Advice from three of our guy friends. This week a straight woman asks, “How much younger than them do you think most guys are comfortable dating before it becomes embarrassing? Or is there no limit as long as the youngster in question is legal and not a complete airhead?”
Gay Single Guy (Jay Dyckman): Yes, there is an age too young for anyone to date. But I think it happens only after you hit 35. Any dating combo of two people both under 35 (provided both are over 21…yes, 21, not 18) is probably not a big deal. No one really considers themselves that old before hitting 35.
After 35, all bets are off. If you’re over 35 and you date someone more than 10 years your junior, you will — and rightly so — be mocked (and silently envied) by your friends and enemies for such dating hubris. It will put you squarely in the “oh please” zone. And this goes for both men and women: Dating much younger than yourself connotes a power dynamic that is creepy yet totally gender non-specific. Both sexes look entirely ridiculous parading their toy around, be it male or female. But if you’re over 35, you can date anyone — of any age disparity — who is also over 35. A 65- year-old and 37-year-old? Sure, why not.
This might seem arbitrary but age designations exist for a reason. The good people of corporate America have decided that once we’re older than 35, we are no longer a desirable marketing demographic. That’s real science, people. After 35, big age differences are obviously apparent, but both parties have fully exited the nubile stage so no one really cares. You are no longer hip, cool, or capable of dating someone who had an “American Idol”-themed Bar Mitzvah. That’s not to say you shouldn’t do it. Hell, if someone of the Gen Next persuasion wants to tap your old bones, consider yourself lucky. Besides, anyone who mocks you, well, your old ears won’t be able to hear them anyway so who cares.
Straight Single Guy (Tyler Barnett): For guys in their twenties, like me, up to guys in their mid-thirties, I think the lowest we should go is 21. If I cannot legally have a glass of wine or cocktail with a girl, I don’t want to date her. It’s not that I am some sort of alcoholic or can’t have a good time sober, but there’s something sexy and intimate about sitting in a bar that cannot be substituted by Starbucks or Jamba Juice. It also makes me feel like an old man if I am with someone that has to use a fake ID they got from websites like Idmoose.com to buy a beer. Besides, if the girl in question is still in school, the conversation will usually leave something to be desired due to her lack of life experiences and responsibilities — it’s hard to listen to tales of college papers when I’ve got bills to pay and employees to manage, you know? There is a lot to be said for being in the same place in life, age-wise at least. But generally, I think women a good five years younger (so long as they aren’t under 21 and aren’t using a fake ID) work well since women tend to be more mature than us guys. For an older man, say in his forties or fifties, a fifteen year age gap is socially acceptable and generally comfortable. And I think once a woman passes the age of thirty, up to a twenty year difference with an older guy is just fine.
Straight Married Guy (Jim): Come on, give us guys some credit: most of us know there’s a huge difference (emotionally, intellectually, maturity-wise) between someone around our own age and an 18-year-old with AP credit. She’d have to be a Rhodes Scholar studying quantum physics if the difference in their ages was more than about 25% of his. So, what does he teach?
Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Jim from New York, our Gay Guy is Jay Dyckman, an LA copywriter, and our Single Straight Guy is Tyler Barnett, owner of the LA PR firm Barnett Ellman. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
I really think it’s not an age thing so much as how you look together. If you are a young-looking thirty-something+ and your girl is in her twenties, as long as you don’t look like grandpa, you’re ok. But the maturity thing is important too. Also, what happens in the sack is important as well, because if you both have no chemistry, you’re screwed…
I agree with Publius (among others) in that there are a host of factors other than chronological age which can make a relationship viable or not. That make it creepy or not. However, the post above notes that while “A serious girl of 18 can date a man of 40 without issue… there are so few mature 18 year olds that perhaps serious dating is not likely.” Fortunately there are more than enough immature 40 year old men to make such a pairing feasible. Though still creepy.
1/2 + 7 rocks!
Age is but a number.
Maturity is another matter completely. A serious girl of 18 can date a man of 40 without issue. But truth be the matter, there are so few mature 18 year olds that perhaps serious dating is not likely. No reason to not have a fun date to share time and learn if compatibility is possible.
