Advice from three of our guy friends. A few weeks ago, one woman wanted to know “Why do men masturbate in relationships, even when the sex is good and regular?” In his response, Max (one of our Single Straight Guys) said, “Trust me: You don’t want to do the things that we’re thinking about when masturbating.” So we wanted to know “What DO guys think about when they masturbate?” Ironically, of all three guys’ answers to this follow-up question, it’s Max’s that we thought was the most tame:
Straight Single Guy (Max): In order to masturbate, I have to have some kind of scenario in my head. It can be past experiences, girls that I’ve been with and (perhaps most often) girls that I want to be with. It might be the girl that was making eyes at me earlier in the day (though the likelihood is that I was making eyes at her and just misinterpreting her look of “what are you staring at?”) or perhaps stranger subjects, such as fictional girls from dreams, co-workers, or women that you might consider out of your age range but still attractive (there’s a reason that MILF is a household word). Oftentimes, the male mind is most interested in the forbidden. For instance, the girlfriend that wouldn’t try anal? It’s only going to happen in your head. Already have a girlfriend but have the hots for her friends? Save everyone the heartache. You really want to break into your workplace late at night and pour champagne all over each other and do it on your boss’s desk? You won’t get arrested if it’s just a dream. Bisexual fantasies? Go for it. Essentially, I view masturbation as a time for completely uncensored fantasy. Whatever comes to mind and turns me on, I go with it. And as far as girls’ fantasies go? I’m amazed when I talk to my girl friends and they all say that they don’t think about much of anything… just concentrating. Weird.
Gay Committed Guy (Mark): As a very private person who sticks to a fairly small collection of gay vanilla porn for solo gratification, the specifics of this one are probably out of my league. Fantasies are boundless and infinitely various — that’s sort of the point, right? — regardless of whether one is a man or a woman. (Although I’d like to ask Max, a.k.a. “you don’t want to know” what could be so bad. Violence? Unsanctioned excrement? Pets?) That said, some educated guesses as to what some straight guys might be thinking of while wanking:
1) Women who are not their wives/girlfriends.
2) Their wives/girlfriends doing really degrading stuff (see above).
3) Men.
Straight Married Guy (Ben): Guys’ fantasies fall into three distinct categories: The Unique, The Unfulfilled and The Unmentionable. The Unique are what women want us to fantasize about — previous sexual encounters, preferably with your current partner, that we’re reliving in our heads. Or, about one percent of our fantasies. The Unfulfilled are the things we really, really want but are mostly too chicken to ask for — the threesome with that hot couple at the bar last night, the cute intern, you and your sister, with or without us. This is about 60 percent. But then there’s that last 39 percent — The Unmentionables. These are the things that make us hot — we don’t know why — and are actually too out there even for us. This is the macho degradation porn. Or the animals. Or the three gigs of dwarves on the hard drive. It doesn’t make sense, especially to us. But you know what? Sometimes, it’s exactly what’s needed to get the job done.
Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles who runs AdultParlorGames.com. Our Committed Gay Guy, Mark, is a writer and teacher in NYC and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New England — both asked us to file them under “shy.” To ask the guys your own question, click here.
“Sassy Sarah” I’m in the same boat as you, 23, with “just the right amount of muscle and curves” (34D, flat/toned stomach, and an ass to boot) and I see no man in sight that is ready to settle down. I’m betting it’s 6-7 more years before guys our age are ready for anything. If your guy is around our age I’m guessing he’s still a little too young for serious commitment.
Sadly, I’ve found a body type like ours suggests more a a great one-night stand for guys than a serious relationship. Physical appearance is DEFINITELY not what makes a guy fully commit to a relationship. But fantasizing is not cheating in my book–he at least told you, which is more than I’d say most guys would do. I’d prefer the guy to be open with me like that–unless he is comparing you (then throw him to the curb!)
You can find multiple people objectively attractive but that’s different than emotional attachment.
Im a 23 year old hot woman who has been in a relationship with my partner for over a year and a half. The sex is good, but I recently found out my partner fantasizes about other women he has seen whilst he has been out with me, or out on his own. How long is it until a guy takes it that step further? How long is it before the fantasy becomes a reality and they are in bed with the fantasy? I have a sexy figure, curves in all the right places so I have been told by many men… big boobs and a nice bum… so why does my boyfriend choose to fantasize over other women? What do they have that I don’t and why can’t men understand that by doing this and telling your girlfriend, makes your girlfriend feel inadequate or that she is missing something? After all I am the stereotypical male fantasy, big tits a nice face and great arse! Should I be marrying this guy?! Is this normal? I’d love to hear back from both guys and girls!
