunnilingus is patience and a steady stroke. In general (though we hate to generalize), women tend to like firm pressure and a repetitive motion. You can build up speed and pressure slightly as she gets more turned on. But if she pulls back, then so should you. Chances are, quick, sporadic tongue flicking is not going to push her over the edge. And when she moans, that’s not necessarily a cue to speed up.
If you’ve figured out the rhythmic key that unlocks her orgasm, then during build-up you can sometimes even go in the opposite direction: get her almost there, then back off, then repeat, so that when she does finally climax, it’s really *&$#!**. However, if her orgasms are more elusive, then don’t play coy: keep doing what you’re doing, without changing direction or rhythm, until she’s yelling *&$#!**.
Give Her a Happy Ending
With any luck, all this oral attention will lead somewhere very good. But if it doesn’t, don’t feel too disheartened. While some like you to go all the way with it, others prefer cunnilingus as foreplay.
At this close range, you should have a pretty good idea when she’s climaxing. Remember, her orgasms may last a lot longer than yours usually do, so don’t stop until she releases you. She may want you to keep up the exact same motion all the way through her final shudder. Or she may just want you to pull her in tight and provide firm pressure rather than motion. If you forget to ask how she likes it, don’t worry. Chances are she’ll grab you with her hands and guide you exactly where she needs you. If she doesn’t, encourage her to do express herself next time around.
And if you can’t seem to achieve the desired effect, be prepared to throw in the towel when she suggests it, rather than stubbornly staying down there like it’s a boxing match you’re determined to win. Because if you’ve applied all the above advice to improve your oral sex skills, then — no matter the orgasmic result — you’ll have secured your place in the Partner Hall of Fame.