Should She Lose Her Virginity to a Married Man?

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

I am a 26-year old black female who is also a virgin. I’ve had only two short-term relationships. Needless to say, I have never been in love. I have considered my STEM-related career as my partner.

I really dread dating. There are the good guys who seem too odd to me, the ones who are too physically affectionate, the ones whose histories I know and thus make me feel like second choice, the former-party-animals/hook-up-kings-turned “reformed gentlemen”. I don’t know if it’s all bullshit. Sometimes I think I would be better off just going on Craigslist and finding a discreet sex partner. Guys don’t care anyway.

Five months ago, I made an acquaintance with an older man (42 but looks 27). He moved to the area for a temporary work assignment. Without his wife and kids. I’m sure that they keep in contact on a daily basis. About a week ago, both of us were at a mutual friends’ gathering. A few hours later, the older man and I had a conversation. Everything, was going so good until… he kissed me. I can’t lie that it felt amazing. Of course, HE’S MARRIED! I had excused myself, left the party and went straight home.

The next day, he met up with me. He apologized, said that he never felt more attracted to someone of my ethnicity (he’s white). “Had opportunities but missed them”. There is more sexual chemistry than I have ever imagined possible with this man, which brings me to this question:

Knowing what the consequences would bring as well as the use of contraceptives, should I just lose my virginity to this man? He asked to me to be his FWB for the rest of his work assignment period. He also said that if I am a virgin, that is ok, he hasn’t been with one since his first girlfriend in high school. I know that a lot of people are going to get hurt, especially his wife. I also know that he will not leave the marriage.

— Jane the Virgin

Should she do the deed with this guy?
Chime in below!


  1. Girl dont do it im 21 and our stories are pretty similar I’ve been fighting myself to not go all the way with the married man im with occasionally (i know its wrong) you will regret it especially when he leaves and goes back to his wife because he is not going to stay with u and u might think oh its not a big deal but it will be when its happens

  2. I’m 25 and still a virgin. I have come across a similar situation except we were the same race, he was my bestfriends cousin, had 2 kids and a partner. Once I knew this I completely ignored him even though he still tried his game and I politely declined. I don’t think his partner or I deserve to be with someone like that and especially his kids.

    In my own opinion, don’t lose your V Plates to someone you know can’t give you more than just the sex. Personally I think for those of us at this age still have our V Plates, it’s worth the wait to wait for someone who has been worth waiting for. Don’t let him be Mr Right Now just for f $&k.

  3. The first thing you have to ask yourself is, what is your end game here? Are you looking to get your rocks off and have a fun time? Are you hoping that, even though it seems like he’s been fairly honest with you about his situation and feelings, somehow the power of your vagina will cause him to drop everything else he has and stay with you for the rest of your life?

    This is the sort of situation that probably won’t end well. Even if you’re just looking for an easy lay, he’s married. Even if you don’t get caught, you don’t know how you will feel after, or how he will feel for that matter.

    I would hold out for someone who isn’t that complicated. And anyone who says they’re “not usually attracted to someone of your ethnicity” might cause you more sadness than absense after a great fuck.

    Get on Tinder or even Fetlife if you’re just looking for someone to pop your cherry. It’s not that big a deal, but it will change the way you feel about sex and relationships.

  4. So this is the only person in the whole world with whom you believe you have sexual chemistry? Have you considered that maybe what makes that chemistry so electric is that, being married, he’s taboo, off limits, and out of your reach, a challenge, or at least someone you don’t have to consider a LTR with, which is automatically alluring? I think you’re not trying hard enough to find someone available/single to have sex with. Why participate in his deceit and potentially destroy a family? Unless they have some kind of open relationship, which is doubtful, aim to give your Vcard to someone who’s not already committed to someone else.

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