So i was just browsing thru the archives when i saw this one, and have to disagree with the idea that women don’t fantasize when they masterbate – i find it really difficult to come at all if i don’t, and my fantasies are really varied.
Sex with boyfriends – past and current, strangers, other women… including lots of stuff that i wouldn’t necessarily ever act out but still gets me hot. Women really have to be in the right frame of mind, so unless you are already hot and bothered its not going to happen by just “concentrating”. (I’m just saying)
Its a fact that fantasies do spice up the sexual life. Me and my husband are openly share our fantasies while making sex . He fantasies i being pounded by my ex boy friend or by his friend who has always eyes on me.it makes me havin orgasms many times
I think for women fantasy is something she thinks about with her eyes closed. For most men it’s just what he’s looking at. So, what do men choose to look at? I’m gonna say 95% of straight men look at slim, 18-28 year old women that don’t look like their wives or girlfriends. For most men it’s women they probably could never get into bed. It’s also women who clearly like sex and aren’t shy about being sexy. It’s the 10% of all women that 95% of all men want. Men’s “fantasy” about them helps keep 95% of relationships intact.
Well me and my boyfriend are veryopen in bed communication is key hopefully you are comfortable with them to tell you want you want. There are surten things my boyfriend likes done but I nessasarly don’t like doing them but I do bc it makes him feel good and I can see how turned on he is so it excites me all I would say is try things out side the box and don’t be a selfish lover some of the best times u have Harbin bed was seeing my partner getting off so hard.
C’mon, I am a woman and I fantasize about different men, other than my fiance. It’s a ‘fantasy’ not reality. When max says that his girl friends ‘concentrate’ more than fantasizing, they must mean concentrating on the satisfaction of getting pleasured in itself. I get lots of pleasure sexually from my fiance, and its great. But everyone has their deep dark pleasure fantasies they only share with themselves 🙂
I was just reading your column about what guys fantasize about? and most of yall said three somes in the list well coming from a Single bi sexual girl who doesnt look to shabby if i may say so myself how come soome guys are ok with my sexuality and some aren’t i am always willing to bring along a friend if that is what they want but some times they snarl their noses in disgust.
I am female and still fly solo when I feel like it even though I’m in a good relationship (with good sex). It’s a completely different experience. Sex is better but masturbation isn’t “worse”.. it’s just different. Besides, any type of orgasm is great, whether it happens by yourself or with someone and they’re different.
my ex-boyfriend and i had very open sexual fantasies. we told them to each other while we were doing it, putting different spins on them each time, going as far into the Unmentionable area as we could – swapping, rape, anonymous sex, bi, you name it. it was very freeing for us both, and i have to thank him for that. i can honestly say that they were the best sexual experiences i have ever had.
Epiphany….whoops…you are right. It was about masturbation. Teach me to not be so quick to reply. Thanks for the heads up!!!
Will – I think that may just mean that you have a different definition of *wrong* – some people put things into that category that the rest of us consider unique, but not wrong
Texas – I was about to tell Max that all of his girl friends were lying to him, and then I read your comment. But I think he was asking about fantasy while masturbating, not fantasy while engaged with a partner.
Well, as a female…I have to agree with Max’s girlfriends. I have never felt the need to fantasize when I have the real deal right in bed with me. If I care enough to have him in my bed, then he is what I want and thinking of something or someone else is not necessary. It is much more rewarding to just enjoy the intensity of the pleasure and not be distracted by other thoughts.
I’m going to have to go ahead and disagree with Ben’s 39%. I think I’m a pretty sexual/horny/dirty (married) guy, and I’ve never fantasized about anything that doesn’t fall into one of the first two categories. Ever. It’s not that things don’t get dirty, it’s just that they don’t get… *wrong*. For me, anyway.
That said, there are fantasies that I think guys wouldn’t necessarily share with their partners, but mostly because of who it is you’re fantasizing about, maybe occasionally what you’re fantasizing about… but not because it’s something that Ben drops into the Unmentionables category.
I’m trying not to judge here, but that just sounds off-base to me.