Question of the Week: Do You Fantasize About Other People During Sex?

photo via flickr

Do you ever fantasize about other people during sex with your partner? Does it depend on the relationship (casual vs. long-term)? How often do you think it is acceptable to do this? Do you ever tell your partner that you do this, or is it better to keep this sort of fantasy private? And what sort of people do you fantasize about? (Exes, celebrities, acquaintances, etc.)

Leave your response in the comments section below (feel free to share your age, gender, relationship status, etc., if it’s relevant to your answer).


  1. Usually, no. Usually I am so into the moment with the man I’m with, how he feels, how he sounds, how he looks, that I don’t need to fantasize about anyone else. Reveling in the moment with a man and truly enjoying it makes it unnecessary for me to think of anyone else in the middle of sex.

    I did, however, say “usually.” While with a particular ex who was just outright HORRIBLE in bed, I did fantasize about another man. In fact, I wished so badly for him to be this other guy that I nearly cried mid-sex. Who was I fantasizing about? The guy I was cheating on him with. I dont regret it for a moment.

    So, to elaborate on the question, no, I don’t fantasize about other men during sex unless the sex absolutely fucking sucks.

  2. i tried to but couldn’t do it. I felt too bad and too wrong. But this is also why I prefer to stay single and just remain sexless. This way I can fantasize all I want by myself without worrying of being with someon and if he is fantasizing about someone else. I want the same respect, If I dont do it and think its wrong then I want someone im with to be the same. When I do fantasize tho its always, as Im told, too common. The date, the first kiss, getting to know one another (even conversations) until eventually getting physical. If I dont feel someone is not on the same page as me including mentally then I dont go too far because its not worth it. Even If I tell myself its ok or say it is, I still feel hurt and go right back to just remaining single. Its easier, less hurtful, and you dont worry about someone cheating on you-physically or mentally!

  3. No, I will not do this. And no, I am not bullshitting. This is something that I just don’t do and I don’t know why a person would do it, unless you really feel you shouldn’t have slept with that individual you’re with in the first place. If that’s the case, why then would you want to stick around??? That doesn’t make much sense to me. Wouldn’t you be better off just saying, “Look, I’m just not feeling you” and move on???

    I don’t sleep with women I’m not into. It’s just not me. So when I’m with a woman, you better believe my full attention is directed toward her, and likewise, her attention better be focused on me, because I have no problem picking up my clothes and walking the hell out. I don’t just give myself to anyone. I’ve got this thing called morals and I think it’s pretty f***ed up if I’m giving myself to you and your mind is on some other f***in a**hole.

  4. Johnny, maybe just all the people who do fantasize aren’t writing about it. But given the open, the commenters here really have no reason to BS, and since we’re all giving basically the same reasons for not fantasizing about others during sex, I find it more than believable. Maybe the way we think other people have sex, and the way we actually have sex, are skewed from one another. Oh, wait–that’s almost always the case.

  5. 4 out of 5 respondents claim to rarely or never fantasize about other people during sex?

    I don’t buy it. Someone is BS’ing.

  6. I’ll fantasize about other people all I want during self-loving time regardless of my relationship status. Sex with someone else is different though. If I’m in a long term relationship or dating or sex with someone I’m really into – fanasizing about someone else is more distracting (in a not effective way) than anything else.
    However, if it is sex with someone I’m just causally with, I’ll do it.

  7. My imagination is usually vivid as hell, but if I’m sexing a partner my thought rarely strays from him. Unless I have a crush on someone else. I don’t think there is a right or wrong here as long as you don’t do it constantly and/or for long periods of time, then you might wanna think about why you are with the one you are fucking.

  8. figleaf, I’ve always been the same. I get why one might do it, and I don’t have a problem with someone else doing it in bed with me as long as it’s not every single night. If it were every single night, I might wonder why they’re actually with me at all. But as for personal experience, it’s never really appealed to me. I have trouble staying focused as it is without bringing other people into it, and after many years of sex with the same person, I still have no desire to paste someone else over that person while we’re at it. There’s too much other awesome stuff to get into. Still.

  9. Pretty much ever since I first heard an “expert” mention sexual fantasies I’ve heard that it’s not only common but “perfectly natural” to fantasize about someone else during sex.

    I never have.

    Actually technically that’s not true. At one point I deliberately tried to, but it didn’t work and wasn’t very interesting anyway.

    And who knows, maybe it’s just that I do fantasize about sex with other people often enough to get it out of my system or something. But… sex with the person I’m with has always been interesting enough for me.

    I dunno. When I’m at the beach I don’t fantasize about going skiing. When I’m eating drinking tea I don’t fantasize about drinking tea. When I’m reading Em & Lo I don’t fantasize about reading Dan Savage. Call me short-sighted or uncreative but it’s the same thing with sex.

    Finally, I wouldn’t mind if a partner fantasized about someone else while she was having sex with me. It’s not like it’s a value judgment. Just because I’m not wired for it doesn’t mean nobody else should be either.


  10. – Of course.
    – Yes, I am more prone to this in a long-term relationship.
    – I never thought about the acceptability rate.
    – I keep those fantasies private.
    – I fantasize mainly about women I’ve been with in the past.

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