Stephin Merritt & His Anti-Love Songs

This past weekend, the two of us went to see Stephin Merritt of the Magnetic Fields (69 Love Songs) perform at our local summer Spiegeltent. With his deep baritone, a ukulele and an accompanying cellist, he sang 26 songs, which, “for those of you insufficiently on the spectrum,” he informed us at the end, “were in alphabetical order.” A quick mental replay confirmed it: Andrew in DragA Pretty Girl Is LikeReno DakotaShipwreckedYour Girlfriend’s FaceZombie Boy. Think Cole Porter meets Woody Allen meets Dr. Seuss. His quirky poetry and accessible tunes make for great kids’ songs, until he gets a bit Grimm and starts singing about a jilted lover taking a contract out on the ex, or a wife discovering her husband’s secret love shack, or a woman of god fantasizing about the various kinds of sex she’d like to have. This last one, naturally, stood out to us. So enjoy!:

The Nun’s Litany

I want to be a playboy’s bunny
I’d do whatever they asked me to.
I’d meet people with lots of money,
and men would love me like I loved you.

I want to be a topless waitress,
I want my mother to shed one tear.
I’d throw away this old sedate dress
Slip into something a tad more shear.

I want to be an artist’s model
An odalisque au naturel
I should be good at spin the bottle
While I’ve still got something left to sell.

I want to be a cobra dancer
With little willie between my thighs
I may not find a cure for cancer
But I’ll meet plenty of single guys.

I’d like to be a brothel worker,
I’ve always been treated like one.
If I could be a backstreet lover,
I’d make more money and have more fun.

I want to be a dominatrix
which isn’t like me, but I can dream.
Learn S&M and all those gay tricks
and men will pay me to make them scream.

I want to be a porno starlet
For that I’ll wait till mom is dead.
I’d see my name in lights of scarlet
And get to spend everyday in bed.

I want to be a tattooed lady,
Dedicated as I am to art.
Characters bold, complex, and shady
Will write my memoirs across my heart.

And here’s the Magnetic Fields’ video for the fun “Andrew in Drag”:


Want more naughty lyrics? Here are
8 Short Poems Hot Enough to Sext Tonight

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