Chances are you’ll have to spend Thanksgiving with a few family members who voted for the human candied yam. If after a year of this orange shit-storm they’re still somehow fans of the Man-Baby-in-Chief, you could always just cancel holiday plans all together; after all, what the pluck is there to be thankful for? But if for some reason you’d like to remain on speaking terms with the relatives who helped stuff this country down the garbage disposal while also staying true to yourself, here are 10 super sarcastic, passive-aggressive things you can do on Turkey Day — just to make a political point without actually talking politics — that will take you right up to, but hopefully not over, the edge of being disowned:
1. When taking a poll on whether the potatoes should be mashed or whipped, go with the method with the least votes. When people complain, say, “Oh, did you want me to go with the popular vote? Because this is America — that’s not how things work here.”
2. If the turkey is impressive, praise it loudly as “a total 10.”
3. When the oven reaches its optimal temperature for cooking the turkey, insist that it’s not warm enough. When someone points out the digital temperature reading, explain how that’s a Chinese hoax and it’s really not that hot.
4. When you have to go to the bathroom after your fifth cocktail, ask your hosts to remind you where it is. When they point you in the direction of the one down the hall, explain that you’re not comfortable using a gender-neutral restroom.
5. When preparing to carve the turkey, pronounce, “I’m gonna grab this bird by the pussy.” Bonus points if children are seated at the table.
6. When plating people, offer only slices of breast to those who voted for Trump. If they request any dark meat, say, “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you only liked whites…I mean, white.”
7. During dinner, pile an enormous amount of potatoes on your plate and start sculpting it, à la Richard Dreyfuss in Close Encounters of the Third Kind. When someone asks what you’re doing, explain that you’re building a wall to keep the gravy out.
8. When someone asks you to pass the cranberry sauce, say “Cranberry sauce goes against my religion.” Then promptly get up with the sauce in hand and dump it in the trash.
9. After the dessert and coffee have been served, offer everyone an after-dinner mint: a Tic Tac.
10. When it’s your turn to share what you’re thankful for, just start openly sobbing.
Thanksgiving this year was at my daughter’s, who lives in one of the more liberal areas of the People’s Republic of Vermont, so there were no Trumplings. I bit my tongue and did not pretend to be one myself, although the horrid truth is that a family gathering without political bickering is like a dinner with 8 side dishes, 3 sauces, and a bottle of Calvados before the 4 pies to help create room in your stomach for desert. For comic effect we had instead of Trumplings an oversized dog who managed to get himself covered with gravy. A fine time was had by all. Best wishes. This too shall pass.
Glad you had a peaceful if gravy-coated Thanksgiving Alan!
Hilarious, I agree. I might add that when someone complains about feeling too full, proclaim gleefully it is a “pre-existing condition” and his or her insurance does not cover it.
I am glad, however, that I am outside Trumplandia and happier to miss the holiday than participate in the tiresome rituals.
Good one, Ann!
Of course the people doing this paid $0 for the dinner but feel they have some kind of god given right to disrupt other people’s holiday. Why don’t you pay for dinner for the entire family and then have them show you total lack of respect towards your beliefs. Using mummy’s credit card doesn’t count
Oh John, no one’s doing this. It’s a joke. You’ve heard of those, right? Happy Thanksgiving!
I’m skipping Thanksgiving due to unrelated circumstances this year, but I sure am glad I don’t have to listen to my jackass cousin’s political opinions this year. I don’t think I’ll be able to take it by Christmas either.
Just don’t go. Me and the wife are boycotting all family related activities for the foreseeable future. They don’t want us and we don’t need them.
Hilarious article. I am personally planning on just ignoring all of those family members… I mean REALLY? They ignored my rights in the election, why shouldn’t I ignore them?