If you’ve listened to Howard Stern even once over the past decade (that’d be Em, not Lo), then you know that one of his most loyal advertisers is the Ashley Madison Agency — the online dating site that caters to married people with the tagline “Life is short. Have an affair.” Charming. On and off over the years, we’ve thought about reporting on Ashley Madison, but every time we did, steam would come out of our ears and we’d realize that our entire article would consist of seven words, most likely typed in all caps: “Stop cheating you slimeball pieces of shit.” Just because the site sounds like it was named by Nora Roberts, as Jezebel so brilliantly notes, doesn’t mean it’s any less sleazy, immoral, unethical, or just plain wrong. Fortunately not everyone is as “narrow-minded” as we are; Melanie Berliet, a writer for Vanity Fair recently investigated the site to find out why men cheat, which involved interviewing men who said things like “I’m a big believer in monogamy through adultery.”
I’d also like to point out that it is called ABSTINENCE when you don’t have sex for a while. It is only called celibacy when you choose to NOT have sex OR get married/partnered with someone.
I wish people would stop “confusing” the two. A celibate person will NOT choose to have sex or partner. If they did, they would be ABSTINENT.
Orton – I don’t know where you live so I can’t refute that, but like I said – in YOUR specific case it is probably incredibly likely that in a divorce your wife would get the kids, because any divorce lawyer worth his salt is going to point out that you likely spent money on your lover, that you chose to participate in an act that was anti-family and use your affair to paint you as a bad father. I don’t know if that’s true or not, it’s just what would probably happen. I am just saying that IN GENERAL it is not extremely more likely that a mother would get the kids in the average divorce, because judges look at who can be the best primary parent for the child, and that can often be the father.
Personally – no matter what is going on in your life – sorry, but what you are showing your kids is not openness. You are showing them how one should treat their spouse – which to you, means lying. Teaching your children to be open isn’t done by deceit.
And finally – Not everyone in Europe has lovers, but those who do generally have spouses who are aware of what is going on. It is a different situation than someone LYING. If a wife asks where her husband is, she will be told the truth. Which I doubt is something you afford to your wife. You can’t really compare the two.
Bottom line: Orton, if you really believed most of the things you said up there, you wouldn’t be lying to your wife. Getting your sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere isn’t cruel if everyone is aware of what’s going on.
Elizabeth,
In my state the custody rate for mothers is much higher than 52%.
I find it curious how judgmental and accusatory people who post on these forums can be. I am not like you James you whimpering simp.
Families are not always about who is sleeping with whom In Europe it is quite common to take a lover. Get over it.
If you are a swan and mate for life and can suffer a period of celibacy spanning a decade or more fine you can win the lost youth monk award and while you are at it why not beat yourself senseless with birch switches.
Too many families are torn apart by sexual affairs. The world does not come to a crashing end because you have a lover.
James is so afraid of disease he must wrap himself in latex every time he leaves the house or jacks himself off.
It seems to me if you live your life in a black and white world you are missing a hell of a lot of interesting colors.
I am teaching my children to be open to life and willing to embrace it.
Good luck with your lives.
Oh – and to further clarify what I meant about that comment – I am not in any way, shape or form saying that I agree with, condone or would participate in the kind of behavior Orton is partaking in. All I am saying is that most women who have been deeply emotionally intimate with a man are aware when something fishy is going on. They might not know what, but they get it… Orton has flat out said he’s not told his wife. I’m saying that if everything he’s said is true – she probably knows he’s getting it elsewhere somehow and chooses to ignore it.
I agree with what James is saying about the message they are sending to their kids. It’s sad, because they are telling their children how men and women should act and should be treated. And I agree with the previous poster that if both parties are willing, therapy can work wonders. But, Orton has said that he and his wife have tried that. (This is why I believe she knows. If she’s been informed that her husband “needs” sex, then unless she’s an idiot, she knows he’s doing something about it) He’s made it sound like SHE is the reason therapy doesn’t work.
I will disagree on one thing though – it is actually about 52% of mothers who get custody of their children in the case of divorce. This varies a bit from state to state, but it is only a little above 50% in each case. In Orton’s case, however – it is more likely his wife would win custody, primarily because of his adultery. It is often used as a weapon in custody battles. Again – I would just say that he and his wife should divorce, because that sounds like a screwed up relationship to me – but, I am not them.
guys i have been married for 7yrs and we almost didn’t make it because my wife got a little to friendly with a male stripper..now this wasn’t as bad as an affair but it still hurt like hell i nearly left her but we have ben seeing a marriage counselor for 5 months and believe it or not it works if you are both willing to work at it.. one thing i have always known is that women like attention and some need it more than others and yes we were both ignoring each other..i am still head over heels in love with her and thank god i found out about it before it became something worse..bootom line to both men and women who are married if you are having trouble communicating with each other please consider counseling there is nothing to be ashamed of in admithing that you two are having problems..am i happy at what happend no but if i had to do it all over again i would because it is what saved us..good luck to all people in realtionships and i know just how bad it hurts when you are betrayed..