I also think a woman of 60 who feels and acts young should not be dissuaded from dating a man of 30. Women can find their inner youth and retain it much longer if they desire.
The real problem is the common experience question. A generation apart makes that more difficult, but if one partner is truly interesting in learning through the other, a beautiful relationship can be made.
So a 60 year old woman, who still knows how to turn heads, should not care if those heads are 80 or 20. If she has it, flaunt and flirt.
An older man needs to be careful not to be a father-figure, but a true partner. If he is dating the much younger, he needs to ensure he is making her life everything she wants it to be. And he needs to be sure she will be taken care of when he eventually dies first.
True love knows no age. that is but a number in the wind.
I think is a way to make people feel prematurely aged. On occassion, I find myself (I’m 39, my wife is 27) in bars full of people between 21 and 30. NONE of them can keep up with me (neither can my wife). I drink, dance, act like a complete idiot and, when the bar closes at 2:00am, I invite a dozen people (yes, we already know most of them) back to our place to keep the party going. They’re always gone or passed out by 6:00am. Around 10:00, I start waking those who remain to go get breakfast. I have not yet been asleep.
I will accept criticism of living in spite of a number if, when I can no longer do this, I keep trying to do it, anyway. Then I’ll change demographics, and make those closer to me in age feel like they’re ancient. And no, there are no red convertables or comb-overs in my life, or in my future.
pish posh. why, as a young attractive female in her early 20s, would I go for a guy much older than me? I agree there is a maturity gap between men and women in my age range, but I’d rather casually date and then look for a relationship with someone around my actual age when I’m nearing 30. Guys will be guys–you can’t expect THAT to change with a 5 or even 10 year age gap.
I first heard the (age/2)+7 rule from the woman who teaches cougar classes. (I read it on the internet – I haven’t taken a class in cougaring yet.) Her point was that if women followed that rule in choosing their young lovers, they would be less likely to be older than the young’un’s mother. Let’s see… does it work? 40 and 27. OK. 50 and 32. Borderline. 60 and 37. Lots of moms would be younger than the cougar. But that cougar would have to be pretty hot!
I breathlessly await the article that addresses Hot Cougar vs. Creepy Cougar.
XKCD’s formula’s pretty great but I’m more impressed with Jay Dyckman’s answer. Not least about the way society writes you off past age 35.
For the record it’s not that people aren’t still sexy, let alone(!!!) sexual after 35. It’s just that nobody’s really trying to police you. (Well, there *was* that bill introduced in Massachusetts to extend child-sex and child-pornography laws to “protect” everyone over 60. 60!!! But in committee it seems to have died the humiliating death it deserved.)
Anyway, Dyckman’s also right that after 35 pretty much *everyone* agrees you’re an adult and thus capable of making your own decisions. Also, more importantly, of not really caring so much what other people think.
Good question, great answer.
figleaf
I agree – if it is a serious relationship, then what other people think should not matter a bit! As long as you get along well and there is no power struggle, then why not?
I started dating the love of my life just before I turned 18 (met when I was 17). He is 5 years older than me, and never has there been a time when we didn’t click because of the slight age difference. [Granted, the legal drinking age where we live is 18… HA HA! ;)]
What does it matter, as long is the relationship is based on genuine compatibility?
I say this as I am in my mid-20’s but am dating a man 26 years older than me. We have many common interests and we’re pretty much happy all the time. Initially, I think some of my friends were creeped out by me dating someone so much older than me, but they’ve all gotten to know him and think he’s an awesome guy – now they just complain that I never have anything to contribute during bitching-about-relationships sessions. His social circle has been very accepting of me as well.
Dating someone younger for the trophy aspect is creepy, but if two people just work well together, there’s no sense in saying no to a great relationship because of age.
Dating or relationship?
Dating – I agree with some of the above.
Relationship – if you’re serious then who the hell cares what ‘they’ say?
I was just going to suggest that!
Ha! [(age/2)+7] is awesome.
Ooh! I have to bring up this, then. while not immutable, is a fairly decent rule of thumb for when you’re trying to decide, “is this creepy?”
http://xkcd.com/314/
For those iffy on following a link, the XKCD standard creepiness rule:
Don’t date under [(age/2)+7].