Kb – In the situation with my friend, her man has never told her. They aren’t in an open relationship, technically. She knows what is happening, and chooses to ignore it. If what Orton says is true, his wife seems to be the same kind of woman. My friend would never grant her man permission to sleep around if he asked, but she is willing to overlook indiscretions. I don’t get it, but like I said, I’m pretty sure women like that are rather rare.
I join you KB on that statement. This guy has never advised his wife about the situation. Had his wife new about it this would be a different topic.
Like many cowards, the new topic would be “How do I get my wife back”….
And like you said KB, even if he is not having sex with his wife, there are plenty of diseases that need no sexual contact to spread all over a family.
The fact that some couples are so petrified in fear about losing their confort and their closeness to their kids ( that closeness to their kids in fact is detrimental to them. The worse thing that can happen to a growing child is to grow up next to a cheating father or mother. )… is no valid reason to engage in such selfish ( selfish because the parents, the adults in the relationship are deciding that the kids can and should endure the infidelity problems ) compromise.
A kid living with a cheating parent learns it is ok to cheat, and from the cheated parent they learn that it is just as ok to accept a cheating spouse.
There are more serious consecuences, and the lack of respect, the callousness and the terrible messages these kids will receive day in and day out are not only wrong, these are criminal behavious on part of said parents.
When you bring kids to the world, you no longer, never ever again have the luxury of thinking in terms of yourself, never ever. You want sex , but you do not like your spouse, ( but you have children ) then, either fix the situation with that spouse, or else, divorse. You might not like it, but your kids need not be indoctrinated in cheating and in no values.
No amount of words comming from cheating parents will erase the message kids are receiving every day from said parents.
At no time Orto has said, mentioned nor implied that his wife is knowledgeable and has compromised to a relationship where he is allowed to stray.
And even if so, there are kids involved. A couple w/o children can do as they wish, but if kids are in between, it is not a valid situation.
but, Elizabeth, the thing is he doesn’t-if she’d really rather he sleep around than compromise, he’d tell her and she’d go “meh, have fun” but that’s not what he’s offering. and THAT is what I have a problem with-no, not everyone has to be monogamous. Whatever. but your partner has the right to know what kind of relationship they’re having, and has the right to know what kind of medical risks they’re being exposed to. End of story. He’s taking the cowards way of dealing with what, you’re right, is a legitimate marriage problem.
Thank you, Elizabeth. Eloquently put.
Elizabeth.
Orto never said his wife agrees nor knows about his affairs.
Orton’s explained why he lies to his wife. For whatever reason, he paints her as the type of woman who would rather him sleep around than compromise. I won’t deny that those women exist – I actually know one in person, who is well aware her man has fun outside the bedroom, but prefers it to having sex with him. It’s not something I remotely understand, but it’s her life.
That being said – I fully believe that Orton’s case, as the case with my friend, are ridiculously rare. I fully believe that most men who cheat do it out of a desire to avoid dealing with whatever is plaguing their relationship (women too). And I believe that most people who agree to be with married men or women on the side have either low self esteem, or absolutely no caring for any other human being than themselves.
I do hope for Orton’s sake that his children never find out about his discreet little meetings. Because I can say for absolute certain – the kids aren’t going to care if mommy never wanted to ride the pony so to speak… All they are going to see is that daddy betrayed her, and they will hate him for it. Kids don’t tend to forgive their parents’ indiscretions in that area.
Orton.
I need not respond in kind, it is writ your own explanations denote who is the “idiot” in here.
Orton-if you have such a deeper commitment, why are you lying? all that is bullsh**. You seem to be the one who doesn’t understand what marriage is about.
James you are a self involved idiot . You obviously are not in a relationship or have been in anything more than a relationship that has lasted more than a few months Your idea of what constitutes marriage is so shallow and narcissistic it is quite laughable.
To think a relationship is all about sex is stupid and and to try to explain to you what a deeper commitment meams in the real world is apparently in-effable.
You are such a narrow minded petty person. I pity anyone who ends up with you .
I just want to add, a compromise of that sort is a selfish act on part of the parents, with material ( as in possesions , assets ) concenrs that devalues and ignores the mental and phisical health of the children involved.
No amount of cry baby scenes will convince me that “poor adults” that have a teen ager sense of right to sex outside their marriage have indeed the right to look for sex outside the marriage .
In order to have sex, either work it out with your spouse, or dissolution of marriage has to be implemented.
Grow up, you got married for a reason, to love your spouse and raise your children. If you do not love your spouse any more, or you have irreconciliable differences, be a man ( or a woman ) and do what is right to assure the well being of the kids you brouight into this world.